xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,009
Before I begin, I should emphasize that this is NOT a trip report. It seems like one at first, but I have legit questions and concerns that can't be answered without knowing what my high(s) are like first. Yes, I get two different types- the high I experience in a social setting is different from the one I experience when smoking on my own. Neither of them are bad, in fact both are very positive, but they're a little TOO positive. I'll try to explain why I find my reaction to weed so strange as I go along, in order to make it seem less like a trip report. One of the reasons is that I know a lot of people who smoke weed, but don't know of anyone who has the same reaction as I do.
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Oh, and since it's long, I tried to format it in a way so that it's hopefully easier to follow. If it's not, please let me know and I'll try to go back and edit it so that it is! That being said, I guess I'll just jump right into it.
High #1: In a social setting
1. The people I'm with- no matter who I'm with, how many, or how well I know them, they'll somehow become my favorite people in the world at the time.
2. I'll get hyped up and enthusiastic about whatever subject comes up or what we're doing. I'm outgoing by nature, but weed increases that times ten. Even something boring like math would make me happy.
3. Along those lines, I'll get very perky and chatty. Not in an annoying way, it's just that everything just seems so awesome that I can't help it.
4. Since I just completely like everyone, I'll go out of my way to make everyone feel comfortable, send out as many positive vibes as possible, and try to create an uplifting atmosphere.
5. I'm already a confident person, but I'll become even more confident in myself and how I look.
6. I'll take notice of all of the good qualities everyone has, even if someone there is being super negative. Not even that brings me down when I'm high. I'll just either assume they're having a bad day, or it will just roll off my back and I won't really notice.
Why do I find all these things a bit strange?
The biggest thing is, it didn't always affect me this way. Used to be the exact opposite, actually. The only exceptions are when I was smoking with my brother, cousin, or boyfriend. But even then, it wasn't even close to how I get now. I didn't trust girls at all back then; my two "best friends" at the time were not exactly the epitome of loyal or supportive or any of the other things besties should be. So when I would smoke with them or anyone other than family/my boyfriend, I didn't trust them, got paranoid and convinced that they were making inside jokes and laughing at my expense. Of course, now I know this wasn't actually the case - I was just being paranoid. But nevertheless at the time, I felt uncomfortable and awkward, never knew what to say, became super withdrawn and lost in my own head... usually in a loop of negative thoughts, and wouldn't talk much. I was definitely stuck on stupid. This went on for about three years before I joined the military and had to (obviously) quit.
Another reason my current social high is odd to me, is because I'm really NOT that nice of a person when someone is disrespecting me or being negative. I don't like to put up with people's bullshit, and I will be the first one to call someone out. But when I'm high it's like the people around me can do no wrong, even in the rare instances where someone there is saying ignorant shit that would normally provoke me.
It's as though weed gives me this superpower amount of patience or something.
So there's that. Then there's how I act when I just smoke by myself (which I actually prefer for a few reasons- you'll see why). So, here we go...
High #2: Smoking myself out when no one else is around
In regards to the things I'm about to mention, there is no rhyme or reason to them- I'll do any number of them during my high. Sometimes I'll even do them all. But I always do at least one.
1. I'll sit down, think about a current problem, and the most logical and best solution will just come to me out of no where. I'll think about my life and feel at peace with every situation, very optimistic about everything. This is one of my favorite things about weed. I've never come up with better solutions to things than I have when I'm high.
2. I'll want to be productive, and so I'll do pretty much anything other than something that doesn't benefit my life somehow. Whether it's cleaning or doing laundry or paying bills or tackling a bunch of homework at once or job hunting. Whatever needs to get done.
3. I'll feel an urgent need to groom myself. I'll literally do everything. Shower, wash my hair (shampoo and condition), shave, exfoliate, moisturize, perfect my eyebrows, face wash, brush + whiten + floss, pamper my hair so it looks super shiny and healthy and give it a blowout, do my make-up with a ton of precision and experiment with new color combinations, soften my lips with vaseline + toothbrush or damp washcloth, tan, clean my ears and nails, mani/pedi, iron the shit out of what I want to wear, get rid of any lint or dog hair, put cucumbers over my eyes, etc. I'm not kidding. Literally anything you can think of which involves grooming yourself, I do it. Very thoroughly. My goal is to make myself so fresh and so clean, as much as possible. Being 100% clean, put together, and looking your absolute best while you're high... absolute best feeling ever. Of course, then I'll want to go out and do something - doesn't matter what, with who, or what time of day it is. Who doesn't want to go out and do something when they're looking fucking amazing?
4. I'll become extremely health-conscious and start doing toning exercises such as crunches, lunges, etc. I'll scour my kitchen for the healthiest meal or snack possible. I'll become extremely aware of my posture and make sure it's absolutely perfect, just because great posture is good for you. And I'll hardly want to smoke cigarettes.
5. I'll have a strong desire to do anything creative. And then I never finish it, because once my high wears off it interrupts my flow and I can never seem to get back to it or remember where I was going with it.
6. I'll create random lists and plans in order to "organize" my life on Word docs. Most of the time I'll just focus on one area- scour job sites and write down all of the job details, then apply to them all at once. Plan out my course schedule for the next six semesters. Create a meal and exercise plan for every day of the rest of the month. And they all went on different word docs. Once or twice, I actually analyzed every single area of my life and made a separate word doc for each- career, finances, school, all of my interpersonal relationships (each with their own separate Word doc), health, fitness, my personal character. And then I took all of the things I'd written out that I wanted to do in order to improve my life, and set up an Excel spreadsheet to do-list... for an entire month... day by day and hour by hour. Had I actually used that intricate freaking plan and followed it to a T, my life would probably be as close to perfect as possible right now. But of course I lost interest in that too after a day or so, fell back into my normal routine, and deleted it.
And why do I find this strange?
Numbers 3 and 6. I think that says it all right there - that's just straight up being obsessive compulsive. Something I am not when I'm sober. Yes, I am a bit of a perfectionist and do create lists (small ones though, like things I need to buy)... but it's nothing close to feeling like I need to create long, intricate lists in order to actually put the thingsI need/want to do into action. But no, when I'm high, I need absolutely everything to be down to an exact science when I'm doing this, because otherwise I feel like I won't do any of it unless I have a list to check off. As far as the grooming goes... well, it feels great after, but it's still ridiculous to do every single thing in one day. It should not take two to three hours just to get ready for the day. My normal routine just goes like: shower, moisturize, wash face, teeth, and ears, do the Vaseline thing (but sans toothbrush), and do hair and make up (just not with so much precision)... then I shave and wash my hair every other day, tan three times a week, and only fix my eyebrows and nails when it absolutely needs to be done. The exfoliation/cucumber... maybe once a week at most. But when I'm high? Forget about it, I want to do it all at once. I am also normally not so health conscious. I only exercise when I feel like it (part of that is because I'm so petite already, so I sort of forget to). I definitely eat fast food or a TV dinner at least once a week. And also when I'm sober, I generally don't feel much motivation to do the things that need to get done. I usually procrastinate and wait until the last minute, or do it really half assed, or do just a little bit at a time, enough to make a small dent, and come back to it later.
But the main thing that puzzles me? I have anxiety in my day to day life, even get a bit paranoid every once in a while. And, I mean, completely normal people who have no anxiety/paranoia to speak of will smoke weed and suddenly become a nervous wreck and a basket case. But then I smoke it, a person who does have anxiety, and suddenly all is right in the world; I don't feel anxious or paranoid at all anymore, just positive and optimistic, like there's nothing to even be anxious or worried about. The other thing is the impeccable logic and problem-solving skills weed gives me, because I'm super impulsive by nature. I never sit down and think before I do things - unless I'm high, of course - I just act on what I'm feeling at the moment. And this impulsivity has negatively impacted my life in more ways than one, more times than I can count. But when I'm high, I actually stop and think for once, question whether it's actually a good idea, figure out it's not, come up with a logical solution, then react and carry on with maturity.
Here, a rough example: Guy I like bails on plans we made a week ago.
Normal reaction: Text him irately, saying that if he doesn't want to hang out, then to just say so.
Normal outcome of my normal reaction: He gets pissed off at me and doesn't want to deal with my shit, starts ignoring me, which pisses me off even more, and a viscous cycle ensues.
Now for my "high" reaction: Read the text saying he "can't make it", get pissed off, consider reacting how I normally would, finally decide instead to take the better route, to give him the benefit of the doubt and just call him and find out what's going on.
Outcome of my reaction on weed: Guy says he can't do what we originally planned because of some perfectly acceptable reason, we change the plans a bit, we have a good conversation, and we hang up on good terms.
All in all, I definitely feel like weed makes me a better person. I find that quite ironic. For a lot of people I know, weed just makes them lazy and bored. Hopefully my post made sense, or at the very least made enough sense for someone to be able to give me some insight about it. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I mean why would I complain about weed blessing me with the most positive highs ever? I just find the whole thing quite strange since I don't know anyone else who does this, so I have a few concerns about it.
As for my questions...
1. Has anyone else had similar reactions to weed? I'm not asking if anyone creates lists and tweaks out on their grooming and cleaning habits, but does anyone have anything similar to that?
2. Is it possible I could have some type of dormant OCD that comes out when I get high? I mean, normal people do not start novels and drawings and lists and then never finish them, or clean their room until it's completely spotless, or spend hours grooming themselves. The only people who do that are tweakers and people who have OCD. I'm not a tweaker, so... that only leaves one other option. Is this plausible? Could it be OCD? Or does it seem like it could just be a normal reaction to getting high, sort of the way it's a normal reaction after doing meth or something?
3. I like the way weed affects me right now, but since my highs have changed throughout the years, I definitely don't want to go back to the anxiety and paranoia days. Is THAT possible, now that I've reached a different state of mind seemingly on my own.. without even really knowing how I did it? Anything I can do to maintain or even increase the positive highs?
4. I completely forgot to mention that I'm on a small daily dose of xanax, Suboxone, and Vistaril (a non-benzo anxiolytic). I occasionally take 5-HTP and St. John's Wort. Could any of the above medications/supplements or combination of any of them have something to do with the way I react?
5. Last but not least, just in case none of the above apply, any other theories? Or am I just over thinking things as usual? haha.
Anyway, if anyone has any insight, I'd appreciate it. And I'd love to hear from anyone else who experiences/has experienced a high that's different from the "norm". And by the "norm", I mean that stoney, chill, sorta spaced out feeling. If you know what I mean lol.
Thanks in advance for any answers I might get (though not expecting too many cause of how LONG this is). If you read this far, I salute you. For reals. I know some of my posts are a lot to take in, and this is also my first time posting in this particular forum, so I'm sure a lot of you are like "Who the hell is this crazy chick?" haha so if you've stuck through it this long, thanks for that as well.
=/
Oh, and since it's long, I tried to format it in a way so that it's hopefully easier to follow. If it's not, please let me know and I'll try to go back and edit it so that it is! That being said, I guess I'll just jump right into it.
High #1: In a social setting
1. The people I'm with- no matter who I'm with, how many, or how well I know them, they'll somehow become my favorite people in the world at the time.
2. I'll get hyped up and enthusiastic about whatever subject comes up or what we're doing. I'm outgoing by nature, but weed increases that times ten. Even something boring like math would make me happy.
3. Along those lines, I'll get very perky and chatty. Not in an annoying way, it's just that everything just seems so awesome that I can't help it.
4. Since I just completely like everyone, I'll go out of my way to make everyone feel comfortable, send out as many positive vibes as possible, and try to create an uplifting atmosphere.
5. I'm already a confident person, but I'll become even more confident in myself and how I look.
6. I'll take notice of all of the good qualities everyone has, even if someone there is being super negative. Not even that brings me down when I'm high. I'll just either assume they're having a bad day, or it will just roll off my back and I won't really notice.
Why do I find all these things a bit strange?
The biggest thing is, it didn't always affect me this way. Used to be the exact opposite, actually. The only exceptions are when I was smoking with my brother, cousin, or boyfriend. But even then, it wasn't even close to how I get now. I didn't trust girls at all back then; my two "best friends" at the time were not exactly the epitome of loyal or supportive or any of the other things besties should be. So when I would smoke with them or anyone other than family/my boyfriend, I didn't trust them, got paranoid and convinced that they were making inside jokes and laughing at my expense. Of course, now I know this wasn't actually the case - I was just being paranoid. But nevertheless at the time, I felt uncomfortable and awkward, never knew what to say, became super withdrawn and lost in my own head... usually in a loop of negative thoughts, and wouldn't talk much. I was definitely stuck on stupid. This went on for about three years before I joined the military and had to (obviously) quit.
Another reason my current social high is odd to me, is because I'm really NOT that nice of a person when someone is disrespecting me or being negative. I don't like to put up with people's bullshit, and I will be the first one to call someone out. But when I'm high it's like the people around me can do no wrong, even in the rare instances where someone there is saying ignorant shit that would normally provoke me.
It's as though weed gives me this superpower amount of patience or something.
So there's that. Then there's how I act when I just smoke by myself (which I actually prefer for a few reasons- you'll see why). So, here we go...
High #2: Smoking myself out when no one else is around
In regards to the things I'm about to mention, there is no rhyme or reason to them- I'll do any number of them during my high. Sometimes I'll even do them all. But I always do at least one.
1. I'll sit down, think about a current problem, and the most logical and best solution will just come to me out of no where. I'll think about my life and feel at peace with every situation, very optimistic about everything. This is one of my favorite things about weed. I've never come up with better solutions to things than I have when I'm high.
2. I'll want to be productive, and so I'll do pretty much anything other than something that doesn't benefit my life somehow. Whether it's cleaning or doing laundry or paying bills or tackling a bunch of homework at once or job hunting. Whatever needs to get done.
3. I'll feel an urgent need to groom myself. I'll literally do everything. Shower, wash my hair (shampoo and condition), shave, exfoliate, moisturize, perfect my eyebrows, face wash, brush + whiten + floss, pamper my hair so it looks super shiny and healthy and give it a blowout, do my make-up with a ton of precision and experiment with new color combinations, soften my lips with vaseline + toothbrush or damp washcloth, tan, clean my ears and nails, mani/pedi, iron the shit out of what I want to wear, get rid of any lint or dog hair, put cucumbers over my eyes, etc. I'm not kidding. Literally anything you can think of which involves grooming yourself, I do it. Very thoroughly. My goal is to make myself so fresh and so clean, as much as possible. Being 100% clean, put together, and looking your absolute best while you're high... absolute best feeling ever. Of course, then I'll want to go out and do something - doesn't matter what, with who, or what time of day it is. Who doesn't want to go out and do something when they're looking fucking amazing?
4. I'll become extremely health-conscious and start doing toning exercises such as crunches, lunges, etc. I'll scour my kitchen for the healthiest meal or snack possible. I'll become extremely aware of my posture and make sure it's absolutely perfect, just because great posture is good for you. And I'll hardly want to smoke cigarettes.
5. I'll have a strong desire to do anything creative. And then I never finish it, because once my high wears off it interrupts my flow and I can never seem to get back to it or remember where I was going with it.
6. I'll create random lists and plans in order to "organize" my life on Word docs. Most of the time I'll just focus on one area- scour job sites and write down all of the job details, then apply to them all at once. Plan out my course schedule for the next six semesters. Create a meal and exercise plan for every day of the rest of the month. And they all went on different word docs. Once or twice, I actually analyzed every single area of my life and made a separate word doc for each- career, finances, school, all of my interpersonal relationships (each with their own separate Word doc), health, fitness, my personal character. And then I took all of the things I'd written out that I wanted to do in order to improve my life, and set up an Excel spreadsheet to do-list... for an entire month... day by day and hour by hour. Had I actually used that intricate freaking plan and followed it to a T, my life would probably be as close to perfect as possible right now. But of course I lost interest in that too after a day or so, fell back into my normal routine, and deleted it.
And why do I find this strange?
Numbers 3 and 6. I think that says it all right there - that's just straight up being obsessive compulsive. Something I am not when I'm sober. Yes, I am a bit of a perfectionist and do create lists (small ones though, like things I need to buy)... but it's nothing close to feeling like I need to create long, intricate lists in order to actually put the thingsI need/want to do into action. But no, when I'm high, I need absolutely everything to be down to an exact science when I'm doing this, because otherwise I feel like I won't do any of it unless I have a list to check off. As far as the grooming goes... well, it feels great after, but it's still ridiculous to do every single thing in one day. It should not take two to three hours just to get ready for the day. My normal routine just goes like: shower, moisturize, wash face, teeth, and ears, do the Vaseline thing (but sans toothbrush), and do hair and make up (just not with so much precision)... then I shave and wash my hair every other day, tan three times a week, and only fix my eyebrows and nails when it absolutely needs to be done. The exfoliation/cucumber... maybe once a week at most. But when I'm high? Forget about it, I want to do it all at once. I am also normally not so health conscious. I only exercise when I feel like it (part of that is because I'm so petite already, so I sort of forget to). I definitely eat fast food or a TV dinner at least once a week. And also when I'm sober, I generally don't feel much motivation to do the things that need to get done. I usually procrastinate and wait until the last minute, or do it really half assed, or do just a little bit at a time, enough to make a small dent, and come back to it later.
But the main thing that puzzles me? I have anxiety in my day to day life, even get a bit paranoid every once in a while. And, I mean, completely normal people who have no anxiety/paranoia to speak of will smoke weed and suddenly become a nervous wreck and a basket case. But then I smoke it, a person who does have anxiety, and suddenly all is right in the world; I don't feel anxious or paranoid at all anymore, just positive and optimistic, like there's nothing to even be anxious or worried about. The other thing is the impeccable logic and problem-solving skills weed gives me, because I'm super impulsive by nature. I never sit down and think before I do things - unless I'm high, of course - I just act on what I'm feeling at the moment. And this impulsivity has negatively impacted my life in more ways than one, more times than I can count. But when I'm high, I actually stop and think for once, question whether it's actually a good idea, figure out it's not, come up with a logical solution, then react and carry on with maturity.
Here, a rough example: Guy I like bails on plans we made a week ago.
Normal reaction: Text him irately, saying that if he doesn't want to hang out, then to just say so.
Normal outcome of my normal reaction: He gets pissed off at me and doesn't want to deal with my shit, starts ignoring me, which pisses me off even more, and a viscous cycle ensues.
Now for my "high" reaction: Read the text saying he "can't make it", get pissed off, consider reacting how I normally would, finally decide instead to take the better route, to give him the benefit of the doubt and just call him and find out what's going on.
Outcome of my reaction on weed: Guy says he can't do what we originally planned because of some perfectly acceptable reason, we change the plans a bit, we have a good conversation, and we hang up on good terms.
All in all, I definitely feel like weed makes me a better person. I find that quite ironic. For a lot of people I know, weed just makes them lazy and bored. Hopefully my post made sense, or at the very least made enough sense for someone to be able to give me some insight about it. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I mean why would I complain about weed blessing me with the most positive highs ever? I just find the whole thing quite strange since I don't know anyone else who does this, so I have a few concerns about it.
As for my questions...
1. Has anyone else had similar reactions to weed? I'm not asking if anyone creates lists and tweaks out on their grooming and cleaning habits, but does anyone have anything similar to that?
2. Is it possible I could have some type of dormant OCD that comes out when I get high? I mean, normal people do not start novels and drawings and lists and then never finish them, or clean their room until it's completely spotless, or spend hours grooming themselves. The only people who do that are tweakers and people who have OCD. I'm not a tweaker, so... that only leaves one other option. Is this plausible? Could it be OCD? Or does it seem like it could just be a normal reaction to getting high, sort of the way it's a normal reaction after doing meth or something?
3. I like the way weed affects me right now, but since my highs have changed throughout the years, I definitely don't want to go back to the anxiety and paranoia days. Is THAT possible, now that I've reached a different state of mind seemingly on my own.. without even really knowing how I did it? Anything I can do to maintain or even increase the positive highs?
4. I completely forgot to mention that I'm on a small daily dose of xanax, Suboxone, and Vistaril (a non-benzo anxiolytic). I occasionally take 5-HTP and St. John's Wort. Could any of the above medications/supplements or combination of any of them have something to do with the way I react?
5. Last but not least, just in case none of the above apply, any other theories? Or am I just over thinking things as usual? haha.
Anyway, if anyone has any insight, I'd appreciate it. And I'd love to hear from anyone else who experiences/has experienced a high that's different from the "norm". And by the "norm", I mean that stoney, chill, sorta spaced out feeling. If you know what I mean lol.
Thanks in advance for any answers I might get (though not expecting too many cause of how LONG this is). If you read this far, I salute you. For reals. I know some of my posts are a lot to take in, and this is also my first time posting in this particular forum, so I'm sure a lot of you are like "Who the hell is this crazy chick?" haha so if you've stuck through it this long, thanks for that as well.
