Aja909
Bluelighter
°Morgen (Remembering Love)
It all started with the usual wake and bake followed by the munchies. A short while later I was driving and got the call on the cell phone. I met up with a friend that was from a college town and he would come up to get wasted every now and then. The rendevous point was the part of the city where all the university students lived and thrived. I remember the goal that day was to cop some kinda chemicals somehow. I think the locals were not around that day and I was feeling adventurous so I made this call to a girl named Maya that I was interested in.
That night was a party as there was just about every weekend. This party was out of town however at another college town about an hour away. I didn't plan on driving there but it was good to know I had that choice. So we're on our way and we drive to south county - deep past where I would hang out due to its ruralness. The trailer this girl lived in with her roomate was no bigger than maybe our garage with similar thin walls. We went to a friend of theirs that lived in the area in hopes of scoring something - anything really.. I wasn't that thrilled that day to do anything drastic. So within a few hours we left for the party although my so called "friend" quickly made his getaway after getting his sniffable poison.
The party was bland. Besides that over-priced watered-down acid that was being sold in a booth the lack of drugs there and also people, made me wish I opted to drive. But hey, I was feeling adventurous and I needed to get out.
The Adderall that I picked up along with my hoodie before comming was already in Maya's tummy and a line here or there of stepped on yay wasn't going to do anything. What a waste really. I remember a girl coming up to me and flat out asking me if I wanted to buy some smack. This had never happened to me before and I always showed great interest so I made sure to get her number. I was so fascinated I even wanted to see her trackmarks to assure myself this was for real. Her name was Morgen and loosely translated into English it means "morning". I was too broke to buy anything right then and there but I knew payday was a week away and so it was just a matter of time. We all decided to crash at a hotel for the night and so the caravan of cars followed.
The hotel ended up being 7 hours of sitting cramped with about 20 other people doing absolutely nothing. No sleep and nothing to pass time with. I'd say my mind was really just thinking how I could get to next payday as fast as possible but just sitting there made that attempt so much more aggrivating. Someone dropped a twenty dollar bill without noticing but Maya noticed too and we understood that we both hadn't eaten in almost a day. She convinced another girl to let us borrow her car to get something to eat. Off we go in a white convertible and the sun is definately up and warming the barren landscape that has nothing more than the occasional motel or gas station, sometimes a restaurant or house.
The meal was short and untipped. While daydreaming on the way back to the hotel I realized that this would be the beginning of something I was not really strong enough to even start let alone try to get all involved in. The thoughts of payday was the only thing keeping me awake. A short while later it was time to head back home so there we are Maya and I in the back seat and both of us falling asleep. I got dropped off back at my car and all I wanted to do was go straight to Morgen's house but I realized that sleep would be the wise choice.
The work week went by seemingly fast and actually flowed quite good. As Thursday came around I managed to get my friend to drive me to her place after the appropriate phone call. Everything was in place - no need to go out and try to score the first time. Syringes and cotton and spoons and my friend who lived down the street were all in a room with this girl and her boyfriend. I asked her to show me how to use it and cook up the dope. I learned so much in five minutes. The first time I went for twenty-five dollars of dope all at once straight into my arm. She did it for me. The plunger went in and about 5 seconds later I said out loud "I love this I want more". So I could not even tell my friend from down the street that this was going to be a new problem for me. I could barely walk and I was shaking.
We had to go to another person's house who I knew from parties and once we got there yeah silly me I try to smoke crystal meth for the first time. I don't think I held it in long enough anyway. But I'm on my way home soon after with a small remainder of dope and still itching and scratching my nose.
I got dropped off in my driveway and as soon as the car left I threw up. No biggie I thought - been there, done that. I think I shot up the rest of what I had the same night but am unsure if this happend.
The third time I shot up (I think) I was again at Morgen's house in the basement where it smelled like it had been flooded more than once. They had company and it was another couple who got high with them. Their drug buddies. I remember doing the twenty five dollar portion as before and sitting down on the couch leaning my head back. How relaxing and quiet it was.
I was being shaken and slapped by Morgen and being screamed at "Don't you die on me fucker". I woke up in Morgens boyfriends car. Apparently I was blue and unresponsive and they dragged me from the basement and tried to wake me for the past 30 minutes. I don't remember a thing but I did learn that I had bruises on me from them trying to lift my almost lifeless body. I quickly snapped out of it and I was told that I needed to leave. I ended up driving their two drug friends to a bus station. The whole time driving (which was a bad idea) it didn't really register how lucky I just got. I just didn't get it.
From then on I made it a ritual for the next few weeks to shoot up. It was late Fall and I didn't have anyone to answer to and always thought "hey, why not?" The first few times it was the short meetings at the coffee shop and then the basement. Then it was just the coffee shop. Syringes started to become harder to get. It didn't mater that already then things were falling apart - I had to go deeper.
In this comming on process I would visit the part of town where your life meant as much as the cigarette butt on the ground. We could only score from a certain part of town from a certain minority group as they seemed to be running things. You had to jump like they wanted you to and there was never a gurantee that you would be served on demand. Never did we have a problem with the quality of our dope though. If anything they are too smart to loose customers. They had the whole town sold up it seems.
It had come to that I started liking Morgen. She was no model by any means but her way of thinking and "just don't give a fuck" attitude fit me well. I learned to what lengths she went to feed her habit. She was a five finger discount professional. I mean I can't quite figure to this day how she would get away with so many things. Everytime she would end up back at the dealer trying to make sure she does not get sick. Everytime it was all for nothing more than a 10 minute euphoria.
The day came when there were no unused syringes and so off to the pharmacy as always to stock up. After paying and receiving her change and receipt the store personel decided to give chase even though she had done nothing wrong. The sheer shock in my head thinking "what to do next" brought me to leasurely walk out of the store, climb in the car and proceed to leave. There she comes running towards the car as I have just about 2 seconds to make a right turn and manage to open the car door,let her jump in, close it, and avoid the big guy giving chase. It was like a movie. It was all for the sake so that we could shoot up safer. Another day spent drowning, another day wasted.
I was loosing friends faster than I could register it. I still don't know how so many people found out. A close friend of mine from around the way told me "We don't want to be around you as long as you are around that drug" For the first time I understood that I meant something to these people even if they never said anything to me directly.
On one of the next visits I am not sure what led to it but I kissed her. This set off a whole chain reaction and to this day I think it had to do with the fact that I was illusioned by the drugs. It was the beginning of Winter now and Morgen had changed her will to keep shooting and started visiting the methadone clinic early in the morning. I didn't know what to make of it because I feared she would not hook me up anymore.
By now I had learned everything a smack-junkie should know. I knew about re-using cotton that had been used to filter to get high. I knew if you missed a vein it would burn and leave a mark. I knew the yellow marks came from dirty dope or bad shooting techniques. I knew from my three week shooting marathon what withdrawal is like. I knew about constipation, mood swings, throwing things at people, the runny nose, and the desperation.
I ran the idea of aquiring the equivalent of the high scool graduation on paper thru a local program offering help. I mentioned this to Morgen and she happily agreed that it would benefit us both. So there we are two times a week trying to do something positive. A few times I used the chance to get dope other times it was more innocent. The classes were being held in a mid-city hospital inside a large unused section of the cafeteria. It was boring but with Morgen near it made it go by quicker.
The day came when our visit to our class was different. I sensed something all along and when Morgen took off her jacket the first thing I noticed is that she had marks on her neck. "How could he" I thought and upon closer inspection those marks were quite violent. I snapped. I wanted to protect her. Whatever it was that I said to her I cannot remember but she left and so I am sitting there trying to convince the teacher without words that I am not her boyfriend. I am not the one that did this too her even though it looks as if we are a couple who is trying to get their equivalency diploma. I left myself soon thereafter.
She told me we could not see each other anymore. She said all of this without direct words and reasons and all before she left that class. I received a 2a.m. phone call from her boyfriend telling me to fuck off to leave it all alone and I felt cocky and confronted him about the abuse. It was all about helping her get away from him now.
There was a short break between us that lasted no more than two weeks and at the same time I continued to go to the classes solo. I din't have any interest anymore in them but I wanted to finish. I stopped going all together very shortly thereafter. It wasn't any fun anymore without Morgen there.
It was turning into Spring and I just wasn't that focused on shooting up because it was taking its toll on me and I just could not wear long-sleeve shirts every day to hide the things that I didn't want other people to see. Besides, I had a new poison to play with called Ketamine. Not exactly new to me but so much more abundant then anything else. It was my wonder drug I liked this more than drowning. Snorting daily led to my worst case of bloddy nose syndrome. It was grotesquely a mess. I was snorting three times a day, sometimes more. Snorting chemically-altered salt eats away at your nose so I started injecting it into my muscle.
I drowned my muscles with three thousand dollars of ketamine in 25 days. I don't really think I gained anything from it. The money is gone and I don't think I even know how I earned that money to get high. I found myself at Morgen's door to get a change of scenery. We went to the park, we went to get high and we went around pretending we had some common interests.
I was picking her up at a gas station more often instead of her house in order to go and score dope. Her boyfriend picked up on this quite fast. I got another call but it didn't stop me from seeing her. On one visit where the friend from the collage town just happened to be there giving us (me) a ride I still can't believe I went in and returned those unpaid swimming goggles. I did though and got those forty dollars and got high that night.
Morgen was really trying to get away from shooting still visiting the clinic every day and I was still so naive about the whole thing. I got her connections phone number by luck one day skimming thru past calls on the cell phone and then got hooked up twice. The next time it was a gas station on the North side a bit different than the norm but still better than the area we were accustomed to. The last time we went to score dope it was thru some ate-up after-work favor in North county trying to run some lady to Walmart for returns. I guess it worked and off we go to what we always did after the phone call registered a money symbol in the salesmans head.
I didn't see her for almost two months or so I think - time really did fly and I was quite busy to recall details. Upon the visit I learned that she was on house arrest - for exactly the one thing she was good at - stealing from retail stores. She was able to get out the next day as it was "her day out" and we went to walk in the park where we followed a familiar path a familiar time line and a familiar conversation. Another period where I did not see her for a month came upon us.
I picked her up and we went to eat ice cream because I could not think of anything else to do and besides she loved ice cream so there we are in the upscale byproduct of a hospital subdivision from the early 1900's. The shops and restaurants were nothing but eye candy for us as we had no money to go in there and actually buy anything. I found a punk metal bracelet thing on a nearby table at the ice cream shop and was so happy because I always wanted one
of my own and now I had one for free. We walked to the most upscale skyscraper in town a few blocks away and rode the elevators up and down to different floors and just had the greatest time among people that wore thousand dollar suits and drove exotic cars from faraway countries.
On the floor with the large banquet room we looked over the city as the sun was going down. The orange hue of the skyline was projecting a glimmer of hope between me and Morgen. I asked her "will you get away from here?" and her reply was "look at these name tags". Obviously not wanting to look reality in the face. She knew methadone was a excuse even if it did prevent the high from heroin to take effect. All she knew was she didn't want to be where she was but the legal system now had a greater interest in her even if it was for "just another misdemeanor".
I threw the remainders of the melted ice cream in the refuse on the way out the door and snapped the punk bracelet on my arm with style.
The next few weeks were a blur due to a large amount of work and or stress and had nothing to do with being under the influence. I needed to keep myself busy anyways so what better way to brush up on my computer skills than now?
I thought back to the first time she introduced me to a smokeable thing obtained in the inner city. It was just like the movies and all the facts spoke for themself. It was just to top off the dope shooting experience anyways. I didn't care for it much. I found myself rotating that glass piece in her basement the last time that I saw her. It was just because I wanted to kill time and possible my mind. She told me "don't let me do this again okay?" I was not quite yet five minutes past the inhalation point so it didn't make sense to me. I did however understand why she said that to me. It was really the lowest a person could sink to even lower than shooting dope. It was clear to me to leave it alone.
I left her house that day and I don't think there was a good or bad feeling. It was neutral and we both knew we had a lot to learn and do. As the transcontinental flight left the ground with me in seat 23-A 4 days later, I finally understood how much damage I had done. It had nothing to do with my little ten month adventure with heroin. I had dragged out everything she did not want even longer. She liked me more than I knew but was too afraid that I would push her away like I have been in the past. I had been using her to get drugs nothing more. I wanted her to feel safe and be reborn. I thought I liked her and I did for hopelessness is a feature that sometimes gets my attention. I had been in love with a needle and her habits and now I had taken what little future she had and put it on hold.
Her boyfriend was in jail and not comming out for a while and her date with the point of release from house arrest and generally "supervised living" was right around the time of his release point. Would she make that cross-country trip she had been promising me? Are relationships ever really "over?"
But now I am here six-thousand four-hundred fourty-seven miles away behind a keyboard trying to make sense of it all. I don't regret learning everything she had to show me. I wish I could put her on a transcontinental flight too so that she can be safe. It's all wishfull thinking and I know it will never happen. I'd just fall in love again.
-motorollerkid Feb 12 2003-
[ 12 February 2003: Message edited for feelings]
[ 21 February 2003: Message edited by: Aja909 ]
It all started with the usual wake and bake followed by the munchies. A short while later I was driving and got the call on the cell phone. I met up with a friend that was from a college town and he would come up to get wasted every now and then. The rendevous point was the part of the city where all the university students lived and thrived. I remember the goal that day was to cop some kinda chemicals somehow. I think the locals were not around that day and I was feeling adventurous so I made this call to a girl named Maya that I was interested in.
That night was a party as there was just about every weekend. This party was out of town however at another college town about an hour away. I didn't plan on driving there but it was good to know I had that choice. So we're on our way and we drive to south county - deep past where I would hang out due to its ruralness. The trailer this girl lived in with her roomate was no bigger than maybe our garage with similar thin walls. We went to a friend of theirs that lived in the area in hopes of scoring something - anything really.. I wasn't that thrilled that day to do anything drastic. So within a few hours we left for the party although my so called "friend" quickly made his getaway after getting his sniffable poison.
The party was bland. Besides that over-priced watered-down acid that was being sold in a booth the lack of drugs there and also people, made me wish I opted to drive. But hey, I was feeling adventurous and I needed to get out.
The Adderall that I picked up along with my hoodie before comming was already in Maya's tummy and a line here or there of stepped on yay wasn't going to do anything. What a waste really. I remember a girl coming up to me and flat out asking me if I wanted to buy some smack. This had never happened to me before and I always showed great interest so I made sure to get her number. I was so fascinated I even wanted to see her trackmarks to assure myself this was for real. Her name was Morgen and loosely translated into English it means "morning". I was too broke to buy anything right then and there but I knew payday was a week away and so it was just a matter of time. We all decided to crash at a hotel for the night and so the caravan of cars followed.
The hotel ended up being 7 hours of sitting cramped with about 20 other people doing absolutely nothing. No sleep and nothing to pass time with. I'd say my mind was really just thinking how I could get to next payday as fast as possible but just sitting there made that attempt so much more aggrivating. Someone dropped a twenty dollar bill without noticing but Maya noticed too and we understood that we both hadn't eaten in almost a day. She convinced another girl to let us borrow her car to get something to eat. Off we go in a white convertible and the sun is definately up and warming the barren landscape that has nothing more than the occasional motel or gas station, sometimes a restaurant or house.
The meal was short and untipped. While daydreaming on the way back to the hotel I realized that this would be the beginning of something I was not really strong enough to even start let alone try to get all involved in. The thoughts of payday was the only thing keeping me awake. A short while later it was time to head back home so there we are Maya and I in the back seat and both of us falling asleep. I got dropped off back at my car and all I wanted to do was go straight to Morgen's house but I realized that sleep would be the wise choice.
The work week went by seemingly fast and actually flowed quite good. As Thursday came around I managed to get my friend to drive me to her place after the appropriate phone call. Everything was in place - no need to go out and try to score the first time. Syringes and cotton and spoons and my friend who lived down the street were all in a room with this girl and her boyfriend. I asked her to show me how to use it and cook up the dope. I learned so much in five minutes. The first time I went for twenty-five dollars of dope all at once straight into my arm. She did it for me. The plunger went in and about 5 seconds later I said out loud "I love this I want more". So I could not even tell my friend from down the street that this was going to be a new problem for me. I could barely walk and I was shaking.
We had to go to another person's house who I knew from parties and once we got there yeah silly me I try to smoke crystal meth for the first time. I don't think I held it in long enough anyway. But I'm on my way home soon after with a small remainder of dope and still itching and scratching my nose.
I got dropped off in my driveway and as soon as the car left I threw up. No biggie I thought - been there, done that. I think I shot up the rest of what I had the same night but am unsure if this happend.
The third time I shot up (I think) I was again at Morgen's house in the basement where it smelled like it had been flooded more than once. They had company and it was another couple who got high with them. Their drug buddies. I remember doing the twenty five dollar portion as before and sitting down on the couch leaning my head back. How relaxing and quiet it was.
I was being shaken and slapped by Morgen and being screamed at "Don't you die on me fucker". I woke up in Morgens boyfriends car. Apparently I was blue and unresponsive and they dragged me from the basement and tried to wake me for the past 30 minutes. I don't remember a thing but I did learn that I had bruises on me from them trying to lift my almost lifeless body. I quickly snapped out of it and I was told that I needed to leave. I ended up driving their two drug friends to a bus station. The whole time driving (which was a bad idea) it didn't really register how lucky I just got. I just didn't get it.
From then on I made it a ritual for the next few weeks to shoot up. It was late Fall and I didn't have anyone to answer to and always thought "hey, why not?" The first few times it was the short meetings at the coffee shop and then the basement. Then it was just the coffee shop. Syringes started to become harder to get. It didn't mater that already then things were falling apart - I had to go deeper.
In this comming on process I would visit the part of town where your life meant as much as the cigarette butt on the ground. We could only score from a certain part of town from a certain minority group as they seemed to be running things. You had to jump like they wanted you to and there was never a gurantee that you would be served on demand. Never did we have a problem with the quality of our dope though. If anything they are too smart to loose customers. They had the whole town sold up it seems.
It had come to that I started liking Morgen. She was no model by any means but her way of thinking and "just don't give a fuck" attitude fit me well. I learned to what lengths she went to feed her habit. She was a five finger discount professional. I mean I can't quite figure to this day how she would get away with so many things. Everytime she would end up back at the dealer trying to make sure she does not get sick. Everytime it was all for nothing more than a 10 minute euphoria.
The day came when there were no unused syringes and so off to the pharmacy as always to stock up. After paying and receiving her change and receipt the store personel decided to give chase even though she had done nothing wrong. The sheer shock in my head thinking "what to do next" brought me to leasurely walk out of the store, climb in the car and proceed to leave. There she comes running towards the car as I have just about 2 seconds to make a right turn and manage to open the car door,let her jump in, close it, and avoid the big guy giving chase. It was like a movie. It was all for the sake so that we could shoot up safer. Another day spent drowning, another day wasted.
I was loosing friends faster than I could register it. I still don't know how so many people found out. A close friend of mine from around the way told me "We don't want to be around you as long as you are around that drug" For the first time I understood that I meant something to these people even if they never said anything to me directly.
On one of the next visits I am not sure what led to it but I kissed her. This set off a whole chain reaction and to this day I think it had to do with the fact that I was illusioned by the drugs. It was the beginning of Winter now and Morgen had changed her will to keep shooting and started visiting the methadone clinic early in the morning. I didn't know what to make of it because I feared she would not hook me up anymore.
By now I had learned everything a smack-junkie should know. I knew about re-using cotton that had been used to filter to get high. I knew if you missed a vein it would burn and leave a mark. I knew the yellow marks came from dirty dope or bad shooting techniques. I knew from my three week shooting marathon what withdrawal is like. I knew about constipation, mood swings, throwing things at people, the runny nose, and the desperation.
I ran the idea of aquiring the equivalent of the high scool graduation on paper thru a local program offering help. I mentioned this to Morgen and she happily agreed that it would benefit us both. So there we are two times a week trying to do something positive. A few times I used the chance to get dope other times it was more innocent. The classes were being held in a mid-city hospital inside a large unused section of the cafeteria. It was boring but with Morgen near it made it go by quicker.
The day came when our visit to our class was different. I sensed something all along and when Morgen took off her jacket the first thing I noticed is that she had marks on her neck. "How could he" I thought and upon closer inspection those marks were quite violent. I snapped. I wanted to protect her. Whatever it was that I said to her I cannot remember but she left and so I am sitting there trying to convince the teacher without words that I am not her boyfriend. I am not the one that did this too her even though it looks as if we are a couple who is trying to get their equivalency diploma. I left myself soon thereafter.
She told me we could not see each other anymore. She said all of this without direct words and reasons and all before she left that class. I received a 2a.m. phone call from her boyfriend telling me to fuck off to leave it all alone and I felt cocky and confronted him about the abuse. It was all about helping her get away from him now.
There was a short break between us that lasted no more than two weeks and at the same time I continued to go to the classes solo. I din't have any interest anymore in them but I wanted to finish. I stopped going all together very shortly thereafter. It wasn't any fun anymore without Morgen there.
It was turning into Spring and I just wasn't that focused on shooting up because it was taking its toll on me and I just could not wear long-sleeve shirts every day to hide the things that I didn't want other people to see. Besides, I had a new poison to play with called Ketamine. Not exactly new to me but so much more abundant then anything else. It was my wonder drug I liked this more than drowning. Snorting daily led to my worst case of bloddy nose syndrome. It was grotesquely a mess. I was snorting three times a day, sometimes more. Snorting chemically-altered salt eats away at your nose so I started injecting it into my muscle.
I drowned my muscles with three thousand dollars of ketamine in 25 days. I don't really think I gained anything from it. The money is gone and I don't think I even know how I earned that money to get high. I found myself at Morgen's door to get a change of scenery. We went to the park, we went to get high and we went around pretending we had some common interests.
I was picking her up at a gas station more often instead of her house in order to go and score dope. Her boyfriend picked up on this quite fast. I got another call but it didn't stop me from seeing her. On one visit where the friend from the collage town just happened to be there giving us (me) a ride I still can't believe I went in and returned those unpaid swimming goggles. I did though and got those forty dollars and got high that night.
Morgen was really trying to get away from shooting still visiting the clinic every day and I was still so naive about the whole thing. I got her connections phone number by luck one day skimming thru past calls on the cell phone and then got hooked up twice. The next time it was a gas station on the North side a bit different than the norm but still better than the area we were accustomed to. The last time we went to score dope it was thru some ate-up after-work favor in North county trying to run some lady to Walmart for returns. I guess it worked and off we go to what we always did after the phone call registered a money symbol in the salesmans head.
I didn't see her for almost two months or so I think - time really did fly and I was quite busy to recall details. Upon the visit I learned that she was on house arrest - for exactly the one thing she was good at - stealing from retail stores. She was able to get out the next day as it was "her day out" and we went to walk in the park where we followed a familiar path a familiar time line and a familiar conversation. Another period where I did not see her for a month came upon us.
I picked her up and we went to eat ice cream because I could not think of anything else to do and besides she loved ice cream so there we are in the upscale byproduct of a hospital subdivision from the early 1900's. The shops and restaurants were nothing but eye candy for us as we had no money to go in there and actually buy anything. I found a punk metal bracelet thing on a nearby table at the ice cream shop and was so happy because I always wanted one
of my own and now I had one for free. We walked to the most upscale skyscraper in town a few blocks away and rode the elevators up and down to different floors and just had the greatest time among people that wore thousand dollar suits and drove exotic cars from faraway countries.
On the floor with the large banquet room we looked over the city as the sun was going down. The orange hue of the skyline was projecting a glimmer of hope between me and Morgen. I asked her "will you get away from here?" and her reply was "look at these name tags". Obviously not wanting to look reality in the face. She knew methadone was a excuse even if it did prevent the high from heroin to take effect. All she knew was she didn't want to be where she was but the legal system now had a greater interest in her even if it was for "just another misdemeanor".
I threw the remainders of the melted ice cream in the refuse on the way out the door and snapped the punk bracelet on my arm with style.
The next few weeks were a blur due to a large amount of work and or stress and had nothing to do with being under the influence. I needed to keep myself busy anyways so what better way to brush up on my computer skills than now?
I thought back to the first time she introduced me to a smokeable thing obtained in the inner city. It was just like the movies and all the facts spoke for themself. It was just to top off the dope shooting experience anyways. I didn't care for it much. I found myself rotating that glass piece in her basement the last time that I saw her. It was just because I wanted to kill time and possible my mind. She told me "don't let me do this again okay?" I was not quite yet five minutes past the inhalation point so it didn't make sense to me. I did however understand why she said that to me. It was really the lowest a person could sink to even lower than shooting dope. It was clear to me to leave it alone.
I left her house that day and I don't think there was a good or bad feeling. It was neutral and we both knew we had a lot to learn and do. As the transcontinental flight left the ground with me in seat 23-A 4 days later, I finally understood how much damage I had done. It had nothing to do with my little ten month adventure with heroin. I had dragged out everything she did not want even longer. She liked me more than I knew but was too afraid that I would push her away like I have been in the past. I had been using her to get drugs nothing more. I wanted her to feel safe and be reborn. I thought I liked her and I did for hopelessness is a feature that sometimes gets my attention. I had been in love with a needle and her habits and now I had taken what little future she had and put it on hold.
Her boyfriend was in jail and not comming out for a while and her date with the point of release from house arrest and generally "supervised living" was right around the time of his release point. Would she make that cross-country trip she had been promising me? Are relationships ever really "over?"
But now I am here six-thousand four-hundred fourty-seven miles away behind a keyboard trying to make sense of it all. I don't regret learning everything she had to show me. I wish I could put her on a transcontinental flight too so that she can be safe. It's all wishfull thinking and I know it will never happen. I'd just fall in love again.
-motorollerkid Feb 12 2003-
[ 12 February 2003: Message edited for feelings]
[ 21 February 2003: Message edited by: Aja909 ]
