I've been putting off writing this blog, even though I know I need to. Everytime I go to write it, it's like I get a mental block or something. But I'm going to force myself to write it anyways, since it's the reason I might be disappearing for short (but random) periods of time.
Most of you already know I suffered a minor concussion 3 weeks ago. Something happened Friday night that I've been shying away from talking about it for obvious reasons. My best friend of 6 years, Giselle, knew I had a concussion and was still recovering. After coming back from the party we were at, I went to her bathroom to lay down on the tile. She came in after a while, saying her boyfriend needed to use it. I told her to give me a minute. She made some stupid comment about me wanting to see her boyfriend in the bathroom and said "Get the fuck up now." I told her she was acting like a bitch, she grabbed me by the hair, I bit her leg to try to get her to let go, she starting pounding my head in, and I don't remember anything after that. Except I came to at one point and felt something wet coming out of my ear, and hearing small snatches of "I'm going to fucking kill you", "Fucking bitch", etc. Some part of my brain registered that I was bleeding out of my ear, and that this was bad. I said something along the lines of, "There's blood coming out of my ear, I need someone to call an ambulance." I noticed her start focusing on hitting that ear and my original concussion site before I lost consciousness again; the bitch was literally trying to kill me. I don't remember anything else, the things I do remember (which isn't much during or after the attack), seem far away and blurry.
My friend said her boyfriend pulled her off of me shortly after I said that... I guess he finally decided to take note of the fact that I was already unconscious. It pisses me the fuck off that they were watching and didn't do anything. She was pounding my head in for about 10 minutes before anyone did anything, and it was only because I was able to come to for a few seconds and say that I needed medical attention. I cannot wrap my head around this. I feel a lot of rage lapping at the surface though, but I'm shying away from it. My friend also told me later that she pushed me into a glass table, which broke. He also mentioned she almost killed me, and I had to bite my tongue from asking him why the fuck he let it go on for so long then. Honestly, I want to know what she had to prove by doing this to someone ten times smaller than her. The crazy bitch is 22, almost 23 years old. It's not high school. In the adult/professional world, things like this just make you look trashy. I'm really little - everyone knows I wouldn't win most fights, and I'll be the first to admit it - so what the fuck is the point of attacking me?
The ambulance took me to the ER and the police came, both of which I don't remember. I have a ruptured eardrum, hearing loss in my left ear, a concussion on top of a concussion & all of the post-concussive symptoms that come with it x 10, bruises and cuts all over my body (from the table?), my entire face is swollen, my jaw is fucked up and I can't chew or open my mouth without being in excruciating pain, bumps all over my head and forehead, and scratches all over my face and neck. As far as the actions I'm taking against her: I'm pressing charges - it's being sent up to the D.A. and treated as an attempted murder case and suing the shit out of her. She also works for my therapist, so I called him to let him know what happened and that I refused to continue seeing him if she worked there. He said he would speak to her about it, but he wants to hear her side of the story first. BTW, I don't know what the fuck he needs to speak to her about - she almost killed one of his clients - that should be grounds for termination in and of itself. IT'S A GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE. Why would you let someone work there who has caused one of your clients extreme physical and PSYCHOLOGICAL trauma? I don't get it. And right now, I really need to talk to him more than ever. What the FUCK.
See, this is why I haven't been talking about it. Because when I talk about it, I have to think about it. And when I think about it, I have to acknowledge it actually happened... which means acknowledging how close I was to dying that night... that my best friend is the one who almost caused it... that no one watching cared enough to act sooner... and that it's highly possible no one else cares whether I live or die either. I don't want to accept these things or deal with those feelings yet. But I know that at some point, I'm going to have to allow myself to truly accept these things... the fact that I almost died is the big one that keeps trying to push through, but I'm not letting myself go there yet. It's also hard knowing that no one really cares what I'm dealing with. My family isn't being supportive at all. I'm just putting it off, I guess because I know that it's going to completely pull me under and I'm going to be in a very dark and lonely place. Last time I dealt with something traumatic, it took me a year, and I came out of it with a whole new set of distrust towards people and pretty severe PTSD. And that's what pulled me into addiction in the first place; I'm barely just getting my life back on track. I think that's why I'm putting it off for so long. I have no idea how this is truly going to affect me and I'm scared to find out.
But at least I have Bluelight this time. I feel more comfortable here right now. Probably because I know I can't trust anyone. People in my life say they care, but I don't believe them anymore. How do I know that everyone isn't harboring some sort of secret, irrational resentment towards me, and they're not all just waiting for the perfect opportunity to act on it? I mean, I didn't know that my "best friend" of 6 years secretly hated me so much as to not care that she was literally killing me... all because she was irrationally jealous. If anything, I was extra careful around him - I've been walking on eggshells around him for two years, ever since she punched me in the face for accidentally walking in on him in the bathroom two years ago when I was drunk. I've been more careful than I should have had to be around my "best friend's" boyfriend, even though she knows perfectly well that I have never in my life gone after ANY of my friend's boyfriends (even though she's done it to me twice). And yet her other friends slap his ass and she doesn't do shit. WTF.
But she's really pretty too... if you take away her ugly personality... so I don't understand it. People have always said I'm prettier than her, but never around her, and I always thought we were equal as far as looks go. I never said or did anything to make her feel like I thought I was better than her in any way. I always complimented her and stuff. Even if I did think that, I'm not a stuck up bitch and wouldn't show it (although she is), because looks aren't everything (obviously). So I can't understand her jealousy, although I keep trying to. I've never gone after any of my friend's boyfriends, never gave her a reason to feel jealous or insecure... idk her jealousy regarding me and her boyfriend is just completely fucking irrational to me.
Anyway my mind is starting to race and I don't like where it's heading, so I'm done. I didn't mean to turn this into a huge rant. I just wanted to say that between ER visits, doctor visits, figuring out what the fuck I'm going to do about therapy, legal stuff... and I also go over to my grandma's everyday for four hours to watch her in between when her caregivers are there, and her community doesn't have WiFi... things are kind of hectic to say the least.
Also, despite the tone of this blog, I don't want anyone to think I'm suicidal. I know I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I can have a great future ahead of me if I want to. And that's more than enough to keep me going. So please don't freak out and think I'm suicidal. I'm not. I promise.
Anyway. I'm still going to work on my mod stuff whenever I can. I'm not planning on stepping down or needing a break. I like being a mod. It's nice to know that I'm doing something right somewhere, at least, and I like helping people. That's not going to change, no matter how I feel or what's going on in my life. I just wanted everyone to know that.
Most of you already know I suffered a minor concussion 3 weeks ago. Something happened Friday night that I've been shying away from talking about it for obvious reasons. My best friend of 6 years, Giselle, knew I had a concussion and was still recovering. After coming back from the party we were at, I went to her bathroom to lay down on the tile. She came in after a while, saying her boyfriend needed to use it. I told her to give me a minute. She made some stupid comment about me wanting to see her boyfriend in the bathroom and said "Get the fuck up now." I told her she was acting like a bitch, she grabbed me by the hair, I bit her leg to try to get her to let go, she starting pounding my head in, and I don't remember anything after that. Except I came to at one point and felt something wet coming out of my ear, and hearing small snatches of "I'm going to fucking kill you", "Fucking bitch", etc. Some part of my brain registered that I was bleeding out of my ear, and that this was bad. I said something along the lines of, "There's blood coming out of my ear, I need someone to call an ambulance." I noticed her start focusing on hitting that ear and my original concussion site before I lost consciousness again; the bitch was literally trying to kill me. I don't remember anything else, the things I do remember (which isn't much during or after the attack), seem far away and blurry.
My friend said her boyfriend pulled her off of me shortly after I said that... I guess he finally decided to take note of the fact that I was already unconscious. It pisses me the fuck off that they were watching and didn't do anything. She was pounding my head in for about 10 minutes before anyone did anything, and it was only because I was able to come to for a few seconds and say that I needed medical attention. I cannot wrap my head around this. I feel a lot of rage lapping at the surface though, but I'm shying away from it. My friend also told me later that she pushed me into a glass table, which broke. He also mentioned she almost killed me, and I had to bite my tongue from asking him why the fuck he let it go on for so long then. Honestly, I want to know what she had to prove by doing this to someone ten times smaller than her. The crazy bitch is 22, almost 23 years old. It's not high school. In the adult/professional world, things like this just make you look trashy. I'm really little - everyone knows I wouldn't win most fights, and I'll be the first to admit it - so what the fuck is the point of attacking me?
The ambulance took me to the ER and the police came, both of which I don't remember. I have a ruptured eardrum, hearing loss in my left ear, a concussion on top of a concussion & all of the post-concussive symptoms that come with it x 10, bruises and cuts all over my body (from the table?), my entire face is swollen, my jaw is fucked up and I can't chew or open my mouth without being in excruciating pain, bumps all over my head and forehead, and scratches all over my face and neck. As far as the actions I'm taking against her: I'm pressing charges - it's being sent up to the D.A. and treated as an attempted murder case and suing the shit out of her. She also works for my therapist, so I called him to let him know what happened and that I refused to continue seeing him if she worked there. He said he would speak to her about it, but he wants to hear her side of the story first. BTW, I don't know what the fuck he needs to speak to her about - she almost killed one of his clients - that should be grounds for termination in and of itself. IT'S A GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE. Why would you let someone work there who has caused one of your clients extreme physical and PSYCHOLOGICAL trauma? I don't get it. And right now, I really need to talk to him more than ever. What the FUCK.
See, this is why I haven't been talking about it. Because when I talk about it, I have to think about it. And when I think about it, I have to acknowledge it actually happened... which means acknowledging how close I was to dying that night... that my best friend is the one who almost caused it... that no one watching cared enough to act sooner... and that it's highly possible no one else cares whether I live or die either. I don't want to accept these things or deal with those feelings yet. But I know that at some point, I'm going to have to allow myself to truly accept these things... the fact that I almost died is the big one that keeps trying to push through, but I'm not letting myself go there yet. It's also hard knowing that no one really cares what I'm dealing with. My family isn't being supportive at all. I'm just putting it off, I guess because I know that it's going to completely pull me under and I'm going to be in a very dark and lonely place. Last time I dealt with something traumatic, it took me a year, and I came out of it with a whole new set of distrust towards people and pretty severe PTSD. And that's what pulled me into addiction in the first place; I'm barely just getting my life back on track. I think that's why I'm putting it off for so long. I have no idea how this is truly going to affect me and I'm scared to find out.
But at least I have Bluelight this time. I feel more comfortable here right now. Probably because I know I can't trust anyone. People in my life say they care, but I don't believe them anymore. How do I know that everyone isn't harboring some sort of secret, irrational resentment towards me, and they're not all just waiting for the perfect opportunity to act on it? I mean, I didn't know that my "best friend" of 6 years secretly hated me so much as to not care that she was literally killing me... all because she was irrationally jealous. If anything, I was extra careful around him - I've been walking on eggshells around him for two years, ever since she punched me in the face for accidentally walking in on him in the bathroom two years ago when I was drunk. I've been more careful than I should have had to be around my "best friend's" boyfriend, even though she knows perfectly well that I have never in my life gone after ANY of my friend's boyfriends (even though she's done it to me twice). And yet her other friends slap his ass and she doesn't do shit. WTF.
But she's really pretty too... if you take away her ugly personality... so I don't understand it. People have always said I'm prettier than her, but never around her, and I always thought we were equal as far as looks go. I never said or did anything to make her feel like I thought I was better than her in any way. I always complimented her and stuff. Even if I did think that, I'm not a stuck up bitch and wouldn't show it (although she is), because looks aren't everything (obviously). So I can't understand her jealousy, although I keep trying to. I've never gone after any of my friend's boyfriends, never gave her a reason to feel jealous or insecure... idk her jealousy regarding me and her boyfriend is just completely fucking irrational to me.
Anyway my mind is starting to race and I don't like where it's heading, so I'm done. I didn't mean to turn this into a huge rant. I just wanted to say that between ER visits, doctor visits, figuring out what the fuck I'm going to do about therapy, legal stuff... and I also go over to my grandma's everyday for four hours to watch her in between when her caregivers are there, and her community doesn't have WiFi... things are kind of hectic to say the least.
Also, despite the tone of this blog, I don't want anyone to think I'm suicidal. I know I'm a good person with good intentions, and that I can have a great future ahead of me if I want to. And that's more than enough to keep me going. So please don't freak out and think I'm suicidal. I'm not. I promise.
Anyway. I'm still going to work on my mod stuff whenever I can. I'm not planning on stepping down or needing a break. I like being a mod. It's nice to know that I'm doing something right somewhere, at least, and I like helping people. That's not going to change, no matter how I feel or what's going on in my life. I just wanted everyone to know that.
) Having 3 older brothers over twice my size didn't hurt, as they taught me how to take care of myself in their own way. haha. Look, you don't need that bitch or anyone who treats you this way. Keep your head up and don'tlet people into your life that wrong you. Trimming the fat regarding relationships is an unfortunate yet vital aspect of being a human. There are people out there who will make you feel safe, protected, and loved. If someone in your life isn't living up to those standards, write them the fuck off. Good luck with your lawsuit and recovery. Hit me up any time that you need to vent.
I am healing... slowly, but at least I am. Still can't hear out of my left ear and my jaw/ears/head constantly hurt, but the rest of the injuries have calmed down to a very dull roar. Can't say the same for my emotions unfortunately. I mean. Yesterday two people... who I thought were friends... told me the whole thing was "hilarious". Still trying to wrap my head around that one. It's kind of eating at me that *anyone*, let alone my "friends", think it's "hilarious" that I almost died. Add that on top of everything else... all I can say is that this has been bad for my benzo/opiate consumption, and I'll leave it at that. I know it's not a good solution, but it's what's keeping me out of my own head at the moment. My thoughts are not a place I want to explore in depth right now, too fucking dark in there. 
anyway-basically I know what that kind of trauma feels like. and i am so sorry you are going through this. I hope your psychologist is a reasonable person(I am actually working towards my PhD to be a psychologist and would SO NOT have that shit). Fuck her side of ANYTHING.