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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

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deficiT said:
Welp. I caved. After work ended I drove past a couple places to cop some H.

Both places I knew about had fucking cops posted up, so I ended up just going home. One dude tried to stop me as I pulled up, but I saw the cop parked nearby and thought better of it.

Now I am both disappointed in my lack of drugs and disappointed in myself for caving.

Where do I even go from here? Fuck me, I'm fucked.

Plus my license is probably being suspended. I'm just fucked man.
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I logged back in after a good 6mths to a yr bluelight hiatus so I could respond to your post. First of all I totally empathize, I've been dealing with severe opiate addiction for 25yrs, 2nd of all I have no earth shattering words of wisdom that are going to solve your problems. I simply care and hope I can serve as an example.

I was also on probation last year and was dealing with the loss of my driving privileges (from a DUI), thankfully all that stuff is behind me now but I can clearly remember the stress that those things combined with my frequent relapsing caused me. I was an absolute mess just as I have been for most of my life.

I fought the idea of getting on methadone for sometime because I kept thinking I could deal with it on my own and I wanted to be totally clean, I had been on methadone once before and had already worked to get off in the past but when I finally made the decision to get on the program I was facing jail time if I didn't get my act together.

As it turned out getting on methadone was the best decision I have made in a very long time. I decided to go up to a good stable dose( currently sitting at 80mg) and work with my counselor to the best of my ability to deal with all the self defeating bullshit that beat me down time and time again.

It is now a 1yr. later and my life has done a complete 180. I am off probation, have my license, a nice truck, a loving relationship built on trust with my entire family, I'm making more money than I have in 20yrs and best of all I can look in the mirror and love the person I am today. Life couldn't be better. I still have problems but I'm able to face them without folding. I dont have that all consuming soul crushing feeling in the gut of my stomach or that hamster always on his God damn wheel doing his fucking laps driving me insane anymore.

I'm not telling you to get on methadone. Only you can make that decision. I can only tell you that since I did my life improved dramatically and I have been completely clean other than the juice ever since. It's working for me and based on my addiction history I plan to stay on the program for the foreseeable future because it has brought stability to my life for the first time in decades.


I would count it a blessing you didn't cop H, cause let's stop kidding ourselves, if you live in the US you weren't copping heroin, you were copping fentanyl and I've seen so many cats go out after a stretch of clean time and use for the last time because this shit is a killer my friend. The heroin game is straight bullshit right now and I'm glad to be off the merry go round and free from the cravings and mood swings. Methadone gave me an emotional stability that I had forgotten was possible.

Much love my brother and God Bless....

I'm Celebrating 1yr of my version of clean even if it was achieved with a crutch I'm damn grateful because I'm sure I would have been dead by now otherwise.

P.S..... I was able to get treatment (the cure) for the Hep C I carried for so long and I was diagnosed with cancer 5mths ago but I'm able to deal with it(Thank God) and I feel better than ever.
 
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birdup said:
I had way too much to drink last night. When I went to sleep, I set my alarm to go off every two hours. I woke up, drank half a litre of water, then went back to sleep. I work a double shift on Saturday so I can't be throwing up all day in the toilet.

I went to work with a hangover, hoping to dear God that my first client was in a good mood because he's fucking impossible when he's down... and, predictably, he was the worst he's been for months. Fucking perfect.

I go to the pub in between shifts and quickly down a schooner of Great Northern, then I try to sleep in my car but I can't relax. My head is pounding. I'm sweating.

By the time I get home, I am liquid. When I open the car door, I spill out onto the driveway. I just want to go to sleep on the lawn, but that's not going to happen until I smoke a joint.

Now I find that my entire stash is locked away in a time-lock box till midnight. I have to wait four hours. Mother fucker. Oh well - fuck it - I'm going to have some etizolam. I've had a long day. I have earned it. I really need to get mashed.
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Mate, you know you can't keep this cycle up for very much longer :( Alcohol AND benzos? Working and driving whilst still having possibly both substances very much in your system? The hangovers, the physical withdrawals, it's a fucking nightmare huh. Do you have any thoughts or plans to taper down so you're not struggling so much? Is Christmas usually a particularly difficult time for you? It is for me, I'm usually drunk as fuck for it. But I can't do that this year because I'm nearly 8 months pregnant, soooooo I just have to face it clean and sober.
 
Blankenstein said:
All good. I had a bunch of Valium and clonazepam tonight with a couple of beers thinking I’d get that nice relaxing feeling. I feel like benzos don’t do it for me anymore.

It sounds like I might have to wait 2 months for my health insurance upgrade to be able to use it. I just want it to be over and in a treatment.
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fffuuuuccckkkkk!!! that sucks. argh rehab being on the cards is a time when things can typically escalate. they did for me. your brain is like 'well we have to stop this soon anyway so might as well do whatever stupid bullshit while we still can'


Blankenstein said:
I got a some heroin stashed at home and a bunch of benzos for when I get home. See how i go. I’ll be fine.
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please if you possibly can just flush it as soon as you get home. seriously heroin and benzos are a bad mix. i used to do them with alcohol and my ex and my mum have both had to do vigils cos they couldn't wake me up and i was barely breathing. if you are alone you won't even know you're in medical danger, or that you have been. you'll just wake up, or not.

Blankenstein said:
Seems like you’re going alright, drinking much or binge eating?
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not so well.

drank every night for fuck knows how long. started before midday yesterday cos i did not want to be conscious but instead of managing to sleep i kept going all day. purged 3 nights in a row while i was travelling for work.

i feel like shit. i have done for ages. i know how to change it. why can't i fucking do it?
 
chinup said:
fffuuuuccckkkkk!!! that sucks. argh rehab being on the cards is a time when things can typically escalate. they did for me. your brain is like 'well we have to stop this soon anyway so might as well do whatever stupid bullshit while we still can'




please if you possibly can just flush it as soon as you get home. seriously heroin and benzos are a bad mix. i used to do them with alcohol and my ex and my mum have both had to do vigils cos they couldn't wake me up and i was barely breathing. if you are alone you won't even know you're in medical danger, or that you have been. you'll just wake up, or not.


not so well.

drank every night for fuck knows how long. started before midday yesterday cos i did not want to be conscious but instead of managing to sleep i kept going all day. purged 3 nights in a row while i was travelling for work.

i feel like shit. i have done for ages. i know how to change it. why can't i fucking do it?
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Ah true that really sucks about the boozing and purging sorry to hear that. You said a while ago when you moved into your new place your partner would be supportive and keeping tabs (for want of a better expression) on you. Are you speaking to a psych or anything about it?

Yeh I get you about feeling fucked and not being able to change it.

Yeh I got home and didn’t use the heroin but got a box of tramadol dropped off and ate 500mg and a handful of Valium and rewatching the sopranos. Feel relaxed but not high.

Got to try and get some of this insurance stuff sorted tomorrow. Yeh it seems so stupid my thinking of being like I should use heaps before I go in so I actually seem like I have a habit. Ridiculous thinking.

I’m not excited about Christmas at all just want all this shit to end. I’m not excited or passionate about any of my hobbies anymore.
 
Amazing how literally no one on the internet knew about my if I can call it.. kk

and then if am goin to the doctah well is 21 december not long ago I've ended my course, it was the six of this month, if i still have it damn by february i'll fuckin do some investigations i mean i am actually curious too on a side if it doesn't go down as to what the fuck it is
 
Shady's Fox said:
Amazing how literally no one on the internet knew about my if I can call it.. kk

and then if am goin to the doctah well is 21 december not long ago I've ended my course, it was the six of this month, if i still have it damn by february i'll fuckin do some investigations i mean i am actually curious too on a side if it doesn't go down as to what the fuck it is
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so you’ve finished the augmentin? How are you feeling now?

How are you going otherwise?
 
I don't do much but it's going to take allot. Take a long time. Me and you.



♡🕊
 
my hand tendons hurt like some hydraulic car press type shit, same as some of my body that i feel loose such as knees/elbow fuck what not, uh and like other than that nothing actually.. yesterday i've had some yellow discharge that i've ignored because at the time i was having my coffee and thought that randomly maybe you know but today i've had some more discharge and i've went to try and squeeze just a bit not much because it hurts and that's for me.. i've bought another bottle of olynth ha to be in case.. is good though instead of sniffing my nose to cause more damage why not put 2 3 puffs and i can easily if i want sniff but i don't ahaha
 
And a few hours later, I've put on "the day after tomorrow" i saw it back in 2010's and thought to random spin, i am in bed trying to relax my bones had some more wine, white this time i am a Red drinker but thought to break the routine and I think after or during the film I might park on right. My tendons still same more or less, I've did some exercises dunno If it does anything at all ahaha
 

Things are not ok

Also, robbing someone no matter how much of a bad person they seem to be, seems like a horrible idea. Please do not do this. It will only end in heartbreak for all involved. Yeh you are 100% right. That is not who I am at all. I was drunk and very down when I said that and this person who...
bluelight.org bluelight.org
 
@Blankenstein please get yourself somewhere safe ASAP.

it gets worse from here until you get help.

i have been in similar situations but after people who actually cared about my safety weren't prepared to deal with my wrecklessness anymore (and when you're giving them free drugs and they still say no, you know its bad), with people who i knew for a fact would chuck me down the rubbish chute if i went over in their flat (they'd done time for this exact thing) and with a guy who when he literally thought i was dying, instead of doing a single fucking thing, rang his mates to complain about how he couldn't fuck me now. when i came round i did another shot straight away.

you didn't decide not to IV again after ODing once.

this is serious. i don't care where it is, your mum's, non using friends, a fucking hotel in the middle of fucking nowhere. anywhere. and stay there til you can get to rehab. you are not safe. you need to plan how to surive until rehab. move rehab forward, if there is any way you can afford it, instead of waiting for the insurance stuff to come through.

edit: i am glad that guy didn't try to fuck me while he thought i was dying though, that would have been way more traumatic
 
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chinup said:
@Blankenstein please get yourself somewhere safe ASAP.

it gets worse from here until you get help.

i have been in similar situations but after people who actually cared about my safety weren't prepared to deal with my wrecklessness anymore (and when you're giving them free drugs and they still say no, you know its bad), with people who i knew for a fact would chuck me down the rubbish chute if i went over in their flat (they'd done time for this exact thing) and with a guy who when he literally thought i was dying, instead of doing a single fucking thing, rang his mates to complain about how he couldn't fuck me now. when i came round i did another shot straight away.

you didn't decide not to IV again after ODing once.

this is serious. i don't care where it is, your mum's, non using friends, a fucking hotel in the middle of fucking nowhere. anywhere. and stay there til you can get to rehab. you are not safe. you need to plan how to surive until rehab. move rehab forward, if there is any way you can afford it, instead of waiting for the insurance stuff to come through.

edit: i am glad that guy didn't try to fuck me while he thought i was dying though, that would have been way more traumatic
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Yeh thanks you @chinup yehbinneed to speed up the process.

Yeh I keep crossing lines I said I wouldn’t. Not sure how I’m going to broach the subject with my employer, I respect them and want to be a honest. If he said I can’t work I would just walk away and shake his hand.

I’ve eaten benzos lyrica and tramadol baclofen and a tiny of heroin but just sniffed it. all small amounts so just chilling.
 
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