CharsScars
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2024
- Messages
- 15
Hi everyone! 
I've lurked for a very very long time. Long before the domain name was changed and before links broke, going back to the ".net" days. I'm an "early internet" user, and when I say that, I mean early, in the sense that I was on BBS'es way back when, then the on the various silo'ed communities, USENET, AOL, CompuServe, IRC, etc. (Ah the days when you could tell what speed your connection was just by the sounds your MODEM made when negotiating....or having to install a TCP stack on Windows 3.x because it didn't have one, Trumpet Winsock FTW).
So, I've lurked here for a long time, but never said hello, and have used a different username in the past. The reasons are complicated, ironically enough!
Over my life I've been in some extraordinarily severe accidents that have left me with truly traumatic injuries, dating all the way back to my early childhood. I lamented at times that I didn't really even know what it was like to be normal and feel no pain.
Additionally, being a in the middle of Gen X, it was a bit vogue to begin medicating kids with methylphenidate, and so in the early and mid 80s, that's what happened to me. "We love you, but it's certainly easier to love you when you're medicated!" (for the record, those are hard things to forget...but whatever)
(Let me just say, I've never had a car accident where I was driving, and I ALWAYS wear my seat belt, etc!!)
I compressed my spine with accidents on trampolines (who didn't, but sadly, mine snapped, but thanks to God, I was still able to walk!), and in a pool (THAT one required a hospital, and a significant recovery. Cracked skull, plus more! but yeah, at least I'm not paralyzed, thank God!), multiple car accidents (which I wasn't driving, and oh.....man.....the Chiropractor discovered my extremely severe scoliosis, but unfortunately, after every visit to their office, I walked in but barely limped/crawled out....but they kept taking that sweet sweet insurance money with no real treatment plan. To this day, I'm convinced that their treatments made my spine far worse than it ever was before. By the end of their 15-20 treatments, I was in such significant pain (in my mid teens, mind you!), that I could BARELY walk, move, stand, limp, etc! It took me six months to recover from their treatments and I'm convinced that they harmed me worse than they helped me! The only good they did was discover my exceedingly severe scoliosis!
Fast forward to the next car accident in my teens, car 100% totaled. Front of car was completely smashed beyond recognition!. Top half of my body ended up partially through the windshield, including my head, shoulders, chest. It also crushed part of my body, shattering some of my bones. I therefore have rods and screws. Femur and more. :clap:
It took me a while to learn how to walk again. But I did. They told me that there was a small chance I might never walk again. And that it would take at least a year. I stubbornly didn't listen. I was walking painfully in 6 weeks. This took a tremendous amount of pain meds! While I was hospitalized, morphine wasn't enough (and it made me itch). I foolishly added morphine to my allergies
. However, I was switched to Demerol, which was UTTERLY FANTASTIC! (And apparently they don't use anymore, which has made me sad....)
To make it through my recovery, I can't even remember what I was on orally, but I can tell you that it was barely enough. I do remember that at times, it did help me pass out, and that was appreciated. I was loopy at times, and at other times, I was in significant pain. It was a crap shoot. When I would stand, the fluid would fill my upper leg with the femur, and that would make me scream, because of the swelling. Yay swelling. If only someone had listened and given me some diuretics, that would have likely solved the problem. But sure, don't listen to the screaming teenager. Just tell him "you need to do it anyway"...
(I forgot about the other back injuries caused by sports, but....needless to say, a few back disc injuries, BMX bike injuries, skateboard injuries, flipping go-carts at 50mph, and more
)
Throughout my 20s and 30s, I wondered what "normal" felt like as I watched those around me do things I was unable to do, due to injury and pain. I kept most pain at bay with truly significant amounts of over-the-counter painkillers (ibuprofen, aspirin, tylenol), It didn't really work. I was in tears often.
In my youth, I was accused of selling ritalin at school. I don't want to confirm this, but I MAAAAAY have done so. I hated it with such fiery passion. Being told that I was easier to love when I was on it.....that's hurtful. Making the pills disappear....I can't confirm what happened to them. Maybe I took them. I can definitely confirm that I had them in my possession.
I overdosed on tylenol (at least 15 x 500mg or more.....) once out of.....self-hatred. I can tell you....for being a medication to relieve headaches....that gives you one hell of a headache!
I borrowed medications from my parents freely, including sleeping pills and anti-depressants (best sleep I've ever had....including the just "transition from sleep to awake and simply open my eyes gently"!), either amitriptyline, or nortriptyline! There was valium, klonopin, and others around. And we were allowed free access to alcohol as long as we didn't abuse it. There were others that I just can't remember right now!
Then, a few years before the pandemic, I was in a life-changing accident that made the others look......like vacations!
Ha! A rollover! I was crushed. My entire torso and chest was shattered! I broke everything and then some! My ribs, my sternum, my back, and everything in between! I was bleeding from my head! I was bleeding from my groin! I couldn't see! I couldn't hear! I couldn't breathe!
This one was very bad! I had shattered my spine in multiple places, crushed my ribcage, and torn holes in my side (literally....if it wasn't for my SKIN, my internal organs would have actually spilled out on the ground when the paramedics were putting me on the backboard! We came to find out that my skin was the only thing keeping that from happening! I had/have a huge hole in my abdominal wall, almost a foot "square", and it has been repaired several times, think of it like a hernia). I broke almost a dozen a ribs and in several places, and almost a dozen vertebrae, some of them completely crushed, and yet MERCIFULLY I was still not paralyzed! However, the pain is EXTREME! It has taken surgery after surgery after surgery, and I'm still in agonizing pain, and it's getting worse, not better! I recently had complete neurological failure of my leg (couldn't move it or feel it) for an entire month. No idea why!
For the last several years, I've been on the strongest pain meds that they prescribe. It's been a long journey, but my RX's have been stabled except for a recent increase (I fought HARD to go DOWN actually, years ago!).
I'm on Fentanyl (100mg patch, q48hr), Hydromrphone (tablets, 2mg 8 per day), and Muscle Relaxers (Tablets). I fight hard NOT to end up increasing it!
I've ended up on Ketamine (last year), but they were primarily an infusion clinic, and out of state, so it didn't work out! I'm searching for another sublingual clinic, as I was on 1,000mg sublingual 2 x per week! IT was helping me so much!
I have avoided street drugs for so long, but I bought some racemic ketamine recently. I also recently started using my Dilaudid tablets via injection.
I'm allowed to use as much Dilaudid as I like. Take 15 in a day if I like! My prescriber doesn't care. I'm told "just don't be in pain". There's a lot of flexibility, thanks to God. But the injections is new. I crush them (with a Silent Knight), add 1ml of Sterile water per mg, shake the water and fine powder in the crush bag, draw it up into a syringe, perform a CWE via pushing this through a 0.22um wheel filter into another clean/new syringe, or vial, and then inject the completely clear mix into vein of choice. Again, 1ml per 1mg. Sometimes I'll have given myself an IV already and use the existing IV, but I'm finding my IVs last about 4 days before I end up with superficial thrombophlebitis. Essentially I'm clotting pretty easily and while taking aspirin and other OTC "blood thinners" helps some, I end up taking out the IVs before the clots form. Sadly I don't have any Heparin.
I've been doing this because of pain. Not because of any other reason, but because of pain. Sadly, I don't seem to be able to metabolize but a certain amount of hydromorphone orally. The same seems to apply to fentanyl (transdermally).
I'm aware that the bioavailability of transdermal fentanyl is something like 97%.
I've tested this, and there's a limit to what I can metabolize for some reason. I've taken 3 dilaudid orally, when in extreme pain. And I've taken 6-7 dilaudid. And unfortunately, taking 6-7 is just a waste of dilaudid. There seems to be a cut-off point. However, if I take 2-3, and then take 2-3 30-45 minutes later, that is more effective, and my pain decreases accordingly.
I can be in enough pain to barely be able to understand those around me and what they're saying, and unfortunately, "taking more pills" just doesn't help. Nor does it have any psychoactive effect (get me high).
The same seems to apply to my Fentanyl patches. One time, super early on, we forgot to take one off when we put one on, and we went to the emergency room for an accidental overdose! That, as it has turned out, was absolutely not necessary! We have regularly overlapped patches, and find that it makes no difference if we overlap them, or if we take them off immediately. We've even applied two of the patches at the same time by accident (forgot that we did it!), and, one would think I would be in less pain! But no, ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL! Again, it seems there's some limit to how much I can metabolize!
Similarly, everyone that I know takes some of these CBD gummies that we have that are full spectrum (meaning that they have 12mg of Delta-9 THC each gummy). Every single person I know that takes one or two has a psychoactive effect. Every person. We tell people start with one, two maximum. I've had as many as TEN (that's 120mg of THC!), with absolutely NO EFFECT whatsoever! All of our family members get super high on 1.5-2 of them. One family member was incredibly high, so high as to be incredibly sick because they took 4 of them. We warned them not to!
I'm thinking I need to get an MRI of my brain! After so many head injuries and the severe migraines that I get, perhaps there's something very VERY wrong with me!
As to the ketamine that I bought from a "trusted source", I haven't used it yet, because I intend to test it with reagent tests. Once I do that and I'm relatively confident that it's "good to go", I intend to inject it as well. It's racemic ketamine, and ketamine is the "one thing" that takes most of my pain away aside from physical intimacy (which is a true gift from God!).
Right now, I'm considering extracting Fentanyl from some of my older unused patches (to take pain away!), considering some of my leftover Tramadol, leftover MS-Contin, and many other things that I have if any of them can help (though I probably will give my veins a rest!
I have Gabapentin, (accidental! someone with my name!) Methylphenidate, Lyrica, Valium, Hydrocodone, Baclofen, Tizanidine, Cyclobenzaprine, Meloxicam, Diclofenac, Trazadone, Fentanyl (patches), Hydromorphone (tablets), Ketamine (racemic)
I just want to say thank you for this resource!
I've lurked for a very very long time. Long before the domain name was changed and before links broke, going back to the ".net" days. I'm an "early internet" user, and when I say that, I mean early, in the sense that I was on BBS'es way back when, then the on the various silo'ed communities, USENET, AOL, CompuServe, IRC, etc. (Ah the days when you could tell what speed your connection was just by the sounds your MODEM made when negotiating....or having to install a TCP stack on Windows 3.x because it didn't have one, Trumpet Winsock FTW).
So, I've lurked here for a long time, but never said hello, and have used a different username in the past. The reasons are complicated, ironically enough!
Over my life I've been in some extraordinarily severe accidents that have left me with truly traumatic injuries, dating all the way back to my early childhood. I lamented at times that I didn't really even know what it was like to be normal and feel no pain.
Additionally, being a in the middle of Gen X, it was a bit vogue to begin medicating kids with methylphenidate, and so in the early and mid 80s, that's what happened to me. "We love you, but it's certainly easier to love you when you're medicated!" (for the record, those are hard things to forget...but whatever)
(Let me just say, I've never had a car accident where I was driving, and I ALWAYS wear my seat belt, etc!!)
I compressed my spine with accidents on trampolines (who didn't, but sadly, mine snapped, but thanks to God, I was still able to walk!), and in a pool (THAT one required a hospital, and a significant recovery. Cracked skull, plus more! but yeah, at least I'm not paralyzed, thank God!), multiple car accidents (which I wasn't driving, and oh.....man.....the Chiropractor discovered my extremely severe scoliosis, but unfortunately, after every visit to their office, I walked in but barely limped/crawled out....but they kept taking that sweet sweet insurance money with no real treatment plan. To this day, I'm convinced that their treatments made my spine far worse than it ever was before. By the end of their 15-20 treatments, I was in such significant pain (in my mid teens, mind you!), that I could BARELY walk, move, stand, limp, etc! It took me six months to recover from their treatments and I'm convinced that they harmed me worse than they helped me! The only good they did was discover my exceedingly severe scoliosis!
Fast forward to the next car accident in my teens, car 100% totaled. Front of car was completely smashed beyond recognition!. Top half of my body ended up partially through the windshield, including my head, shoulders, chest. It also crushed part of my body, shattering some of my bones. I therefore have rods and screws. Femur and more. :clap:
It took me a while to learn how to walk again. But I did. They told me that there was a small chance I might never walk again. And that it would take at least a year. I stubbornly didn't listen. I was walking painfully in 6 weeks. This took a tremendous amount of pain meds! While I was hospitalized, morphine wasn't enough (and it made me itch). I foolishly added morphine to my allergies
. However, I was switched to Demerol, which was UTTERLY FANTASTIC! (And apparently they don't use anymore, which has made me sad....)To make it through my recovery, I can't even remember what I was on orally, but I can tell you that it was barely enough. I do remember that at times, it did help me pass out, and that was appreciated. I was loopy at times, and at other times, I was in significant pain. It was a crap shoot. When I would stand, the fluid would fill my upper leg with the femur, and that would make me scream, because of the swelling. Yay swelling. If only someone had listened and given me some diuretics, that would have likely solved the problem. But sure, don't listen to the screaming teenager. Just tell him "you need to do it anyway"...
(I forgot about the other back injuries caused by sports, but....needless to say, a few back disc injuries, BMX bike injuries, skateboard injuries, flipping go-carts at 50mph, and more
)Throughout my 20s and 30s, I wondered what "normal" felt like as I watched those around me do things I was unable to do, due to injury and pain. I kept most pain at bay with truly significant amounts of over-the-counter painkillers (ibuprofen, aspirin, tylenol), It didn't really work. I was in tears often.
In my youth, I was accused of selling ritalin at school. I don't want to confirm this, but I MAAAAAY have done so. I hated it with such fiery passion. Being told that I was easier to love when I was on it.....that's hurtful. Making the pills disappear....I can't confirm what happened to them. Maybe I took them. I can definitely confirm that I had them in my possession.
I overdosed on tylenol (at least 15 x 500mg or more.....) once out of.....self-hatred. I can tell you....for being a medication to relieve headaches....that gives you one hell of a headache!
I borrowed medications from my parents freely, including sleeping pills and anti-depressants (best sleep I've ever had....including the just "transition from sleep to awake and simply open my eyes gently"!), either amitriptyline, or nortriptyline! There was valium, klonopin, and others around. And we were allowed free access to alcohol as long as we didn't abuse it. There were others that I just can't remember right now!
Then, a few years before the pandemic, I was in a life-changing accident that made the others look......like vacations!
Ha! A rollover! I was crushed. My entire torso and chest was shattered! I broke everything and then some! My ribs, my sternum, my back, and everything in between! I was bleeding from my head! I was bleeding from my groin! I couldn't see! I couldn't hear! I couldn't breathe!
This one was very bad! I had shattered my spine in multiple places, crushed my ribcage, and torn holes in my side (literally....if it wasn't for my SKIN, my internal organs would have actually spilled out on the ground when the paramedics were putting me on the backboard! We came to find out that my skin was the only thing keeping that from happening! I had/have a huge hole in my abdominal wall, almost a foot "square", and it has been repaired several times, think of it like a hernia). I broke almost a dozen a ribs and in several places, and almost a dozen vertebrae, some of them completely crushed, and yet MERCIFULLY I was still not paralyzed! However, the pain is EXTREME! It has taken surgery after surgery after surgery, and I'm still in agonizing pain, and it's getting worse, not better! I recently had complete neurological failure of my leg (couldn't move it or feel it) for an entire month. No idea why!
For the last several years, I've been on the strongest pain meds that they prescribe. It's been a long journey, but my RX's have been stabled except for a recent increase (I fought HARD to go DOWN actually, years ago!).
I'm on Fentanyl (100mg patch, q48hr), Hydromrphone (tablets, 2mg 8 per day), and Muscle Relaxers (Tablets). I fight hard NOT to end up increasing it!
I've ended up on Ketamine (last year), but they were primarily an infusion clinic, and out of state, so it didn't work out! I'm searching for another sublingual clinic, as I was on 1,000mg sublingual 2 x per week! IT was helping me so much!
I have avoided street drugs for so long, but I bought some racemic ketamine recently. I also recently started using my Dilaudid tablets via injection.
I'm allowed to use as much Dilaudid as I like. Take 15 in a day if I like! My prescriber doesn't care. I'm told "just don't be in pain". There's a lot of flexibility, thanks to God. But the injections is new. I crush them (with a Silent Knight), add 1ml of Sterile water per mg, shake the water and fine powder in the crush bag, draw it up into a syringe, perform a CWE via pushing this through a 0.22um wheel filter into another clean/new syringe, or vial, and then inject the completely clear mix into vein of choice. Again, 1ml per 1mg. Sometimes I'll have given myself an IV already and use the existing IV, but I'm finding my IVs last about 4 days before I end up with superficial thrombophlebitis. Essentially I'm clotting pretty easily and while taking aspirin and other OTC "blood thinners" helps some, I end up taking out the IVs before the clots form. Sadly I don't have any Heparin.
I've been doing this because of pain. Not because of any other reason, but because of pain. Sadly, I don't seem to be able to metabolize but a certain amount of hydromorphone orally. The same seems to apply to fentanyl (transdermally).
I'm aware that the bioavailability of transdermal fentanyl is something like 97%.
I've tested this, and there's a limit to what I can metabolize for some reason. I've taken 3 dilaudid orally, when in extreme pain. And I've taken 6-7 dilaudid. And unfortunately, taking 6-7 is just a waste of dilaudid. There seems to be a cut-off point. However, if I take 2-3, and then take 2-3 30-45 minutes later, that is more effective, and my pain decreases accordingly.
I can be in enough pain to barely be able to understand those around me and what they're saying, and unfortunately, "taking more pills" just doesn't help. Nor does it have any psychoactive effect (get me high).
The same seems to apply to my Fentanyl patches. One time, super early on, we forgot to take one off when we put one on, and we went to the emergency room for an accidental overdose! That, as it has turned out, was absolutely not necessary! We have regularly overlapped patches, and find that it makes no difference if we overlap them, or if we take them off immediately. We've even applied two of the patches at the same time by accident (forgot that we did it!), and, one would think I would be in less pain! But no, ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL! Again, it seems there's some limit to how much I can metabolize!
Similarly, everyone that I know takes some of these CBD gummies that we have that are full spectrum (meaning that they have 12mg of Delta-9 THC each gummy). Every single person I know that takes one or two has a psychoactive effect. Every person. We tell people start with one, two maximum. I've had as many as TEN (that's 120mg of THC!), with absolutely NO EFFECT whatsoever! All of our family members get super high on 1.5-2 of them. One family member was incredibly high, so high as to be incredibly sick because they took 4 of them. We warned them not to!
I'm thinking I need to get an MRI of my brain! After so many head injuries and the severe migraines that I get, perhaps there's something very VERY wrong with me!
As to the ketamine that I bought from a "trusted source", I haven't used it yet, because I intend to test it with reagent tests. Once I do that and I'm relatively confident that it's "good to go", I intend to inject it as well. It's racemic ketamine, and ketamine is the "one thing" that takes most of my pain away aside from physical intimacy (which is a true gift from God!).
Right now, I'm considering extracting Fentanyl from some of my older unused patches (to take pain away!), considering some of my leftover Tramadol, leftover MS-Contin, and many other things that I have if any of them can help (though I probably will give my veins a rest!
I have Gabapentin, (accidental! someone with my name!) Methylphenidate, Lyrica, Valium, Hydrocodone, Baclofen, Tizanidine, Cyclobenzaprine, Meloxicam, Diclofenac, Trazadone, Fentanyl (patches), Hydromorphone (tablets), Ketamine (racemic)
I just want to say thank you for this resource!
