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1 year, 4 months and 20 days

M

matt2012

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 31, 2006
Messages
2,257
Location
Canton, OH
1 year, 4 months and 20 days ago my wife told me she didn't love me anyone. out of the blue...no fighting, no cold shoulder, we still did everything we used to, sex life was good, blindsided is so far of an understatement but it's the only word I have to describe it. Devastated only scratches the surface of the internal suffering that still racks my mind and body to this day.

I never got an explanation. Never from her anyway. The only tidbits of information I got came from family and mutual friends and felt excuses more than reasons.

I have been trying to salvage myself for the last year and it only gets harder every second I can't be with her. I've tried to heed the advice of every outlet available to me. I've never really had a bad break up from any previous relationship, let alone the most precious and fulfilling one I have ever experienced. Trying to remove her from my life is just as agonizing as the moment it ended.

It's been months since I saw even a picture of her. I've avoided it at all costs. But after the events of yesterday I my resolve broke.

I have been talking to a girl at work for a long time and even asked her out. It was obvious that after she turned me down that she wasn't into me. I'm no dummy but she was still an awesome person so I would talk with her when I got the chance and of course I got the feels. I put them out of my mind the best I could until 2 days ago when she sheepishly invited me to go to a bar with her and her friends on nye. The next day she told me plans changed and it was obvious I was no longer included in said plans so I was a hurt.

Last night I turned my phone off and went to bed at 9:30 to avoid all the texts and calls at midnight that would only remind me of how I was ditched the night before. I had a dream of my ex and got up feeling nostalgic and opened her Facebook page.

The instant I saw her picture, my heart raced and hands shook. It felt like the first day I met her only tainted with the anguish of the end of my world. Nervous and excited while caked with the foulness of immense loss and sadness. My stomach turned and I choked back the majority of the tears.

I still love her with all my heart. Everything I have done this last year to push through has been done only to ease the minds of my family. I don't want someone new. I don't want to be in my new house or new town. Talking to other women still feels like a betrayal of my vows. I long for the sunshine of her smile and beg everyday for release from this torment.

I fear that I will soon meet the limits of the pain I am willing to endure. Advice is need, encouragement is needed, a warm heart...anything
 
It will get easier with time, it'll never be easy but it will hurt less. My girlfriend of seven years broke up with me three years ago and I'm just now really getting over her.

I got blackout drunk every day for over a year and it just made things worse. I still wake up crying sometimes thinking about her, but it happens less these days. It's a traumatic experience and you can't expect to get over it soon.

I do feel for you though. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take care.
 
Hello Matt, you're a very honest person. You're trying your best but pain will continue hit you, as long as times heals it at first time. Just wait, do the regular work, be happy, hangout with friends a lot. Things will get different from there.
 
matt2012 said:
I still love her with all my heart. Everything I have done this last year to push through has been done only to ease the minds of my family. I don't want someone new. I don't want to be in my new house or new town. Talking to other women still feels like a betrayal of my vows. I long for the sunshine of her smile and beg everyday for release from this torment.
Click to expand...

The issue you have now is you really need to just let her go, and stop torturing yourself about it. If you keep pining after her and there's no way you can have her, then you're only going to create more pain for yourself. So, get back to living for you and stop investing energy into something that is no more. Get a plan to get yourself back on track, for you and about your life. Once you start moving in a new direction then the pain will fade from the front of your mind and become a memory.

I sympathize with you though, it must have been devastating at the time. You'll come back fighting though! Good luck :)
 
wow, you need to remove triggers until you are further on getting over it.

looking at her picture is a trigger.

simple, awful to have to do this but the easiest way to cope with something sad is to remove the triggers
 
These situations are tough but it is important that you realize you are your own person. I am unfortunately speaking with more experience in the matter then I would like. As it were I just got told the same thing from my g/f after 6 years of dating and 3 years of heroin addiction just finally getting off methadone. 3 weeks after she got off she just basically told me "i dont love you anymore" after acting aggressively all day. I was fully blind sided by this after thinking things were finally getting better only to find out that as i grew closer through our recovery she found she wanted more in life, i guess.

She tried to rationalize it to me by saying "we are stagnant we dont have sex anymore (finally got my sex drive back from methadone just too late) and that she wants excitement and new experiences" I managed to get us a week together to see if it changes but now i realize i dont think it will. She was trying to rationalize it because people do but she just found out she has wings and needs to try flying. I basically sent her a long email saying "i get it now" because i really do. For so long i was worried we would end up like the move "Candy" where she runs away while we are still shooting up and i am forced to wonder. There was a time years ago i wanted this for her, i wanted a life where she can act like this didnt happen to us and she could live happy... i always thought i would be in it. I know that she will want time away because she needs to experience the world and i literally cant give her that nor would i want to stop her.

I have never felt so conflicted and i can see neither has she. I dont know where we go from here but i built all my future plans around her my life and my future, there was a time that i would kill myself if it would spare her pain and that time is still now. I didnt want to derail your thread but it helps if you can work on accepting it. The real thing is you have to love yourself and know youll be ok. I can do 1 of 2 things here myself; the college me who had his 4 year relationship end spent 2 years as an alcoholic and that didnt do me any favors last time. Part of me is thinking if i let her go she will come back because i can see it in her this decision is not easy and she wants what best for both of us she just doesnt know what that is. I know that i stand a far better chance of showing her that we were met to be together by letting her go and hoping she comes back, but at the same time acting like she wont, i wish we ended in a fight or i could push her away but i cant. We literally spend every day for 5 years together i seriously dont know how i will make things work. I wish i could convey how strange it was to guide her through what to say to me for the "i dont love you but i do but i dont know" convocation.

But just like you should i need to love myself. There was a reason she fell for me 6 years ago if i can rekindle that then maybe when we reconnect it will be ok or when i meet someone new they can be half the caring and giving person she was. But it starts with finding it in you to accept the fact you are worth loving and to love yourself.

It is also important to note that at this particular juncture i have no real friends the only friend i have i made with her like 2 months ago everyone i work with knows i am madly in love with her and i definitely did a great job at alienating myself from anyone who ever knew me 6 years ago but i cant let that bother me because i know shes in the same boat and if we are going to learn to move on we both have to do so and i am not allowed to wallow in self pity because that will hold both of us back from being happy... i still very much care for her happiness and if this is what she wants i will walk her through this so she can have a better chance of getting what she wants. I know in the end i will be happier knowing she i happy because for so long she had no confidence and self esteem and now she does. No amount of saying that stops my heart from aching over what i assume to be a definite thing now :(
 
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This guy gets it. Most everything in your post I have done or said or told myself. But life without her is torturous and without something that resembles closure it tears at me every day. I can't do anything without it reminding me of her because she was all I lived for. I keep hoping that for every tear that falls her life is that much better.

I don't have any friends to speak of and depression and anxiety prevent me from making new ones most of the time. I hastily bought a house that I can't really afford so no money to go out. I'm just sitting here waiting to die while hoping that she finds what I couldn't give her
 
There is no way to make heart ache stop but you would be infinitely better realizing that where ever she is or whatever she is doing odds are part of her still wants you to be happy. I may not know what will happen in my situation per say but the one thing i will not do is leave her with a standing memory of me turning out to be a sad over attached individual because that was not who i was when we met. As cliche as it is to say "if you love someone sometimes you have to let them go"

I know you said you dont talk to her but both of you would benefit from you moving on. I know theres no words to make it easier and i wonder how i came to accept this as i have, i know i still love her but for some reason that is what is stopping me from being so upset. I thought that it would bother me but i literally told her Sunday, "ive come to realize i can not stop a Phoenix from rising from the ashes of a past life, nor would i ever want to." Whether that is the phrase she needs to finally move on or if that was somehow the change she wanted in me i may not know for a few days but i could never see doing anything other then wishing her the best and maybe waiting a few months just in case she changes her mind.

I know it probably doesnt help but she wouldnt want this for you, provided there was a shared love she wouldnt want you doing this and not that i would want to give you false hope but in the event she reconsiders, you will not appear to be the man she use to love and thus she will not like reconsider. Do what is right for you and happiness will follow, the road can be long and lonely but theres a point to it all.
 
I feel you completely, I am desperately in love with someone who I know will never feel the same. We dated for over a year and every year on our anniversary she texts me checking in. She texts me explaining how much she misses me when she's drunk, even though she has a boyfriend. We broke up because she didnt feel a connection anymore, even though i still loved her very much, I tried to move on. Whenever shes not going out with someone she comes back to me and then leaves when she gets bored.
 
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