Recovery 2 months going on 3

[Mafioso]

So I finished a 30-day inpatient rehab after spending a little over a month in jail, making it almost 90 days since my last use. I was psychotic in jail, completely bat shit crazy. I still have 3 charges hanging over my head, 2 of them felonies. I had to talk to a court appointed dr concerning my mental health since I was mentally incompetent while serving some of my time. After going over my drug use history(opiates, benzos, weed, amphetamine, coke, and lsd) he basically told me that I'm lucky I'm not still bat shit crazy and that I can have coherent thoughts. I don't remember probably about a month preceding my arrest and about a month after my arrest. I was put on a list of psychotropic drugs, mainly a heavy dose of an anti-psychotic. I was hearing voices and having visual hallucinations. By the time I was bailed out and checked into an inpatient program, I had regained my sanity and at will stopped taking the anti psyc.

Anyways, I'm glad I'm not in a looney bin and although I wish I hadn't had to go through the legal troubles I'm facing to get help, I am glad that I got help.

i'm currently back in my old neighborhood living with my mom, going to a trade school and working for my brother in law part time. It's the best I could probably have hoped for- I know without a supportive family I would be in a world of trouble- well I'd probably still be in jail...

Anyways, I was hoping to get some advice to dealing with a looming feeling of depression for lack of a better word. It seems to come and go, some weeks I'm fine, excited about starting a new career and hopeful that my lawyer will get the charges reduced or dismissed and I wont have to serve any more time. Other times I feel hopeless, a feeling like I will never succeed and that what I lost is too great to overcome, as well as feeling like I should just fire my lawyer and let the charges stick if the judge sees so fit. I know the second feeling I described to be unhealthy and more of a product of a lack of drive rather than a genuine feeling. I guess I just start feeling overwhelmed or exasperated about the whole situation, frustrated that beyond staying sober there isn't really anything I can do for my case and that the outcome of my case will predict much of my future. It is hard to look past the fact that most everything I'm working toward right now can get stripped away with a negative verdict.

Any feedback is appreciated.. I'm still seeing my counselor on an outpatient basis and plan to attend NA meetings once I get my license back next week. I guess I've become fairly isolated now being that I only talk to a small handful of family and friends, making a point not to associate with anyone caught up with my old lifestyle.

I guess I'm looking for some perspective, if anyone has dealt with legal troubles and addiction please let me know some things that helped you.

 

[simco]

Could you explain a bit more about the psychosis you experienced in jail? It sounds like you are facing some psychiatric challenges. Personally, one of the best things I ever did for myself was getting proper treatment for co-occurring disorders (major depression w psychotic features and opioid use disorder). Until I started treating those as two sides of one coin I was really struggling.

 

[Mafioso]

Well to be honest, I don't really remember much of the psychosis. I remember some of my hallucinations. The best way I can describe the experience was that it was like living in a nightmare. I had a bunch of multiple delusions at the same time. I had thought that I was being filmed for a TV show and that someone was narrating my days, making jokes about my behavior and that sort of shit. I also didn't realize I was in jail and thought I had volunteered for some medical experiment in which they put brick walls in my house. I would wake up thinking I was at home and get out of bed only to find there was a wall where there should be a door. I remember yelling at the guards for help, but at the same time I didn't believe they were real COs but instead actors wearing fake uniforms. I also thought that I was being extorted by a gang, believing that they had broke into my house and stole my tools, music gear and car. My parents and family that came to visit me said I was acting very strange and seemed to not recognize them.

I remember having a few moments of clarity but I was extremely agitated and would yell threats and cuss out the guards. After about 2-3 weeks the hallucinations had stopped and I was able to realize and accept where I was at. I don't fully remember the night that I was arrested, but I was using so heavily that I don't really remember the months prior to my arrest. The only reason I know what happened is through medical records from the jail and from talking to my neighbor and mom.

I've been able to control my emotions for the most part, but if anything I am somewhat withdrawn emotionally. I don't feel angry or happy, just sort of middle ground flat line. I am able to complete my school work on time and am getting good grades. I haven't relapsed at all nor do I feel strong urges, today I went to a few bars with my cousin and her friends for her birthday. I was able to go with them to 2 bars for about 3 hours before I decided to leave. There wasn't a strong urge to drink or use, I just didn't feel like hanging out any longer as the group was becoming fairly intoxicated. When I went to my old house I found some leftover pills which I immediately handed off to my neighbor to destroy. I've walked past known dealers houses and have been at parks and public places where people are smoking weed. My point being that I feel like I am in control of myself once again, I just struggle to be happy or not depressed. For example I never seem to have much to say in conversations. Maybe it's partly because I don't have much going on because to people who have gone down similar paths I don't feel a shortage of words, it just seems difficult to relate to people who haven't experienced addiction and breaking free. I was diagnosed with PTSD by the director of the inpatient facility I attended. Idk if it's accurate.

 

[twang]

I can't identify with the psychosis but the legal troubles and addiction absolutely. Got busted with 5 felonies and 2 misdemeanors worth of drugs when I was 18. Was my first time being charged though and lawyer got it reduced to 1 felony so I could qualify for drug court. No jail time just lots of group counseling and pissing in cups. I used fake piss the entire time though and graduated to heroin while I was in the drug court program. Dropped Dirty a couple times but only had to spend a day in jail because of it and got 2 months added to the 12 month program. Even though I never did any time it was looming over me because I knew if I got caught with anything at all the deal was off the table and I would get charged with the original 5 felonies. I was so balls deep in addiction though I didn't even care. My addiction was a freight train that wouldn't stop for anything. I also was stuck living with a crazy woman in a relationship that was toxic that eventually led me to be a horrendous alcoholic before I was even 21. I drank a handle (1.75L) of grey goose every 3 days. I eventually made it through the program, somehow, and was waaaaay worse off in my addiction than when I entered the program. It wasn't until I finally broke up with the crazy lady that I was able to clean myself up with my fresh outlook on life. Quit boozing and quit heroin and got on bupe. But it didn't take long until I was back on heroin and picked up where I left off. I'm finally off it again and back on bupe, still dealing with the needle addiction though. Even though I get no gratification, no high from it, I compulsively shoot my bupe. But I'm way better off now than I was when the year started. Finding something to really live for and good reasons to wake up in the morning make it easier to stay sober. I'm seeing the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life and I'm trying to regain my old addiction, money. I'm broke as fuck, don't even have $1k to my name, no bank account, still owe thousands of dollars to a couple friends. I miss having spending money so I could go out to eat and not worry about how much I'm going to spend. The girl I'm seeing has cooked me an amazing dinner every weekend for the past few months and I just got around to taking her out to eat for the first time this past weekend. I feel like a serious piece of shit due to my financial situation and that's biggest area of focus now that I'm off dope and have zero desire to get back on it. I look for and appreciate the beauty in every day life. Sun rises, sun sets, acts of kindness, etc. When I hang out with this girl I'm seeing I can literally just sit there and stare at her and just be amazed at how beautiful a person she is, inside and out. I had a dream I cheated on her (I've never cheated on a girl, ever) and woke up feeling so fucking sick and guilty. It wasn't just a sex dream with someone else, it was me thinking to myself "she will never find out and I'm so horny right now, fuck it let's do this" and I woke up hating myself for the entire day. Anyways, not everyone can be so lucky I guess. I was voluntarily single for a few years because after dating the crazy lady and being driven to such hatred of life because of being with her I was turned off by girls completely for awhile and was just fine to sit and wait for one worth my time and the wait paid off. For now anyways. Craziness doesn't always reveal itself right away and I think to myself a lot that I can't really be this lucky and surely she will turn out to be a crazy, hormonal, irrational female like most of the rest of them. Otherwise why would she even give a loser like me the time of day? And that's what I am right now by societal standards, a fucking loser than ruined his life and is trying to pick up the pieces. But even though I know I'm a fuckin loser, I know for a fact I have the potential to turn it around and turn this shitty life into a success story. My biggest priority is just to not fuck it all up again by using heroin. Whatever fucking happens I cannot use heroin again or I'm just going to fail completely or set myself back so far I don't think I'd even care enough to come back from it.
Congratulations on almost 90 days. I never kept count the two times I quit using heroin because I always saw it as setting myself up for failure, but I'm around 4 months clean now, a little more than that I think so we're at about the same spot. im surprised at how easy it's felt to stay clean, but I felt the same way last time I got off dope and that time I was able to kick the needle addiction the same time I kicked dope and when I got on bupe I started weening down right away. This time I haven't been able to do that but the heroin is out of my life and that's the best thing that could have ever happened to me. For me it's the drive to make money that ultimately makes me want to stay clean. I guess you could say the will to earn money is my hobby. Every addict I've ever known has to find a hobby or something to keep themselves occupied and driven. Find that. That thing that will make you the happiest person you can be and everything else should fall into place as long as you stay clean.

 

[simco]

Thanks for the clarification, Mafioso.

Luckily (and I do mean luckily), my legal troubles have been minor. But I have a lot of experience with the kinds of addiction and mental health issues you're contending with. I've had severe depression my whole life. About a year ago, when my heroin habit was at its biggest, I had a full-on psychotic break. It came in the form of hearing voices telling me to do horrendous things, and believing that workers out in the street were staging an assault on my house...I barricaded myself inside and ultimately set about overdosing to kill myself out of fear. Eventually a friend of mine let himself into the house when I was unconscious and he narcan'ed me and got me to the hospital. I was involuntarily committed to a locked ward for 10 days, and ended up staying for a month.

After getting out of the hospital, I went to rehab (an IOP). I had been trying to quit heroin for over two years at that point. Between a lot of hard work and some good counseling/medication I finally started making progress in recovery. At this point it's been a bit over 10 months since I used heroin (I still use cannabis...complete sobriety was never my goal).

I don't know if that story really matters in this setting, though. The important thing that I think we share is that emotional emptiness after a psychotic break. It's very hard to describe. I still have some feelings...mostly depression and anxiety. But none of my emotions have any 'depth' to them. Ever since that break from reality, I've felt very detached from the world. I also have trouble socializing with people. And I had to leave a couple jobs because I just couldn't seem to interact with people in a normal way.

To be honest, it's a real challenge, and I'm not sure where it will end up.

You didn't ask for advice, so I'll keep that to a minimum. The only thing I'll say in that department is that everything is at its best for me these days if I adhere to the old cliche of taking things "one day at a time." Like twang said, I figure the best I can do is to stay clean. So I just focus on my recovery each day, for that day only.

I dunno...I hope some this makes sense.

In any case, you're doing great, man. 2/3 months is fucking awesome!

 

[twang]

Mafioso would you say you're an introvert loner type? It seems heroin will make even the extroverted people fall into isolation. I personally am an introvert and was never the type of person that enjoyed going to parties or being in large groups. Heroin exacerbated that and I pretty much lost touch with everyone over the past 5 years and convinced myself I was thriving in isolation. I still talk to some olds friends that weren't into opiates, and a few that have gotten clean as well, but I don't even have a best friend anymore. No one I can truly and honestly confide in. Do you have a best friend? Someone that knows everything about you and still loves you, male or female? I feel like just telling someone everything and making yourself completely vulnerable to a person you can trust, that would have your baCk no matter what, would help with depression. I know exactly how you feel about not being able to relate to people who haven't gone through what you've been through. I don't have that person, No one to spill my guts to. and even though I've never been diagnosed with depression or felt crippled by it, that's the one thing that still kind of gets me down. I've been honest with new friends about my addiction struggles but they don't really understand. They can't offer anything more than "damn that's crazy. Glad you're doing better man" or "I'll punch you in the face if you use again" as if that would be helpful...
I'm not necessarily actively seeking a companion that I can be honest with who understands me but I probably should. I also have major trust issues though and don't think I could ever really tell someone EVERYTHING. I've been taken advantage of, cheated on, and stolen from too many times in the past. anyways, if you have even one person in your life that understands you and you don't have to fear being judged when you open up to them, you should take advantage because I feel like just knowing there was someone out there who knew everything there was to know about me, that I didn't have to worry about them telling other people, or using the information against me, I'd be a happier person.

 

[Mafioso]

Thanks for the responses.

Simco, my first psychotic episode sounds a lot like the one you described except I wasn't hospitalized. I was using somewhere around 15-20mg of Xanax a day and god knows how many opiates. I ran out and could not get more so I was forced into benzo withdraw without any taper. I started hearing voices and believed that my neighbor was doing all kinds of crazy shit in attempts to drive me crazy and also that he had intentions to rob me. The crazy part is that he is actually a really close friend. I was hearing voices, thought my phone was ringing when it wasn't, thought I heard someone in the house, and thought my neighbor was playing the same song on repeat extremely loud to fuck with my sleep. After about 2 weeks of that I had a grand mal seizure and woke up in the hospital. I can still remember the feeling immediately after. It was like my head was scrambled, couldn't think and had trouble putting words together.

I know what you mean when you say take one day at a time. My emotions tend to sweep from feeling good to feeling hopeless to just feeling empty or unmotivated.

twang, I guess I'd be considered and introvert but I can open up pretty easily if I want to and I don't really have trouble socializing. Meeting new people is a bit of a struggle. I have people I can open up to without fear of judgement it's just that those people with the exception of one person doesn't really have much to say other than "fuck that's crazy man, glad you're ok" or "stay strong, stay out of trouble" type of responses. I appreciate the response and know I would have given similar responses a few years ago, but still wish that there were more people I could relate to. I hate being treated different because I'm an addict, like not being invited to socialize because people may be drinking or smoking pot. I feel like my family is treating me like I'm fragile, which I guess I am in some ways but at the same time I feel more normal than I have in close to a decade. I feel like I'm treated more differently now than when I was just high and fucked up all the time. I guess going to treatment has really exposed my behavior and they want to help. My uncles all feel the need to give me pep talks, which I appreciate but at the same time I just want to be normal. Like someone in a wheelchair doesn't want to be babied and treated like a handicap even though they are disabled. They are still a human with all the same emotions as someone who can walk.

I don't know if there is really a true solution to my problems, it's nice to be able to talk about them to others who can relate. I know getting up in the morning and facing the day is the best thing I can do. If I allow myself to lay around I start to get down and really don't feel like leaving my room. One of my friends is going to try to hook me up with a job so hopefully I can get back to work and will be able to feel more independent having my own income.

Thanks again for sharing your stories.

 

[somnilicious]

.

I had thought that I was being filmed for a TV show and that someone was narrating my days, making jokes about my behavior and that sort of shit

.

It's funny that you mention that because one of my friends had delusions about being filmed for a show and had to have somebody babysit her. She was so bad that she was building sets and using props. Part of her delusion that has a thread of truth was that she had actually been on a Florida tattoo reality show for a period of time.

She was withdrawing from benzos.

 

[twang]

I have people I can open up to without fear of judgement it's just that those people with the exception of one person doesn't really have much to say other than "fuck that's crazy man, glad you're ok" or "stay strong, stay out of trouble" type of responses. I appreciate the response and know I would have given similar responses a few years ago, but still wish that there were more people I could relate to.

That's where I'm at with it. I don't blame them because they can't know about it if they haven't been through it. When people open up to me about issues in their childhood about their abusive stepdad or something along those lines, I don't have much to say except the cliche shit anyone else would say in that situation that hasn't been in their shoes before . I had a great childhood with loving parents, was never molested or abused or traumatized in any way. So I can't relate to them either. In that regard, this forum has been helpful because pretty much everyone on here knows and understands exactly what your going through and in some cases have been through worse shit themselves...I'm glad I got on here again. When I originally got back onto blue light it wasn't because of SL. I used to post on hipforums yeeeaars ago and made a thread there recently after being gone for awhile and wanted a serious answer to a serious question and got nothing but trolls and people that are dickheads for recreation. So I came here with it and stumbled upon the SL forum and being so early on in my recovery it worked out really well being able to converse with other people trying to better themselves. If you are getting up to face the day and make an effort to make yourself a better person than you were the day before you'll get a satisfaction out of that if you're seeing the results of the better person you've become compared to the previous day.
Are you exercising? And how's your diet?

 

[Mafioso]

I definitely have room to improve when it comes to diet and exercise. I've been slacking majorly as of late. Diet consists of eating whatever is available- usually nothing terrible, mostly home cooked meals but I'm lacking in the fruit and vegetable area and drinking a lot of soda. I've let myself get really lazy, the only exercise I get is at a part time job working for a machine shop.. nothing too strenuous. I'm thinking I should get a gym membership and start going on a regular basis...

Somn, that's pretty wild. I was watching a lot of family guy and similar animated TV shows, had a lot of delusions involving them as well. Benzos are one hell of a drug...

 

[Mafioso]

I know diet and exercise can be a big part of mental health, but I'm curious how everyone feels how diet and exercise relate to their recovery personally. What impacts or improvements do you see from eating healthy and exercising and what problems do you find you experience when you don't pay much attention to the subject?

I'm just curious what people experience on a personal level. I know they are important as my inpatient program put a lot of focus on those areas. It's been nice to let myself eat and drink whatever(assuming it doesn't contain drugs/alcohol) but I know it's time to get them back under control.

 

[twang]

It plays a big role mentally for me. Knowing I'm putting good things in my body raises my self esteem and makes me feel good about myself. I've been fucking up hardcore lately with sweets. Ice cream, cereal, pie...it doesn't help that I cook a lot of desserts. I've also been slacking on working out lately. I take more suboxone than I need so when it comes to sex it makes me last really long, so I've been considering sex my work out because it takes an hour and I'm more sweaty and tired at the end of it than if I had just done some sit-ups and push-ups, and although it is a hell of a workout that really works the core and throws in cardio too, I need to do more. The past few days I've been eating too much shit food and my stomach literally feels bigger this morning. When you start working out and eating right, it makes it super noticeable when you start fucking off for a couple days. But if I eat shitty and don't work out everyday, I don't really feel shitty I guess I just get used to it. Eating shitty the past few days and only working out once in the past 4 days has my stomach poking out and pants fitting tighter and therefore I feel shitty. So once you start to really eat right and get on a workout regimen you need to stick to it, at least that's how it works for me. Two nights ago I was fed up with how much shit I've been putting in my body recently so I went to this Italian restaurant and got a big bowl of broccoli for dinner and that was my entire dinner. Oh and soda pop? Throw it out dude. Shits fucking terrible. Seriously, don't just finish it and not buy anymore. Throw it away or give it away. Drink water and juice. Real 100% juice not from concentrate. I go to the health market and a 32oz glass bottle of 100% pomegranate juice is $6.99 and have a glass of that every day. Probably switch it up to blueberry next time. There's still lots of sugar in it, natural sugars though, so you can fulfill that sweet tooth that soda does. And if it's the carbonation you can't get away from, mix your juice half and half with carbonated water. I gotta go to school now but I'll add more to this later

 

[simco]

I know diet and exercise can be a big part of mental health, but I'm curious how everyone feels how diet and exercise relate to their recovery personally. What impacts or improvements do you see from eating healthy and exercising and what problems do you find you experience when you don't pay much attention to the subject?

I'm just curious what people experience on a personal level. I know they are important as my inpatient program put a lot of focus on those areas. It's been nice to let myself eat and drink whatever(assuming it doesn't contain drugs/alcohol) but I know it's time to get them back under control.

Keeping myself healthy has been a huge part of my recovery. Admittedly, I don't always do the greatest job of it, but I try. Basically, if I don't treat myself at least pretty well, my mood and general outlook tanks. From there, nothing good happens. For me, using was always tied up with feeling shitty about myself. And poor sleep, no exercise and bad/no food always made me feel shitty...hence a vicious cycle.

One thing I find important: I gotta remind myself often that I don't have to be a pillar of health and virtue. It's enough just to do pretty well.

 

[herbavore]

Diet is so huge when it comes to health of the brain. One thing you might consider doing (if you don't already know how) is taking a low cost cooking class through a community center, hospital outreach, adult ed or some other place that offers one. Cooking is a great hobby--endless free recipes and tutorials on the web--but it's a hobby that does your body and mind so much good. Learning how to prepare fresh food over processed food is a life skill you will never regret.

 

[twang]

Cooking is a great hobby--endless free recipes and tutorials on the web--but it's a hobby that does your body and mind so much good. Learning how to prepare fresh food over processed food is a life skill you will never regret.

Do you have a kitchen you can cook in mafioso? Eating healthy is expensive regardless but much more so if you have to go out somewhere to get your healthy food. Getting lean cuisines and pre-prepared frozen stuff, almost anything from a can, etc. should be avoided if possible. I also dont use a microwave if it can be avoided too. I love enjoying a good meal, it brings me great pleasure. Food tastes so much better when you heat it up in an oven or on the stove. I'd much rather wait an extra 30 minutes to eat so I can really enjoy it. You gotta get enjoyment out of the little things when you're not getting high and eating a bomb meal is one of the things I enjoy most.

 

[Ruthless101]

Okay so this is my first time on this site and was looking for people's opinions. So SWIM has been using dope give or take for about a year. He uses maybe 1/8th To a 1/4th of a gram a day. SWIM has only ever snorted it and not through IV , but anyway about 5 days ago SWIM decided enough was enough and wanted to quit. He went day 1 with nothing to help, day 2 he took 2.5mg of suboxone and day 3 took 1.5mg of suboxone. SWIM is now on day 6 and hasn't really felt any physical wd's just post wd such as no energy and hard to sleep. SWIM was wondering how long it will take to start feeling energy again and how long until he will be able to sleep normal.

 

[simco]

Hey ruthless, welcome to BL. By the way, we don't use names like SWIM here (the BL User Agreement is definitely worth a read).

As for your question, it hard to answywith an accuracy, as each person, and each kick is unique. I encourage you to check out a few of the recovery journals in this forum to get a concrete idea of the range.

With that said, you're habit isn't ginormous (not saying it's not a big deal...it's just not a high amount of weight) and you definitely did yourself a favor by not IVIng. Often energy and sleep are some of the slowest things to return after quitting. But coming off a relatively small habit, I suspect you'll feel some relief consistently over the next few weeks. It may take some time to get back to baseline. But I suspect you'll start feeling somewhat better within a week or two. Again, though, it's very hard to say in the abstract.

Do you have plans for how you'll stay off?

And btw, huge congrats for quitting!

 

[Ruthless101]

Thank you and I want to find meeting near me because as of now I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I have 2 jobs which will keep me pretty busy so I'm hoping that'll help but besides that I cut off all my contacts to any drugs. I'm just trying to do what I can to stay positive I just know it's the sleep that kills me and I'm still very early in recovery that I know I just want that back. I can work through the no energy but to have no energy and then not being able to sleep is what kills me.

 

[simco]

Yeah, insomnia sucks. Do you have access to either benzodiazepines like diazepam or clonazepam, or another sleep aid (I've found trazodone to be very helpful). You need to be careful with benzodiazepines (they have addictive potential of their own). But they can help a great deal.

As for meetings, people's experience with AA/NA really varies. Personally, NA was helpful for me early on.

Have you considered journaling? Maybe you could create a recovery journal here on BL.

 

[Mafioso]

I'm living with my mom at the moment until I can get back on my own feet. There is usually left overs and it's mostly good food in general, lots of rice and meat, stews and spaghetti. It could be healthier but I'm not going to complain. Really I have been drinking a lot of soda and eating cookies and ice cream late night when I have trouble sleeping. I eat decent food but I just need to cut some things out and replace them with fruit or vegetables.

Thanks for the responses, I guess I have something I can focus on this coming week.


Ruthless, that restlessness will start to fade the further you get into recovery. Benzos will probably help with the initial symptoms of WD but like others said don't make a habit out of them. They carry with them some very nasty withdraws. The severe symptoms of withdraw can last up to 2 months but usually do not last longer than 2-3 weeks, usually around a month at the most. Read up on post-acute withdrawal as you will begin to experience them after you make it through the acute/initial withdrawals. Your brain and body will take time to readjust to normal.