LTCsufferer
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2016
- Messages
- 45
Hey guys this past month I have lived on this site. reading everyones stories is one of the only things that can calm me down when I hit a rough patch. I figured it was time to share my own.
About a month ago I was offered molly at a regional burn. I had taken MDMA twice before with a year between each time (all of it untested unfortunately). I was a little hesitant to take is as I had experienced some very minor feelings of derealization after the second time (it would only last a few seconds and then go away). Eventually after going back and forth I decided to only take half a pill thinking it wouldn’t effect me too much. About half an hour later it hit me in a huge wave of anxiety. I'm sure my reluctance to take it in the first place didn’t help. My eyes were wiggling so bad that I couldn’t focus on anything. This only fueled my anxiety since I had never experienced eye wiggles on molly and did not realize they were normal. I also felt a strong burning tingling feeling throughout my head and arms. At that point I decided to excuse myself from the festivities and go to the sanctuary. I can't tell you how grateful I was to be in a place with a tent set up specificity for people having a bad trip. I was also really grateful that the guy I had recently started seeing insisted on staying with me despite me telling him he should go enjoy himself. Once in the tent I was able to calm down a bit and enjoy at least part of my roll I fluctuated between talking nonstop about how I felt better and just laying there feeling like I had damaged my brain and would never recover.
The next day I felt ok but would have an occasional dip into depression that lasted about a minute. It wasn’t until three days later that I noticed I was severely depressed. And I mean rock bottom, zero joy, painful depression. What really freaked me out was when I went to watch a youtube video that always cheers me up when I'm down and it had literally no effect on me. In fact I almost resented it. That sent me into a horrible panic that lasted the whole night. I almost called a suicide hotline at one point but I called my best friend instead. talking to her helped with the panic but I still felt horribly depressed. The next day I went to work feeling like I was in a daze I was struggling to find the right words and stuttering a lot I was also having difficulty remembering things that happened earlier that day. The only time I actually felt a little better was when I went to lunch with a coworker that I didn’t even like that much. I think interacting with someone without expecting to enjoy myself helped calm the depression a bit. That night I went to my regular exercise class I still felt like shit but stretching and working my muscles at least kinda distracted me from the agonizing emotional pain I felt. At that point I was considering checking myself into a mental hospital. I literally would have done anything to relieve the pain. As much as it pains me to say this, in that moment, despite knowing that I didn’t want to do it, I understood why people take their own lives. I remember thinking that if I had to live with that kind of depression much longer I would have no choice but to commit suicide. That night I picked up some 5htp I was nervous to take it because I read somewhere that it could make things worse but at that point I didn’t think it could get worse. The next day I felt great. The 5htp made such a difference I almost felt like I was rolling again. That effect didn’t last long though.
Fast forward to a week later and I was still getting severely depressed in the afternoon. It wasn’t quite as bad as the first two nights but it was still an aching depression that felt like it would never lift. I would also get random feelings of anxiety throughout the day. Two weeks in I started taking vitamin b12 fish oil and vitamin d and I upped my 5htp from 100 to 200 mg. Around that time my depression lessened but was still present.
Now I'm about month in. My memory seems back to normal and I rarely get feelings of derealization. I do get random bursts of anxiety but I don’t let it take over. The worst part is the depression although it's nowhere near as bad as it was when this started it's still really hard to deal with. There will be times when I'll look at a random object and it will feel like I have a really painful memory associated with it when that isn’t the case at all. I have started eating better and practicing yoga which seems to help but I really can't wait until all this is over.
At the end of my yoga classes they always ask us to think of three thing we're grateful for. Sometimes it's hard to feel gratitude when I feel this depressed, but I try. I'm grateful for my mom who has helped me through this despite being thousands of miles away. I'm grateful that my life is relatively stress free which has allowed me to focus on my recovery, and most of all I'm grateful that my depression isn’t constant. When I wake up in the morning I feel almost back to normal. It isn’t until around mid afternoon that the depression creeps in and it usually lightens up a few hours before I go to bed.
When I get really down I come to bluelight. I know people say it's best to stay away from the forums but reading everyone's stories really helps me cope especially when they’re recovery stories. Just knowing that I'm not alone has made a world of difference in my recovery so thank you to everyone who has posted their experience. I would love to hear from other people who had a similar experience from a relatively low dose. it really blows my mind that I had this strong a reaction to half a pill. granted I don't know the exact dose I was given and although I was told it had been tested and was pure I did not see the results myself still it scares me to know that a tiny little pill can have this much impact on my brain chemistry. As always I would love to hear from people who have gone through this and recovered but please save the negativity it's hard enough to go through this without people saying you deserve what you got or it's all in your head (seriously if it was all in our heads why are there so many people with similar symptoms that happened to start after taking MDMA) Anyway thanks for reading and if you're going through this my heart goes out to you.
About a month ago I was offered molly at a regional burn. I had taken MDMA twice before with a year between each time (all of it untested unfortunately). I was a little hesitant to take is as I had experienced some very minor feelings of derealization after the second time (it would only last a few seconds and then go away). Eventually after going back and forth I decided to only take half a pill thinking it wouldn’t effect me too much. About half an hour later it hit me in a huge wave of anxiety. I'm sure my reluctance to take it in the first place didn’t help. My eyes were wiggling so bad that I couldn’t focus on anything. This only fueled my anxiety since I had never experienced eye wiggles on molly and did not realize they were normal. I also felt a strong burning tingling feeling throughout my head and arms. At that point I decided to excuse myself from the festivities and go to the sanctuary. I can't tell you how grateful I was to be in a place with a tent set up specificity for people having a bad trip. I was also really grateful that the guy I had recently started seeing insisted on staying with me despite me telling him he should go enjoy himself. Once in the tent I was able to calm down a bit and enjoy at least part of my roll I fluctuated between talking nonstop about how I felt better and just laying there feeling like I had damaged my brain and would never recover.
The next day I felt ok but would have an occasional dip into depression that lasted about a minute. It wasn’t until three days later that I noticed I was severely depressed. And I mean rock bottom, zero joy, painful depression. What really freaked me out was when I went to watch a youtube video that always cheers me up when I'm down and it had literally no effect on me. In fact I almost resented it. That sent me into a horrible panic that lasted the whole night. I almost called a suicide hotline at one point but I called my best friend instead. talking to her helped with the panic but I still felt horribly depressed. The next day I went to work feeling like I was in a daze I was struggling to find the right words and stuttering a lot I was also having difficulty remembering things that happened earlier that day. The only time I actually felt a little better was when I went to lunch with a coworker that I didn’t even like that much. I think interacting with someone without expecting to enjoy myself helped calm the depression a bit. That night I went to my regular exercise class I still felt like shit but stretching and working my muscles at least kinda distracted me from the agonizing emotional pain I felt. At that point I was considering checking myself into a mental hospital. I literally would have done anything to relieve the pain. As much as it pains me to say this, in that moment, despite knowing that I didn’t want to do it, I understood why people take their own lives. I remember thinking that if I had to live with that kind of depression much longer I would have no choice but to commit suicide. That night I picked up some 5htp I was nervous to take it because I read somewhere that it could make things worse but at that point I didn’t think it could get worse. The next day I felt great. The 5htp made such a difference I almost felt like I was rolling again. That effect didn’t last long though.
Fast forward to a week later and I was still getting severely depressed in the afternoon. It wasn’t quite as bad as the first two nights but it was still an aching depression that felt like it would never lift. I would also get random feelings of anxiety throughout the day. Two weeks in I started taking vitamin b12 fish oil and vitamin d and I upped my 5htp from 100 to 200 mg. Around that time my depression lessened but was still present.
Now I'm about month in. My memory seems back to normal and I rarely get feelings of derealization. I do get random bursts of anxiety but I don’t let it take over. The worst part is the depression although it's nowhere near as bad as it was when this started it's still really hard to deal with. There will be times when I'll look at a random object and it will feel like I have a really painful memory associated with it when that isn’t the case at all. I have started eating better and practicing yoga which seems to help but I really can't wait until all this is over.
At the end of my yoga classes they always ask us to think of three thing we're grateful for. Sometimes it's hard to feel gratitude when I feel this depressed, but I try. I'm grateful for my mom who has helped me through this despite being thousands of miles away. I'm grateful that my life is relatively stress free which has allowed me to focus on my recovery, and most of all I'm grateful that my depression isn’t constant. When I wake up in the morning I feel almost back to normal. It isn’t until around mid afternoon that the depression creeps in and it usually lightens up a few hours before I go to bed.
When I get really down I come to bluelight. I know people say it's best to stay away from the forums but reading everyone's stories really helps me cope especially when they’re recovery stories. Just knowing that I'm not alone has made a world of difference in my recovery so thank you to everyone who has posted their experience. I would love to hear from other people who had a similar experience from a relatively low dose. it really blows my mind that I had this strong a reaction to half a pill. granted I don't know the exact dose I was given and although I was told it had been tested and was pure I did not see the results myself still it scares me to know that a tiny little pill can have this much impact on my brain chemistry. As always I would love to hear from people who have gone through this and recovered but please save the negativity it's hard enough to go through this without people saying you deserve what you got or it's all in your head (seriously if it was all in our heads why are there so many people with similar symptoms that happened to start after taking MDMA) Anyway thanks for reading and if you're going through this my heart goes out to you.
