Hello, I have been using meth for as long as I can remember. I am a functioning addict. Well, as functional as one could be that is. I never let meth completely take over in a sense like I've seen it do to others. They loose literally everything. I still have my house, cars, gf, and a remodeling company.
In the last few years I've almost resided myself to the belief that once we flood our brain with large amounts of dopamine there just isn't any coming back from that. It's for life. I've always wanted to quit but just never could fully quit. I'm a daily user. I only missed using 4 days in 2021. And haven't missed any this year.
I have a lot riding on my shoulders. I support more than a few people so I MUST continue to work and make money. But I know if I quit meth I will be a complete emotional wreck and a total sloth for at least a month. There is no one to take care of me or the bills or the people I take care of. It's almost like quiting meth would be physically irresponsible. So I'm caught up in a cycle. "Caught in the mosh"
I have been on county probation for years at a time and became a felon 2 years ago when I was indicted on delivery of narcotics. Fucking dtf finally got me on video. I was put on state probation and so far I've been lucky enough not to fail drug tests. I have been using a medical urine bag and a tube taped to the bottom of my nuts. I've had some funny and close calls using it "pissed all over the wall, floor and myself" but have never been caught with it.
Recently I caught another charge and have been put on community corrections. It's a very strict probation program with close monitoring and weekly drug testing. Unfortunately my tube apparatus will not work because they make you lift up shirt and pull pants down to ankles. No way to hide it now.
Seems my only option at this point is to either quit or get violated and revoked to serve on a 8 year suspended sentence in state prison. The funny part is the fact that this is even a choice to me. That I would even consider saying fuck it and risk the 8 years in state prison. It's absolutely obsurd that meth has such a hold on me. But 21 years using, 15 solid years of use is quite a long time. I'm sure by now my brain has changed so much that it will be very difficult to quit. I have to admit I'm scared. I don't know how I will be able to accomplish this and still hold everything together. I have always had great willpower with everything in life except this. Meth has control. I feel powerless to it.
I have 5 days until my drug test and I used 3 hours ago so I guess this was my last time to use unless I want to end up in prison for 8 years.
I feel so hopeless. I need help. I don't want to go into rehab because everything would fall apart without me. I don't want to go to jail for the same reason. So my only real option is to quit on my own right now cold turkey.
I'm not one to be emotional over much but I am literally crying right now. This is going to be so hard.
I guess I am writing this post to ask for anyone's help on this matter. What can I do to soften the blow? I can't really afford to miss any work but under the circumstances I am allowing myself 7 days. I will have to get back at it after that time period has passed. Does anyone have any tips on how to gain natural energy back quickly? Other medication I could take? Supplements?
I'm open to just about anything at this point except letting my life fall apart while I struggle with the withdraw. With my long term use I'm probably looking at 30 days before I will be able to even function properly and most likely 1-2 years before everything is back to normal.
It's sad, I don't even remember what normal is anymore.
Thanks to anyone that took time to read this and any advice would be much appreciated.
