Recovery 2 months going on 3

[twang]

I'm living with my mom at the moment until I can get back on my own feet. There is usually left overs and it's mostly good food in general, lots of rice and meat, stews and spaghetti. It could be healthier but I'm not going to complain. Really I have been drinking a lot of soda and eating cookies and ice cream late night when I have trouble sleeping. I eat decent food but I just need to cut some things out and replace them with fruit or vegetables.

Thanks for the responses, I guess I have something I can focus on this coming week.

Late night snacking is my downfall too. I wake up a lot in the middle of the night and always go get a bowl of cereal or something. Last night after I got home around midnight I had half a pint of ice cream, half a sandwich, potato chips, and half a piece of pie. FUCK. I eat good healthy stuff for lunch and dinner for the most part, but the snacking before and after is what ruins my diet. When I start drinking soda it's really hard to stop. It washes shit food down so much better than water. But once you can stop drinking it for awhile it's not that hard to stay away from it, for me anyway. I'm sleeping on a couch in my parents basement right now but as far as cooking goes it works well because they have a much nicer/bigger kitchen than I ever had at the house/apartments I used to live in on my own so it makes cooking easier and more fun. Cooking for myself is a necessity because I eat what my mom makes maybe once a month because she doesn't cook stuff I'm comfortable eating. She actually made hamburger helper this week. You gotta have a disgusting gutter pallet to eat that shit in my opinion. I'd rather go hungry than eat something like that. I understand eating on a budget but if I only had a few bucks to spend on a meal I'll opt for a banana and sauté a couple vegetables or something like that.

 

[Mafioso]

Lol yeah the late night snacking is a hard habit to curb. I find myself pacing around the kitchen, picking up and putting down bags of chips and what not before I finally give in and decide to eat something so I can sleep. I don't know if it is healthier but I try to eat leftovers rather than just chips or cookies. I figure eating a small meal will be better than destroying half a bag of chips or whatever.

I went 2 months with hardly drinking soda(a month in jail and then another month in rehab) and since I've been back home it's all I want to drink. I think it's partly because I wasn't able to drink it before and it's a bit of a novelty now, but partly just because it's full of sugar and tastes better than water. I don't really have a craving for soda it's become a default almost, I just grab a soda with a meal out of habit. I guess it's better than grabbing a handful of pills or a joint before/after a meal... but still a habit that needs correction.

My depression/low mood has lifted but I still feel a bit lazy, like wanting to just lay around and watch movies all day type of feeling. I got my license back this week(suspended from a DUI in January of this year) and am getting a phone today. I feel more independent and less of a burden. Hopefully I can get a job doing electrical again, not being able to pay for anything is something that bothers me and something I can use as an excuse to just lay around so I don't have to spend money.

Overall though I'm feeling pretty good today, saw my counselor today which helped as well. Thanks again for the support, hope everyone has a good day as well. If not, hang in there, your day will come.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Nice work with everything you're doing! I found replacing soda with seltzer water to be really easy and nearly if not just as enjoyable. I also had an issue with soda at one point, and replacing it with seltzer was easier than one might think.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey thanks man, and I'll have to try it. I know not long ago I would want to drink Gatorade or soda but didn't have access to it so I would water with a bunch of ice in it and that seemed to curb the desire.

But yeah I realized today as I was driving back from seeing my counselor that I feel better than I have in close to a decade, at least in a broad sense. I don't know if I will ever feel as good as the euphoria brought on my drug use, but I wont ever feel as low as I felt when the drugs wore off. I definitely feel way better overall, it's nice to go through the day without worrying about how or when I will get high, feeling guilt, and all the bs that comes along with that lifestyle.

 

[Jabberwocky]

With enough practice, sobriety has actually involved feelings much more pleasant than those I experienced during using heroin/etc. There are certainly going to be ups and downs, but especially with time and consistent effort, even if it is just a little bit but you're consistent with it (consistency is key here), you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel and how much higher your QOL will become.

You're doing great my friend, keep up the awesome work!

 

[Mafioso]

What's QOL?

I agree that sobriety is much more pleasant even though every day may not be perfect. It's nice waking up and remembering what I did the night before.

Just got a call from my buddy that lives up in Seattle. I might go visit him in the next few weeks but I am a little nervous about it because I started smoking weed with him and even though he's quit, we would always smoke together when we saw each other. He also drinks quite a bit as of late. I really don't have an urge to get high or drunk but I am catching myself wondering if I can have a beer or two when I visit because I didn't have a problem with alcohol. I told him if I come visit I can't fuck around and that I shouldn't drink because of how it makes me want to use other drugs, and I'm pretty sure he will be respectful. This guy thought I was dead when I up and vanished, he said he was checking jails, prisons and obituaries for my name. He thinks its a good thing that I got sober, he knew how heavily I was using. He is also one of the few people that still want to talk/hang out knowing that I've had to completely change my lifestyle. He is one of the few that I still talk to that I knew before starting to use.

Has anyone been able to hang out with old friends that still drink/use? I've already met up with a few friends that still drink or use, but they have been local and I've been able to leave after a few hours. I'm just nervous that things might be uncomfortable and my feelings might change. I've also gone out to the bars with my sister and cousin for her birthday and didn't drink at all, nor was I really tempted to because I really just don't like feeling drunk.

Thoughts? opinions? experiences?

 

[twang]

QOL = quality of life.

I don't mind hanging out with people that drink. Don't like hanging out with people that get drunk though because I don't like getting drunk very often anymore. I'm a bartender so if alcohol was going to affect my sobriety I'd be using by now or out of a job. I don't have a problem with alcohol and I can drink without wanting to use opiates. Same with smoking weed. I dont talk to anyone that still uses opiates besides bupe. If hanging out with people that smoke weed or drink alcohol could even be a potential risk, I would avoid it.

 

[Mafioso]

It's not so much that he drinks alcohol or used to smoke weed, it's more that we started smoking weed together. He is a really good friend though and I want to honor the friendship. I know he wont pressure me into anything and will probably try and prevent me from using since I've told him I've gone to rehab and everything. He also mentioned he gets drug tested for his job, so I doubt he will even want to smoke. I think it was more like a ritual type thing before, and he would basically be risking losing his job.

I personally don't see a problem with having a beer/drink or taking a few hits of weed, but being that I am getting drug tested by my mom and that my family would probably view it as a relapse I am completely abstaining. I also think it is a good idea for me to completely abstain just for sake of avoiding high risk situations, maybe in a year or two I will let myself take a hit of weed or have a drink, but currently I don't know if it is a good idea for me personally or socially.

But yeah, I guess I should really question whether it is a good idea or not. I can always visit him later on in my recovery when I am more stable.

 

[twang]

If you're questioning it as even a POTENTIAL risk for your sobriety, why risk it. Nothing in my life right now is more important than not getting high on opiates, and I imagine that will remain the most important thing in my life until I die. I would imagine you feel the same way? its definitely more important to me than friendships. If you have doubts about staying clean while going to visit a friend, stay home...
If you're confident in your ability to remain clean even if you're put in a tempting situation then go for it.

 

[Mafioso]

I'd have to agree, I'm just mixed up because it's not like I will go up there and start popping pills. At most I might smoke a little weed and have a drink or two--if anything at all.. My mom and counselor and probably a lot of my family would view that as a relapse, and I guess by some standards it is... but to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about people who say that anyone who has a problem with substance use disorder can never touch a drink or have a smoke for the rest of their lives. I know quite a few people who have gone through serious addiction and still smoke a little weed or whatever. To me it seems like if you tell yourself or believe that having one drink is a relapse then after that first drink it will be easier to say "fuck it, I already relapsed" and then start smoking H or whatever it might be. I would say that if I started popping pills I would be in trouble.

What's your definition of relapse?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I understand a relapse as going back to old patterns of problematic behavior over a sustained period of time where one understand that it is problematic behavior yet continues to engage in it despite the harmful circumstances. I understand a lapse or a slip as a shorter period of time, often just one or two or three days, or taking a former DOC but realizing the budding pattern and preventing it from actually turning back into the same habit patterns of behavior outside merely drug use.

Stealing would be a relapse for me. A one off day of using without other problematic behavior would be a lapse for me.

What is important is how you define relapse though. Everyone has an opinion, but when it comes to you and your own life, yours is the only opinion that truly matters.

 

[Mafioso]

toothpaste, makes a lot of sense. I would agree, I like how you differentiate between a relapse and lapse. As far as my personal definition I feel that I am going back and forth about whether or not smoking weed would be a personal relapse. It was a DOC for a long time and was problematic in a lot of ways but when compared to my opiate or benzo habit it really seems benign.

I often wonder about whether or not I'll be able to just take a few drags and not feel the urge to buy some to smoke alone. I think I'm going to wait longer until I feel more stable and decide later down the road. For now I think I should completely abstain.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That sounds like a very mature plan. To a large degree recovery is about experimenting with that works for you as an individual. There is a lot to be said for the conservative approach to substance use.

I find that beating myself up over something like smoking pot to be more harmful than the actual smoking of pot, but that is me. TBH I didn't get a medical cannabis card until well into recovery. I smoked a lot for a couple months, but as soon as my schedule filled up it's not really something I have time (or desire) for anymore.

Bottom line, fuck everyone else and do what works for you. The willingness to make mistakes and effort to learn from them is really all that matters IMHO.

 

[Mafioso]

Agreed, those are very valid points I would think.

Really, even when I was smoking all day every day I would miss being sober but my cravings or urge to get stoned would be stronger than the desire to stay sober. I'm a musician and would notice that I was far more capable when sober versus stoned. I did like smoking a few hits when I was writing songs but would notice if I got too stoned I would write in circles and get nothing done. I think in general this is how getting stoned impacts my life. I appreciate just being sober these days when I think back to what it was like being stoned all day. It definitely made normal activities harder.

I think I would like to be able to have control over my habit rather than letting the habit control me, at least when it comes to smoking weed. For now though, I think I will continue to exercise my self control by remaining completely abstinent. I think it would be wise of me to build a stronger foundation before voyaging out too far, so to speak.

I should probably wait until after my case clears up and see whether or not I get put on probation. If I'm put on probation I don't want to have to worry about pissing dirty. I think it would also be a good idea for me to get a full time job before I start smoking again so I don't have to worry about drug testing. I'm going to school full time and working part time but depending on how my case turns out I may have to get a full time job, or at least a job that isn't under the table.

Thanks again for the input guys, it is really appreciated.

How do you guys feel about AA or NA? I've been considering going to meetings but have issues with the 12 step program, mostly just that I don't believe in a higher power in terms of god. I think I will probably go just for the social aspect of being around people with similar struggles and similar goals.

 

[Jabberwocky]

xA meetings can be really hit or miss. I had horrible experience with them, like worst case scenario. Predators and people generally haven't actually done much developmental work are maintains in pretty much any home group I've ever been a part of where I live. The groupthink phenomenon is also incredibly powerful.

That said, I know plenty of people who found it helpful. If you're able to take the good and leave the bad, more power to you. The cost:benefit ratio didn't pan out for me though. I'd definitely try it, take what you hear with a grain of salt, and decide for yourself if it's worth your time. Just keep an open mind, as there is tons of bullshit you'll run into in any abstinence only type group. There are lots of good people there, they just can be hard to find.

If you live in one of a few cities there is a group called Against the Stream I found far more helpful. There are also recovery centered peer support groups like SMART and Refuge Recovery if you want to try something a little different. In all cases though YMMV.

I found mindfulness based stress reduction programs and the secular mindfulness community to be infinitely more useful.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah I know a lot of chronic relapsers who go to my local meetings and tbh am a little afraid to run into old drug friends. I think I am at a point now where I will just feel compassion for them rather than consider using with them. I've had plenty of opportunity to reach out to old drug dealers and other drug users- actually had some of my old dealers reach out to me. As of right now, I'm over it. I'm glad that I got sober and want to maintain.

I'm thinking about trying a meeting tomorrow though. I'll definitely look into the groups you mentioned. I haven't looked too deeply into the meetings around me but from the little research I did most seem to be either at a church or have some sort of affiliation.

When you say "predictors" are you referring to the type of person who seems to have almost a superstition about sobriety/drug use?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Haha that works too, but I'd meant to type "predators", like folks who prey on newcomers for all sorts of reasons (sexual, financial, etc, often under the guise of "recovery" related "support").

 

[Mafioso]

lol I guess that would make more sense. I can imagine how desperation can lead to predatory behavior and programs like NA/AA may be the perfect hunting grounds for some.