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32 years of loving and losing: My conclusion.

I think you live like this, too, with your wife. I think this hits home to you too much. It's just as bad blaming the way you treat people and blame them for your addiction.
 
herbavore said:
Hi Maggie Mae,

I am truly sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. Your husband may very well be a "great guy" but it sounds like there is nothing between you for a long time; and that nothing has now turned to something destructive. You probably know this pattern in some ways from the abusive relationship:you are unhappy, you know that things are not good but you keep persisting in believing things will change. You are going to have to try your hardest to go on fix your own life without him. It sounds like what is holding you back is financial. Did you talk to the lawyer about divorce? Would you take that step or does that seem too drastic? Remember, he can be in charge of his own relationship with your grandson regardless of whether you are together or not.

What went wrong between you and your daughter? Is there any way to begin healing that relationship?I would imagine that if she were a neglectful mother to her infant that she carries some knowledge and shame about that. Do you have a way to talk to her that does not blame but seeks to understand ? Does she have addiction problems as well? Does she actually want her son or would she consider giving you custody (in which case you could get financial help to care for him).

You are overwhelmed and lonely and disappointed right now, but don't lose hope. You did not do anything to "deserve" your relationships--no one really deserves anything IMO. We create one half of every relationship we have. All you can do is to try to get support for changing your life and caring for your grandson.
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This!
 
Maggie Mae said:
I think you live like this, too, with your wife. I think this hits home to you too much. It's just as bad blaming the way you treat people and blame them for your addiction.
Click to expand...

This is what narcissists do when there are 20 bags of groceries in the car and you ask them to carry in one...fault you for only being able to carry 19. I tried to give you some insight into addiction and heart disease, but of course that was never the point of you posting this, was it?

I know you like the back of my hand, lady. Let your "best friend" sink into the abyss while you troll for sympathy. Nice.

Good Luck.
 
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d0wN said:
This is what narcissists do when there are 20 bags of groceries in the car and you ask them to carry in one...fault you for only being able to carry 19. I tried to give you some insight into addiction and heart disease, but of course that was never the point of you posting this, was it?

I know you like the back of my hand, lady. Let your "best friend" sink into the abyss while you troll for sympathy. Nice.

Good Luck.
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Why on earth are you being so strangely hostile here? I mean, I get what you are saying but you seem to be parodying the OP. I don't think that's the right way to approach this.

No one is truly responsible for the life of anyone else. When I've been in situations where I get to lay blame, I never feel satisfied with it. You seem to be excusing Maggie Mae's husband as an understandable reaction to his wife and yet, you really do not have the information at hand to do anything except write really odd, unsettling, fictitious accounts of her husbands experience.
 
d0wN - I think you need to lay off. I agree with swilow - this post hit you too close to home and now you're taking out your aggression/insecurity unjustly to the OP. If you have nothing useful to contribute to this post feel free to respond to other posts on this site, there are many to choose from. This is a harm reduction site, and the Dark Side forum is a safe place for people to post to get meaningful feed back on thier situation. Often, when people post on this forum they are in a dark place and are looking for support. While we do support tough love in some instances, your posts are simply making assumptions about the OP and then attacking her. This type of behaviour is not tolerated. If you have nothing meaningful to contribute to this thread then please abstain from contributing at all. Consider this a verbal warning.

Please familiarize yourself with the BLUA which can be found here:

http://wiki.bluelight.org/index.php/Bluelight_User_Agreement_(BLUA)

Also take the time to acquaint yourself with the Dark Side guidelines, which can be found here:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/583553-TDS-Forum-Guidelines
 
MaggieMae - I am so sorry you are in this situation. Losing somebody you love is one of the hardest experiences life has to offer. Having to watch them slowly deteriorate in the process is absolutely devestating. You will be in my thoughts.

You have received some good feedback from people more knowledgable than myself, so I won't reiterate. I do feel compelled to tell you that I hope you don't feel any guilt about getting your affairs in order should he pass, he is dyeing, you are not and you have your grandson to take care of. What you are doing is both necessary and appropriate. You're right to be concerned, $30,000 doesn't go very far, and you need to have a plan in place.

Try as best as you can to spend quality time with your significant other while making preparations. He is going through a lot as well, and is most likely not thinking clearly. Try not to take his moods to heart. Try to arrange for special time between him and his grandson so your grandson has a few last good memories. I'm certain he is aware of the situation on some levels, I know I was when I was his age and my mother was on her death bed. Try to be as supportive as you can to him. Most importantly support yourself as you seem to be the glue keeping everyone together.

You need to somehow get in a better frame of mind as your husband and grandson need you and it's hard to care for others when you are not maintaining. I am sorry I don't have any pretty or comforting words, but my heart breaks for you. My husband is 20 years my senior and I know I will be taking care of him in his final days and I try not to obsess, but I have considered it frequently enough that I can empathize with you.

Sending big hugs*
 
Ty so much.. I don't feel guilty about preparing. I am taking things too close to heart. I am in withdrawal right now from Xanax but my mind feels very clear. Too damn clear, because I react to instinct. Instinct is a good thing. Reality can be a bitch. The 2 go hand in hand.
Jeff and I made up and talked. We can rationalize but we can't put it into play. Probably cuz we're beat all to fuck..
Obsession.. NC .. U r right. cuz I am painfully lonely but a night of work after I get some sleep will cure that.. !
When I came here from my abuser/s.. I wasn't taking anything yet I shook. When someone's had enough, they have.. no matter how strong.
It is sometimes about drugs ad then it's individual, too. A beer, some weed, and I can sleep some..
Some ppl put themselves out there to be slapped, they turn into angry ppl.. umm, that's not good, either, cuz I'm doing that.
That's probably why I got the fuck on here! lmao!!! Bye.
 
Don't stop Xanax cold turkey if you've been taking it for a while - it's very dangerous. Taper down otherwise you can have siezures. I'm glad to hear that you and Jeff were able to talk - I hope things get better.
 
I wanted to give some follow up. I don't know if Jeff and I can ever repair what we've become but at least I'm speaking up even more.. all except the Vicodin. He had another stint put in and I only went to pick him up. "We fight in the hospital." Well, last time he was so nasty to me in there (never before he has) the nurses were looking at me like I should get away. He knows this! lol.. He just can't admit it. But it was cool because I didn't want to go. This last year, boy do I get angry quick. Anna, Jeff, my sisters, the asshole who I encounter in public. I like people and can be very nice but let them push me once and I'm become verbally aggressive. I'm giving more credence to the fact Jeff's not always thinking clearly. It scares me to look at the next 3 yrs so I really try not to. My head is so full of negative thoughts and perceptions of my life I get consumed. It's very difficult once you've let your mind be that way for so long, and you didn't even know it was happening. I run out of Xanax enough so that I know to taper down. Xanax helps, but reality is still there. Thanks for caring, though.. really. I panic over intuition. I want to help but no one listens to me. haha.. Jeff says I keep shoving truth around so much it's annoying. We still have some love left.. wow. I don't think I'll ever be the 'normal' after all the abuse from my past. And as much as I love Jeff I'm still pissed at him for getting this bad. I have a right even though he's dying. I can make it, but I'll be alone and that sucks. He knows this shit!! He really can't blame me either! But you all got me thinking of different things that led to different things.
 
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