“Secret Storms”

[Roxe]

Feedback would be excellent, I wrote this a year ago from personal experiences withen astral projections.

"No longer content to merely wait and wonder, no longer patiently looming in the distance.
Shadowy figures bearing forbidden pleasures passing furtively through the walls of your mind.
Where their dark intentions issue fourth.
Far horizons of desires suddenly rushing throughout your consciousness.
Their secret storms of hidden urges catching fire.
Passions burn out of control out of the night a soft glow thunderously roars, deafening you to all until you remain transfixed.
Having been illuminated by a light of realization flowing unto me.."

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

I liked the imagery and the sultry tone of this, I found the flow broke the feel of the piece, this line especially

Passions burn out of control out of the night a soft glow thunderously roars, deafening you to all until you remain transfixed

I think the words just need to be arranged so that in reading it you can feel that dreamy sensation that comes to mind with the images. I look forward to reading more from you!

 

[m4dd0g]

^ ditto

I really like the feel and imagery
The line DS mentioned above bucked me.
Some rewording (reflowing?) of that sentence would go a long way

 

[Roxe]

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond I forgot I even posted this. -laughs- Thank you for the feed back.

I'd also have to agree with you on this one, although I do enjoy, "Passions burn out of control, out of the night a soft glow..." All in all im still very happy with this piece, it's won me $2,000 in the past so I'm not to worried when it comes to sounding too off beat. Thank you again!

 

[cherub]

great content first.. but I agree that the flow is not quite right.

I think you have a skills just maybe add more breaks and see if that adds to the flow maybe