Morphine and diazepam? Ah man. BOTH of those drugs are HIGHLY addictive,and one hell of a BITCH to get off of. I get your mindset and I can only tell you that although you kicked H, too often people (especially young insecure with zero self confidence) all too often make the mistake of taking a plethera of pills or other habit forming dope-BAD IDEA. I was like you. I am an introvert, had ZERO self confidence in my looks, my low income jobs compared to what I "should" be bone thin able to brag about 6 digit income with 10 Ferraris and a mansion in Bel Air, blah blah lol. When out of High School, even my first year of college I had no idea what I was gonna do with the rest of my life. On one hand ideally I wanted a masters in psychology with a successful practice-a lovely idea, but a dream that would forever be out of my reach. I needed to work for money, went to work and school part time and without any real skills outside of typing and being bilengual, left me with minumum wage jobs and the money was never enough making $3-5/hr. I wanted plenty of time to party, back then that was pot and coke.
I just wasnt smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough and even if i had been all those things in my mind, the constant nagging self doubt would see to it that whatever the case, I would always be lacking something and constantly fearful that whatever I DID enjoy in terms of people, beauty, money, things some circumstance or people would take it away whether it was a guy, status,ect.
I would berate myself fill up on self hate and drugs temporarily took these fucked up negative mental badgering away-for a while. The drugs ran out, I was broke and just generally pissed off and hated other women that got more attention than I did because although not so much because they were prettier but more for not constantly projecting this inferiority crap. I hated men that always chose other women or cheated on me for the same thing-needy people project this energy that does the very thing they fear most, drive others away or become a magnet for SOs and friends that are predators.
In terms of career, I got a low income job when I was 22, which I had been VERY excited about and found I loved it, eventually as well a trade school that would be 18 months long, long enough to take the test licence an get licence to practice work I wanted plus more than minimum wage jobs, and had I made different choices, instead of having my wages docked, due to both living above my means when first on my own at age 24 plus fucking off on responsibilities and ignoring bullshit dope fiends are famous for.
Ive had 30 yrs of dope habit on and off, more on than off and @ 47 yrs old have nothing to show except a job of six year. Anyone that is non supportive/judgemental of you are certainly NOT your friends and if they are so fucking perfect, why arent they walking on water? I find it amuzing that the most judgemental ex associates and acquaintainces are quick to be holier than thou, yet smoke pot, do pills, X, but by God dont do smack and never have--YET. Its so much easier for people like those at this party you went to, to point fingers in order to make you a scapegoat while telling themselves lies like they are ok. They take X, pot, benzos, maybe some blow once in a while--they dont or wont see the writing on the wall and most of them are addicts or habits in training and you wait 20 or 30 yrs later, bump into some folks from your past and if they dont say it,their face, the clothes,the missing teeth,jails will tell the story.
Youve got to ditch the low self esteem,and if a group of FRENIMIES gets in your face, dude they are not worth giving a fuck about as to what they think of you. People come and go in your life, just as all outside distractions do and circumstances. If you bring the inner calm within you, learn some meditation, study the disciplines of martial arts which could be an outlet for negative energy and turn it to positive---and kick the pills and the dope learn to be naturally high-its doubtful you will find yourself in a fucked up situation being 47 and broke--and a habit way easier to break NOW as opposed to 25 or 30 yrs from now---at which point may be physically impossible cause of anhedonia,PAWS,too much for your heart,lungs ectmaking licit or illicit opiate/benzo maintainance necessary. Ideally, best to tapermedical help or try an Ibogaine detox if u can afford goin to Canada or Mexico. A trip and a detox, plus some kind of medidative maintainance. I would if I had the $ which I dont, but if you turn to pills,benzos,booze every time people or circumstances make you feel like crap,is sure way back to being hooked all over again.
