2 friends...some tears...and some bitterness...

[yoUr bLiSS]

maybe it's the lack of sleep
or the lingering substances
but the fact that my 2 best friends
not only screwed me over
but screwed me over
for the 2 ex-friends
who lied, stole, then stabbed me in the back
really cuts me deep tonight
really deep
i did not cry for them
when they did what they did to me
which was a hell of a lot worse than this
yet here i am
crying over the last two people on earth
i ever thought would hurt me
just for the record
it is not because it is them
the real issue here is YOU TWO
i am above pettiness
and to expect you
to cut ties with mutual friends
simply because
they lived with me
lied to me
and stole from me
all underneath the clever guise
of a so-called friendship
would be a ludicrous request
and immature to even consider
no the issue here is YOU TWO
we had plans this evening
"after the beach" you said
failing to mention they would be there
yet they are not the issue
for lack of better words
did you not have the fucking balls
to tell them you already had plans
for the evening???
"but they just came back to our place"
YEAH...AND...YOUR POINT???
are they really that intimidating
or that much fucking cooler then i am
that you can't politely inform them
of your prior arrangements????
guess not...
i just don't get it
i know you two did not intend to hurt me
your my best fucking friends
i introduced all of you
yet they were
or at least she was
also supposed to be a best friend
and look where she left me
after 13 years of friendship
how long have you known them?
little over a year?
oh well...
i guess a relaxed saturday night
at TGI fridays with the girls
and possibly a video
could never compete
with someone as
beautiful
talented
radiant
and so utterly fake as her
and him?
there is not enough negative adjectives
in the english language
to even scratch the surface
of the type of person he is
oh yeah
and how could i forget
the ever present plate of ketamine
i would bet my life a fresh vial
is cooking as i type
whatever
i do not hate you two
it just hurts
i never would have expected this
at the risk of sounding corny
friends are not supposed to make friends cry
please remember that from now on.....
[ 21 July 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

silly girl
silly stupidgirl
you wouldn't have
you couldn't have
you didn't really
honestly believe
even for 1 split atomic second
that it could even
possibly maybe
almost certainly
be my 2 girls
knocking softly on my front door
please let it be them...it has to be them...who else could it be?...i knew it! i love my girls!
i run eagerly to the front door
tripping clumsily on the cat
in a careless frenzy of anticipation
i throw the door open
expecting to see
not a doubt in my mind
lou with her sleek black bob
and carrie's platinum spunky mess
yet all i see
is chuck
chuck "fucking" smith
from down below
if it's not the music
it's the dishwasher
or the television
or loud voices on the porch
what in god's name is his problem this time?
no i am not happy to see him right now
in a matter of moments
skyscraper hopes were constructed in my mind
hoping that the sheer wrongness of their actions
had finally sunk into their skulls
and after a shitty day like today
after all the drama created by the psycho boy
when i really needed to be with my girls
you think they would at least try
to have their priorities straight
and done as any friend would have done
in this obviously fucked up situation
by coming out to see me
as we had originally planned
yet i was wrong
dashed hopes
hurt me all over again
of course i had just
recently gotten over it
by releasing it
through my fingertips
the evidence lies
within the topic post
as i said before
silly girl
silly stupid girl
hoping with all her heart
believing
for a fleeting yet glorious moment
that the asshole downstairs
could possibly maybe
almost certainly
be her friends
here to make
a wrong situation
right again
WAIT! we must not forget what they will be doing to keep them warm and entertained tonight
they've got beautiful
soulless
substanceless
cardboard cutouts
posing as "people"
posing as "friends"
and of course the
precious yet abused far too often
drug of choice for this cool crowd
keta-FUCKING-min
STOP: pause..breathe..relax...release..proceed..
in a few words
a few moments
and a simple pause
the hurt and anger
slowly fade
as indifference
begins to settles in
i guess this run-on saga must end someday
though i could carry on till the end of time
here goes my attempt to wrap this up
indifference in full effect
who needs them?
all i need is myself
my cat
my computer
and my mind
to keep me occupied
on a saturday night
this sleepy head is beginning to droop
looking forward to some much needed sleep
tonight i shall take to sleep with me
some comfort in the knowledge
that while they snort endless lines
blast off to alternate realities
and perform such incredible feats
such as transversing time and space
without actually going anywhere of course
i will be dreaming
and while they communicate in
endless circles of confusion
nonsense jibber-jabber
the native language of the confused brain
i will be safe and sound
in my own bed
with my very loyal friend
thankful to sleep in sunday morning
thankful my weekends do not revolve
around this "sacred substance"
your local veternarian keeps locked up
it seems strange to me
that what you all hold in such high regard
the "intellectual drug"
stripped of all the fancy names
is simply
CAT TRANQUILIZER!
[ 21 July 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]

 

[bluegirl]

grrrrrr, the server just ate my original post. anwayz, what i had tried to say was:
oh hun, **hugz**
there is so much pain in these posts, i hope at least by writing them you were able to get some of it out. i too know the pain of losing friends, and the confusion that surrounds it. i lost a very special group of people at the start of last year - i was very depressed for about 5 months, and what got to me the most was that i was unable to comprehend why people who i loved so dearly would want to hurt me, which they did very much. like you said, "friends are not supposed to make friends cry". i have moved on now from this mess but i still carry with me a fair amount of distrust because of these people.
anywayz, i'm not sure what to say to make you feel better except for thankyou for sharing and we are listening........
bk

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

and so the saga continues...
i just can't keep them inside
and they flow much easier
from keyboard to screen
then pen to paper
just got the scoop
on last nights escapades
everything i assumed
of course was true
but all that madness
and ketaMANIA i predicted
took place after the party
hmmm...the party huh? what party?
the "house" party
and the blue pills
not that i condone any of that
i'm quite an offender myself
it just makes me think
maybe you knew all along
i call you my "house girls"
for a reason
yet because of our little
"mutual" friend problem
you know those 2 people you still call friends who continue to stab me in the back day after day as if the first initial wound was not enought to cause permanent damage...those people
you did not want me there
funny thing is
had you told me
about the party from the start
this could have all been avoided
you knew the state i was in
physically and emotionally drained
the last thing i wanted
was to go out and party
yet because you are my "house girls"
i would have understood
and only been slightly hurt
yet you had to come up
with this ridiculous schpeel
about being put in a so-called
"awkward situation"
and how you
"can't just ask them to leave"
oh yeah i must have forgotten that my two brilliant friends who each make about three times my salary and live in an amzing place in santa monica have everything yet seem to be lacking the ability to think for themselves and make their own decisions
i woke up this sunday morning
err..sunday afternoon
feeling healthy and well rested
the thought of all this
brought on a slight pang
but nothing like what i felt last night
yet now
here i am again
all rustled and riled up
over this new little tidbit of info
the worst part is
tonight i will be forced
to see and interact
with those "mutual" friends
unfortuantly before
the knife was ever stabbed
we all got involved
and commited to something
so tonight
for the sake of others
not involved
we will pretend we are still friends
mundane surface chatter
and plastic smiles
yet i know they will be
extra smug this sunday
for they slowly seem
to suck things away from me
i think it gives them
some perverse pleasure
a sense of power
well smile smugly kids
because this one hurt me bad
in the movies
the good guy always comes out on top
but this is reality
and you two seem to always win
congratulations
the only thing that comforts me
when thinking of you two
is my belief in karma

 

[MiNiMoWs]

oh yeah i must have forgotten that my two brilliant friends who each make about three times my salary and live in an amzing place in santa monica have everything yet seem to be lacking the ability to think for themselves and make their own decisions
hahaha!
i love the way you throw random thought into your writing. when i read your stuff, it's like you're pulling me down, deep, deeper, i'm drowing there in it, and then you make me TOTALLY crack up. and you swirl it all together, effortlessly.
this thread is platinum.
xoxox.b
(keep going)
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[ 26 July 2002: Message edited by: MiNiMoWs ]

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

awww...ms.mini! thank you! i'll try and continue later...must go to hell...errr work..now. the anger has left, but the bitterness remains.....