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Psychological opiate addiction. What to do?

C

ChuckyDub

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 12, 2011
Messages
14
Hello. As you can see this is my first post here on BL although i've read the site for a bit now.

My problem afflicting me for some 3 years now is that of an opiate addiction. I'll start off by explaining what landed me in this spot. I used to roll(MDMA) about once every month or so starting 3 1/2-4 years ago. Well the last time I ever took MDMA was the last time I would ever see straight and experience reality the way its meant to be. I acquired HPPD immediately (the following day) and very bad cases of headaches due to severely increased sensitivity to light (photo sensitivity). I'm sure most of the people here know about HPPD or atleast have heard about it so I wont go into explaining what it is since it's a quite a bit to describe in a post. Anyways, the psychological distraught caused by the disorder was so great that I literally lost all enjoyment out of life as my new feel for life was all stripped away and everything became dull, meaningless and dysphoric 24/7. I no longer enjoyed many of my hobbies like weight lifting and social interaction was completely pointless. I went on living like this for about a year until I discovered Oxycodone.

I cant describe how much relief I've found in this drug. It makes me feel normal again not only by lifting the shroud of dissociation but because of the constriction of pupil size that it causes and this decreases my visual disturbances very greatly. It's also great for numbing the pain I have from headaches and those I get every single day.

But the reason I've made this thread is because I dont really know where to go from here. Without opiates, life is not worth living. I've tried to purposefully OD a couple of times on the benzo/opiate combo with no luck. The unfortunate matter of this situation is that HPPD literally takes away any joy. Imagine having everything you know, how it feels, the nostalgia of coming home from a long days work, getting excited to go see a new movie that you really want to see, etc. being taken away from you all at once. Well, the only way for me to partially regain these emotions is to use but I want this to end so badly I can't stand it anymore. I would have never started using opiates if this had never happened to me.

I fail to see how I will survive much longer on this road.
 
ChuckyDub said:
Hello. As you can see this is my first post here on BL although i've read the site for a bit now.

My problem afflicting me for some 3 years now is that of an opiate addiction. I'll start off by explaining what landed me in this spot. I used to roll(MDMA) about once every month or so starting 3 1/2-4 years ago. Well the last time I ever took MDMA was the last time I would ever see straight and experience reality the way its meant to be. I acquired HPPD immediately (the following day) and very bad cases of headaches due to severely increased sensitivity to light (photo sensitivity). I'm sure most of the people here know about HPPD or atleast have heard about it so I wont go into explaining what it is since it's a quite a bit to describe in a post. Anyways, the psychological distraught caused by the disorder was so great that I literally lost all enjoyment out of life as my new feel for life was all stripped away and everything became dull, meaningless and dysphoric 24/7. I no longer enjoyed many of my hobbies like weight lifting and social interaction was completely pointless. I went on living like this for about a year until I discovered Oxycodone.

I cant describe how much relief I've found in this drug. It makes me feel normal again not only by lifting the shroud of dissociation but because of the constriction of pupil size that it causes and this decreases my visual disturbances very greatly. It's also great for numbing the pain I have from headaches and those I get every single day.

But the reason I've made this thread is because I dont really know where to go from here. Without opiates, life is not worth living. I've tried to purposefully OD a couple of times on the benzo/opiate combo with no luck. The unfortunate matter of this situation is that HPPD literally takes away any joy. Imagine having everything you know, how it feels, the nostalgia of coming home from a long days work, getting excited to go see a new movie that you really want to see, etc. being taken away from you all at once. Well, the only way for me to partially regain these emotions is to use but I want this to end so badly I can't stand it anymore. I would have never started using opiates if this had never happened to me.

I fail to see how I will survive much longer on this road.
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The same thing happened to me from mdma although the hdpp isnt the same for me i just see thing distorted and feel different and its happened to quite a few people i know. I suggest getting on buprenorphine aka subutex from your doctor so you can USE LEGALLY and have a consistent supply as i do. BUPE works as well as oxy for your purposes or near it as opiate reduce serotonin function in some parts of the brain and lower glutamate activity im not surprised it helped hppd. Other than that in my experience things wont go back to normal. Your not alone in this at all.
 
Well one solution would be getting a prescription to some opiate oxycodone is not the only one that contricts your pupils. Seems to me the hydrocodone would work as well. The problem will be finding a doctor who knows wtf HPPD even is and is compassionate enough to go way out on a limb and write the scripts. That seems like a long shot so you need to think about other options that can be sustained long term methadone maintenance is fairly cheap constricts your pupils and is a pain killer. all it would take is a trip to the clinic and pissing dirty for oxy. But if you can afford it and have steady supply you could continue with the oxy. I know this may not seem like a wise course of action and is inviting a life long opiate addiction but the key point is you would be living.
 
crimsonjunk said:
Well one solution would be getting a prescription to some opiate oxycodone is not the only one that contricts your pupils. Seems to me the hydrocodone would work as well. The problem will be finding a doctor who knows wtf HPPD even is and is compassionate enough to go way out on a limb and write the scripts. That seems like a long shot so you need to think about other options that can be sustained long term methadone maintenance is fairly cheap constricts your pupils and is a pain killer. all it would take is a trip to the clinic and pissing dirty for oxy. But if you can afford it and have steady supply you could continue with the oxy. I know this may not seem like a wise course of action and is inviting a life long opiate addiction but the key point is you would be living.
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Well ive been to a Neurologist, a GP and a psychiatrist. The closest thing I got for pain relief was a prescription for 40 tramadol a month. Needless to say that I have to take about 15 of the 50mg Trams to even notice the effects and it usually fucks with my vision. The sad fact is that not many doctors have even heard of HPPD. It's so hard to find a doctor that would even prescribe Codeine for headaches.

I would rather not ever ever ever go on Methadone. Subutex would be an option but not many Docs are willing to prescribe those. I tried Suboxone once and i'll never take that again. The headaches were simply unbearable to say the least.

Im just tired of this condition and the only treatment I can think of is buying higher strength painkillers off the street. I should have atleast a prescription for tylenol 3's. Instead, because of paranoia(of the DEA) and/or inability to empathize, doctors wont prescribe anything effective and i'm forced to go about it illegally.

One of the worst parts about this is that I want to live my life free of the influence of drugs all the time but when im not on them I feel like reality is nothing but a very bad lucid dream. Before this happened I was in the best shape of my life, doing very well in school and was just on my way, so to speak. Now it's a complicated task to motivate myself to get out of my bed every morning.
 
I relate strongly to your post. I discovered opiates in the aftermath of heavy ecstasy use and they were only so appealing because ecstasy and speed had fucked me up.

But I can't counsel you strongly enough against intentionally generating an opiate addiction. You say that your goal is to get better - in that case you should be willing to do the hard yards. In my view, this cannot involve opiates. I just don't believe that the only way for someone like you to get back on track is to self-medicate with pain killers. At the very least, if you're in the States, you could look into something slightly more sustainable like kratom.

I highly doubt that you'll find a doctor who will give you opiates for your condition. I don't think this is because they're unsympathetic or uninformed but because it would be illegitimate to treat a condition arising from drug use with further, even more addictive drugs. The dysphoria and anhedonia you describe can very likely be managed with anti-depressants. For the headaches there are all sorts of things that are not opiates.

But if you really wanted to go on maintenance, and if suboxone gives you headaches, you would probably be able to convince a prescriber to give you subutex (straight buprenorphine) - I hear of alot of people who get this because suboxone gives them headaches.
 
Your problem is more serious than a psychological addiction to opiates. If I read you correctly, you've been using opiates for 3 years? It's likely that you are physically addicted. Also, you have a suicide attempt and are very depressed. All of these together are problems that I think you should take very seriously. Are you amenable to getting some help? By that, I mean you are going to need more help than you can get here from this website. Indeed- BL can be of great assistance, however you need to see someone in real life. This depression needs to be treated and a good therapist and possibly some prescription meds might be in order. Some have suggested suboxone and this might be a good idea. I have never gone to a sub doc, but subs can only be prescribed by certain licensed physicians- you can't just go to any doctor. I believe you can find one near you on some suboxone related web site where you enter your zipcode and it shows you docs nearby that can prescribe it for you.

I believe you can really do something to help your depression- don't wait until you feel suicidal. Go today. I have depression to and I can tell you I have really done things to make it better. While we can't control everything, there are indeed SOME things we can do stuff about.

All the best friend.
 
^ This. At the very least, it would be beneficial to see a psychologist for the depression/anhedonia, while looking for a medical specialist that has heard of HPPD and might have some insight into means of treating it. It sounds like a very severe case, and if you found the right doc you might be able to help others by being a case study. AFAIK there isn't a lot of research out there for HPPD, and it is a bit of a blanket disorder as well, making it hard to treat.

If opiates are the only way that you can find relief, then maybe a chronic pain specialist might be the way to go. It might be tough getting in to see one, but they know opiates inside and out and might help you find something appropriate and less abusable?
 
Yeah. Also I think you need to get rid of the idea that you know best what sort of treatment you need. If you go to a doctor saying "I need benzos/opiates" they will just tell you to fuck off. You need to try to work with a doctor and to accept that maybe they know better than you do what your recovery will require.
 
suessmayr said:
Yeah. Also I think you need to get rid of the idea that you know best what sort of treatment you need. If you go to a doctor saying "I need benzos/opiates" they will just tell you to fuck off. You need to try to work with a doctor and to accept that maybe they know better than you do what your recovery will require.
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I have tried all sorts of medications. I'm done playing the A-Z games for medication trials. I know what works for me. I know what does not.

Since writing this post i've learned that some doctors are having success in treating HPPD, or atleast the dissociation which I feel is the worste part of this, with dopamine agonists. This will probably be my last hope of ever getting my normal way of life back.

Dave said:
^ This. At the very least, it would be beneficial to see a psychologist for the depression/anhedonia, while looking for a medical specialist that has heard of HPPD and might have some insight into means of treating it. It sounds like a very severe case, and if you found the right doc you might be able to help others by being a case study. AFAIK there isn't a lot of research out there for HPPD, and it is a bit of a blanket disorder as well, making it hard to treat.

If opiates are the only way that you can find relief, then maybe a chronic pain specialist might be the way to go. It might be tough getting in to see one, but they know opiates inside and out and might help you find something appropriate and less abusable?
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I would try a pain specialist if I didn't think that I would be laughed out of the office which is what would most likely happen if I go in and tell them my story and why i'm there.
 
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You won't get laughed out of the office. These people are professionals. The worst thing that'll happen is that you will be right where you are now, and the best thing is that you'll get the care you need. It's tough, but bundle your courage and go for it!
 
suessmayr said:
I relate strongly to your post. I discovered opiates in the aftermath of heavy ecstasy use and they were only so appealing because ecstasy and speed had fucked me up.
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Wow this genuinely freaks me the fuck out. I was sober off hi speed/low mdma use for 5 years and relapsed but not on stims on opiates. And I guess I also found relief too. Although usually I beat myself up most the time for being a drug addict, not someone who may actually deserve relief by abusing such strong drugs as opiates. Fact is I was getting better as time went by I just wasn't patient enough to deal with it.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I really do think Suboxone is a great option for you. Have you considered this?
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I second this. Get pure bupe in the form of subutex. Im telling you i had similar mdma issues that were greatly improved by a subutex/nicotine combinations. Now im almost back to normal. Bupe in lower
doses like .5-1.5 mg is really great and legal. I think suboxone is crap too, subutex feels much much cleaner without any headaches. Just go to a good doc and tell them whatsup, most people get headaches with sub.
 
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