3"psilocin" capsules- experienced- Kill me fire god; let me be at peace not in pieces
January 6th, 2006. A day I will forever remember; a day that changed my life and bent my very perception of the fabric of reality...
It was 8:30pm, I was alone on a snowy night at my place, planning on drinking a few beers and watching a movie with my friend D. The phone rang and D said he couldn't make it, so I continued to sit alone when the phone rang again.
It was my friend P, who I haven't seen in years. We were best friends in high school, used to trip all the time and hang out. I said what the hell are you doing back in this part of the country!?...
To skip the smalltalk and get to it... he comes over. After catching up on all the lost time while we sip a beer, he pulls out a baggie with a few capsules. Inside them is a tiny amount of powder. "Its psilocin! 4-ho-dmt"
I tell him about my bad experience with "psilocybin" pills before (that trip report is on bluelight here somewhere; and I'm putting the word in quotes cause I can't be sure its actually this and not some related analog tryptamine) but he assures me they are supposedly measured to equal about one hit of acid each. Soon I would learn this was a terrible underestimate, and they were more like 4 hits each. He suggested we relive old times and eat 5 each, smoke some weed, watch some trippy animation and stare at the walls. I said lets just keep it at 3, especially since he never took these pills before and was only told how strong they were. I also had recently had a rough experience camping and tripping which was pretty disturbing and could be called somewhat traumatic (this is a recent trip report i posted) and didnt want to trip too hard.
We take the capsules at ~11pm and sit down to watch Fear and Loathing. Typical but classic and powerfully connecting psychologically to the trip state of mind.
At ~11:30 I am feeling them pretty strongly. The visuals haven't formed much besides fake shadows moving and tracers, but I feel like I am free falling in some kind of amusement park ride and my body feels very trippy. My sense of touch is greatly enhanced and my injured foot hurt much worse (I stepped on something while running in the snow -in last trip report). Very soon the visuals emerge strongly. I see complex mind blowing patterns form on the walls. A poster I have appears to float out to my face then appear back on the wall, like 10 feet difference in depth. I see purples and reds on the white walls shimmering then they start to breathe and bleed color.
At this point, I start to feel the fear. I knew I was fucked, in for one hell of a ride that no sane person could handle without experiencing extreme discomfort. This kind of thinking made things worse. P says nervously that he is tripping very hard too. I get up to get a glass of water and it really feels like gravity is shifted and I am in some kind of fast moving ride, which is the room. The sounds from everything are so strange and I get sound "tracers" and everything takes on an echoey, darker twisted pitch. Then I hear the voices. At first they are whispering incoherently but then they become clearer. When they do I don't actually hear them, its like they are communicating telepathically. They were very evil, bringing up parts of me that I long forgot about and things I've done wrong, how my life is shit and how I will be punished.
Here it is probably some after 12. I lose contact with P and no longer realize who or what I am. All I experience is a visual swirling effect where everything is so crazy looking I can't see an object for what it actually is. I am just a suffering consciousness trapped in some kind of hell. I was being punished for something. But my consciousness was spread all over the room, I was the room, the room was me. I wasn't contained in a body, I wasn't me, I never knew I had a body. At this point my memory has huge gaps in it.
Soon I was somewhere else. I saw blue and red all around me, mixed with other colors. A firey diamond shape appeared, so crystal clear, it was the clearest fucking thing I ever saw in my life, so big and tall, it had another dimension beyond the 3 we know. A huge glass Diamond with fire on the edges. It was God, who I didn't believe in. It was angry at me. It was the creator of the universe, of all the physics I've studied, this was the answer to before the big bang, before everything, this Diamond had been there forever. It didn't have to tell me this, looking at it told me. I was laying on a blue dirty ground; I was seeing myself in the 3rd person, I was a pile of bloody pieces of flesh connected together by wires with sparks coming out of them.
"Why don't I die" i thought, but not using words. I was thinking in concepts, which was more like "why consciousness still here" or something. Everything related back to the Diamond. Its up to the Diamond, it flashed into my head. I wanted it to end, I don't know what I was or where I was but I needed everything to be over.
***
The next thing I remember is waking up shaking violently in my closet. My teeth and tongue hurt horribly and I felt pain all over. But my consciousness was now contained into one area and I could see things almost as they really were. I had pissed myself and could barely move. I slowly stumble up and see massive tracers from the movement. I then realized I had taken a drug and was human afterall, and after walking to my living room i realized P was here. But I didn't see him, I heard water running though.
P must have been inspired by the movie we had just watched. He was lying in the bathtub with his clothes on, and the water running but luckily he hadn't sealed the drain. He stared up at me with great fear then a look of hope or something. I shut the water off and reached out my hand for him. He took it and I helped him up out of there. "Oh my god.." he blankly, quietly stated.
We sit down on the couch and I get us each a beer. I look at the clock and was shocked at the time. It was 5am. I suspect the trip actually felt like years but my time sense from memory could only say an hour or so might have passed.
My trip was pretty weak by this time but tracers and mild color changes were still there. I felt like I fell down a few stories of stairs and chewed on some razor blades. I sipped my beer and just stared at the wall with P. I was pretty shook up but felt brain dead in a way. Reality was all in my head all along I realized. What we think is real is just chemical/electrical perceptions, we don't really know whats behind it. Could what drives the probabilities of quantum mechanics and the strange anomalies of the relativity theories, and all of reality, been created and controlled by this diamond that appeared in my intense realer-than-real visions?
I sipped my beer in silence and decided no. P said "i don't remember much but it was horrible"... "i agree" I replied. I didn't have the energy to explain anything of what I saw. I just wanted peace; and peace to me can mean lack of consciousness; whether that be death or sedation. Thats how I've always felt. At this time I chose the sedation. I won't induce death upon myself unless in a long-termly devastating situation I've decided. Death is something I look forward to in times of trouble and stress like now. "Death is the ultimate freedom" I've heard once.
P pulled out a handful of xanax tabs. I almost felt angry he didn't offer these when we started tripping very hard. I have a feeling he took some secretly earlier but didn't give me any, maybe to try to not seem like a coward since we've always tripped real hard. "Im sorry I didn't hook you up earlier, i was gone" he said, appearing to read my mind. He handed me 5 blue 1mg alprazolams. I took them all, washed them down with the rest of my beer. Normally I'd only take one to avoid the next day effect I get: irritability and anxiety, but I had just been to hell and most of it I can't remember but will probably have a long term subconscious effect on me. I feel disconnected from life (it hasn't gone away) and may need to seek help.
Soon the empty waves of xanax hit me and I passed out. For 9 hours, I had my peace; empty blissful unconscious sleep. Isn't peace what we all want when it comes down to it?
January 6th, 2006. A day I will forever remember; a day that changed my life and bent my very perception of the fabric of reality...
It was 8:30pm, I was alone on a snowy night at my place, planning on drinking a few beers and watching a movie with my friend D. The phone rang and D said he couldn't make it, so I continued to sit alone when the phone rang again.
It was my friend P, who I haven't seen in years. We were best friends in high school, used to trip all the time and hang out. I said what the hell are you doing back in this part of the country!?...
To skip the smalltalk and get to it... he comes over. After catching up on all the lost time while we sip a beer, he pulls out a baggie with a few capsules. Inside them is a tiny amount of powder. "Its psilocin! 4-ho-dmt"
I tell him about my bad experience with "psilocybin" pills before (that trip report is on bluelight here somewhere; and I'm putting the word in quotes cause I can't be sure its actually this and not some related analog tryptamine) but he assures me they are supposedly measured to equal about one hit of acid each. Soon I would learn this was a terrible underestimate, and they were more like 4 hits each. He suggested we relive old times and eat 5 each, smoke some weed, watch some trippy animation and stare at the walls. I said lets just keep it at 3, especially since he never took these pills before and was only told how strong they were. I also had recently had a rough experience camping and tripping which was pretty disturbing and could be called somewhat traumatic (this is a recent trip report i posted) and didnt want to trip too hard.
We take the capsules at ~11pm and sit down to watch Fear and Loathing. Typical but classic and powerfully connecting psychologically to the trip state of mind.
At ~11:30 I am feeling them pretty strongly. The visuals haven't formed much besides fake shadows moving and tracers, but I feel like I am free falling in some kind of amusement park ride and my body feels very trippy. My sense of touch is greatly enhanced and my injured foot hurt much worse (I stepped on something while running in the snow -in last trip report). Very soon the visuals emerge strongly. I see complex mind blowing patterns form on the walls. A poster I have appears to float out to my face then appear back on the wall, like 10 feet difference in depth. I see purples and reds on the white walls shimmering then they start to breathe and bleed color.
At this point, I start to feel the fear. I knew I was fucked, in for one hell of a ride that no sane person could handle without experiencing extreme discomfort. This kind of thinking made things worse. P says nervously that he is tripping very hard too. I get up to get a glass of water and it really feels like gravity is shifted and I am in some kind of fast moving ride, which is the room. The sounds from everything are so strange and I get sound "tracers" and everything takes on an echoey, darker twisted pitch. Then I hear the voices. At first they are whispering incoherently but then they become clearer. When they do I don't actually hear them, its like they are communicating telepathically. They were very evil, bringing up parts of me that I long forgot about and things I've done wrong, how my life is shit and how I will be punished.
Here it is probably some after 12. I lose contact with P and no longer realize who or what I am. All I experience is a visual swirling effect where everything is so crazy looking I can't see an object for what it actually is. I am just a suffering consciousness trapped in some kind of hell. I was being punished for something. But my consciousness was spread all over the room, I was the room, the room was me. I wasn't contained in a body, I wasn't me, I never knew I had a body. At this point my memory has huge gaps in it.
Soon I was somewhere else. I saw blue and red all around me, mixed with other colors. A firey diamond shape appeared, so crystal clear, it was the clearest fucking thing I ever saw in my life, so big and tall, it had another dimension beyond the 3 we know. A huge glass Diamond with fire on the edges. It was God, who I didn't believe in. It was angry at me. It was the creator of the universe, of all the physics I've studied, this was the answer to before the big bang, before everything, this Diamond had been there forever. It didn't have to tell me this, looking at it told me. I was laying on a blue dirty ground; I was seeing myself in the 3rd person, I was a pile of bloody pieces of flesh connected together by wires with sparks coming out of them.
"Why don't I die" i thought, but not using words. I was thinking in concepts, which was more like "why consciousness still here" or something. Everything related back to the Diamond. Its up to the Diamond, it flashed into my head. I wanted it to end, I don't know what I was or where I was but I needed everything to be over.
***
The next thing I remember is waking up shaking violently in my closet. My teeth and tongue hurt horribly and I felt pain all over. But my consciousness was now contained into one area and I could see things almost as they really were. I had pissed myself and could barely move. I slowly stumble up and see massive tracers from the movement. I then realized I had taken a drug and was human afterall, and after walking to my living room i realized P was here. But I didn't see him, I heard water running though.
P must have been inspired by the movie we had just watched. He was lying in the bathtub with his clothes on, and the water running but luckily he hadn't sealed the drain. He stared up at me with great fear then a look of hope or something. I shut the water off and reached out my hand for him. He took it and I helped him up out of there. "Oh my god.." he blankly, quietly stated.
We sit down on the couch and I get us each a beer. I look at the clock and was shocked at the time. It was 5am. I suspect the trip actually felt like years but my time sense from memory could only say an hour or so might have passed.
My trip was pretty weak by this time but tracers and mild color changes were still there. I felt like I fell down a few stories of stairs and chewed on some razor blades. I sipped my beer and just stared at the wall with P. I was pretty shook up but felt brain dead in a way. Reality was all in my head all along I realized. What we think is real is just chemical/electrical perceptions, we don't really know whats behind it. Could what drives the probabilities of quantum mechanics and the strange anomalies of the relativity theories, and all of reality, been created and controlled by this diamond that appeared in my intense realer-than-real visions?
I sipped my beer in silence and decided no. P said "i don't remember much but it was horrible"... "i agree" I replied. I didn't have the energy to explain anything of what I saw. I just wanted peace; and peace to me can mean lack of consciousness; whether that be death or sedation. Thats how I've always felt. At this time I chose the sedation. I won't induce death upon myself unless in a long-termly devastating situation I've decided. Death is something I look forward to in times of trouble and stress like now. "Death is the ultimate freedom" I've heard once.
P pulled out a handful of xanax tabs. I almost felt angry he didn't offer these when we started tripping very hard. I have a feeling he took some secretly earlier but didn't give me any, maybe to try to not seem like a coward since we've always tripped real hard. "Im sorry I didn't hook you up earlier, i was gone" he said, appearing to read my mind. He handed me 5 blue 1mg alprazolams. I took them all, washed them down with the rest of my beer. Normally I'd only take one to avoid the next day effect I get: irritability and anxiety, but I had just been to hell and most of it I can't remember but will probably have a long term subconscious effect on me. I feel disconnected from life (it hasn't gone away) and may need to seek help.
Soon the empty waves of xanax hit me and I passed out. For 9 hours, I had my peace; empty blissful unconscious sleep. Isn't peace what we all want when it comes down to it?
