1 & 1/2 Months Later - Still Feeling Off

[timerunning]

Hey everyone,

So basically, I took MDMA for the first time ever back in September. I took two pills, one at 6pm, another at 830pm (because I still wasn't feeling the effects of the first one.) At 9:30pm, I started feeling the effects and started freaking out, I hated the feeling of it and got very panicky. A whole group of others took the same pills and were fine so it was basically just my reaction. We went home and I went to bed.

The next day, I was definitely feeling off and not that well, very space and out of it. I went to bed at 6pm and slept until the next day.

The day after, I was feeling pretty ok, back to normal for the most part. I decided to smoke marijuana, cause I am used to that and used to all the time. However, after I took like, 3 hits of the joint, it basically felt like my brain reset to two days ago when I took the E. I was freaking out and forced myself to bed.

For that first week, I had ZERO appetite. Everything made me want to throw up. I had to force myself to eat. I had crazy depression, like I have never had before.

The second week, my appetite returned thank goodness. But my stomach was hurting like crazy and had crazy knots all in it of anxiety and was just very much hurting.

The third week, my stomach felt better but that's when I pretty much had constant anxiety. My brain would be foggy, I would be out of it all the time. I felt like I was walking in a daze for the most part and wasn't looking forward to anything.

The fourth week, I started to feel a little bit better but the anxiety was still there. I went to a counseling session, but they basically just listened and didn't really give me much advice.

These last two weeks have pretty much been the same. The fog on my brain has eased up some but now, I will get very panicky for no reason. I'll just be chilling and be in a panic. And it's really hard to look forward to anything cause I think, I'm going to be panicky and not enjoy myself. I still feel mildly depressed, like it's clinic and not just sadness. Almost like I messed something up in my brain. And the fact that I haven't been drinking or looking forward to hanging out with people is definitely not how I usually am. I don't know if I am in a funk cause I had such a bad reaction and now I can't get myself out of it or if it is chemically induced.

Before I took the MDMA, I NEVER had feelings of anxiety or panicky-ness. (Well, past the normal extent that everyone does.) I feel like my life is altered and it's scaring the hell out of me. I never used to be like this and I don't feel like me.

I also haven't been doing anything substance wise. I have not smoked marijuana since the two days after the E and in the span of a month and a half, I've had one beer, which made me feel all depressed and crazy afterwards. I just want to get back to my normal life.

I am waiting to hopefully have an intact with a psychiatrist and see if they can help me in any way. The last thing I would want to do is go on meds, again, I've never had any issues with mental issues in my life before and the thought that I do now cause of one night makes me so regretful. I had no idea the MDMA pills would have this effect on me and I have no idea how to move past it.

The only thing I've taken is the 5-HTP (I took it twice a day for a week after I took the E pills and then again for a week the 3rd week) and I took B12 for a week as well. I think I'm going to try and take the B12 again (can't hurt). But I just have no idea if the E messed something up in my brain that can only be fixed with actual meds, or if herbal pills can help, or if I will just gradually get better on my own or if I am just stuck like this forever, which in that case, I really can't even bear the thought.

Any advice would really be appreciated. I feel like no one I've talked to has had this happen from their first time ever taking E. Also, some background, no one in my family has mental health issues, I NEVER have had them before the E, I don't usually have any sort of uppers (The only drugs I have done are marijuana and like, prescription pills, like Vicodin). I don't even have caffeine usually (Hate coffee.) I've never had any adverse affect to alcohol, I definitely am a drinker (except for this past month and a half) and that's always been fine. And I've never been clinically depressed. I've been sad depressed of course, like after a break up or something, but it's NEVER been like how I've been feeling lately.

Thanks for listening everyone. Again, any incite would help.

 

[HillsofFoot]

Sounds like an anxiety attack to me. Are you sure what you took was MDMA and not something else?

 

[timerunning]

Yes, it was def MDMA. 4 other people took it, some more pills than me, and they are all fine. I almost wonder if it gave me like, General Anxiety Disorder or something. This just really is awful.

 

[First Bad Comedown]

Timerunning -
It is possible that one of your tabs was different than the others in the group.
The process of making MDMA is very complex, and MDA is a more toxic by product that is often found in MDMA.
That being said, many people take high doses of MDA without such a reaction.
It is even possible that your pill had something else in it, but resembled those given to everyone else.

However, MDMA in its pure form - is still a neurotoxin.

It is very rare for a user to experience such a bad reaction the FIRST time.
But it is not impossible.

Re-dosing increased the risk, and it is possible that the two doses interacted in an unexpected way.
You may have suffered serotonin syndrome, esp. if one of the tabs had another substance in it.
Had you been Pre-loading with 5-HTP?
Any St. John's Wort? No other meds....like tramadol?

I will assume that the answer is no to each of those questions.

I am almost a year into recovery, and I was a moderate user - only reaching 30 tabs lifetime exposure.
Some people take hundreds of pills before quitting, but they often take months to realize the damage they have done.
Others have bad reactions early on - you are a remarkable exception.

There is no way to know what was in your tabs without a test kit.
But assuming it was MDMA...

Research shows that even long-term heavy users with major anxiety, tend to recover within 1 year.
18 months to 2 years is the upper end, with only the most unlucky taking longer.

My experience tells me that you will likely recover within another month or two.
But if not, you are probably in this for 12 months.

Good news - it gets easier.
For me, the first 2 months were unbelievably hard!
My gut was fucked up to the point of losing weight.
My anxiety was through the roof, esp. if I ate.
My vision was off....sleep was without rest.
And orgasm no longer existed!

It was bad, but by month 4 I knew I would make it.
By 6 months, I was quite functional.
Even now I still have mild anxiety...but progress seems to slow down as time goes on.

Research shows that during the first month, more receptor sites in the serotonin network are established than in any other month!
The brains ability to recover is quite impressive, early on.
That is why the anxiety is so crippling.

As time goes on, progress slows down more and more.
The process is said to be 'protracted', meaning a protractor is need to chart the recovery curve.
It is also called a 'reorganization' of the ascending serotonin network - meaning it is being rewired from the back of the head towards the face. The brain regions closer to the face are very important for emotional and cognitive function, and they are the last to be restored.

Lots of different lines of research point to the 1-2 year timeline.
But I have seen many young users on BL complaining about problems, only to be OK by month 3.
Beyond this, the trend is one year.
But that is a 'trend'...other results are still possible.

Your best bet, other than a very healthy diet, is to exercise!
Working out releases a protein in the brain known as BDNF, which stimulates STEM cells.
It also causes sprouting of serotonin axons!

So keep that in mind.
Exercising even 10 minutes a day, always made me feel amazing relief - esp. after several days of repetition.
It is your best bet.

No matter what, you will be OK one day.
Even the people that really get fucked up by MDMA tend to be fine after enough time.
Your reaction is rare, but there isn't much you can do to figure out why.

 

[ProxxyLynx]

If you do have Anxiety Disorder (and I have no idea if you do or not),
you did not get it from the MDxx.
That is not how it works.
You give yourself anxiety disorder by thinking something is wrong with you that's not.
As I said, I don't know if it's anxiety or an actual problem, but if it is anxiety it isn't MDxx's fault.

 

[AfterGlow]

I've had pills lab tested that experienced rollers who took them claimed were definitely MDMA, and they turned out to be meth/ephedrine bombs with zero mdxx. You either had an atypical reaction or else the pills were not just mdxx.

 

[timerunning]

Yes, I did take 5-HTP twice a day the first week, skipped a week, then once a day the third week. I stopped cause I didn't think it was doing anything.

Other than B12, I haven't been taking anything. I'm kind of scared to take anything. I don't know why this happened to me, maybe it was the 2 pills, the mixing of marijuana two days later, I have no idea, and I guess I'll never know.

I just don't know what my next step would be. Just waiting it out more ... taking something, I don't know. This is so hard to handle and it's effecting my daily life. Not to the extreme it was in the first couple of weeks afterwards but definitely is hindering my activities and what I do and my motivation. And plus, I cry a lot cause this is so upsetting to me to go through this.

I can't imagine this lasting for a year. Obviously my body is one of those "rare" cases so I just don't have a method of "recovery" cause I am just so clueless. I feel like this experience tainted me and it will be so hard to get back to "normal."