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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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^Thanks for taking the time to share that!

man, the people here have saved me from unnecessary suffering and pain as well.

I'm real glad you pulled through your own personal pain, Sheffsam. The world needs honest and caring folks like yourself <3
 
im done. completely done. i gave everything i could emotionally to somebody i loved more than anyone. i talked her out of killing herself and cutting herself so many times. i was always there. in return for that she decides to hurt me for no reason, when she knows ive had problems with suicidal thoughts and self harm, the same problems ive helped her through in her darkest times. oh well. im waiting for my dealer to get back on deck with xanax and various opiates, and i am going to take as much as i can and also drink some alcohol and hopefully fall asleep and never wake up. the only thing i am scared about is failing, and having to live with my family knowing i want to die. the reason im posting this isnt for help, its just to advice people that when you have problems with horrible depression and things like that in the first place, dont put all your feelings and emotions into one thing, because when that thing goes, you will have nothing, and will end up like me. its like in the novel The Great Gatsby, although Jay doesnt kill himself he does die and has nothing left when he does.
 
Frydea, step back for a second and think on what you are considering. Your proposed action has a very definite and final result. Its best to not act on emotion in matters like this. Our emotions are fucking powerful and, if you're like me (and you sound like me), when we hurt we hurt bad. That emotional pain passes, man. You know this.

These impulsive decisions we make are so clouded and are mostly based on us blowing the perceived actions and behaviors of others out of proportion the more we think on them. Get more information from your friend who hurt you. Ask questions. Communicate with her. Sometimes that's all it takes to bring us back to square.

Please get back to us so we don't worry and please feel free to talk here or via PM.

You don't have to go through your painful moments alone.
 
There is a greater purpose to life than living for someone else. Try to remember that with time, affect will change inevitably. Think about tomorrow, a week later, a month later, a year later.

Time will go on. :)

You can always PM me if you want to talk.
 
talking to her does no help, we just go in circles. if i tell her how she makes me feel, she just basically says "sorry i guess im just a bitch" then dismissively says if i kill myself she will too, which i know is complete bullshit because why would you kill yourself over someone youve gone out of your way to hurt. we used to (as in like months ago) get into big fights all the time, and both cuss at each other and say how we are going to kill ourselves and all that, and im done with those stupid immature fights with her. i can make a decision myself.
 
Right now all you can see and all you can focus on is how you are hurting because someone you threw everything into let you down. I won't pretend to know everything you are going through right now, but I was in a similar place back 8 years ago. I remember how much it hurts and the twist of the guts every day when I woke up and remembered it was all real.

It does get better though, as time goes on and things change. Please hang on to see those times, I can't begin to describe what you'd be missing out on if you give up now.

It might be good if you can get help and support if you can. When you're very emotional things have a way of bouncing around and around inside your head until they're so deafening they overwhelm everything else, and it's easy to make bad decisions. Getting them out to someone might settle that somewhat, and make things a little less overwhelming.

Keep going. :)
 
Frydea said:
talking to her does no help, we just go in circles. if i tell her how she makes me feel, she just basically says "sorry i guess im just a bitch" then dismissively says if i kill myself she will too, which i know is complete bullshit because why would you kill yourself over someone youve gone out of your way to hurt. we used to (as in like months ago) get into big fights all the time, and both cuss at each other and say how we are going to kill ourselves and all that, and im done with those stupid immature fights with her. i can make a decision myself.
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if, as friends, you can't communicate effectively, you may want to take a look at what exactly your relationship with this person is based on. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Also, is it possible that you have motives in being involved with her and that those motives aren't producing results from the effort? We all do that to an extent. The pain hits when dissimilar perspectives remain so contrary for so long that we become indifferent to the awareness of incompatibility

People come and they go. Yeah, some are in our lives longer than others but I think we forget that we have the ability to choose who we invite into our lives. Maybe its just time to move on from this person you've labeled 'friend'. The relationship is yielding he exact opposite results of what most interpret friendship to be
 
severely etarded said:
I can't figure out wtf wrong with me. Ever since I hit my hewed my brain feels scrambled. My dark thoughts are more frequent and intense. :(
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How are you doing today se? I just wanted to let you know that I think it's normal for people to get dark thoughts, I do sometimes as well. But that doesn't mean that you have to act on them, or even that you need to indulge them in your mind. You still have strength over your thoughts, even when everything else seems like it's too much.
When was the last time you saw a therapist?
 
^ been years since I saw one. I saw many throughout my life. But I never felt like we were going anywhere. They always use cheesy lines like "we're making so much progress, we'll see you next week :D". It just felt so fake and after years and years I eventually realize once I lost my youthful innocence - the truth - why I always felt like "really? we're making progress? I guess so. we just play stupid cheesy mind games and ask me stupid questions but I don't really ever feel much better afterward. almost a little worse in-fact". I never told them flat out but I told my parents and stopped seeing counselors. I think I made a lot more progress mutually exchanging painful anecdotes with my SO, especially during our rolling sessions. Even coming on here helps more imo. I never look back at any of the quack 'counselors' I went to. I'm sure there's plenty of good ones out there somewhere, but finding a decent doctors in the USA is like a needle in a haystack. Except you have to waste your money on every piece of straw you pick up looking for the needle lol.

I've been on zoloft effexor and welbutrin. all of them gave me too many weird side effects, manic behavior, etc. I took adderall for several years for ADD and even though no 'psychiatrist' prescribed me xanax I used to take it everyday in HS so I could relax. adderall always went perfect with benzos for me. I can't find benzos anymore, I stopped taking adderall a few years ago. I don't have much health insurance coverage at all anymore since my dad lost his job a few years ago. I just smoke weed really, now, and it used to help up until a couple months back I fell and hit my head and sustained a mild-moderate concussion. Ever since I have had a surge of deep, dark, depression. I try to have a positive outlook and it just keeps coming back, hard. They were never like this before my concussion.

I understand what you mean, trying to ignore the thoughts. But sometimes they feel like despite my greatest efforts to resist them they are going. I feel like I'm letting my SO down sometimes because I can't be happy sometimes. It's not her she is honestly a fantastic woman. She always there granted we don't get to trashed or something. Alcohol can cause problems between anyone at times, despite having good experiences the other 99% of the times you drink a lot. There's always the 1% (or more with some other people I know) risk of problems with alcohol though. Is why I don't drink much anymore. especially after my little incident a couple weeks ago.... 8(

BTW n3o - I want to thank you and all TDS mods. You guys are fantastic, and some of the most caring individuals. Captain Heroin too, he's not a mod for TDS but he is for 3 other forums and posts almost as much as any other mod here I think. <3 you all
 
my kidneys, or something on either side, bellow both lungs, on my back feel bloated and on fucking fire.


i can not use my phone to call out, for fuX sake, please pm me........this is the pain my god
 
^^ Hang in there PIP, you're going to be okay man <3

severely etarded said:
I just smoke weed really, now, and it used to help up until a couple months back I fell and hit my head and sustained a mild-moderate concussion. Ever since I have had a surge of deep, dark, depression. I try to have a positive outlook and it just keeps coming back, hard. They were never like this before my concussion.
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Man, it's actually quite common for people to get severe depression after head injuries. So if you suffered with depression before, this could have easily made it a whole lot worse. I know that doesn't solve anything but perhaps if you know the reason why your thoughts are darker and scarier than before your fall, it might help to make more sense of it? Like, to know that there is a genuine reason why you're having such a hard time at the moment.

I totally understand about not wanting to spend the time/energy/money on finding a good therapist. Does your SO know how much you're struggling since your injury??
 
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n3ophy7e said:
^^ Hang in there PIP, you're going to be okay man <3


Man, it's actually quite common for people to get severe depression after head injuries. So if you suffered with depression before, this could have easily made it a whole lot worse. I know that doesn't solve anything but perhaps if you know the reason why your thoughts are darker and scarier than before your fall, it might help to make more sense of it? Like, to know that there is a genuine reason why you're having such a hard time at the moment.

I totally understand about not wanting to spend the time/energy/money on finding a good therapist. Does your SO know how much you're struggling since your injury??
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I kind of suspected that might have something to do with it. It's almost uncontrollable like I said I just try to keep a good outlook and keep my chin up, about all I can think of to fight it. I exercise 45-60 minutes everyday almost. My diet is good too.

My SO knows, she understands my feelings and does her best to comfort me. She's really great IDK what I do without her tbh. She also thinks the bump on my head is directly related to the recent surge in depression/mindfuck. It's weird it seemed to make all my underlying mental conditions a little worse. I hope it gets better, that would suck if this is permanent. Maybe my mind will adapt over time and the feelings will slowly diminish? I hope so.
 
severely etarded said:
I hope it gets better, that would suck if this is permanent. Maybe my mind will adapt over time and the feelings will slowly diminish? I hope so.
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Yeah I definitely think you will get better mate. Did you ever see a doctor after your fall?? Maybe it might be worth getting your head checked out to make sure you haven't done any serious damage?
 
oi, too much detail maybe, seemed fair to delete.
~
i refused painkillers at the ER, and a while ago the pain was so fucking brilliant i though that i was going to lose it - i was trying to lay down in bed when my dad, much to my surprise, was in my house, calling for me. WTF?!?

he was seeing what was up - i went to meet him, he saw me and said that the Dr slipped him a script for me, just in case - heh, i have an appointment with a urologist, and a refill tomorrow, - i dont exactly like the idea of all that tylenol in my system with all this going on, but man i was pushing it a but much - thanks again - and - it is now nap time for me.....
 
thanks for the update, PIP. I'm glad your feeling better. I do feel like an ass for not checking this thread when I was logged in. :(
 
n3ophy7e said:
Yeah I definitely think you will get better mate. Did you ever see a doctor after your fall?? Maybe it might be worth getting your head checked out to make sure you haven't done any serious damage?
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My insurance sucks, I have a $5k annual deductible. A visit would be about 150 and then an MRI is about $1200. I figure it's just not worth it, since my insurance doesn't pay anything. It's only useful for a good little stay in the hospital tbh. I barely pay my bills so I didn't point in spending $1350 just to get a picture of my brain taken. I just don't see what else they could do.

From my research I sustained a cerebral contusion. I was only out for a few seconds. But when I came to I had all the classic symptoms: post-traumatic amnesia (anterograde with confusion for a few minutes) headache (on polar opposite sides of my head, both throbbing), dizziness, nausea. (I almost threw up several times sometimes when I would try to get up and do shit around the house for a couple days, maybe a whole 48 hours but I never actually vomited, I would just get really bad cold sweats and I knew it was coming when I laid down I felt better). Overall the headache and dizziness slowly tapered off over about three weeks. I still feel a little off, but much better in contrast to when it happened 8o The first week was hell with dizziness/headache/depression

I read if severe symptoms do not persist more than 48 hours or so, it shouldn't be too urgent. I do seem to be recovering so I opted to save the visit. Healthcare is so damn expensive in America, even for healthy people I pay $95/month and that's only because I'm healthy and they think i'm a student, just for a 5k deductible plan! it's ridiculous, and if you want better insurance that covers shit, expect to pay $500+/month for the coverage alone, not to mention co-pays you still owe. Unless you work for a big corporation that doesn't dump on it's employees benefits like Wal-Mart does nowadays... (They like to hire everyone part time to avoid offering discounted insurance...)

America's healthcare is ridiculously expensive and fucked TBPH
 
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