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I'm addicted to buzzes

L

LiquidEx

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2011
Messages
90
To keep it short and sweet, I have taken drugs almost daily for 5 years now, i'm 18 years old, first started off with daily smoking cannabis, then moved on to drinking, then on to benzos to uppers to rc's and even done my fair share of heroin/opiods. I really have had enough, theres not a week that guy by where I can't ingest any substances, I work out at the gym EVERY day, I work 8 till 4 weekdays, yet I come home and think 'I need a buzz' it's like I can't handle soberierty. It's killing me, i'm constantly in debt to drug dealers, don't have money to get myself decent clothes, even have a decent outward appearance, I hate myself, if I wasn;t such a pussy I would end it all, I've never had a proper gf, had about 3 sexual encounters, basically I have really low self esteem. I never have any money cos I spend it on useless crap, I can drive but don't want to book my theory test or practical test due to the cost involved. Basically I want my normal humanity back, instead of being a drugs fiend. I'm especially finding it hard to keep away from heroin havn't had any for 3 months but if i'm drunk or intoxicated I try my hardest to find some (no successes so far) I can't trust myself. My moneys gone by the time I get it, I try talk to my doctor and all I get is go to therapy and stay off drugs ect, thats never going to work cos I don't wanna stop completely, I just wanna have a good time but be able to operate like a normal human like, going out to the pub for a night out, getting decent clothes, get a gf ect. I'm always in debt and no way to escape it.


HELP.
 
I also have mental health issues, in the past year i've self harmed twice, suffer panic attacks, mood swings, paranoia, depression, My doctor refuses to give me any meds to due my drug issues, I also think I may have add or adhd because i'm literally retarded, my brain is pickled from smoking cannabis daily, I can barely understand basic instructions. I forgot things 2 mins after being told them, how i'm not fired is a miracle because I suck at my job due my drug abuse which has ravaged my mind. I wanna bring this up with my doc but i'm afraid he'll just think i'm trying to acquire drugs. I also literally do hate myself, I wake up thinking why me, and wish I was born somebody different, I constantly daydream about being powerful and better looking, basically pretending to be someone I'm not, I also constantly think about suicide and wether I would be missed or not, wishing that some accident would happen to me where I died and I could see wether people cared or not.
 
Some of us are unable to stop on their own. Have you considered placing yourself in treatment?
 
I have, but I think that I would look stupid, and that it wouldn't really help me, i'm pretty fucking arrogant. I also think that therapy wouldn't help a person like me, I wouldn;t take it seriously. I would feel like I would be going to somewhere where I would get my balls busted, I have enough of that from my mother, I aslo bottle up everything and very defensive when It comes to stuff like that
 
LiquidEx said:
To keep it short and sweet, I have taken drugs almost daily for 5 years now, i'm 18 years old, first started off with daily smoking cannabis, then moved on to drinking, then on to benzos to uppers to rc's and even done my fair share of heroin/opiods. I really have had enough, theres not a week that guy by where I can't ingest any substances, I work out at the gym EVERY day, I work 8 till 4 weekdays, yet I come home and think 'I need a buzz' it's like I can't handle soberierty. It's killing me, i'm constantly in debt to drug dealers, don't have money to get myself decent clothes, even have a decent outward appearance, I hate myself, if I wasn;t such a pussy I would end it all, I've never had a proper gf, had about 3 sexual encounters, basically I have really low self esteem. I never have any money cos I spend it on useless crap, I can drive but don't want to book my theory test or practical test due to the cost involved. Basically I want my normal humanity back, instead of being a drugs fiend. I'm especially finding it hard to keep away from heroin havn't had any for 3 months but if i'm drunk or intoxicated I try my hardest to find some (no successes so far) I can't trust myself. My moneys gone by the time I get it, I try talk to my doctor and all I get is go to therapy and stay off drugs ect, thats never going to work cos I don't wanna stop completely, I just wanna have a good time but be able to operate like a normal human like, going out to the pub for a night out, getting decent clothes, get a gf ect. I'm always in debt and no way to escape it.


HELP.
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Okay first you need to get a little perspective dude, now i'm not at all saying your feelings arent valid or real, but you know man, when i was your age, i had never even had a hand job, i hadnt even touched a girl since i was 13, i was smoking weed daily and hitting stims whenever i could. By age 21 i was still a virgin, still no girl contact, still life.

Dude talking suicide over this really is being abit of a sook in my opinion, you're 18 man, when you think in terms of a lifetime, you're still a little baby, yet to find himself in this world, and to be honest man that dosnt really happen for a few years yet, the confusion and shit you feel is natural dude.

Your 18 man, its not like you've been using drugs for 30 years, less than 10 years ago you were living fine without a daily buzz. You arent physically addicted to anything, how badly do you want this man? No way to escape this? Have you even tried to help yourself in any way? Or did you just want us all to tell you how hard your life is and feel sorry for you man. I dont mean to be harsh dude but your so young, immature, your life hasn't really even begun yet, you could go seek some help, get that kick in the ass you so dearly fuckin need, and by time you're 20, it could be like you never even used drugs man.

Stay positive man. Your situation really isnt as bad as you're making it out to be inside your mind.
 
Dude I appreciate your post 8L4YN3, and yes I know my life literally isnt as bad as it seems, but my mind makes it that bad, and im scared that ill be some drug junkie for the rest of my life, and the part of the world i'm from, everyone has gfs everyones doing one stands ect, people think i'm gay.... And I know man but when your so called friends and almost everyone you know in town is talking about you, hating you, revolting you, boxing you into a corner, suicide comes to mind alot, especially with my inter family fighting. And no i'm not looking for sympathy, I think alot of it has to do with me being so submissive, I was bullied alot by 'friends' and manipulated and treated like shit off so many people who have the cheek to call themselves a friend. And when your drowning in this ocean of debt, worrying what happens when you run out of drugs, worrying about not having money to pay the mother who despises to stay in the house, worrying about what everyone knows about you, worrying about getting attacked in the street. I dunno I know its all in the head, but I would say the mind is more dangerous to yourself then others.
 
And just to let you guys know, soon as I quit one drug I will move on to another, I quit smoking dope and moved straight onto valium, then chucked valium then went back to heroin, then turned into an alcoholic then went back to smoking dope again, like I said, I need something or i'll get sectioned again...
 
You need to see a psychiatrist sweetheart. You need someone who knows their brain chemistry to steer your mind back to some kind of homeostasis.

At least if you got sectioned you could come off of all this stuff in a safe environment.
 
Sounds like you need a hobby that will calm your mind, make you physically/emotionally stronger. You already go to the gym which is good but have you ever tried martial arts? You will be interacting with everyone there thus making possible friends, you will feel confident that you are disciplined and able to handle yourself (as you said you feared being beat up etc)

I suggest Aikido if you can find a class...it got me out of my rut and unlike other martial arts its really not violent but rather a harmonious way of defending yourself...Aikido is a way of life that is never fully mastered. I suggest looking it up for more info. Good thing with Aikido is you rarely get hurt (not to say it isn't effective) just that your always respecting and in tune with your partner.

That said if you don't mind the odd broken bone you could do other arts. I've tried many but Aikido was hands down the best.

If you want to talk PM me.

EDIT: Before doing this seek medical help otherwise you may hurt someone or yourself.
 
LiquidEx said:
And just to let you guys know, soon as I quit one drug I will move on to another, I quit smoking dope and moved straight onto valium, then chucked valium then went back to heroin, then turned into an alcoholic then went back to smoking dope again, like I said, I need something or i'll get sectioned again...
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I wish I had that much disposable cash when I was fuckin 18, along with a drug dealer with such a variety of merchandise.
That alone would've spared me a fuckload of stress. 8)

Since resources and security apparently aren't issues for you.......

If you're that aware of yourself, with knowledge of the exact problems to that level of fuckin detail; grab some sack, change what sucks, get outside help...... or at least stop complaining.
If you spend all your time being your own worst critic, others can't help but see you as you first see yourself.
 
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LiquidEx said:
I have, but I think that I would look stupid, and that it wouldn't really help me, i'm pretty fucking arrogant. I also think that therapy wouldn't help a person like me, I wouldn;t take it seriously. I would feel like I would be going to somewhere where I would get my balls busted, I have enough of that from my mother, I aslo bottle up everything and very defensive when It comes to stuff like that
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If you can't do it yourself then what other options do you have? You don't know what will or won't help until you give it a fair try. The fear of 'looking stupid' doesn't cut it. People come and they go and making mistakes that make us look 'stupid' are all with the territory of living life.

All options available for treating addiction require action and effort on the addicts part. There is no magic pill (sadly).

You're kind of asking for help by making this thread and that is something that is positive and it required effort and action. Take it to the next level. If you can't do it yourself then you need outside help. So take some healthy risks and get outside of your comfort level.

If you half-ass your efforts, you'll get half-assed results (or none at all).
 
/\ Yeh thats whats interesting about bluelight is it takes 0 effort to make a thread in TDS but %100 active effort to actually improve your life. So you wind up seeing the same people all the time complaining about their lives (myself included) because the work involved to fix it is just too tedious or their ambitions/priorities are screwed up.

I tend to think most of the time it comes down to priorities. And once a person gets those ducks in a row, its almost impossible not to succeed. Like right now I know I need a cup of coffee and will go get one. Will I go get a $4.00 coffee from star bucks, a $2.00 coffee from dunkin, or a $1.00 coffee from 7-11?

Where are my priorities? I know I'm a hedonist so naturally dunkin or starbucks are going to have the best tasting, and I need that especially cause I smoke (another misaligned priority I'm just flushing money) and even looking at just how I compare things my mind is twisted. Like I can ALSO go to a supermarket and by a $3.00 back of maxwell or something that will last 2 weeks... but no I can't do that fucking shit because I like to pretend I'm not really broke/poor.

So I'm gonna get up and go to Dunkin, do the same thing tommorow, then come back to BL a week from now and make a thread about how fucking miserably poor I am cause I spent all my money on expensive coffee/brand name cigs lol.

Life really is crazy sometimes though. At least in terms of being broke, I noticed if you REALLY set your mind to making/saving money sometimes you can actually do it. It just takes a lot of effort and will - something drug addicts aren't always so comfortable with.
 
I think it is obvious you have some deep rooted problems LiquidEX. Like others have said, 18 is still a baby, you have time to do whatever you want with your life. What I HIGHLY suggest is that you find a good psychiatrist and start working through things. Don't be afraid to tell him everything, he is there to listen and not judge or 'report' you. As far as your drug problem, not being you, I can't determine how bad it really is. You can try to start going to NA/AA meetings, if nothing else just to see you aren't alone. If that doesn't work , start looking for rehabs.

I think the best thing for you, beside the psych, will to be setting in the same room with people that have been doing this shit for 20 or 30 years and have sold there soul for this lifestyle and in the process lost loved ones and opportunities to it.
 
Appreciate the posts guys, only support round here is CADS(community alcohol drugs service) or Signpost, both of which are more for heroin/opiate addicts looking for maintenance programs, I guess a phychiatrist would be the best option. :) Thanks for advice
 
Good deal, the psychiatrist should be the only person you need to talk to in order to get all the resources you need. He will address your addictions and find the appropriate treatment. Good Luck friend, don't give up
 
yo liquidex, and look i can completely understand it seeming that bad in your mind, and you're valid in feeling that way man. And im happy you understood my post man, because like what i was getting at is although you may feel like you have no hope left, the truth is you got a lot of life yet dude, it hasn't really even begun yet.

And believe me i understand the whole people starting to think you may be gay thing, trust me it was the same with me. I think you are thinking of everything you are unhappy with in your life, and it's just overwhelming you, like thinking of it all at once, it seems so hopeless that you could ever change. But believe me man, it's amazing how far you can actually get away from the drug using mentality provided a few important things happen in your life first. And of course it's all in your head, but that dosn't make it no valid or not real feeling that you feel daily man. And i agree with the mind being powerful man, it can fuck you right up, or be the catalyst for changing your life and never looking back.

And i can tell by your non defensive reply that you truly do feel the way you say you do, and really do want help not sympathy man. No one here will have all the answers but we can tell you what has worked for us.

For me of course first was the desire to change for me, not for anyone else. Then i got some help, because as you said your own mind sometimes works against you, and its healthy to be exposed to another persons interpretation or perception of your problems. Then i decided to go to school, which ment i had to catch busses(i couldnt leave the house before), and slowly slowly i started improving, then i started progressing by leaps and bounds, then i met this girl, and felt motivation to get clean like i didn't even know existed, i felt happiness in being on no drugs that i thought i had lost or destroyed.

Please have faith in yourself man, this is the way things are ment to be. You will get clean, and once you're out on the other end of this, you wont regret a thing as it was ment to happen this way and made you a better person for it. I see so much of my self in you man, even down to the paranoia of walking down a street. PM me any time dude or speak to me on msn im here for ya mate.
 
I reject the argument put by some other people here that, because the OP is 18, his problems are somehow less legitimate or able to be simply overcome. Surely if anything is subjective it is mental health; objectivity has fuck all to do with these things. This is why studies have shown that people living in Ghana or Indian slums are happier, on average, than French University students. So I totally reject that argument.

To the OP - man, you need - as someone else said - to get your priorities sorted. It sounds like debt is a big source of stress for you. Because you're not physically dependent on any one substance, it seems like you're in a really great position to simply stop buying drugs and start paying off the debt. You should also be using your money for a psychiatrist. I think you need to tell the shrink about the drugs if you want him to be able to help you. This may mean that he won't give you things like benzos, but it sounds like a benzo script would be destructive for someone like you. He can still help you to find an effective anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug that will help you get your life on track.

Your age, in my view, is really only relevant to the extent that it means there is a very high probability that you will be able to experience full remission. But this is obviously a great thing!
 
Maybe you need help, if your ready? It would be nice to look into. I have a friend who did, after his 30 days he was felling good and went to another program because he wasnt ready to leave and felt he couldnt stay clean. now hes doing awesome, still in the halfway home. But I addicted to buzzes, if Im not doing drugs or smoking green Im miserable. Im sure its in my head, at least my mom says it is, she can tell when im sober, but I cant stand it, I need some sort of buzz, if I have nothing I usually am drinking alcohol so I at least have a buzz
 
18 is a tough age man, very confusing time filled with self-doubt.
You're at the top of a downward spiral in my opinion, don't be too hard on yourself because you are still young and have a lot of time to learn, but also don't underestimate where that potential spiral can take you. Surface problems can quickly turn to deep seeded emotional problems.

Analyze your situation, if you truly believe something is wrong then there's no better time to do something about it; before it gets any worse.
Be prepared for your own arrogance when seeking any sort of professional help, its almost unavoidable at that age, no therapist could tell me what to do at 18, but if you realize that this is a possibility then it can open you up a little more which aids the help in the long run

Just don't let things get out of control, if you see yourself weakening or that problems are getting the best of you, take steps to fix it.
Don't ever just put it to the back of your mind and pray for it to go away, you're in the drivers seat of your own life, always remember that.
 
while i agree that a psychiatrist can be useful, don't underestimate the benefits of an actual counselor. don't just go see a doctor, get a script, and go on your way if you expect anything to really change. as drug addicts we would love to just swallow a pill and have our heads sorted out for us because god knows it's very difficult to do by ourselves. before i started seeing my counselor i was as pessimistic as i possibly could be. the whole attitude of "this can't work for me" is part and parcel to addicts. we often want to think we are the most incurable people to ever roam the earth. nobody does drugs like me! in reality there are millions of people just like you. and a lot of those people have found help when they genuinely wanted it.

it's good that you are able to at least recognize the pitfalls are addiction and drug use so soon. i don't mean to harp on your age but like others have said already, nobody could tell me shit about my drug use as a kid. now at 28 i actually envy that kind of self awareness as i certainly wish i had an ounce of it when i was younger. but i'll stop now before i start dwelling on the past :)
 
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