Today is the 25th day I've been on MMT and I still have mixed feelings about it. Part of me says 'what the fuck...why did I do this? Now I can't even get high just once in a while-like to celebrate or something' and the other part of me says 'well, duh! That's why I went on it in the first place! So I couldn't get high, even just once in a while. Because it never stays just once in a while. It always turns into a binge-whether it's my pain pills all in a week or it's a bag of smack (or multiple bags of smack-until I run out of spending money)".
I suppose that really means that I'm still craving at times. Not enough to actually go use, but enough to where my mind is on it a bunch. Going up to 80/mgs just isn't an option for me right now. 70/mgs needs to be okay. I need it to be okay. I plan on staying on mmt for a while and I don't want to get up into the 100's when it comes to my dose. That's one of the reasons why my boyfriend hasn't gone up past 40mgs (and he's been on it a week longer than I), is because he plans on being on mmt for a long time (possibly a lifer) and by staying at 40mgs right now, and for as long as he can, he gives himself some room to go up when he really needs to. From what I've read though (and I could totally have just misinterpreted the meaning behind this) due to methadone's NMDA antagonist property a person could theoretically stay at the same dose for years without needed to increase their dose and still be satisfied with it. So why not just find the dose that works well and then stay there? Anyway...70mgs seems to be good for me. I figure if the cravings get so bad I'm finding my self actually trying to talk my boyfriend into copping OR if I find myself reaching for my pills to CWE, then it's probably time to go up. But for now, I need to learn some fucking self control!
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The job that I had I quit. It just wasn't going to work out. My first and only shift was on a Friday and not one customer came in, hence to tips for me (and a server lives off their tips!) then Monday I was called off not even an hour before my shift, so Tuesday I called in a quit. The amount of money I would have paid my baby sitter would have trumped what I would have made at the pizza shop. I did however interview for a sweet new seafood restaurant opening up three blocks away from my house and I have my finger and toes crossed on this job. If I don't get it, I'm seriously going to cry! I really really need this job! And I would do a great job there. I would love it! It my neighborhood, I love my neighborhood and I want to work there. It would be perfect for me, because I could walk there (my boyfriend would be able to use the car then and make an extra $1/hr by giving someone a ride), my sitter lives just two blocks up from the restaurant, and I could be working in my neighborhood. It's not a bar, so that's a huge plus as well! I'm really nervous that I'm not going to get it. I've been interviewing like crazy in this town and I have yet to be hired at a good restaurant. Part of me thinks it's because I don't have the "look" meaning I don't do my hair and make up all fancy AND my front top tooth has a small chip in it. Being on Medicaid and being an adult, they won't cover it and since I'm broke I can't afford to get a replacement tooth. But I've been serving tables for twenty fucking years. And I'm really good at what I do. And I REALLY FUCKING NEED this job! If I don't get it, I'll be crushed. I'm so tired of not getting good serving jobs. I mean, I'm willing to go work at fucking Micky D's just to make ends meet for my family, but I've got a fucking degree from one of the most prestigious public university's in the nation and loads of experience in food service. I am not religious by any means, but you better believe that I'm praying my ass off I get this job. Please please PLEASE let me get this job!!!
My family has caught so much shit recently-my oldest has been struggling with lice for over a year (schools in my county no longer send kids home if they have lice since it's only a nuisance and it doesn't spread disease so every time we beat the damn things, she gets reinfested from some kid in her class), pink eye just last month and now fucking ringworm from the pet rats I bought her a month ago. On top of all that, my boyfriend and I have made so many bad life choices in the past that we're really trying to better ourselves and our family and it seems like nothing we do ever gets us ahead. I just want to work my ass off, and have money to save so I can get my kids into cool activities. So I can take them shopping for clothes that aren't second (or third or fourth hand-me-downs) hand. So I can buy them a bicycle. So I can make things right. I'm tired of leaning on my boyfriend's mom to cover our ass when we don't have enough money to pay our bills (which wasn't a problem when it was just me, but us as a team, we've had a difficult time doing that). And yes, I know, all of these came out of the decisions I made, so I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. And I am fully capable of taking full responsibility for those bad choices, but all I'm asking for is a chance. A chance to show the owners who interviewed me what I can do. A chance to finally get on our feet. A chance to change our family's trajectory. I fucking took the plunge and traded getting high for methadone maintenance. I'm trading in my bar nights, getting fucking drunk and acting silly with friends, for cuddling up cozy with my boyfriend for movies, popcorn and pot. Or maybe craft night with him. I don't know, doing something healthy for a change instead of self destructive. Just please universe, please please please! Give me this job. Give me this chance. PLEASE!
I suppose that really means that I'm still craving at times. Not enough to actually go use, but enough to where my mind is on it a bunch. Going up to 80/mgs just isn't an option for me right now. 70/mgs needs to be okay. I need it to be okay. I plan on staying on mmt for a while and I don't want to get up into the 100's when it comes to my dose. That's one of the reasons why my boyfriend hasn't gone up past 40mgs (and he's been on it a week longer than I), is because he plans on being on mmt for a long time (possibly a lifer) and by staying at 40mgs right now, and for as long as he can, he gives himself some room to go up when he really needs to. From what I've read though (and I could totally have just misinterpreted the meaning behind this) due to methadone's NMDA antagonist property a person could theoretically stay at the same dose for years without needed to increase their dose and still be satisfied with it. So why not just find the dose that works well and then stay there? Anyway...70mgs seems to be good for me. I figure if the cravings get so bad I'm finding my self actually trying to talk my boyfriend into copping OR if I find myself reaching for my pills to CWE, then it's probably time to go up. But for now, I need to learn some fucking self control!
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The job that I had I quit. It just wasn't going to work out. My first and only shift was on a Friday and not one customer came in, hence to tips for me (and a server lives off their tips!) then Monday I was called off not even an hour before my shift, so Tuesday I called in a quit. The amount of money I would have paid my baby sitter would have trumped what I would have made at the pizza shop. I did however interview for a sweet new seafood restaurant opening up three blocks away from my house and I have my finger and toes crossed on this job. If I don't get it, I'm seriously going to cry! I really really need this job! And I would do a great job there. I would love it! It my neighborhood, I love my neighborhood and I want to work there. It would be perfect for me, because I could walk there (my boyfriend would be able to use the car then and make an extra $1/hr by giving someone a ride), my sitter lives just two blocks up from the restaurant, and I could be working in my neighborhood. It's not a bar, so that's a huge plus as well! I'm really nervous that I'm not going to get it. I've been interviewing like crazy in this town and I have yet to be hired at a good restaurant. Part of me thinks it's because I don't have the "look" meaning I don't do my hair and make up all fancy AND my front top tooth has a small chip in it. Being on Medicaid and being an adult, they won't cover it and since I'm broke I can't afford to get a replacement tooth. But I've been serving tables for twenty fucking years. And I'm really good at what I do. And I REALLY FUCKING NEED this job! If I don't get it, I'll be crushed. I'm so tired of not getting good serving jobs. I mean, I'm willing to go work at fucking Micky D's just to make ends meet for my family, but I've got a fucking degree from one of the most prestigious public university's in the nation and loads of experience in food service. I am not religious by any means, but you better believe that I'm praying my ass off I get this job. Please please PLEASE let me get this job!!!
My family has caught so much shit recently-my oldest has been struggling with lice for over a year (schools in my county no longer send kids home if they have lice since it's only a nuisance and it doesn't spread disease so every time we beat the damn things, she gets reinfested from some kid in her class), pink eye just last month and now fucking ringworm from the pet rats I bought her a month ago. On top of all that, my boyfriend and I have made so many bad life choices in the past that we're really trying to better ourselves and our family and it seems like nothing we do ever gets us ahead. I just want to work my ass off, and have money to save so I can get my kids into cool activities. So I can take them shopping for clothes that aren't second (or third or fourth hand-me-downs) hand. So I can buy them a bicycle. So I can make things right. I'm tired of leaning on my boyfriend's mom to cover our ass when we don't have enough money to pay our bills (which wasn't a problem when it was just me, but us as a team, we've had a difficult time doing that). And yes, I know, all of these came out of the decisions I made, so I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. And I am fully capable of taking full responsibility for those bad choices, but all I'm asking for is a chance. A chance to show the owners who interviewed me what I can do. A chance to finally get on our feet. A chance to change our family's trajectory. I fucking took the plunge and traded getting high for methadone maintenance. I'm trading in my bar nights, getting fucking drunk and acting silly with friends, for cuddling up cozy with my boyfriend for movies, popcorn and pot. Or maybe craft night with him. I don't know, doing something healthy for a change instead of self destructive. Just please universe, please please please! Give me this job. Give me this chance. PLEASE!