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Self-harming and self-loathing.. Help!

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whateverwhatever

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--> to The Dark Side please...

I feel like the most alone person in the world even though I have so many friends... I don't want to burden them with my irrational mood swings because they've already held my hand through so many of these and I feel I'm so undeserving...

It's a Monday afternoon and I'm recovering from the weekend when an event triggered some deep shit in me (as it seems to do more and more these days), I've already drunk a bottle of wine because the anxiety I feel when I'm sober is ten times worse than the (seemingly) irrational drunken mood swings...

I just feel so alone.. which is ironic because I have so many people that love me, but when I feel like this I just feel like I'm a burden to all of them and that I don't deserve any of it... You wouldn't think it to look at me, I'm attractive, intelligent, and (or so I've been told) a really good friend and a good person... But I'm just so burdened with self-hatred sometimes and I don't know what to do... And then I feel stupid for feeling this way, like I'm just a drama queen. Or like I'm just weaker than everyone else because I can't handle the normal ups and downs of life... And it's a never ending cycle = feel bad = feel bad for feeling bad when I don't have a real reason for feeling bad, no war or amputated limbs, just another fucking middle class drama queen... and it goes on...

I'm 26 and I've started self-harming again like when I was fucking 13. I feel like such a loser, like I don't deserve life at all especially when my life is so good compared to so many other people....

I just cut myself on the leg massively and I know I'm going to regret it tomorrow.
 
You sound like me. So many issues for seemingly no reason. You should talk to your friends though, because if they really do care for you they would want to know.
 
It's horrible how thoughts can be so selfdefeating isnt it? Feeling guilty about feeling shit aint gonna help. Don't think you don't deserve to feel bad. Your friends sound like they care. Talk to them and tell them how you feel. You'l pull through. I know it.
 
I self-harmed alot when I was younger and now regret it massively. Things get better - or at the very least, we change. I had skin-grafts and scar excisions, all sorts of surgery, to have the scars/burns/puncture marks removed - but it'll never go away! Now I look like a trauma victim no matter how I feel.

Self-harm can also become like an addiction. So I think that you need to find better ways of dealing with your shit - therapy/meds and so forth. You will almost certainly regret the decision to self harm at a later stage. It's not something you'll want to have to explain to people years from now.
 
whateverwhatever said:
--> to The Dark Side please...

I feel like the most alone person in the world even though I have so many friends... I don't want to burden them with my irrational mood swings because they've already held my hand through so many of these and I feel I'm so undeserving...

It's a Monday afternoon and I'm recovering from the weekend when an event triggered some deep shit in me (as it seems to do more and more these days), I've already drunk a bottle of wine because the anxiety I feel when I'm sober is ten times worse than the (seemingly) irrational drunken mood swings...

I just feel so alone.. which is ironic because I have so many people that love me, but when I feel like this I just feel like I'm a burden to all of them and that I don't deserve any of it... You wouldn't think it to look at me, I'm attractive, intelligent, and (or so I've been told) a really good friend and a good person... But I'm just so burdened with self-hatred sometimes and I don't know what to do... And then I feel stupid for feeling this way, like I'm just a drama queen. Or like I'm just weaker than everyone else because I can't handle the normal ups and downs of life... And it's a never ending cycle = feel bad = feel bad for feeling bad when I don't have a real reason for feeling bad, no war or amputated limbs, just another fucking middle class drama queen... and it goes on...

I'm 26 and I've started self-harming again like when I was fucking 13. I feel like such a loser, like I don't deserve life at all especially when my life is so good compared to so many other people....

I just cut myself on the leg massively and I know I'm going to regret it tomorrow.
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Wow hun, it is uncanny the similarities between you and I 8o
Seriously, your post reads exactly like something I could've written about my own situation about 1-2 years ago.

The most important thing that I would like you to know is that things will not be this way forever. Things change, all the time. Sometimes for the best, sometimes not so much. But please don't feel like you're always going to be stuck in this cycle of self-destruction because you CAN get out of it.

Have you ever had any counselling or anything like that? Friends and family are always vital for giving you love and support, but sometimes we need more intensive and structured assistance to learn more effective coping methods than the ones we've been using so far. I fear that if you keep going on self-medicating with alcohol and self-harm, these coping mechanisms are going to become less and less effective and you'll feel yourself spiralling down even further. However if you seek some professional help now, sure it will be difficult to work through your issues in the short-term, but the long-term/life-long benefits FAR outweigh the initial challenges you'll face with counselling.

I'm not sure if you're already a member here on Bluelight, but if you are, please don't hesitate to PM if you want to talk one-on-one. Like I said earlier, I can relate to your situation SO MUCH. The drinking, the self-harm, the self-loathing, having a lot of loved ones around but feeling so alone, I really can relate to all of that hun. So if you want to PM me to chat, please go for it :)
If you're not already a member however, I urge you to sign up. We are a really welcoming community here in The Dark Side and I guarantee you'll feel at home :)

Either way, I hope you can get some help for your situation soon because I know from my own experience that it is not fun. You are an amazing and very worthy individual, you deserve to be happy and to love yourself, and to be comfortable with who you are as a person. Please take care of yourself <3
 
Well, the dust in my head has settled down a little bit, thought I'd out myself.. The OP was by me, haven't been around on bluelight for a while... Thanks for the supportive posts guys...

To the first two posters - I do talk to my friends, and they do care, but I just don't want to be that exhausting depressive person that everyone has to coddle, at the end of the day, very little they say or do can make me feel different, although they do try.

Thing is, I've done therapy and all that in the past, and I've worked a lot on myself psychologically and emotionally, and on my up days, which occur about 60% of the time, I feel strong, confident and optimistic. And then something happens to trigger deep subconscious wounds I still have in me and I'm a mess again. And lately it seems that the lows have gotten much lower. I mean, self-harming? I quit that when I was in my teens, but now I'm doing it again!

I was hoping it was a hormonal thing that could be fixed with supplements, but I did a blood test and all my levels are fine. I *really* don't want to take any antidepressants.

suessmayr said:
I self-harmed alot when I was younger and now regret it massively. Things get better - or at the very least, we change. I had skin-grafts and scar excisions, all sorts of surgery, to have the scars/burns/puncture marks removed - but it'll never go away! Now I look like a trauma victim no matter how I feel.

Self-harm can also become like an addiction. So I think that you need to find better ways of dealing with your shit - therapy/meds and so forth. You will almost certainly regret the decision to self harm at a later stage. It's not something you'll want to have to explain to people years from now.
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Trust me - I know! I already have scars on my arm from when I was a teenager and it has taken me years to be able to not feel self-conscious about them - I still have it in the back of my head when I meet new people and have bare arms, but I just think to myself 'fuck it'. But fresh scars?? That's a whole other level.

n3ophy7e said:
Have you ever had any counselling or anything like that? Friends and family are always vital for giving you love and support, but sometimes we need more intensive and structured assistance to learn more effective coping methods than the ones we've been using so far. I fear that if you keep going on self-medicating with alcohol and self-harm, these coping mechanisms are going to become less and less effective and you'll feel yourself spiralling down even further. However if you seek some professional help now, sure it will be difficult to work through your issues in the short-term, but the long-term/life-long benefits FAR outweigh the initial challenges you'll face with counselling.
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I think you're right, it's time to go back to counselling. I've been lazy to do it because once my depressive periods blow over and I feel sane again I feel like it's all fine and that I'll be ok. I guess I don't want to admit to myself that I'm still fucked up in the head after all the time and money I've spent on trying to 'fix' myself.

I can trace all of it back to my childhood too. A lot of the triggers lately have been related to men. I've been single for three years now and I'm getting sick of it, everyone else is coupled up (I literally don't have any girlfriends not in relationships, I'm always the third wheel) and it's getting frustrating. But for some reason the guys I get involved with are either emotionally unavailable and/or treat me like a piece of meat (including one recently who I used to think of as a very good friend - kind of triggered this). Now I know I'm attractive physically, so that makes me wonder - is my personality that repulsive? When I think of it logically I know it's far from true, but the emotions inside me beg to differ.

A little background context: I grew up with an alcoholic father, in a home with constant conflict between my parents - him running around drunk with a gun, us having to lock ourselves in a room in case he hurt us, that kind of thing -and I felt a lot of fear, constantly. My parents finally separated when I was 9 and he died when I was 13. A stronger child might have handled it better but I was a painfully shy and sensitive kid, and I never really had anyone to talk to about it. I knew there was something wrong with the situation, but of course when you're a kid, your parents are your main reference point - I hated my dad, but at the same time I managed to internalise it so that it was all my fault. Pretty much most of my childhood and teenage years were spent feeling fear mingled with a deep sense of shame. I'm now having these feelings triggered by my interactions with men. But it's not just men - I tried being celibate for a while, that didn't work either.

I feel like I'm rambling now, but the point is, I'll go from feeling confident, strong and mature, and then something triggers me, and suddenly this terrified, self-shaming little kid takes over me and the pain is just too much to bear :( And so I resort to things like self-harming while the 26-year old in me looks in disgust as I act out of control. I'm sick of it - I've done the goddamned work, why can't it just be gone already?

I wish there was medical surgery for psychological/emotional issues...
 
glitterbizkit said:
I've been lazy to do it because once my depressive periods blow over and I feel sane again I feel like it's all fine and that I'll be ok. I guess I don't want to admit to myself that I'm still fucked up in the head after all the time and money I've spent on trying to 'fix' myself.
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Hun I feel exactly the same way about my issues. To be honest I don't think we ever really 100% "fix" ourselves. That might sound pessimistic but I guess it's just realistic. I believe rather than "fixing", it's more about "managing" our problems and symptoms. I think we're always going to have slip-ups and go through rough patches etc. But it's just about building up an artilliary of methods to cope, so that we get a bit better at dealing with our problems each time something comes up.

How are you feeling today? Any further thoughts on getting more counselling? Even if you're feeling better and more "normal" by now, you should still consider getting therapy again, so that the next time you have a depressive episode you're in a better place to cope <3
 
Thanks for the reply hun.

I've had a couple of intense weeks of introspection and self-therapy (recently unemployed - exactly what I needed right now to be honest), and I've come a lot closer to understanding myself and being able to live with myself. Today for example, I'm feeling mega-anxious due to a particularly bad hangover, but I'm breathing through it whereas a few weeks ago I would have been berating myself and thinking of a million reasons why I don't deserve to live. I guess the one big step to overcoming depression is to stop being depressed because you're depressed! And I'm a lot closer to that now. Phew.

The thing that I've realised is: getting over depression is simple. And 'simple' is not to be confused with 'easy'. It's about remembering that you have the choice to choose your thoughts, to choose an empowering thought rather than a self-defeating thought. But it's fucking HARD! It's one of the hardest things to do, that's why we approach it in more complex ways - psychotherapy, etc. But in the end it all boils down to that. Some depression is due to neurochemicals, but I think it's a chicken-egg situation as well. I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out. But I've realised that happiness is a skill, and to be easy with myself, because it's a hard skill to learn - not berating myself for not having the happiness-skill down to pat is the first step, I think.

And yes, I did go to my GP to ask for a referral to therapy. It's free, but short term, and there's a long waiting list. But I'm happy I did that for myself.
 
Been there done that. Its impossibly hard to stop and even though it may feel great while you're doing it, it just makes you hate yourself so so much more in the long run, and like you said its a cycle. The best advice I can give is find 1 good friend to talk to. If they're really a good friend, they will listen and you will not be a burden, that what friends are for bro. Also, do something like excersize or hitting a punching bag.. or go out into a field and scream scream sccream the frustration and hate away. These 3 things can relieve a hell of a lot of cravings and that nasty sick anxious energy.

Good luck. You may not feel love. But here at BL we understand and we love you man. Keep it real.
 
By the way n3o, just wanted to say that I remember reading a lot of your posts back in the day when I was a bluelight regular and I always felt we had a lot of things in common. I think you're cool - so by default that makes me cool, too, right? One less reason to be self-loathing ;)
 
^^ It is very interesting that you mention that pastelcircus, thanks for the link. I have Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder so I know allll about that! :)

glitterbizkit said:
Thanks for the reply hun.

I've had a couple of intense weeks of introspection and self-therapy (recently unemployed - exactly what I needed right now to be honest), and I've come a lot closer to understanding myself and being able to live with myself. Today for example, I'm feeling mega-anxious due to a particularly bad hangover, but I'm breathing through it whereas a few weeks ago I would have been berating myself and thinking of a million reasons why I don't deserve to live. I guess the one big step to overcoming depression is to stop being depressed because you're depressed! And I'm a lot closer to that now. Phew.

The thing that I've realised is: getting over depression is simple. And 'simple' is not to be confused with 'easy'. It's about remembering that you have the choice to choose your thoughts, to choose an empowering thought rather than a self-defeating thought. But it's fucking HARD! It's one of the hardest things to do, that's why we approach it in more complex ways - psychotherapy, etc. But in the end it all boils down to that. Some depression is due to neurochemicals, but I think it's a chicken-egg situation as well. I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out. But I've realised that happiness is a skill, and to be easy with myself, because it's a hard skill to learn - not berating myself for not having the happiness-skill down to pat is the first step, I think.

And yes, I did go to my GP to ask for a referral to therapy. It's free, but short term, and there's a long waiting list. But I'm happy I did that for myself.
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This is really inspiring to read hun, and it sounds like you're already in a MUCH better headspace than you were when you originally posted this thread. Good on you for talking to your doctor to get the referral, it's so helpful to be productive and to follow through on our thoughts and things we said we would do. I had a few small victories like that myself this week, feels good man :)

glitterbizkit said:
By the way n3o, just wanted to say that I remember reading a lot of your posts back in the day when I was a bluelight regular and I always felt we had a lot of things in common. I think you're cool - so by default that makes me cool, too, right? One less reason to be self-loathing ;)
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Hun that is amazing to hear, and a huge compliment, thank you so much!! <3 You are cool in your own right, but also because we are so similar ;)
 
Your post has inspired me to post, OP. I can recognise a few of my own feelings in your original post. I've recently come out of a serious relationship and remembered how much I hate being single. I have many good friends, but I can't connect with them in the way I can connect to and trust a partner. I feel particularly bad today and have plucked up the courage to post but not to start a whole thread just about me, so sorry if it seems like I'm hijacking your thread - This isn't my intention, I'm not even looking for responses I guess, just.. venting.

Up until recently I had quite a high opinion of myself after having been very happy for the last year or so. I used to have no trouble getting girls, but every time I look in the mirror now I find myself less and less attractive. This lack of confidence is reflected in my personality - I'm becoming quiet and introverted, not like me at all. I went through this all before and survived it a few years ago, so I guess I can do the same this time. I just don't know if it's worth it. It seems like no matter how happy I get, I'll always fall back down into this hole where I feel I've got no one to talk to. I've tried talking to my friends before. I don't bother any more as they always just seem really uncomfortable when I talk about these things. I don't want to drive them away, although with my personality as it is right now, I'm probably doing just that anyway.

I haven't harmed myself today, but the thought has certainly crossed my mind. I went on a date last week and for a few days I felt better (been feeling like this for the last couple of weeks), but she texted afterwards asking if we can just be friends. That's what's made it worse over the last couple of days. Usually I can brush it off and put on a confident facade, but not at the moment. I don't see the point. There's a big party tonight, I'm going because I know if I don't I'll just sit at home, caught in this spiral of morbid thoughts. I used to be the life of the party, but I went to one last night and hardly interacted with anyone I didn't know really well. A girl was trying to talk to me and I pretty much just brushed her off as I was thinking there was no way she could be attracted to me like this. In retrospect, I should have stuck around but if it happens tonight though I know I'll just do the same. I don't have the confidence right now to meet new people, I don't even really know why. I just feel worthless and want to hide away, but I know the only way to pick myself up is to go out there and meet new people. What a conundrum, eh?

I feel a bit better just from typing this out. I hope it makes sense, everything seems a bit jumbled right now. Like I said, I'm not really looking for responses, just a corner in which to collect and formulate my thoughts. I apologise again if this seems like a thread hijacking, that wasn't my intention. I hope you don't mind, glitter.
 
glitterbizkit said:
Thing is, I've done therapy and all that in the past, and I've worked a lot on myself psychologically and emotionally, and on my up days, which occur about 60% of the time, I feel strong, confident and optimistic. And then something happens to trigger deep subconscious wounds I still have in me and I'm a mess again. And lately it seems that the lows have gotten much lower. I mean, self-harming? I quit that when I was in my teens, but now I'm doing it again!
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This is pretty well my life right now. It sounds like you have the tools to get you out of funks, but paraphrasing what you mentioned later: just because a solution is simple certainly doesn't make it in any way easy. In the same way that depressive episodes can be triggered by something tiny, it sometimes takes a reminder of how to start to get back up after falling down.

So, what I'm trying to say is: thank you for that reminder. :)

I hope that you're feeling a bit better today; you likely don't remember me much, as your mostly active time here was when I was still in my anti-postwhore phase, but I remember you as a very confident, intelligent and funny person, whose posts were always a pleasure to read. Try to remember that even if you don't know it, there are always people out there who are silently wishing you well when you're down and delighting in your happiness when you're up.
 
pastelcircus said:
if you are experiencing noted cycles, then hormones are probably playing a big role
check out this book about hormones and their effects on the female brain,
it's pretty interesting
http://drlouann.ning.com/
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I thought it may be hormone related but I did a test and everything was normal. I was a little disappointed, it would have been nice to have a straightforward cause for all of this. However I have read that blood tests can be inaccurate when measuring hormone levels and that saliva tests are more accurate...

Na'vi - don't worry, you're not hijacking! *Hugs* I know what you mean... Lately I've been hiding away a little too because social situations can be a little much. I've always been a massive party animal and good entertainment for anyone around me but lately I've become a depressive drunk... Mostly due to the fact that I start feeling pretty lonely and lovesick (and horny, lol) when I drink, and it sucks to ruin a perfectly good party by being the one crying in the corner... Luckily my friends are non-judgemental and supportive, but enough already! I'm trying to get into a good headspace before I go back into social life full blast. I mean I still hang out with friends and go out occasionally, but nowhere near as much as I used to. Right now all my friends are at a house party and I'm at home feeling really restless.... I wish I had gone but the party is at the house of a so-called "friend" that I have been hooking up with on and off for the past year, he kept being a dick to me after every time we had sex but I'd forgive him because I cared about him as a friend. Also it's not really in my nature to get angry at people as I like to see the best in everyone. If I get hurt by someone I often end up blaming myself for putting myself in that situation. But it went too far a few weeks ago, and now I don't think I can ever forgive him...


Anyway, screw that issue. It really is about finding confidence in yourself, and trying to feel good, even if you have to pick the smallest thing you can find to feel good about. Ok, now I know New-Agey stuff isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I find that this video really helped me. It's by Esther and Jerry Hicks, they are really big in the Law of Attraction community, but even if you don't believe in that stuff, the message still rings true, so it's worth listening to... It's all about finding ways to feel good now, because if you feel good today, you can feel better tomorrow. A thing that has really helped me is to realise that it's ok to be selfish and put my emotional well-being before anything else. All my life I've put so much pressure on myself to be a certain way, but these past few days I've just been focusing on ways to make myself feel better. Self-love at it's finest (as long as you're not hurting anyone).


Dave- I do remember seeing your username around here before. Thanks for the compliment, it warms my heart :) From a logical viewpoint, I do know that I have many strengths, but it's difficult to feel that way on an emotional level. But I have gotten a lot better at acknowledging my strengths the past couple of weeks. Meditation, self-care, and trying to focus on the positive. I long for the day when I can love myself completely for who I am, including my 'bad' traits. I hope you find the same :)
 
Thank you :)

Like everyone, I'm a work in progress. I've had tastes of success though, which remind me that it is possible to love myself, and that I deserve it. I may never arrive, but every step closer that I take is a step well taken.
 
Bleh, relapse into depression after days of optimism. Tore up my painting that I was the most proud of in a fit of pure self-destructiveness. It's fixable, but I fucked up a few other of my paintings beyond repair. And it's back to square one, climbing out of the pit again. It always happens after I've been out socially interacting too. Am I going to have to live like a hermit in order to be happy?
 
I'm far too sick to read all of these posts, but I'll tell you what. You seem quite literate, and intelligent, plus you're aware that your life isn't all that bad... You should be capable of doing anything you want to in life. Maybe a change in lifestyle is in order, such as a new job/career, new location, or a hobby... Even if you're addicted to Warcraft and happy, do what you have to do :). I myself get really down sometimes, for seemingly no reason at all. I falsely tell myself that I AM happy, and that I can do anything I want in the world, even if it's a tough reminder that I'm being stagnant and wasting my time, I eventually get through to myself and get motivated to be pro-actively happy.
 
Thanks for your awesome post glitter, it's comforting to know that there's someone out there that I can relate to and take good advice from, especially when that person doesn't even know me! I'll check out that video shortly, for sure. You definitely have your heart in the right place, and that's very comforting to me (and hopefully to you).

I'm sorry to hear that you fell down into that hole again :( It's a shame about the paintings, but at least you didn't harm yourself (not physically, anyway). I would love to see some of your paintings if you have any photo's - I'm always fascinated by other's artistic skill, as I have very little, haha! I'm sorry that I'm not as good with the words as you are, I wish there was more I could do to help you. You seem like a fantastic person and your post made me smile, I wish to return the favour. If there's anything I can do or that you wish to talk about drop me a PM, it'd be good to hear from you. :)
 
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