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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Cheshire_Kat

100mg DXM + weed - Experienced - Unexpected Near Death Experience

In my entire life, I haven't seen someone talk as beautiful as you Kaleida.
#nohomo

Kaleida said:
If you want to try to get a handle on it, now is the time to do something about it.
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I really like that you use ''If'' in this sentence. That ''If'' says a lot.

The thing is,mainly,I do not want to get a handle on it. And I feel guilty for not wanting to get a handle on it,but this doesn't determine to change my mind or to erase an idea rooted deep in my subconscious that is programmed to dictate my life.

I want to be insane,I want to suffer,I actually want to die,but I don't know why and I feel a terrible guilt for wanting these things.

Might this be caused by bipolarity or I might be dealing with a more severe problem?
 
Grigore, I wish I knew exactly the right things to tell you, but unfortunately I can only attempt to understand your situation from an outside perspective. I say this because there are so many different factors in life that could contribute to the way that you are feeling that I could just not possibly grasp the full value of.... It is possible that what you are feeling is indicative of a more severe problem, but it is also possible that it simply reflects a state you've reached as a result of dealing with your psychological state. I suppose my question for you would be, do you feel that you want to be insane so that you don't have to go through the work of not being insane, or is it simply something you have always desired?

If the former, it is conceivable that you only want these things as a form of escape, in which case it is certainly understandable why you would have these desires. Of course, in that scenario the only way to change anything about it is to start working yourself back to a more stable place regardless of what you want. This would likely help with your guilt... but at the cost of your beloved defense mechanisms. Unfortunately, in the world we inhabit this kind of exchange is necessary to grow, but it can be well worth it if it is the path you desire. But again, the choice is yours. I carefully craft my wording because I have no wish to dictate your life.

On the other hand, if these things are just what you have always desired, it could be symbolic of some increased drive within you. The thing about insanity and suffering and death is that they are all concepts wired into the human mind... and in some ways they can even overlap with other circuits, such as reward and fantasy. This is the reason that things like BDSM exist: masochists are masochists because they like to suffer, and they want to do it in a controlled environment. If you find that you have the desires to an uncomfortable degree, I suppose it could be that whatever is in people that causes them to want these things could be enhanced in you, and if that were the case it might be something you want to control through psychotherapy or medicine.

However, like I said, I really can't know for sure. For questions like that I feel you may be better off asking people with diagnosed bipolar disorder as well, since they are more likely to be able to relate to what you are feeling.
 
Kaleida said:
I suppose my question for you would be, do you feel that you want to be insane so that you don't have to go through the work of not being insane, or is it simply something you have always desired?
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I want to be insane so I won't go through the work of not being insane and being insane MIGHT stop me from commiting suicide because,otherwise,I would do it...sooner or later,in some way or another.

And in the long run...maybe I shouldn't commit suicide.I feel that becoming insane is the only way(for me) to escape from it.

My mental illness will never forgive me and one day,I might just shoot myself in the head on impulse and if I would be insane,at least I would have some kind of excuse for myself.

I don't even know if I deserve your help Kaleida,I'll just finish some unfinished things here and I would be glad to meet you in the afterlife. I will remember you :)
 
Alright, I understand what you are getting at....

All I can say is that I personally tend to think that suicide is not the best option.... I have thought about it a lot before in my life as well and eventually decided that it wasn't what I wanted. I was able to get myself to a better place in life by working on the things that were making me suicidal to begin with, and I was lucky in that way. I understand that not everyone has the same options.... I can even understand where you're coming from in the sense that in the past I have used temporary delirium induced by drugs as a way to escape those thoughts, I do get why it is appealing. I suppose the only advice I can really give is that if you do desire help and an option to avoid suicide that doesn't involve insanity, you really are just going to have to speak to people in your life about it. Otherwise, you will have to choose between the options you have already presented.

I don't know what you do or do not deserve, but I know that everyone deserves help when they are struggling. As it is your life you will do what you will do and I will respect that.... I will simply hope that whichever option you choose will bring you some kind of peace. That at least you deserve.
 
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