I recently got off of Suboxone, I did it for a job. Which ended up not even happening. And now I've found out my license is being suspended over some absolute BULLSHIT.
I am |this| fucking close to going down the road and getting some H. I already ordered five grams of tianeptine, which I figured would assuage my relapse concerns for the meantime. But I still have to wait a couple days for it.
Idk man. I was omw to work just now. I had already told my boss I'd be late to work since my stomach is fucked up. My stomach gets FUCKED up when I'm not on opioids. It's one of the main reasons I started taking opioids in the first place. All of my stomach issues returned with a fierce vengeance when I stopped the Suboxone. Oh yeah, the story I was telling.
Anyway, was driving towards work a couple mins ago, and the entire drive I was telling myself, well I'm just gonna drive right past and go to that gas station that I know dealers congregate around. I'm not even really used to cold copping. When I was on H for those two years I had a dealer. But I was about to just say fuck it. I was sitting at the light by work to drive on past, instead of turning down the road to park to go in to work. I somehow convinced myself to just turn in and go to work, at the last second.
Maybe I should just throw in the towel and get on methadone. I think it might be the only thing that would actually hold me and prevent me from getting heroin. I already fucked up, took benzos, ecstasy, I fucking drank which ended up being a nightmare. I told myself I'd never do heroin or methamphetamine again, and I still have no desire for meth, but I'm telling you I am so close to relapsing on heroin/fentanyl what have you. I don't fucking know man. The struggle is real right now, and this license suspension threw a major wrench in all of my plans. I just can't believe it. Being on heroin probably won't help, but damnit, it'd at least give me some relief from my stomach problems and a break from consciousness. I actually even took 2mg of Suboxone yesterday, as well as a bunch of Kratom. Neither one really gave me any relief from the stomach issues or any discernible opioid effects at all.
Idk, I'm close to giving up rn.