The Warden
Bluelighter
Good job. It can be tough. I've never been addicted to anything serious, just spice, but even that shit was tough to kick. I'm a little more than ten months sober from that garbage. Keep up the good work!
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1 year clean today!!!
- Thread starter Stormy32
- Start date
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
GOod stuff man, iv been clean for a few months but im still not feeling good from life yetIts kind of frustrating, sometimes i feel like going back. q.q
Try to practice patience with that, F1n1shed. It takes a while for the brain to reset, not to mention that the drug used to be how you would cope and so you lost a coping mechanism and it takes time to learn new ways to get your needs met. Stay strong--you know if you go back that it will only lead to a more dismal place even if it feels good in the short term. PM me anytime if you need extra support, OK?
Lysdexic
Bluelighter
Congratulations. If I make it another month it will be 31 years for me. It's possible for anyone to make it, I'm living proof of that.
God damn! 31 years! Congrats on 30 years, 11 months, and some change. I gotta say thats inspirational.
eireann
Bluelighter
Wow! What a feeling. Can't believe I made it an entire year. I was addicted to opiates. Going cold turkey from those babies was HELL and I never want to go through that again. I never want to live the life style of a drug addict again either. I hope this gives hope to anyone out there who thinks they can't do this. I am STILL not right in my head. I don't if I ever will be to be totally honest. I know I suffered at terrible case of PAWS. I didn't do this on my own. I don't think it's possible. I have a lot of family support, I go to meetings EVERY day. I read my big book. I work my steps. It's hard work, but so worth the life I have now. It's not perfect, it never will be. But it IS so much better than the life style I was leading. The stealing, the lying, the deceit. I hated who I was. Anyways, I just wanted to say the old cliche, if I can do it, anyone can. And that is the damn truth. I love BL. I only wish I would of found it earlier. I watched from afar for years with out ever logging in or posting. I
well done you da man!!!!! you are one of the 15 percent who make it past the first year!!! that shows how strong you are,you deserve to be proud i dont even know you and im proud of you congrats man!!!!!
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
Stormy congratulations and thank you for coming back to let us know your current successes! You deserve it so much and this post will give a lot of people in your past situation a lot of hope 
.
congratulations and thank you for coming back to let us know your current successes! You deserve it so much and this post will give a lot of people in your past situation a lot of hope .
synergistic.affect
Greenlighter
PAWS can def be a bastard, i think i had attributed my depression and general uselessness to everythng imaginable, to the brink of self harm, and to the burden of my wife and parents. But after about 8 months clean(and i'd been using all sorts of drugs, in whatever combinbations, every single day for half my life, 15 years; gbl addictions on and off for years- one very short taper after a traumatic event leading to 9 days without sleep and full elaborate delerium/psych ward visit, i sold ecstasy and payed myself in ecstacy, i loved me some mephedrone since early 2008 and tryps and phens since 99, then the countless others and the opium tea, pills and dope for the better part of the latter 10 years.
Then, in the name of saving all of our time, ill just say that i decided an epoch was in order, and i stopped. Although id been forced into cold turkey more times than id like to think about, this time i first stopped my constant drug lifestyle at me and my wifes "party" pad, then the drugs (save the dope and weed) were no more. I do not now, or have ever engaged in conspiracy to quit weed. just to note for the record. but the heron had to go. I couldn't put my wife or my slef through any more of this stagnation or the wretching and vomiting and the desperate attempt to take a breath in between.
So i horded suboxone like gold, and since my mind was finally made up, i did a slow but consistant, comfortable taper. For the first time ever i had no fear that i was gonna go grab a bag and screw this up. not even a thought.
At first I had been working on getting down to bag twice a day or less, then i made the switch. Over the course of about 2 months i got down from 6mgs(the lowest i could start at pretty comfortably, remember, not trying to get high, i had been sick so much around then that 'not sick' was basically high) down to 1/2mg 1 to 2 times/day. For each jump down, my body seemed to need about 5 days to a week before it was ready for the next. Then i got all the way down to 1/8mg per day. Although this is still a clinically relevant amount in bupe dosing in many countries, it was obviously time to jump off.
I took gabapentin during the weaning period. i suspect gaba b activation to be of great importance in moderating w/d symptoms, as gbl(has gaba b action) almost erases w/d, and phenibut and to some degree, baclofen also help. The night of the 1st day that i hadnt taken any opes or bupe, i took 65mgs of mxe(with later boosters) and will never forget the joy or rushes of euphoria as we wandered and talked in the falling snow. Positive plans for a positive future.
That positivity lasted a while, fading over the course of 2 weeks. Perhaps with direction, if i had already found my niche in life and knew satisfaction and success asa much as i knew partying, exploring mind states, and helping friends fix thier lives with the abundance of insight i seem to have for other people; i might have been better off. But i don't know where the hell i really fit in with any sense of satisfaction or actualization. And I didn't really know much about PAWS.
I did endure about 8 months of bad depression, complete amotivation, anxiety, agition, and apathy... sometimes(and increasingly so) there were lighter times. Eventually it wasn't a peripheal activating stressor to see another human being. It did indeed lift. i had tried medications and maybe they helped a lil, but i wasn't on any when the bulk of, and tail end of, the change ran it's course. Now remember, i didnt know about PAWS, which is odd cuz i read about pharm and neurochem constantly and have taken upper level pharmacology classes and honors biopsych courses. But no, without knowledge of such a syndrome, i blamed myself for everything and rationalized a million reasons for my pain and failure and how i was causing them with my flaws. I have been known to think too much.
When it lifted it wasn't all at once, but i could feel it, i knew. It was shortly after that that i even learned of paws. Been clean off opes for well over a year now. happy as a normal person or perhaps even more, for the "mountains" i've climbed and conquered. The notion that the human brain is resilent enough to shrug off 15 years of insult in 8 months is inspiring to me. I was young. i thought downing bottles of vitamins and precursers would be a 100% magic buffer. i believe they definately help some, but the anomoly of this brain that happened to be planted into the head of our species is unparalleled in this world.
sorry about the spelling errors, etc. its too late and i might already be sleeping... To Stormy and all of the others above who have won the fight, like i have; by leaving the ring... My heartfelt congratulations, best wishes, and love
And to those still fighting, you have to win the battle in your head fist, so first mobilize the troops of the mind
Then, in the name of saving all of our time, ill just say that i decided an epoch was in order, and i stopped. Although id been forced into cold turkey more times than id like to think about, this time i first stopped my constant drug lifestyle at me and my wifes "party" pad, then the drugs (save the dope and weed) were no more. I do not now, or have ever engaged in conspiracy to quit weed. just to note for the record. but the heron had to go. I couldn't put my wife or my slef through any more of this stagnation or the wretching and vomiting and the desperate attempt to take a breath in between.
So i horded suboxone like gold, and since my mind was finally made up, i did a slow but consistant, comfortable taper. For the first time ever i had no fear that i was gonna go grab a bag and screw this up. not even a thought.
At first I had been working on getting down to bag twice a day or less, then i made the switch. Over the course of about 2 months i got down from 6mgs(the lowest i could start at pretty comfortably, remember, not trying to get high, i had been sick so much around then that 'not sick' was basically high) down to 1/2mg 1 to 2 times/day. For each jump down, my body seemed to need about 5 days to a week before it was ready for the next. Then i got all the way down to 1/8mg per day. Although this is still a clinically relevant amount in bupe dosing in many countries, it was obviously time to jump off.
I took gabapentin during the weaning period. i suspect gaba b activation to be of great importance in moderating w/d symptoms, as gbl(has gaba b action) almost erases w/d, and phenibut and to some degree, baclofen also help. The night of the 1st day that i hadnt taken any opes or bupe, i took 65mgs of mxe(with later boosters) and will never forget the joy or rushes of euphoria as we wandered and talked in the falling snow. Positive plans for a positive future.
That positivity lasted a while, fading over the course of 2 weeks. Perhaps with direction, if i had already found my niche in life and knew satisfaction and success asa much as i knew partying, exploring mind states, and helping friends fix thier lives with the abundance of insight i seem to have for other people; i might have been better off. But i don't know where the hell i really fit in with any sense of satisfaction or actualization. And I didn't really know much about PAWS.
I did endure about 8 months of bad depression, complete amotivation, anxiety, agition, and apathy... sometimes(and increasingly so) there were lighter times. Eventually it wasn't a peripheal activating stressor to see another human being. It did indeed lift. i had tried medications and maybe they helped a lil, but i wasn't on any when the bulk of, and tail end of, the change ran it's course. Now remember, i didnt know about PAWS, which is odd cuz i read about pharm and neurochem constantly and have taken upper level pharmacology classes and honors biopsych courses. But no, without knowledge of such a syndrome, i blamed myself for everything and rationalized a million reasons for my pain and failure and how i was causing them with my flaws. I have been known to think too much.
When it lifted it wasn't all at once, but i could feel it, i knew. It was shortly after that that i even learned of paws. Been clean off opes for well over a year now. happy as a normal person or perhaps even more, for the "mountains" i've climbed and conquered. The notion that the human brain is resilent enough to shrug off 15 years of insult in 8 months is inspiring to me. I was young. i thought downing bottles of vitamins and precursers would be a 100% magic buffer. i believe they definately help some, but the anomoly of this brain that happened to be planted into the head of our species is unparalleled in this world.
sorry about the spelling errors, etc. its too late and i might already be sleeping... To Stormy and all of the others above who have won the fight, like i have; by leaving the ring... My heartfelt congratulations, best wishes, and love
And to those still fighting, you have to win the battle in your head fist, so first mobilize the troops of the mind
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