Mayonnaise5
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2017
- Messages
- 8
13 years clean and sober after 15 years of shit ,Jail ,prison , rehab after rehab then it clicked and I ran with it. Still just as fast as if I was tweaking balls. Success after success without even really trying. Newly married to my true soulmate. Just Watching her look back as she walks away takes my breath away and makes it hard to even stare. But.... Now I'm a junkie again. It happened so fast I really can't remember how or where it started. I need help but can't risk losing my career. I guess that's why I'm here but I'm not sure.
Does being strung out again take away my recent success? It's hard for me to decide. On one hand I went 13 years; on the other hand I blew it! Swimming through the shame and guilt after that first shot was so painful i needed another shot. Then another and another etc...I'm sitting up in bed right now and my sweet wife started stirring and seeing her face relaxed and seemingly happy makes me cry; because I know she knows I'm a piece of shit AGAIN! Regardless of sayings and 12 step rhetoric I know and you know that relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery. I am not powerless against this beast. She rolled over again and put her hand on my leg... I feel her reaching; reaching for the other me that disaapeared after that first shot. Damn I miss me too.
So where do I go what do I do. Which me is going to show up? The fighter me? He scratches and crawls and bites and isnt willing to give in even an inch.i say that knowing that that version of me doesn't exist right now. This version is selfish and greedy and deaf to all normal pleasures except those that scream like sex and dope. This version of me loves that beautiful woman lying by my side and she was sent here to save me cause this me doesn't want to wake up. This me wishes for death but is too cowardly for one but would miss her too much. As if I wasn't fucked up enough I also have a voice in my left ear. I Used to have episodes that lasted a day or 2 this one is now 2 years old. I call her B and she hates me. Now I know your wondering about my lossof reality? It's only happened twice. I burned money because I thought B needed it to survive, well at least that's what she told me; "that's my money and I need it to survive" over and over until I realized she was telling me she would die without the cash so I burned it.. 65k the first time and 35 the last.
Would have been helpful right now too. See I own rehabs and I can't even show my face or walk with my chin up. I'm dying I think or maybe that's a wish. But she just rolled over and rested her hand on my leg and I reakize she's worth the fight.
Does being strung out again take away my recent success? It's hard for me to decide. On one hand I went 13 years; on the other hand I blew it! Swimming through the shame and guilt after that first shot was so painful i needed another shot. Then another and another etc...I'm sitting up in bed right now and my sweet wife started stirring and seeing her face relaxed and seemingly happy makes me cry; because I know she knows I'm a piece of shit AGAIN! Regardless of sayings and 12 step rhetoric I know and you know that relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery. I am not powerless against this beast. She rolled over again and put her hand on my leg... I feel her reaching; reaching for the other me that disaapeared after that first shot. Damn I miss me too.
So where do I go what do I do. Which me is going to show up? The fighter me? He scratches and crawls and bites and isnt willing to give in even an inch.i say that knowing that that version of me doesn't exist right now. This version is selfish and greedy and deaf to all normal pleasures except those that scream like sex and dope. This version of me loves that beautiful woman lying by my side and she was sent here to save me cause this me doesn't want to wake up. This me wishes for death but is too cowardly for one but would miss her too much. As if I wasn't fucked up enough I also have a voice in my left ear. I Used to have episodes that lasted a day or 2 this one is now 2 years old. I call her B and she hates me. Now I know your wondering about my lossof reality? It's only happened twice. I burned money because I thought B needed it to survive, well at least that's what she told me; "that's my money and I need it to survive" over and over until I realized she was telling me she would die without the cash so I burned it.. 65k the first time and 35 the last.
Would have been helpful right now too. See I own rehabs and I can't even show my face or walk with my chin up. I'm dying I think or maybe that's a wish. But she just rolled over and rested her hand on my leg and I reakize she's worth the fight.
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