• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Stuck between Drug Life and Nerd Life

Coolio said:
Stay away from heavy MDMA/MDA/mephedrone/methylone/6APB use. Don't become a stoner. That stuff will take a toll on your memory.
Click to expand...

i've been a stoner, as in daily use, for a decade and rinsed mdma for periods in my life, including this year, and am a doctoral student in a very technical area.... do you have any references about the quote??? obvs i have journal access so thats no problem.. you are probably right, in fact i am noticeably slower than my office mates, and worry about what i may have done to my brain, but have never manage to find anything conclusive and peer reviewed. if you're aware of anything please let me know as currently i'm using the lack of definitive evidence as an excuse to continue probably reckless behaviour.

so yeah, OP you can be a drug nerd. it depends what level you want to take your studies to, and i guess your natural intelligence, i didn't even really have to try til postgrad level which obviously made it easier to take my brain for granted. i genuinely hope that a decade of regular drug use hasn't prevented me from achieving my dream but worry it may have. though to be fair i could work harder.

guess what i'm saying is i don't know the definitive answers in terms of what it does to your brain, but if you're worried it might be an issue now use that to motivate yourself to be sensible (from your posts it sounds like your use is way more sensible than mine anyway....) rather than use ignorance as a green light and come to regret it later.
 
chinup - I think it's a mistake to refuse to entertain the idea that ecstasy is harmful unless you have peer reviewed materials in front of you. Ecstasy use is a relatively new phenomenon, and I think that anyone who has been through the clubbing/rave scenes, and met lots of people at different stages in their 'ecstasy honeymoons', will be able to testify firsthand to the harmful effects of ecstasy. It's like acid - at the time there was no evidence of its harmful effects, but now, 40 years later, there is like an entire generation of acid washups who often cannot perform even the simplest mental functions. And even if ecstasy doesn't interfere with cognitive development as such, I think it almost self-evidently interferes with mood and mood-regulation. A person just cannot experience such intense and profound highs and lows without suffering for it.

And it's probably helpful to consider all the dozens of medicines - relevantly, like morphine, heroin and valium - which were initially regarded as 'wonder drugs' without any destructive potential, but which, now, several decades later, are clearly amongst the most devastating drugs on the planet. In these cases the medical profession positively endorsed these medicines, whereas with ecstasy we can't even say that much.
 
^If you read Chinups post carefully, you'll see that he is not in disagreement. I think the majority of us can say that most recreational drug usage will be detrimental to academic performance to some degree. I deeply regret starting marijuana while in high school.
 
lots of great posts here.
im gonna go ahead and put my 2 cents in because i wish i was more informed before i figured out the hard way along with alot of other individuals. i would recommend keeping the mdma usage to 2-4 times a year spreaded out and try to resist the craving as much as possible, using mdma to often will destroy your happiness and thats very hard to regain(im dealing with that on a everyday basis now and it blows), its also hard to catch onto the negative effects before its to late iv noticed. i also use to take psychedelics for fun and to party, after 1 very intense godly acid trip i came to realize psychedelics shouldnt be tookin lightly and defenitly not just for fun. best thing you can do is be informed as mush as possible about what you put into your body and know your doses, dont be egotistical with your doses.
 
Drug use sabotages your ability to feel gratified by the exploration of ideas.

If you want to immerse yourself deeply into ideas, drugs can only hurt you -- psychedelic catharsis notwithstanding! The occasional flash of enthusiasm and insight borne of habitual drug use is thrilling. Yet ideas conceived in such a way, if not sustained by continuous and escalating intoxication, are quickly sapped of their vitality. Not to mention frequently unintelligible to anyone but yourself.

I often feel as though drug use has compressed my mind from three dimensions into two. I feel flattened. You don't want this.

Do you value your intellect? Or do you value juvenile and wanton hedonism?
 
There are probably more people on bluelight with Master's and Ph.d's from the top 50 universities in the United States and Europe than any other community or forum I have ever been a part of. Personally, I have a Master's from "the ivy league of the south" which rhymes with Tulane, probably because that is the name of the school.
I can think of at least 15 other bluelighters with higher degrees from prestigious universities off the top of my head, and probably alot more if I sat down and thought about it.

As everyone has said, moderation is key. Stick to drugs like acid, mushrooms, weed, hash, etc... and only infrequently. Weed on the weekends maybe (or wednesdays as per habit) and acid or mushrooms no more frequently than every 3 months, MDMA maybe 2x a year, max.

If you do opiates or benzos, fuck around with that shit, you can kiss your life and academic career goodbye. I tried to pull that off and it just does not work, luckily I had already moved to teaching curating.

Don't forget that when it's time to work, you work your ass off, so that when it's time to party, you can party your ass off. Don't half-ass it when you use drugs, or you will still have the desire to afterwards look like a hipster bitch. Live life balls deep.

-Wildcat Rock Machine.
 
Nerd is just a childish label. A nerd is just anybody who enjoys knowledge or logic IMO and in that sense is not nerdy simply intelligent. The mushrooms should have taught you by now that such is just senseless non sense. That feeling you feel, it wears off, well for some. Yeah you crave the feeling, it was fucking good! Did you not crave a bit more pussy or w/e your in to the first time you got some, how about your favorite food? Shit happens. You feel good you would like to repeat the effect the difference is if you can maintain not getting the feeling all the time and not really care. To me the key is the crucial knowledge that I will feel that feeling again and knowing it so well and its grandiose nature this can sustain or satisfy for months at a time. I however don't care for MDMA that much(atleast on its own) as its euphoria is just different from say that all consuming pure insanely intense elation LSD provides me with. Unrivaled IMO. As far as learning, as long as your not eating mushrooms everyday and your maintaining a normal routine why would the future be any different then now or the past? Do you expect to one day be shooting some MF'er for a couple rolls or abandoning your studies to trip? As far as i'm concerned those are the only way its really going to injure or hinder your ability to learn. Moderation and balance are the keys to all things in life my friend. I suppose its a bit different for me as I didn't fall under spell when I tried MDMA though I did LSD. I can also say that i've tripped every once every weekend for around a year and a half, then dosed once every few months, and then moved back into more frequency then out again. For me personally its all about time and circumstances as I rarely abandon real life things to do chemicals just because if you finish what you need to do and take care of responsibilities first the chemicals aren't going to run away from you, they'll still be sitting where you left them, well unless someone steals them and you'll be provided with IMO a more satisfying high because your happy to have those things out of the way and not worry about them or have them to bog you down. I personally say if the allure is to much just cut MDMA out until your life is at a better point and you have more time to devote to what you want rather than need. MDMA IMO doesn't have much to teach or offer other than social skills and working through things like that, though they can be more progressive dependent on the person but psychedelics are the real winners. Smoking and getting stoned is fine as well, though once again some people don't mix, I have an excellent memory and sure it will certainly impair it a bit while under the influence but never noticed any degradation of short or really long term either though to be err on the side of caution you might as well just rarely smoke it. I suggest saving it for trips as I find if you like it, it accompanies them oh so well.
 
It depends on how much you value your ability to study and also whether you will be comfortable going through such an important period of your life under the influence of substances. The last point is very important.. many people go through using substances and feel fine at the time but several years down the line end up regretting that use, because upon reflection they realized it played a greater part in influencing decisions and life directions than they'd first given consideration to.
 
Hey, I just graduated with a degree in Engineering Physics and I did a variety of drugs throughout my education so maybe I can help with your desire for high achievement.

Mushrooms are my favourite drug and they have always had a definite positive effect on my life. I was growing them in uni and taking them weekly at one point and they never affected my academics. I don't believe I have ever got any negative side effects from mushrooms or acid... if anything they motivate me and allow me to realize my true potential. You don't want to be distracted by too many crazy trips while you're in school though. It is up to you to decide how often you should use these drugs but I would recommend once a month at most. By the way, looking back on myself before I ate all the mushrooms and acid... I am SO different now. I spend a lot more time alone, being mainly interested in the inner working of my Self. I'm not selfish, it just doesn't make sense to me to be around people who are not spiritually oriented as they bring me back down to where I used to be, which isn't where I am now. There is no going back. So I'm just really selective about who I enjoy hanging around. I have lost touch with a lot of people I used to be hang with all the time, but I totally think that this was all in my best interests.

As for pot, I was stoned 24/7 throughout my degree, for exams and all. This had a negative effect on my electives which required more memory work than physics or engineering, because my memory is fried when I'm stoned. At the time I thought it was making me smarter - it was definately putting a strange twist on the way I came to understand reality in terms of mathematics anyway. My mathematical logic has never been affected by pot smoking, but it wasn't made better by it either. I would highly recommend ceasing habitual smoking before you get too deep into it, A LOT of really smart people end up smoking huge amounts of pot in university but after going through it I would HIGHLY (no pun intended) advise not to get caught up going to lectures and stuff stoned day in day out. It will be tempting because it makes learning about technology pretty awesome and there is nobody around to tell you not to get high all day. It is a great activity for stress relief though so definately include it in your life - I would recommend blazing at the end of each day. When you are in school is the ideal time in your life to be a stoner anyway - you probably won't be able to get away with it afterwards so keep that in mind.

As for alcohol - it's moderation or retardation. I have noticed many of my friends become dumbed down by abusing it. Alcohol is neurotoxic, and it totally wrecks your body. Many people abuse alcohol to all hell in university, and I definately did as well at times. In first year I was getting drunk basically more nights than I wasn't, and I wasn't suffering hangovers or big problems yet. In 2nd year, I had developed severe cognitive deficits and anxiety and depression from this alcohol use, not to mention hangovers from HELL. I continued getting fucked 3 nights a week religiously, and I was such a wreck I consider this the lowest point of my life. I recovered from all this shit before 3rd year, rarely drank and got my shit together, did a lot better and enjoyed the experience a lot more. If you party less, you will have a better time when you party. Partying is a part of the whole experience so I would say just party once a week or you might go crazy with all the work (1st year shouldn't be too much).

As for MDMA - I think it is a real shame that you discovered MDMA at such a young age. I was lucky to only discover it my very last semester in 4th year. I did it a fair amount and had the most fun I have ever had in my life. It was a really special time of my life and I wouldn't take back those times for anything. I would recommend getting the fuck off MDMA until you are near the end of your degree, and then going balls-out raving as a grand finale to the whole experience. If you continue to use MDMA after having done it a fair amount at a young age, you may get FUCKED from it. It can be the death of you, and you won't catch on to the side effects until it's too late. Seriously. Trust me, I know how much fun it is. It is so much fun that it is very dangerous and it sounds like it is perhaps beginning to screw with your enjoyment of life without it. You must make MDMA a very special occasion, a couple-times-a-year sort of thing, and you would be a fool to keep using it now, you need a long break. It can make you retarded. And test your pills if you don't do that - you don't want to be taking any shit that isn't pure MDMA.

Whenever I think of a teenager doing MDMA I am distraught - being a teenager is easy and awesome, why do you have to fuck with hard drugs? The next 4 years of your life will be a wonderful journey of self discovery and you shouldn't be fucking with MDMA until you have fully matured. By the way, no matter how mature you think you presently are, you arn't. no teenager is - you sound like you are advanced for your age but you will doubtlessly grow into yourself over the next few years. You will be able to fully appreciate MDMA and respect it and enjoy it moreso later in life. If you do too much of it now, you arn't going to be able to keep doing it when you are in your 20's and you will definately regret it. Twice a month or even once a month is WAY too much in my opinion, regardless of people on here who say they roll once a month and are fine. Eventually your body will just say no more. I can't handle it more than a couple times a year, and I was all for it for the first while.

The very fact that you have developed a tolerance to pills means that your sober consciousness is being affected. Your brain does not respond to the drug like it once did because it has changed. This is probably due to reversible receptor downregulation. I truly think that if I had discovered MDMA at your age, I would not be who I am today. Like others have said, you really gotta keep an eye out for addiction. Addiction creeps right up on you, I never would have thought myself an addict, and it is HORRIBLE. And my only addiction is to pot (you can get hooked on anything)... it is a severe one.

And by the way - I was getting 99's in high school physics, chemistry, and math courses. I had a B average in university, and I consider myself extremely intelligent. Physics is harder than chemistry though so you should be able to own it without too much trouble. Expect to be challenged. Have fun, exercise moderation, and you should excel.
 
Last edited:
I just know that if I want to go to school and get my bachelors or whatever in Pharmacy I better tighten the fuck up and quit the shit I'm doing. I love school, I love learning new things, I can be pretty creative and I have wonderful grades. I just wonder how long all that will last if I keep going down the path I'm headed.
 
There have been some great replies in this thread, but I just wanted to reply too as it really struck a chord with me.. I've struggled a lot with balancing my professional/academic/whatever life with my other lifestyle choices. Often the balance would tip too far one way or the other and I'd have to fight hard to fix it. I sometimes feel like I am two entirely different people squished into one body..

I fell in love with the rave scene at Uni too. I still do love it. It is such an important part of my life. However, I also love my career. It has been an exhausting ride, balancing the two, but I think I might finally have done it.. fingers crossed! It is possible. To echo everyone else - moderation really is key!! I find that it actually enhances my fun, knowing I can only do it every so often - I plan it more, get excited, it's more of a big deal to me and when I let my hair down I feel like I can really let my hair down, knowing I deserve it. It is my release from the pressures of my professional life. I am fortunate enough to think that it has also had a positive impact on my work - I am able to be more restrained and in control, knowing how it feels to not be like that and knowing that I will have my chance to play at some point :)

Having said that, I have almost slipped up a few times. It does take effort and you do need to be careful. Be very clear on what your priorities are and what you are prepared to sacrifice, be honest and realistic with what you can get away with and the impact of your partying, listen if people tell you are taking it too far (they may or may not be right, but it is always worth thinking it through) and do what feels right for you :)
 
I will just say this: my son was intelligent and knew way more about drugs and brain chemistry than I ever will. He loved to experiment with psychedelics and rave drugs and then stimulants. After a year-long addiction, he is dead. He had just turned twenty. There is that risk always.
 
^ Very, very true. I've recently lost my boyfriend, we don't know the cause, but life can be short and very precarious. I've been lucky with my lifestyle not leading to any addiction problems, but others have not. I also have a friend who has just lost one of their friends through pills adulterated with PMA..

I'm so sorry to hear about your son herbavore <3
 
I'm somehow stuck between those two worlds, too. I graduated school as one of the best of my year, i study medicine in the 5th year and i never had problems concerning the courses and at the same time i was doing my thesis and working to earn some money. At the same time i became a massive drug addict,first cannabis and occasio ally alcohol, then benzos, then opies, then stims, the last week before going to detox i thought it would be a good idea to give heroin and coke a try.

I was somehow proud on many occasions because i was able to live in both worlds. In one life i was a super-successful elite-student and in the other i bought drugs from junkies on the street. What i didnt recognize was that living those two lives really exhausted me and madw me unhappy because i couldnt be true to anyone and it was a hard fight to get back from drug life to nerd life.
Because i knew everything about those drugs i was able to tell myself that i wasnt aedicted because i knew how to control thwm. I simply thought i was too clever to let the drugs control me.

In the last 5 months it all came crashing down. Now im inn rehab to recollect all the broken parts of myself and to fix what can be fixed. I fucked up my concentration, my discipline and my whole emotional life while im still intelligent enough to see what i have done to myself. That hurts really bad. I wish i had seen it coming five years ago.
 
I can't tell you what to you but I can tell you about me.

I agree with most that nerdery and intelligence does not save you from the darker sides of drug use. I'm considered "intelligent". I have a BSc in a Biology and doing a PhD in Molecular Ecology.

Like you, I was careful to always research what I was doing and I felt I had enough knowledge to be responsible with my usage. I still got to the point of needing to get medical help for my addiction to legals.

That's another thing, I also experimented, thinking that would save me from developing an addiction to any particular substance. That's a myth. Some addictions are nothing to do with one DOC but a psychological need for distraction or stress relief. In many ways, I believe the pressure and level of difficulty required in my job has contributed to the addition.

I "experimented" a bit in the 90s with MDMA and psychedelics but never had a problem. Incedentally, hadn't touched a drug since then really. Its only now, in my 30s, as a "successful", "respectable" member of society that I've developed this problem. Self awareness is probably the only way to avoid problems the long run. I believe very few people are THAT self-aware.

Good luck. What did you choose in the end?
 
VanWeyden said:
I was somehow proud on many occasions because i was able to live in both worlds. In one life i was a super-successful elite-student and in the other i bought drugs from junkies on the street. What i didnt recognize was that living those two lives really exhausted me and madw me unhappy because i couldnt be true to anyone and it was a hard fight to get back from drug life to nerd life.
Because i knew everything about those drugs i was able to tell myself that i wasnt aedicted because i knew how to control thwm. I simply thought i was too clever to let the drugs control me.
Click to expand...

Ha! Could have written this myself. Except for the street drugs bit. I stuck to legals and RCs thinking it was safer (legally safer). Too much overconfidence is a bad thing.
 
This thread resonates with me so much. It is so difficult, walking the line between two worlds. Eminently possible, but you have to be careful, and realistic, and know what is most important to you really..

Too much overconfidence is a bad thing indeed! It can be easy to assume that because you are fairly smart, well-read (well, you read BL anyway) and indestructable (everyone thinks they are, at least when they are young) that you can do what others fail to do - it could never happen to you, you won't fuck up. Unfortunately it isn't true and in some ways you are more vulnerable, because you believe you are not..

Stay safe guys and be honest with yourselves about what is most important in your life, and what you are risking <3
 
Just make sure you keep on top of whats important to you, if things start becoming an unmanagable mess and you mental state starts slipping, you know somethings not right
 
we all love to warn people based on our own experience, but does anyone really REALLY think he will take the advice? when you look back at how your own addiction started, whether it be a stressful year, lack of sleep, that new girl you met, friends, etc. its imbedded in everyones brain how bad it is since 5th or 6th grade so we all know it. we just need to experience it for ourselves and see what it really is.

he'll do what he wants. he'll learn for himself. he may be smart now but he may get an addiction, drop out of school, and spend the next 10 years on the street. he may also realize its not right and resist temptation or break a habit early and become president.

its your life man. we cant warn you because it wont matter. life is what you make and the experience you have. so do what you want and experience it for yourself. we dont need to say we warned you because everyone did and you wont regret shit. if you get an addiction, thats just to be used as experience you cant learn for future reference. i look back and think at least it happened when i had nothing to lose and now i know how bad drug and alcohol use can be. you cant learn or be warned of that shit because you do what you want.

experience it all for yourself. the only problem is it takes a good 2 years at the very least to get an idea of it. thats the minority number too.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top