3 months after getting clean, cant get drugs off my mind

[PendulumAM]

The last time I did heroin was May 31st of this year. After that, certain events left me cut off from the suboxene I was able to take when I couldn't get dope, so I was forced to withdraw with only 1/2 a suboxene left. Now I'm clean, broken up from the boyfriend that sucked me into opiate addiction, back home from my college town (going to a new college) and getting shit back together. But I am still depressed and craving opiates. The only reason I'm not doing any is that I don't have a way to get them here. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 1/2 months but I am still as miserable as ever. Does anyone have any suggestions for coping with this? My therapist suggested anti depressants and possibly benzos since I have bad anxiety but I am worried I will just abuse that too, although my anxiety keeps me from wanting to leave the house or talk to people most of the time.

additional info: my opiate addiction lasted from Jan 2010 to June 2011. since june, I have been clean. during my opiate addiction, I was dependent on heroin, other painkillers like roxicodone, or suboxene the WHOLE TIME

 

[yuhhhhh]

i have about the same amount of time clean of opiates as you and also struggle with cravings. they aren't nearly as bad as the first month or two when i was dreaming about heroin every single night but i still have my moments and some days are worse than others.

first of all, if you are worried about abusing benzos then i would stay clear of them. i was prescribed a small amount of xanax not too long ago and quickly found out that i can't handle having that kind of script around me when i took all 15 .5mg pills in one day.

i do feel for you on the anxieties. one of the biggest draws to opiates for me was that it kept my anxiety in check but naturally once the opiates were taken away my anxiety was worse than ever. an anti-depressant may help.

 

[maxalfie]

Well done on your clean time. Try not to give in to yr cravings as that would just undo all yr hard work so far.
The cravings will lessen over time. Keep up the fight.

 

[suessmayr]

I'm about 3 months clean myself. So I know how you're feeling.

I find with cravings that they come and go. Around the 1 month mark I had a solid week of cravings - I was frantic, totally hysterical, I had to get opiates. But I didn't. And I'm fucking glad. I think it's actually a great advantage for people like you and me that we don't have a great connect; if I had one I would be a junky right now.

I don't agree that you would necessarily abuse the shit out of any benzos you got your hands on. I used to abuse benzos, but since getting off opiates I'm dealing constantly with genuine, debilitating anxiety. I got some benzos and have barely touched them. Just knowing that I can if I need to helps me.

 

[Knox Harrington]

I just hit three months clean after a thirteen year opiate addiction. For me it was mostly pharmaceutical until the last two years when I "graduated" to heroin so when you talk about cravings I vividly understand what you mean. A lot of the time its not the opiates themselves that I crave but the excitement of buying a big stash (aka two whole days worth) and getting all the gear together. I find that talking to other people or 12 step meetings (if thats for you) are both helpful if only to refocus my attention elsewhere. The other thing I think about is how far I have come in three months (June 2nd for me) and how very very uninterested I am in repeating this whole ordeal over again. Best of luck to you.

 

[PendulumAM]

Thanks to everyone for all your advice. suessmayr, you are right, if I had a connect for anything right now, I would not be clean. When I was going to college in a different state, I had a great dope connect (he was steady for a year and a half, and probably still is good now) but in my hometown, where I am now, I have no connects. Even when I was broke, I used to always have suboxene (prescribed to my ex boyfriend, who would give it to me) so I never withdraw up until 3 months ago. Even though subs didn't get me high when I was an addict, they gave me this nice, happy, warm and fuzzy feeling. Feeling a sub kick in after being super sick was so nice! and now I am happy not to be dependent on any opiates or subs anymore, but real, unaltered life is a bitch.

 

[suessmayr]

Life is tough, it really is. I struggled for a while with the tension that you get in CBT between the views: 1) 'Don't expect too much from life; everyone struggles to some degree - unhappiness is normal; and 2) 'Life is great, you owe it to yourself to keep trying'. But now I see emphatically that 1) is the case.

I haven't really figured out how to deal with this yet. Recovery is hard when you're convinced that life is essentially painful and people fundamentally selfish. People only care about your recovery or about suicide to the extent that it affects them; to the extent that their care clears their conscience. The result of this is that it's a bit pathetic or at least insincere to keep clinging to life, given that you think it's a basically unpleasant transaction.

I don't know man. I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm in the same boat.

 

[batmanplaybaseball]

Life is tough, it really is. 'Don't expect too much from life; everyone struggles to some degree - unhappiness is normal

Samsara

Think of all the hardship suffered by every person in every country, and most especially the ones besides the 'western' nations that more than dominate these boards. Think about the beggar in Calcutta with no arm or legs pushing a skateboard with his head. Think about a family living off the land in a basic tent in a bug crawling jungle. Then think about your ancestors and everyone's ancestors and all the struggles that existed to bring you here back to living in caves and freezing through every night and day. Then think about every animal outside trying to find food no matter the weather. Think about them when it rains. Then realize that you have only scratched the surface of the surface.

Suddenly it seems kind of foolish to expect a life without suffering, any kind at all.

But I can also offer that opiate recovery happens, even though it happens slowly. And when you are at that point where you realize it, you will realize that you are not only back to your old self but you are much better than your old self, precisely because of all that you went through.

 

[PendulumAM]

see sometimes when I feel like shit I think "well there are people who are much worse off than me in Afghanistan and Somalia and whatnot" and that makes me feel like even more of a shitty person...and yet I cant stop feeling so miserable.

 

[batmanplaybaseball]

well you can honestly do nothing about the life you were born into, so it is useless to think less of yourself for it. Just remember the resources that you do have, and the opportunities that they afford you. Try forcing yourself into routines. TRY TRY TRY to find a spark of interest inside you. Hold onto it if it happens. Dont expect it to happen. Dont wait for it to happen. Just hold onto it if it does. Let life sort of wash over you and stop trying to control it minutely, second by second. Addicts become accustomed to instant, instant relief, instant emotion. You need to stop thinking of life as a series of controlled instants. Let the day move and relax. You can find peace and enthusiasm again. I know, I have been where you are and I have come out of it.

If depression hits you, dont analyze it or try to control it. Just let the time flow over you, you and your breathing.

 

[suessmayr]

The 'children-in-third-world-countries' argument is childish and ineffective. How other people are living has absolutely no relevance on any level to things like depression and anxiety. So don't beat yourself up for not being moved by thoughts like that.