Last night I called my daughter after I made a promise to her at our visit on Tuesday. The person she's with wouldn't put her on the phone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. She's pulled this in the past many times, so I wanted to hear it from Syl. She did than put her on the phone long enough to say that and I love you, than CLICK.
I left the NA meeting I was in to call her and I am very thankful that they let me share about it afterwards. It did keep me from running right down there to make sure Syl was okay but shit when I call tonight and if I get the same answer I can't say I wouldn't do just that anyway.
I know that close family wise I'm all that she has left. Before that bitch (my sister) took her she never had the time for Syl, wouldn't even play with her.
There's these insane, vile and very dark thoughts in my head. I don't just want to SI I want it to be fucking over with, if everything I touch goes to hell. Ending in me losing everyone I care about or love than I'm ready and totally at peace with it too. I know it would hurt Syl and my mom but how much pain can I endure?
I have no where to go, everything that isn't gone is slipping away. Right through my finger..should I laugh and wave goodbye?!
Five more days...
Again I'm alone, yeah it was me that fucked up and bad this time but I would've stayed and worked things out with you. I need you in so many ways right now and hugging you last night just felt distant and tense. Like you couldn't wait for me to let go.
Now before I go on I want to say this may be in my head and being blown up beyond what it is but it's how I feel so shouldn't that count?
I asked if you were happy with me, you couldn't answer. I asked if we could try again and I'm sorry if you did answer I was crying to hard to hear your voice. But I need you right now...
~+~
I'm not saying this to make ANYONE feel anyway, I just need to get out whats inside.
In simple honest words I wanna die. When I think about when I had planned to do it I feel at peace. I know it's selfish that I'd hurt a few people but I thought I had already lost everything than to have this glimmer of hope enter my life and maybe it would have worked maybe not, but there was never a real chance. I'm hitting overload here and I can't take anymore pain. Not in the next five days.
I've thought about everything from committing myself, moving away for a few weeks so no one can find me (course I damn well know where that will lead), going to friends in Philly (that'll lead to using, which for some insane reason is the last thing I want to do), going back home where it all started, to simply sleeping in the fucking park. I can't go back to my "home" drinks everywhere, I'd be out in a heart beat for some coke, anything I could fit into a needle.
This is a plea for you to help me again, you've given so much when the one thing I desperately want you can't even try. And you know what kills me, I understand. It's not what I would have done but your still here for me when I need you, without even thing about it. I know you care, I guess it's the addict in my that says, "if you care that much, than care enough to try..please".
I don't want to come off as controlling and think what you want.
I've lost so much and right now that was the push I knew was coming.
I left the NA meeting I was in to call her and I am very thankful that they let me share about it afterwards. It did keep me from running right down there to make sure Syl was okay but shit when I call tonight and if I get the same answer I can't say I wouldn't do just that anyway.
I know that close family wise I'm all that she has left. Before that bitch (my sister) took her she never had the time for Syl, wouldn't even play with her.
There's these insane, vile and very dark thoughts in my head. I don't just want to SI I want it to be fucking over with, if everything I touch goes to hell. Ending in me losing everyone I care about or love than I'm ready and totally at peace with it too. I know it would hurt Syl and my mom but how much pain can I endure?
I have no where to go, everything that isn't gone is slipping away. Right through my finger..should I laugh and wave goodbye?!
Five more days...
Again I'm alone, yeah it was me that fucked up and bad this time but I would've stayed and worked things out with you. I need you in so many ways right now and hugging you last night just felt distant and tense. Like you couldn't wait for me to let go.
Now before I go on I want to say this may be in my head and being blown up beyond what it is but it's how I feel so shouldn't that count?
I asked if you were happy with me, you couldn't answer. I asked if we could try again and I'm sorry if you did answer I was crying to hard to hear your voice. But I need you right now...
~+~
I'm not saying this to make ANYONE feel anyway, I just need to get out whats inside.
In simple honest words I wanna die. When I think about when I had planned to do it I feel at peace. I know it's selfish that I'd hurt a few people but I thought I had already lost everything than to have this glimmer of hope enter my life and maybe it would have worked maybe not, but there was never a real chance. I'm hitting overload here and I can't take anymore pain. Not in the next five days.
I've thought about everything from committing myself, moving away for a few weeks so no one can find me (course I damn well know where that will lead), going to friends in Philly (that'll lead to using, which for some insane reason is the last thing I want to do), going back home where it all started, to simply sleeping in the fucking park. I can't go back to my "home" drinks everywhere, I'd be out in a heart beat for some coke, anything I could fit into a needle.
This is a plea for you to help me again, you've given so much when the one thing I desperately want you can't even try. And you know what kills me, I understand. It's not what I would have done but your still here for me when I need you, without even thing about it. I know you care, I guess it's the addict in my that says, "if you care that much, than care enough to try..please".
I don't want to come off as controlling and think what you want.
I've lost so much and right now that was the push I knew was coming.