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30 and feels life is over

J

jake99

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i have messed up life so bad from my drug addiction and depression over last 15 years that i feel theres no way out
been to jail treatment moved from nJ TO VERMONT and now my family wont talk to me except my mom who has her own serious issues and i think i should be there in nj to help her
i cant stay clean no matter how much i go to aa /na or rehab
i have no motivation to work and cant find work due to my felonies, im down to 4000 buks and could be broke and with only option of going back to nj to moms
people here just use me to get money to get high
dope was my drug in Nj now its been crack here in vt
i cant take it anymmore
im on suboxone too and cant get off it
 
Fuck the people who use you to get drugs. Ditch them. Get new friends.
Also, many people have been in a lot worse situation than yours and have managed to get clean and change their lives.

But it the end, it's very simple: It's only a question of, if you really want to lead a better life or not?
 
Have you tried any anti-depressants? It took me a lot of them to find the right one. IME Kratom is a better anti-depressant
 
getting sober and finding the motivation to just get out there can be brutal...been there, done that...
 
if i could get thru suboxone withdrawal it would help but still i have no job and imm going to end up havin to move back to nj if im broke...........................do i go to rehab for that
 
jake99 said:
now my family wont talk to me except my mom who has her own serious issues and i think i should be there in nj to help her
i cant stay clean no matter how much i go to aa /na or rehab
Click to expand...

If you really want to be in NJ to help her, and you're not using this as an excuse to get back close to the good heroin, then you will give up the crack smoking and maintain yourself on Suboxone. I don't typically suggest long-term Suboxone on people, but in your case I think it would be a good idea for you to stay on it a while longer as you try and find something going for you. You stated that you have enough cash to keep your Suboxone treatment going a while longer.

As long as you're smoking crack and trying to justify going back on heroin, you're still going to be one of your mum's "serious issues." But you don't want that, no? You want to be her helping son, right? Helping Mum might not be as euphoric as coke or heroin, but it's a much more rewarding and morally-good thing to do. As well, it could lead you to some of the happiness that you seek and improperly look for in dime bags of your DOC.

You don't like how people use you to get high? I'm no detective, but I am guessing that there's some of this sentiment existing in your parents' heads, hence why they sent you out of state to get clean. I'm not saying this in order to make you sound like a hypocrite, no. I'm just trying to tell you that your parents don't like that type of being-used feeling either, and they instead would be very happy to see you, with good intentions, being there for them without ulterior motives.

It's not easy and it's not that much fun, but if you can invest in some time off of all street drugs and going through the motions of doing what most people consider to be morally good, it might not lead you to unadulterated happiness right away, but it also won't backfire in the way that drug addiction tends to do on a life.

Enjoy your spring days up there. Get outside, away from everyone, and really think about what's important. Feel the sunshine, the warm air, the sounds of nature. This is the good stuff to enjoy. Why would you want to numb stuff like this away?
 
Do you have the option to go to rehab, Jake? If you do then I think that it may be what you should do. Even though you say that it hasn't worked in the past doesn't mean that you are not in a place for it to work this time. You sound very exhausted and desperate and I think that you know that you need help and support to do this. <3
 
i just feel so stuck i cant make any decisions everything is so overwhelming
 
Go to inpatient rehab and detox. You obviously can't do this on your own. After you get some clean time under your feet your perspective will begin to change.
 
its not over until we lay down and decide to die. people have gone through what you have at waaay older age, gotten back up and today look back at this period in life as a horrible fucking time, but still something that made them stronger.

all love and luck mate
 
villian said:
Go to inpatient rehab and detox. You obviously can't do this on your own. After you get some clean time under your feet your perspective will begin to change.
Click to expand...

yes yes yes, I can't agree more. and move somewhere new. It helps if you never have to walk or drive by the old haunts.

The people I've seen get sober are the ones who have thrown in the towel - in a surrender sense (not suicide) - give up the idea that they have any kind of control over anything. And they got completely honest - with themselves and everyone else. Our capacity to lie to ourselves is pretty amazing. I'm getting awfully close to bb thumping, so i'm going to bow out now
 
Jake, I feel so bad about what you are going through-and your thread title could have been mine, very easily.

I am also from Jersey, 32yrs, spent/wasted almost 12 years on drugs, but now that the big mess-up hurrah of life is past-I always feel like there is doom up ahead. Feel like I've lived life, and it seems like there is nothing up ahead. Scary. I almost am sure that the way I or you feel, is the way an elderly person feels when they still have just enough sense left to realize when they are shipped into a convalescent home by family, that they are expected to not be lasting too much longer.

I really hope things can work out for you-if you did end up back with mom, is there a chance it would be positive for both of you-to support each other in a sort of sobriety and or healthy family network sort of thing? I wish I had the correct suggestion or answer for you, but I know it isn't that easy. Just keep your chin up...God still gives you breath each day for a reason, and it's got to be a good reason.--My mother just told me that yesterday; sharing it and repeating it to myself again should do us both a bit of good:). Peace Out Jesse99, the best for you and your family.
 
any plans to get off the sub jake?

when i first got on subs, i went the other direction with my abuse also [amphetamines]. that shit wore me out over a few years and end me smack dab in the middle of crazyville.

keep tryin jake, it will happen [getting clean that is].
 
Stay on sub if you still have bad H cravings bro.... Tsking sub everyday is 100000x better than doing dope

I disagree about rehab ... Ine been to 8 inpatient(not detox: or quick stays) after the first few it was pointless

The people u surround yourself with make a huge impact on u
 
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