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17 days off methadone and feeling like dying would be beter :(

traybuck

traybuck

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2010
Messages
349
Location
San Clemente, Ca
So I'm a 27 year old male from mn. I've been taking opiates for around 10 years now but only daily the last 3-4 years.. ( a lil more info about me) I've got a good job 2 daugters 7-12 and a wonderful girlfriend who I have these kids with ( we just never wanted to marry) anyways at first my mindset was that I could do this. I could get clean. So my gf basiclly took care of me for the last 17 days. She did everything for me. Made sure I ate bread and drank fluids and gave me my xanex to help me thro. Well I've been vary depressed this whole time I mean deeplly.. I feel like I'm a shity father. I don't feel like a man at all.. I feel like I'm letting my gf down when she's done everything for me ( and I already feel guilty about ) I feel like I can't do this. I've always been vary missrable without opiates. I've never been the kind of person to feel like suicide is a way.. But latly I feel like thay would be better off without me. :( I hate feeling this way.. My gf says I should not feel this way but I do. I'm just lost inside. I feel like I'm already dying inside.. Sorry if I sound like I'm just crying but I don't have anyone else to talk to about feeling this way that wouldn't just tell me it's just stupid..
 
First off - i did cry alot , it was @ 220mg methadone and they started to taper me i said fuck off like ymy stubborn self "how hard could it be ive kicked ever opiate under the sun" - well I ended up 3 weeks in new hampshire , out in the middle of nowhere cuz i just couldnt being trapped. I needed nature , fresh air. When you are like us and you kick food tastes different the smells are different and emotioanlly its overwhelming sometimes.

Do not feel ashamed buddy, i've got a warm heart but Im a fighter by nature and I cried my eyes out wanting to saw my legs off. I didnt think it would ever end. I was no good t o anyone in my eyes - i tried but when you go 4 days with zero sleepp and end up hooked on xanax and ambien AFTER you kick methadone ,,, man it felt like it would never end. It did. I also relapsed since then and have been in therapy pullin my life back together. I would never be here if i didnt open up, Stay open pp want to help, i want to help I've been in those shoes bud. Hang strong brother.
 
Hey traybuck- hang in there. Stay clean and you can make up for how you feel about the past. You will not regret it, nor wish to change it. Instead, you will be thankful that you have been able to learn from past mistakes and move forward. Many addicts are able to find recovery in 12 step fellowships, such as AA, NA, CA, CMA, HA, MA, ect.. I've found in recovery a solution to all of my personal problems, and a way to forgive myself for the harm I have done to others in the past. It's a very good sign that you feel remorse at this point- it shows you are a compassionate caring person. Keep it up, and remember, a lot of the time it has to get worse before it gets better. Time to do the work it takes to recover so that you can feel better and be free. Take care and feel free to PM me.
 
Hey man all I can say is, remember where you came from. You've been 17 days clean from Methadone?...wow. I'm on day 5 and I want take any opiate just to ease the pain. The withdrawal symptoms are kicking my ass :/ Just remember how much worse it was in the beginning of your new beginning. I don't know you, but I am proud of you. This for me has been the hardest physical and emotional trial I have ever been put through. If you can get through this, you can get through anything. Hang in there man, the worst is almost over. Keep ya head up :)

In addition: I have to agree with theartofwar. I also like to think I am the type of guy that can do anything I put my mind to, but I balled my eyes out these past few nights, not only because of the physical trauma but the emotional stress as well. I like to think I'm not only doing this for myself, but also for those who mean the world to me. They have been supportive and the least I can do is be grateful for their support and just man up 'til the day I feel "better". If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children and the woman you love.
 
I have been there post methadone and I want you to know.. that dark cold place you are in, the pain, the severe depression, the psychosis from lack of sleep.. it seems like it never ends. 6 weeks in I couldn't take it anymore. I had hit my limit, physically and psychologically and got on suboxone.

If your PAWS last longer than you can bare, subs are a good option. You have kids to take care of and I am sure you are using them as motivation.. don't give up. Thousands have been where you are before and thousands will again in the future. Be strong and you never have to feel this way again.
 
traybuck said:
So I'm a 27 year old male from mn. I've been taking opiates for around 10 years now but only daily the last 3-4 years.. ( a lil more info about me) I've got a good job 2 daugters 7-12 and a wonderful girlfriend who I have these kids with ( we just never wanted to marry) anyways at first my mindset was that I could do this. I could get clean. So my gf basiclly took care of me for the last 17 days. She did everything for me. Made sure I ate bread and drank fluids and gave me my xanex to help me thro. Well I've been vary depressed this whole time I mean deeplly.. I feel like I'm a shity father. I don't feel like a man at all.. I feel like I'm letting my gf down when she's done everything for me ( and I already feel guilty about ) I feel like I can't do this. I've always been vary missrable without opiates. I've never been the kind of person to feel like suicide is a way.. But latly I feel like thay would be better off without me. :( I hate feeling this way.. My gf says I should not feel this way but I do. I'm just lost inside. I feel like I'm already dying inside.. Sorry if I sound like I'm just crying but I don't have anyone else to talk to about feeling this way that wouldn't just tell me it's just stupid..
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I SO know how you are feeling. I havent taken methadone since New Years so I guess that makes it 12 days?! I dont even have the energy to get up off the couch and bath!! I dont have access to zannys but ive been taking tylenol pm to help with sleep. I am a female 35yrs old and have 2 kids of my own. I also have a boyfriend that is my youngests father which i have not married. We have been together almost 11yrs and he's about to leave me cuz he's fed up! I guess he doesnt understand and thats why I have relapsed so many x's ... he's sickened i guess cuz I dont even work anymore (which i dont know how ANY of you do it while in withdrawal) and I cant clean or help take care of the kids. I always try and tell him .. "please, I will get thru this if you just help me and stick in there" I nor did he realize that it would take sooo long!! I also have been depressed deeply. My looks...lol. I look horribly worse than i EVER have!! I look way worse than when i was on the pills or methadone. I pretty much have the same story that you do about the length of addiction and what not. I quit cold turkey on the methadone and thats the only way to do it... these others that taper themselves down are just prollonging their agony.. Im in contact with a very good doctor that has gone thru this himself. He is 25yrs clean and is the very same dr that does the rapid detox. He tells you how you need to get the vitamins back into your system and it just takes time. Trust me... if i hadnt found him, I surely would have given up all hope by now...so hang in there traybuck! I know theres got to be light at the end of this tunnel!! Are you still clean?? How are you feeling these days..?? I just looked at when you posted and you prolly are feeling much better than when you last posted. You sound like you have a very caring girlfriend. Your lucky. Did you ever attend the na meetings? I called yesterday to start them. I just have to find the energy to get up and go. ugggh. well, I hope I hear from you and god love ya!
 
It's kinda funny that I'm in a similar situation, only easier (fewer responsibilities, and just going from 'done to suboxone), and I can easily see in your situation that those are just temporary feelings and your situation is a transient one. But every time I contemplate a few days of sickness with my parents taking care of me (I'm in my 30s, so I feel pretty stupid about that by now), I feel like a permanent drag on them. I always forget that, soon enough, I can be doing the things I want to and need to in life.

No doubt while in withdrawal you can't live up to the full father and boyfriend-husband roles. But you'll be able to when you start getting better -- at most within a few weeks, don't you think? Good for you for working through it and trying to improve things for yourself, which is good for your family in the long run, even though you have to feel like shit first. Being/having been opioid dependent definitely doesn't disqualify you from those things!

P.s. anybody who makes it to day 17 is a champ.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
This is to be expected. Full agonist opiates, especially methadone, repress your endogenous testosterone levels. Now that you have quit, your body is readjusting.

Things will get better for you; just try to stay positive. :)
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I know it's just vary hard to keep posative when you feel this way :(
socio said:
It's kinda funny that I'm in a similar situation, only easier (fewer responsibilities, and just going from 'done to suboxone), and I can easily see in your situation that those are just temporary feelings and your situation is a transient one. But every time I contemplate a few days of sickness with my parents taking care of me (I'm in my 30s, so I feel pretty stupid about that by now), I feel like a permanent drag on them. I always forget that, soon enough, I can be doing the things I want to and need to in life.

No doubt while in withdrawal you can't live up to the full father and boyfriend-husband roles. But you'll be able to when you start getting better -- at most within a few weeks, don't you think? Good for you for working through it and trying to improve things for yourself, which is good for your family in the long run, even though you have to feel like shit first. Being/having been opioid dependent definitely doesn't disqualify you from those things!

P.s. anybody who makes it to day 17 is a champ.
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Sorry to hear that your in a simaler spot.. I don't wish this feeling on anybody.. Looks like I'm not the only one that feels like this! But it's like even when I'm clean for months I fuckin can't stand bein sober? Always end up runnin back sooner or later :/
 
ecaep said:
I SO know how you are feeling. I havent taken methadone since New Years so I guess that makes it 12 days?! I dont even have the energy to get up off the couch and bath!! I dont have access to zannys but ive been taking tylenol pm to help with sleep. I am a female 35yrs old and have 2 kids of my own. I also have a boyfriend that is my youngests father which i have not married. We have been together almost 11yrs and he's about to leave me cuz he's fed up! I guess he doesnt understand and thats why I have relapsed so many x's ... he's sickened i guess cuz I dont even work anymore (which i dont know how ANY of you do it while in withdrawal) and I cant clean or help take care of the kids. I always try and tell him .. "please, I will get thru this if you just help me and stick in there" I nor did he realize that it would take sooo long!! I also have been depressed deeply. My looks...lol. I look horribly worse than i EVER have!! I look way worse than when i was on the pills or methadone. I pretty much have the same story that you do about the length of addiction and what not. I quit cold turkey on the methadone and thats the only way to do it... these others that taper themselves down are just prollonging their agony.. Im in contact with a very good doctor that has gone thru this himself. He is 25yrs clean and is the very same dr that does the rapid detox. He tells you how you need to get the vitamins back into your system and it just takes time. Trust me... if i hadnt found him, I surely would have given up all hope by now...so hang in there traybuck! I know theres got to be light at the end of this tunnel!! Are you still clean?? How are you feeling these days..?? I just looked at when you posted and you prolly are feeling much better than when you last posted. You sound like you have a very caring girlfriend. Your lucky. Did you ever attend the na meetings? I called yesterday to start them. I just have to find the energy to get up and go. ugggh. well, I hope I hear from you and god love ya!
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vary simaler story.. And about the bein able to work.. I just think of my kids and fight thro the pain.. But the work part has drove me back to methadone more than anything else so I know just what you mean..thanks for tellin me your feelings. It really helps just hearin that I'm not the only one that has ben down this road. An yea I do have the best gf of all time.. I've used maybe 64mgs of suboxin since I started 20 days ago. Mostlly in the beginning cuz it took so much just to get comfertable..
 
You have 2 wonderful daughters, if those 2 girls are not a reason for you to get threw this, I dont know what would be. They are at the age where you are impressionable to them. Get threw this & be the father they can look up to & love.
 
At the end of the day you have to want to quit for yourself. While wanting to because of the burden it poses to your family is a somewhat noble notion, doing it for yourself is what your first priority should be. It sounds selfish but we are selfish by nature. Its a survival mechanism. On a side note though I know what your going thru and I just want to tell you to hang in there and it will only get better. I know it is hard but don't throw away all that agony you have already banked. Hang in there and the best of luck to you.
 
At the end of the day you have to want to quit for yourself. While wanting to because of the burden it poses to your family is a somewhat noble notion, doing it for yourself is what your first priority should be. It sounds selfish but we are selfish by nature. Its a survival mechanism. On a side note though I know what your going thru and I just want to tell you to hang in there and it will only get better. I know it is hard but don't throw away all that agony you have already banked. Hang in there and the best of luck to you.
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In my experience, this is not necessarily true. When I started my program of recovery, I didn't care whether I lived or died. I saw the impact my life was having on others and I made the decision to get clean to help others and set a good example for my younger friends. One of the reasons why addiction is so horrible is that we are frequently able to see the damage we cause to others, and we genuinely care about them, yet we feel like we can do nothing to stop hurting others. This is the "spiritual malady" that is so frequently talked about in AA/NA/12 step programs, and the reason why a spiritual (thinking of others) life is strongly suggested. Addiction is a selfish disease, yet it pains us significantly to see the harm we do to others. This is why we help others and stop focusing on ourselves. If we take care of others, they will take care of us when we need it.

Once I completed my fifth step and started helping others, my self-pity started to fade. I finally felt important, like I was adding something to society rather than taking from it. When I saw how I was able to help others in my recovery, staying clean finally became important. My point is, it doesn't matter why you want to get clean, just do the work and everything will fall into place. Just my two cents. Hang in there, do the work, life will become better than you can possibly imagine.
 
I hope you hung in there and stuck with it. Methadone has an anti depressant in it, which you are kicking as well when you come off it. I didn't even know about this until the pharmacist told me about it. I believe it's normal to contemplate suicide when coming off the done... as well as it's normal to feel like removing limbs from your body from the pain. It sounds crazy but I indeed felt the same way. I am 49 days off methadone. This was not my first kick but I swear it was the worst. Possibly because I've never kicked in winter and it's below 0 where I live and I couldn't go outside the whole time. It took about 40 days before I felt normal enough to go back to my extremely physical job and now I'm only doing that part time. This is 40 days after a fast 2 week taper. Clonodine helped... having a wonderful husband helped, the bath tub helped, these forums helped and this last week I've started an exercise class that has really done wonders and gotten the icky bone jumping feeling out and ants crawling all over skin feeling away. I still sneeze a lot but I can use the restroom normally now and I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. The pain/ickyness comes in random waves now, but not often and the more I stay hydrated and eat regularly and the more I exercise the easier it is. My point is to anyone that reads this is that it does get better and it is possible, just be patient, as I was and am and hopefully will be. Methadone is no longer an option in my life. It helped me stabalize my life and for that I'm grateful but depending on how long PAWS last and how functional I will be a year from now, will determine if it really was a good thing or not. You have to have determination of iron to get threw Methadone withdrawal, no matter what the dossage, if you have been on it for a long time. Good luck to all.
 
its just the w/d talking when you think negative things about yourself

the way your gf sees it is not that you are letting her down but just the opposite...I can guarantee it

17 days is a lot

one day you will get up and you will feel fine...that day will come when you realize that all this work was worth it

hang in there and remember that what you are doing is something that your close ones are proud of

if you can try to do some super light exercise or going for a light walk...take vitamins and eat nutritious foods like fish, nuts, eggs, veggies, meat
 
blueciel8 said:
I hope you hung in there and stuck with it. Methadone has an anti depressant in it, which you are kicking as well when you come off it. I didn't even know about this until the pharmacist told me about it. ll.
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An antidepressant in it? Methadone is methadone, so I'm not sure what you mean (or your pharmacist meant)... but certainly methadone *itself* can act as a pretty strong anti-depressant, all mu agonist opioids can. Methadone also acts as an NMDA receptor antagonist which might boost its qualities as an antidepressant, similar to how buprenorphine's action as kappa antagonist is theorized to confer an additional antidepressant effect, but that's just a guess on my part.

Anyway, to the OP... it sounds like you have plenty to live for. You've just got to hang in there. Things will get better.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
This is to be expected. Full agonist opiates, especially methadone, repress your endogenous testosterone levels. Now that you have quit, your body is readjusting.

Things will get better for you; just try to stay positive. :)
Click to expand...

I just saw results of 30-35 year old males on MMT and their free testosterone levels were fucking nill.

I'd strongly recommend a full bloodwork - your insurance should cover min one a year. See where your levels are , trust me hormones make a HUGE difference , do not belittle them.
 
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