$0.67 Nostalgia *critique welcome!*

[Raz]

Hi everyone!

It's been a while since I have been around and I have been focusing more on my art than my writing these days, but I did this piece tonight for submission to an anthology, so I wouldn't mind some feedback on it if anyone is so inclined.

The brief was to write a piece related to cooking or food, and I thought I might turn it on its head a bit and write about a time of my life when I was spending all my cash on substances other than food and living on instant noodles. 8)

I will say straight up I don't like the repeating lines that close it....I think I kind of use that as a crutch when I can't think of a way to end a piece. I am open to suggestions.

Anyway, I will stop crapping on....piece follows:

**********

two minutes is time enough
to remember eating
nothing but cakes of noodle
by day
pills and speed
by night
chemical-tasting cardboard
washed down with booze
the air filled with smoke
and heat
good times and bad
a piping bowl of memory
with little more substance
than boiled water
then it's gone
and only powder remains

we're grown up now
we're grown up now

 

[lostNfound]

And then the curtains close, credits roll; but no clapping. In place, an empty sadness and forgotten memories and ideals. Recalling a forlorn sense of a younger self in years gone by..... Where did the time go.
I wish I'd taken better care, if only for the selfish intention to ensure the promise of an unbroken mind and healthy body.
Reminiscing at the cost of $0.67, all this tells me is how cheap my memories are; life on a budget.
Nostalgia or simply Noir, Ramen or Reefer or Ice without the Cream.
In the future, looking back fence sitting is a fine art but any other option no matter how good or bad inspires living, real living.
What is food but the air we breathe and the experience that make shape and create our lives anyway.

You inspired me a little with this one :D

A misspent youth fallen by the wayside or........ what else is there?
There's only one way, neither right or wrong. So long as it's your own. That's all that matters, own it; make it your own.

 

[thujone]

i love how visceral this piece is. i also enjoyed the ending. the first "we're grown up now" is like making a statement that all that has passed and the second is like revealing the silent affirmation you've made to yourself, as if you were unsure of your resolve but repeating it to give it finality.

 

[Raz]

lostnfound: Holy crap dude, way to blow me out of the water!!! LOL...that's awesome, bravo! :D

thujone, this

the first "we're grown up now" is like making a statement that all that has passed and the second is like revealing the silent affirmation you've made to yourself, as if you were unsure of your resolve but repeating it to give it finality.

is exactly what I was hoping for!

Thanks guys!!