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16 days without a drink

R

Rubinator

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 11, 2013
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28
So, I used to get on here and read about drugs... now I'm back in this section with 16 days without a drink. I'm basically white knuckling this tho, since I don't want to go to meetings... I was in rehab/the program 20 years ago and started drinking again. Mostly controlled it for 15 years or so and then got to the point of drinking straight whiskey from the time I got up to the time I went to bed - ugh! Husband and I committed to sober january with some friends and while he did perfectly, it took me 19 days and 2 blackouts (1 involved driving!) to get it to stick and that alone is miraculous, because I have not gone even one day without a drink (couple of drinks) in 20 years!

I'm also flirting with disaster with having met a guy on a BDSM site and we have chatted basically every day for a few months. I've told him I don't want to have an affair but we are both weakening a bit and have already met a few times - but we have not met in several weeks and I canceled our last plans to. He fills a couple of voids I have even tho I know it's not right. This started while I was drinking and I thought it might lessen when I started thinking more clearly but it hasn't....

I quit smoking 2 months ago and even got off of the nicorette lozenges (while still drinking!!!) -that was another long time struggle....

I am not liking being stuck in my head and having to deal with 'all of me' that is now present - it is very uncomfortable. I'm bored and overwhelmed at the same time now that I am not self-medicating and general anxiety is starting to kick in the last few days... I'm feeling stressed but with no direction. I have signed up for counseling but that isn't for 2 weeks.... and husband just started drinking again after sober January - he did say if I don't start drinking again after the 'month' that he would consider not drinking with me.... but I hid this very well and he doesn't understand the scope and seriousness for me.... I really need to NOT drink anymore... I have known what I was for many years and have been trying to stave off the inevitable.... forever is a long time, dammit!

If I need to be a dopehead to be here, I was a meth junkie 2 years ago and got kicked out of college for meth - I'm just lucky I was never exposed to heroin!! I'm too scared to ever try meth again. I need a vice, so I'm still smoking pot but at a fraction of what I used to and mainly just at bedtime so I can sleep. And I've taken all of the opiates in the house (amazingly I managed to save 2 for a real pain issue).
 
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I have some benzos -I know it sounds counter intuitive but would a half (as needed) help with the anxiety?

@ Redleader - I do not want to leave my husband. We are happy in most other regards except that I am lonely and he is an engineer, if that says anything. And he will never be into the kink that (I think) I want to explore... no kids... no friends. And we work together at our home office so I am with him 99% of the time......and we are saturated. I've been trying to revive my interest in sex and that is what led to the BDSM site...and this new friend.
 
Ya, it's tough when you're not completely sexually compatible with a partner. I've been down this road several times. I have bizarre kinks too and even within a few great relationships with great women, it just wasn't a possibility. Does your husband know about the kink and just won't do it? Or are you afraid to bring it up with him? But ya, especially if it's something you've never done before, it's going to eat away at you more and more as the thirst isn't satisfied. There's no easy solution to this, and I really don't think you should actually cheat if you don't want to hurt your husband. I hate to suggest it, but you may have to manipulate him a bit into doing it with you.

And yes, the benzo would help with anxiety. That is what they are prescribed for. If you have an addictive personality, however, your chances of taking them as prescribed will diminish over time. They are every bit as addictive as alcohol. Try and exhaust things like music, exercise and healthy eating first. And remember that humans are made with anxiety for a reason. Everybody gets anxious. It's extremely hard to come to understand it as part of human nature, but you just have to try and see what is making you anxious and why. Progressing toward solutions to those particular problems will help you too.
 
I think benzos would help when you're just coming off alcohol. But you need to be careful not to trade one addiction for another, take the smallest amount you can to take the shakes off. I think also you seem bored in your relationship with your husband. Is there something new you can find to do together so as to avoid seeing this other man?
 
Damn, I am so suggestible... read about the kpins this morning so I just took a half.... :/ (I only have 14 of them)

quote 'I think also you seem bored in your relationship with your husband. Is there something new you can find to do together so as to avoid seeing this other man? ' That's the thing... I have just discovered my female body (sadly at age 41) and sex/masturbating has been the new interest in my life... but the more I see the more I want to try - I'm a good masochist.... and now what we've done for 19 years seems boring. He is open to trying some new things but has no idea what he is doing and that is not exciting to me.... plus he is 33 years my senior and the age differences are finally starting to show a bit.... :-( I am committed to him and will not leave unless he leaves me... I hope counseling will help but man, I have to wait 2 weeks and the first meeting is just a stupid eval.
 
Do you think on some level your husband already knows but maybe hasn't said anything? Since he's home all the time, what do you say when you go out to meet that guy? Sorry to ask all these nosey questions. My mom was married to a much older man but she found him later in life, they just didn't have sex. You're still pretty young and vibrant so getting sober many times tends to "wake up" your libido so to speak.
 
Now I wish I hadn't taken that.............. :-(

T. Calderone said:
Do you think on some level your husband already knows but maybe hasn't said anything? Since he's home all the time, what do you say when you go out to meet that guy? Sorry to ask all these nosey questions. My mom was married to a much older man but she found him later in life, they just didn't have sex. You're still pretty young and vibrant so getting sober many times tends to "wake up" your libido so to speak.
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He has no clue whatsoever... but he has a high IQ so would pick up on any clues I let slip. I have just gone on nature or 3 hikes (and a trip to the toy store :/ )
Yes - I figure I can feel my parts now...LOL He, tho, is starting to have some endurance issues of his own..... <cry>
 
Is your husband a moderate drinker? I mean, he shouldn't have to hide it but this could be a problem and mess with your sobriety. 16 days is awesome and I would hate to see you slip back. Don't beat yourself up for taking half a klonopin because it's keeping you off liquor. Quitting cigarettes also excellent, I'm struggling with that one too at the moment.

You're making some very positive changes and that's something to be proud of! The sex thing, I wish I had some good answers for this. Like RedLeader suggested, it would be great if your husband was on board with experimentation. For now, try to do everything you can to concentrate on your sobriety. Perhaps revisit this sex issue once you get to talk with the counselor.
 
I'd say he's a moderate drinker (1+ bottles of wine/night) - nervous that he has started drinking again after the jan break - I hear every time he goes to the fridge for a refill! I almost picked up his glass for a sip absentmindedly yesterday.... and I don't like the smell on his breath.... ugh.

And I have been watching porn every day -- I think it's too soon to say that is not healthy (it's too new of an interest) but I know about transferring addictions and want to keep an eye on it.

(correction above from 1st post - my meth prob was 20 years ago - not 2 years ago)
 
Boy, I am an addict... that kpin just made me want more of 'something' .... ugh!! I've usually got good resolve for 2-3 weeks when quitting smoking and then at that 3 week mark, I get daring and think I can have 'just one' ... afraid of that with the drinking but I am actually scared to drink and hope it stays that way!
 
I have a hard time just stopping at one or two drinks. If it's there, I'll finish it up so I don't know if you're the same way. It would be ideal if your hubby didn't have any drinks so you won't be tempted at all. I can see this really testing your resolve.
 
he did say if I don't start drinking again after the 'month' that he would consider not drinking with me.... but I hid this very well and he doesn't understand the scope and seriousness for me....
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If he can't handle not drinking around you right now, then he has his own problem he needs to address. If he can handle it but refuses, then he's just being an asshole.

ebola
 
ebola? said:
If he can't handle not drinking around you right now, then he has his own problem he needs to address. If he can handle it but refuses, then he's just being an asshole.

ebola
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Good logic and good point. This has been my own private demon and I have not discussed much with him at all beyond the obvious all-day hangovers and increasing blackouts... I don't want to tell him about everything that I was doing and the mistakes I was making at work and the fact that I was intoxicated pretty much entirely for several years (doubt I even sobered up completely during nighttime sleeping)... I was shocked when he asked 'why?' when I said I might not start up again in a month... and I lied in my response and just said I wanted to take a break... dunno why I don't want to be honest with my husband... I am sneaky tho...and always have been... :-( So, I have not asked that of him yet - to not drink around me while I'm still so vulnerable about it... he doesn't even realize (short of 2 episodes) that I wasn't keeping up with him for sober January.

We're going to a race this Thurs/Fri (big beer environment) and I am really nervous about that. None is sold, so if we don't take any, that only leaves friends..... I was good and tipsy at this race last year (and every other day for that matter)....

Doctor recently said I have enlarged red blood cells and that it is due to drinking..... :-(
 
Yes - he has been my best coach. No, he is actually sickeningly pure (I like 'em a little rough around the edges) and I would never date him outside of 'playing'.... but he would be a lot of fun to play with.
 
Saw the therapist yesterday - who immediately honed in on thinking I have ADHD. She wants me to come back next week (good!) but also wants me to do AA and I don't want to do that this time... I don't want to go to meetings or work the steps -- want to find a different way. I admitted my meth history and now I fear doc won't prescribe stimulants for the ADHD --but-- since I just found my libido for the first time in my life, I seriously don't want to risk losing it again to the other possible course of treatment with antidepressants.... I think I got out all of the things that have been bugging me, inc the BDSM and this friend, to the therapist - and of course she was taking notes, so I'm sure we will have a lot to talk about.
 
@ RL - I just read an article on the BDSM site about that the other day 'Learning to fvck at 34' was the title - and the person had left their partner and jumped in.... but I love most everything about my husband and our relationship except his neglect and monofocus on his own smart brain and lack of skills/desire to tie me up and flog me LOL.... and I'm not going to leave him at his age now (74, I'm 41)... when we met the age diff was a non issue but it is creeping in a bit now... I love him and don't want to leave him - I just want things to be different and I don't think they can be....
 
It sounds like you're no longer believing in monogamy, while he still does. And you may still love him, but is he really still able to love *you* if this newfound belief against monogamy is part of you? Maybe find another female for him to be with? See if you can force that on him, so your act isn't so much of an imbalance if you do hook up with the other guy?
 
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