I was a pretty bright, but ADD ridden guy, who was smart enough to still pass high school by having the record for no-shows at school that year. College was a slap in the face to me, no longer could I breeze through life irresponsibly. I was doing lsd, shrooms, and smoking weed/oil sparsely and was the first person I know to get the internet. So before trying stuff, I had read long and hard about them on Erowid, usenet and some other sites like lycaeum and others I forget. I had no interest in painkillers and it wasn't very popular at all in my hometown to do opiates. I was scripted some empracets 30mg for an injury to my tailbone by falling down from my skateboard but that was it, I tried the CWE tactic even though it wasn't needed on empracets, heh.
Then sometimes later just during when I was getting a hang of college and collecting good grades I was given a blotter from a person different from ALL the other hits I had in my life. Turned out to be DOB (it was some years before DOC,DOI showed up, and the info I gathered later made me know it was DOB with a bit of PCP thrown in on those particular card symbols blotter (I had a square, there were hearts, spades etc.). Hell's were known to cut their liquid lsd with liquid pcp for a small period of time, I don't think the pcp mattered much, even if i ate 1-2mg of it on the blotter, it is surely not that that made me lose my shit for 30 hours. The whole time spent alone, trying to reach friends who were all unavailable. When I started to come down a little (26 hours later) I was at my friend's house and felt my head sort of spasms and I felt something wrong with me. I can't prove what it is but I felt dumber for a couple years. A lot of physical exercise, both weights and cardio for a whole year intensely repaired more than I could expect.
But then an injury I had done to myself at my 18 years old birthday at a hardcore punk (some guy was windmilling in a circle pit, I was tired and trying to get out of the circle pit, but that guy hit me with his fist (by accident ofc) straight on my left jawbone. 3/4 into my BS in college I start having incredible pains there, exacerbated by the Ritalin I got for myself for maybe 3 months max, it made the jaw pain worse. It took a very long time to realize what was going on with me. I met a Maxilliofacial specialist dentist who told me my left jaw had tmj disorder and that he would refer me to a neurologist because some facial nerves were probably damaged from that accident. It is strange how it took about 5 years to show up as a terrible problem..at first I was knocked and almost fell but didn't and then felt alright, except for my bite feeling off at the mcdonalds afterward and a little piece of a tooth coming out of my mouth.e
So enters the benzos due to my life failing due to this extremely painful condition, I already had issues with ocular migraines and tubular dysfunction usually on the same damn side I got hurt. First it was just .25mg xanax twice a day. I took that for 4 weeks and I felt better, finishing a semester, only had 2 to go and I was done. I was scripted Temazepam 30mg/60mg at night for sporadic insomnia caused by muscle tightness/spasms in my jaw. My maxillofacial, last time I met him scripted me Empracet 30's in a rather large quantity because the naproxen wasn't doing shit, I needed something for crisis situations, he wrote me the script not too happily, i didnt mention anything special other than "isn't there something I could use when I get pain flares and I am in no mood/no time/important things happening that I couldn't cancel etc. Been almost 7 years I take benzos daily...I don't need them anymore mentally but my body says otherwise..
So I get a script for 3 refills of 60 Empracet 30's (30mg codeine/300mg apap). I'm a great codeine metaboliser, and I would never just take 30-60mg, it wasn't enough, I needed around 180mg to kill the pain. So no problem, it's what I took. Fast-forward years later, I am still not addicted to opiates but def know them and would take any chance of getting some if a doctor would allow it.
Somehow the pain started to be a lot less bad suddenly, maybe that mouth guard made for wearing at night the dentist made me did something, I doubt it, and the neurologist is all but useless, topamax made me feel retarded and triptans do nothing. Once he scripted me 12 oxycodans (canadian generic percodans, the brand name doesn't even exist anymore here I think) but that was it. Still not asking for anything. I start to get into freebasing cocaine right off the bat, somebody I knew had a 3.5g of awesome quality fishscale he was turning himself into freebase to smoke. DAT EUPHORIA. I get his contact's number and we meet just once, cos he uses delivery guys, he trusts me, for 6 months he made a fortune off my ass and many others but with cocaine of that quality, turning into totally uncut and almost not losing any weight (1g would turn into 0.8 of freebase), I used that thing, it made me forget about the pain since the euphoria was so fucking massive. Suddenly I start to be unable to get where I want, unless if I smoke a whole gram in 20 minutes. I fail a freebasing session cos I was drunk, it made me feel awful for wasting all that money on coke and never did it again. That was 4 years ago.
Soon after that, doctors script me Supeudol (like roxies, from sandoz in canada) but with no refills everytime I visit the ER, GP scripts me more empracets which I turn into 400mg drinks of codeine. A friend calls me because he knows that his friend, let's call him Narco, that's his nickname, for real. He went and got "his script himself" my friend tells me on the phone. I go to the place which is 3 hours away from home. Every single narcotic under the sun is available in large to medium quantity, I buy tons of Dilaudid 8's, M-Eslons 60's, Statex 10mg's like a big bag of M&M's, Codeine-Contins 200mg, Talwins, some Adderall XR (which I had never saw in Canada, its rarely dispensed ,at least around here, Cesamets, Atasols (60mg codeine/apap/caffeine), Hycodans....you get it I think.
Then the Dilaudid 8's....when I first shot a mix of that and Statex (morphine IR), I got into big trouble later on. That was 3 years and a half ago. Now I just got the sticker of drug abuser removed from my files (suboxone clinic does not even piss test me anymore). Cos at first with Methadone, I finally got what I wanted, freedom from that physical pain ruining my life since almost a decade, something doctors could have prevented, by not being douches who scripts opiates when they feel like it with no refills who won't necessarily write you a script next time you see them....being played with like a puppet like this ended up with me seeking opiates at all costs cos they got me to taste the freedom from pain I deserved as a human being. I was HAPPY to get on Methadone at first....I only switched to suboxone because methadone caused many problems in my endocrine system. But I am now getting referred to a pain clinic by the sub/methadone clinic since I have shown I am able to use opiates responsibly.
Did I have to go through all this? No. I take responsibility of shooting up. Which was a bad idea, but with Dilaudid it is so hard to just eat it thinking of what it would do if shot. Also I am one to get addicted to the ritual of it all, I should have known, I enjoyed freebasing my cocaine almost as much as I did enjoying its effects. But for the rest, I lay the blame on our opiate-fearing society for a load of wasted time taken away from my life.
Short list of addiction in order and time .
Thanks to the mod who allowed this to stay, when the Bluelight domain change happened it was impossible to edit previous posts, clicking post while in the edit box did nothing.
2000-2009 : Marijuana, all day, every day, preferably hash or hash oil, or joints with paper covered in hash oil etc.
2001-2003 : DXM, PCP, LSD every other weekend, I was one weird ass person during this period
Was sold DOB blotter, quit college and became a shut in for a year and a half (I didn't know they were DOB at the time, I know they were later when the guys selling them got arrested and shown on local news. The continuous weed smoking even if I didn't like it so much anymore was such a habit and all my friends toked so I started to fake not having panic attacks and HPPD in front of them, it almost became an art.
2003-2006 MDMA and Methbombs + chicks + partying, at first the meth and the mdma killed my anxiety it was wonderful, I've made a lot of attractive female friends during those days, I worked, I went back to college and I moved stuff....I always had wads of cash in my wallet...good times but I was still feeling extremely panicky sometimes, especially from weed smoked very late at night after having too many methbombs, snorted or otherwise. Still had LSD here and there, good LSD made me so happy and dreamy, always from the same source, no more other sources after the DOB guys.
2007-2013 : Move to other city where I don't know anybody to continue college, slowed down consumption of cannabis a lot. Found a guy who had some "mescaline" (pcp around these parts, people know it), had it in pure too but didn't sell it "pure" (20% putty) much, had to trust the other person to do so, little 15 year olds can easily end up in the ER if they handle that stuff which came on tinfoil that was folded over and over with the ball of half-liquid half-solid pcp in the middle). It made me not care about my loneliness in that city, even managed to finally smoke some pcp in controlled doses unlike americans, rolled a joint and took a butter knife and used that stuff to cover said joint, it would taste that nice weird chemical taste pcp has. Much more fun than doing it the most common way here (mescaline which is that stuff cut with lactose, to snort, but that's such a profit inducer...). Source runs dry, lose contact, he goes to jail, fuck.
Visit doctors and psychiatrists for help while stuck in this huge city where I don't know anybody : been scripted xanax 0.25mg 4 times a day with a paxil 10mg in the middle of a semester, actually helped, passed all my courses. Paxil was raised to 20mg a day, all hell broke lose, lost girlfriend I had made, lost the way to live in that apartment (really needed a roommate at least and I had a week or so to find somebody to split the bill with, called the owner, he nicely said I'm sorry for you and broke our bail no problem. I break down, as my painful condition I didn't mention in this overview, I carried a jaw/jaw articulation/nerve issue for years before it became a problem, I actually think sometimes the 12h perma-smileI got on LSD or AMT made it worse lol. Well he scripted me topamax and rivotril (clonazepam) (neurologist) after I go back to my hometown being done with my BSc. Had a modest clonazepam script of 0.5mg twice a day and the topamax I actually didn't mind, first psychiatric medication I actually enjoyed the effects of even if it made me feel a bit dumb like almost everyone who's been on it has said. I didn't know whether to go do my Master's yet (I didn't until late last year), the loneliness was fucking shit up and I started to drink a 12 pack with my clonazepam everyday for a year, but I stayed thin because of the topamax.
2008 : I buy my last LSD blotter sheet from that contact I had for most of the decade when I visit back home. I'm so sad his cell phone suddenly stopped working, I knew he would stop dealing eventually when he finished his construction classes, didn't have the courtesy..well no fuck it, he probably had over 300 customers on that cell phone. I keep the doses for as long as I can, for when I need peace and quiet, listening to music and play guitar. At that point it was impossible for me to bad trip from real 'cid, it was just a fun, nerve healing ride. Not an addiction, because duh.
Then, I was able to quit drinking that 12 pack a day when my clonazepam dose was raised by a psychiatrist to a whoppin 3mg a day, had no desire to drink, or do anything or care about anything for 3-4 years after seeing him in late 2008 as I was seeing the economic crisis take hold thinking that was it, the system has failed. Tapered the benzos when I got tired of not caring about my mom, brother and dad, ignoring them at all costs. Now only take 20mg of valium a day and 1mg of xanax prn (get 15 a month) for when I feel like the goddamn F-18's in the sky drive me mad (they were doing drills in eastern canada from the AFB in my city to Labrador and it was just, fuckin hell to endure all of fucking NATO use our skies.
Now since early 2014 I continue my education even if in my 30's part time, I can't do full time yet, the picture of my mental image is clearer in the original message.
