2nd

[Chon]

What up, Mafioso here, got locked out of my old acct. Can't remember what I changed my PW too.. may any mods reading this can help me recover the acct if possibe.

Anyways, went at it pretty hard this last relapse. Was only taking benzos for 3-4 weeks daily and maybe only a few other times prior to that in the last 6 months. Tried to do a fast 2 week taper, really didn't think I needed to be worried about seizure risk and figured that seizure wouldn't be a risk because even during the binge I was only taking 4-8mg/day and figured the rapid taper would help minimize the WD symptoms. Was also taking oxycodone this time, and after the benzo taper I started a slow opiate taper, was going to go slow until the acute benzo WDs minimized and would be easier and safer the managed the opioid WD. Was taking a moderate amount of oxycodone, anywhere from 15-60mg/day. Started cutting back a little before the benzo taper as well and was just starting to take bigger steps off my taper.

The seizure happened last night, about a week after stopping benzos but still taking opioid only as need to prevent WD. Fucked up my back pretty good, not sure if it was from the muscle spasms or from the way I fell, or both, but it was definitely some of the most pain I have been in, couldn't even lay down for long. Still can't, only got about 4 hours of sleep last night and it's already midnight over here. I was open and honest with the nurses and doctors as well, I really didn't want to be taking anti-seizure meds if I didn't need to. They gave me nausea medication cause I was dry heaving and retching, but nothing for pain because of my history... one of the few legitimate times i could have used opioids.

Just trying to stay positive. Glad that my family was there to get help and were willing to do what they could for me as well. Problem is now that they definitely don't trust me and that I don't want them worrying about me, but I can't be changing the way I live my life just to appease them. I'm trying to figure out how to tell them that relapse is commonly part of the recovery process without coming of as arrogant or unconcerned. I plan to smoke cannabis for my pain because it really does help... sleeping is now difficult, and until that happens I don't care to quit weed, but maybe if I can find some home drug testing kits then have my mom check me bi-monthly or something for accountability and her peace of mind.

Also got in a minor "wreck"- really just went off the road up in the mountains when it was raining and got stuck on the shoulder because it was muddy. Someone called the cops after driving by and asking if I was fine, "said yeah just stuck, I'll be alright"(fuck them for real) and when they showed up I could have got arrested because of my legal situation and prior DUI, because of the DUI I can't have anything in my system and I had a beer at dinner and had smoked weed as well.

Dealing with a lot of shame and low self-esteem this time. Feeling like a fuck up again, but dong my best to keep my head up and stay positive about things. Just counting my blessings today and trying to look at things in a new light.

Be safe everyone and take care.

 

[herbavore]

Damn, mafioso, I'm really glad that you survived the seizure intact and that you escaped another DUI charge, but the back pain sounds horrible. After my recent surgery I compared the opiate painkillers they gave me with weed/ibuprofen combo and the pain reduction was absolutely the same. Returned the opiates to the pharmacy and used my own edibles and went back and forth with Tylenol and Ibuprofen. Worked great. Also, for your back, never underestimate the power of ice. 20 minutes on/20 minutes off does wonders.

I will ask an admin about your account. That's over my pay-grade.

I know how hard it must be to deal with the emotions this time. The rollercoaster wears you down. You are as well-versed in the self-help antidotes to self-loathing as I am, but the trick is getting yourself over that first hurdle where you tell yourself , "yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard all this positive shit before but look at the evidence." But it isn't really evidence of anything other than that it is fucking HARD to change your thoughts, HARD to change habits and HARD to have to rely on yourself when you are feeling at your lowest point. And yet, I still believe in the power of talking back to your own self-destructive thoughts. For me it is like going to a mental gym. I don't see the results in the beginning--just the tediousness of the hard work. It is slow and it is subtle but each time I'm developing new mental muscle. You have a wealth of wisdom in you. Don't let addiction tell you it's fake--it isn't. No one can draw on their own wisdom all the time. In a way it's like diet. You know what you need to eat right and be healthy; doesn't mean you never crave junk food enough to go buy it and eat it. Still, giving in to that craving does not negate your wisdom overall. You keep the compass pointed in the right direction. A zig-zag path is just a little longer than a straight path (and perhaps more interesting?)

 

[Chon]

Yeah been using that same combo myself actually and it seems to help just as much as opiates would without all the hassle of opioids.

Just upset with myself now, mostly. My mom called me this morning saying if I don't go to detox she wants me to go to rehab, which just isn't going to happen, nor does it need to happen. I understand addiction to be a very real and dangerous phenomenon, and a cycle that i easily fall into, it's just that rehab isn't always the right solution. And no fucking way am I going to quit smoking weed just to appease someone else. I understand my mom's worry, but I feel that a lot of it comes from regret and inaction while knowing abuse was happening in the home- what's done is done though, it's too late to try and change or make up for the past. I appreciate her more than I will probably ever be able to communicate, but I also need my own space, independence, and my own life to live. It bugs me when all of our conversations center around my disease... it pushes me away, but I try to remind myself that no one is perfect and I know she doesn't mean anything by it.

I'm just hoping I can heal quickly and return to working ASAP. Got some changes to make, need to start working towards them.

Appreciate the response, as always, Herb. This was definitely another eye-opening type experience, a bit of a reality check I guess. Really can't be toying with this shit at all anymore. Just some days it's easy to fall back into old habits and justify them when it feels like I am just killing time until my case clears and I can leave the state, been talking about relocating to a new state. Hopefully this back heals soon and I can return to work until then.

 

[herbavore]

Re Your mom: I've been where she is but there were things that got through to me. Write something out--maybe just an expansion of what you wrote here. Let her know that you are working on things in your own way based on your own past experience. Ask her to read it and not respond right away. As to the part about your interactions always being about your addiction that was something I had to work on. When your kid is hurting or in danger it's all you can think about. But you are right that it works to compound the problem rather than to alleviate it. It took effort for me to find a balance that felt right for me as a mom. I didn't want to ignore it but I also really understood that my obsessing over it made everything worse. In a nutshell, what you need to find a way to say to your mom is that you know she is on your side and you appreciate and love her for that but that you need to be able to express what helps and what hurts so that her desire to be on your side really translates into support.

BTW, I PMed you the link to reset your password so as long as you have the original email account you signed up with--no problem.

What States have you considered moving to?

 

[Chon]

Thanks for sharing Herb, I enjoyed reading your perspective and can understand how worried and helpless she must feel.

Idk if it's the WDs kicking or i'm just losing my mind. I'm full of guilt, shame, regret, and anxiety.

idk i'm a bit lost for words right now. lots of things weighing heavy on my mind and not a lot helping to hold it up it seems.


Edit: I would move to Seattle with a friend who has a spare room at the moment, but looks like that won't be happening for a while. In some ways it might just be running from the problem as well.

oh and that email is long gone. guess I'll be on this acct now.

 

[herbavore]

I'm going to have to get used to the name change! Living in Hippieland through the 70's meant that half my friends were suddenly demanding to be called Sage or Autumn when their names had been say, Ben and Carol. LOL. You are always going to be Mafioso to me but I'll try to retrain the aging synapses to get accustomed to seeing Chon=Mafioso.

Moving is not always running away. Seattle has a lot going on.

Keep hanging in there, friend. I'm thinking of you and I have the utmost faith in you.

 

[Tubbs]

Like herby said man, moving isn't always running away. Sometimes you have to just get away from the places that trigger you, the places that carry memories, whether they're good or bad.

Hang in there man, you've got this.

 

[Chon]

Can't leave the state due to my legal status, not sure what that's going to look like either, still have an open case. I wish I could have a fresh start already, but an expensive lesson I'm learning is that you can't just walk away from some mistakes... some mistakes stick around and follow you where ever you go. Some mistakes will haunt you for long to come, and there isn't much to be done.

Sorry if I sound hopeless, but I think I have finally reached my limit. I"m falling apart going nowhere, doing nothing. Just trying to hold on as the world spin choaticlly around me. I'm too dizzy to stand and no longer believe in myself. I don't think I will make it and I want to opt out.

I appreciate the kind and understanding words, as always.. I wish I had something more than despair to share with the world, but this is it. THis is what I feel, this is what I am thinking... at least right now.

 

[Chon]

So feeling a little better now. I took the last dose of alprazolam that I had which really seemed to level me out. I don't feel so hopeless at the moment. Think I will go for a smoke and then try and get some rest and get an early start tomorrow. I have been waking up with anxiety coursing though me with the cold sweats and severe nausea. Have barely been eating but I'll heave and wretch until my stomach is completely empty. Was given Zofran by the doctor for the nausea, but not very much, but hopefully it will be enough to get me through the next few days.

I want to buy more because I don't feel ready to step off the taper, but I don't trust myself either, so things might get a little messier before they get better, but I have stepped down, so the sickness should be relatively mild compared to what I have been through. I can do this. I believe in myself, I've done this too many times before not to be able to do it one last time. I can beat this. And even though I hardly believe those words, I do believe them.

 

[herbavore]

I can do this. I believe in myself, I've done this too many times before not to be able to do it one last time. I can beat this. And even though I hardly believe those words, I do believe them.

I can relate to this feeling soooo much. It's a matter of the short view and the long view. In the immediate future I am all doubt and anxiety but if I set my sights further ahead I do actually see some faith in myself that I can make the changes. So it's good to keep nurturing that long view because ultimately that's what gets you where you want to be.