Suicidal ideation

[tommy34]

Hey everyone. I haven't posted in TDS for a while because I've been busy and didn't have the internet for a while. Today I thought I needed to make a topic because I'm feeling confused and down. The strong people over here at TDS usually do a good job and reassuring me so thanks for all that in the past and in the future.

Lately I've been thinking of death allot and I mean I always have but, the other morning I woke up and it was the first thing on my mind, this morning when I woke up I thought of it again and the thought has barely left my head. It seems like I'm always doing something wrong. A couple of years ago I was extremely down because I was so lonely, I got a girlfriend. Then I was down because of my job. Then I was down because my ex and I broke up and I was lonely again. Then I got a new girlfriend (Who I am with still). Then I was down because I was going nowhere in my life, so I started uni. Now I'm at uni studying Psychology and I have no money and I find that extremely stressful. I love Psychology, I could read about it and watch videos all day. But it seems the more I learn, the more questions I have and the more I feel like we are just animals. I find this hard to explain but I'll try my best. We are more like a cat than we are different to a cat. We are just animals and it makes me feel even more numb. I don't know where this is going but that's just what I've been thinking after every lecture.

So for the past, say, 5 years there has always been something wrong and I've tried so hard to fix it because I always thought that once I fixed that I would eventually be happy. I've been proven wrong over and over again. I just want peace and I think the only way I'm ever going to find it is the day I die. Ive seen doctors, tried supplement, exercise. Doctors only seem to care if your going to top yourself right then an there, they don't really care that I feel this way. I'm starting to think I am actually bi-polar but mania is very rare. Last week I was driving to uni and I felt like I have has a spoon full of speed for about a hour and then I spent the trip home thinking of killing myself again. I don't know what I can do to feel normal. I can't tell anyone how I feel. My girlfriend knows I have some depression but I don't think she is aware of the extent of my thoughts. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to put that on them. I feel like I'm so alone in my own little world and I can't let anyone in because I'm so ashamed of who I am that I will do anything to hide that from everyone.

Thanks for reading
Tom

 

[Snarky91]

I have great respect for some of the methods of psychology, but we ought to realize that humans are extremely complex. No science is going to get down the nature of humans to a fundamental core of knowledge, ever. Psychology has only become a field of study in the last 100 years or so with the rise of physics. Before that, philosophy was the dominant force (outside of religion) that tried to understand the human condition.

It sounds like you're depressed in the near term because of a lack of social mobility coupled with pessimism about the future. On top of that, you're reading (perhaps too much) into theories about why things are the way that they are. While there is truth in psychology, it does not hold true over a prolonged period. Values drive our actions in the long term. It's always healthy to reflect on what we value most, because then we are better enabled to see the ends in themselves and develop a more realistic outlook on what we want from life.

 

[Fyasko.]

hi Tommy!

It sounds like you're depressed in the near term because of a lack of social mobility coupled with pessimism about the future. On top of that, you're reading (perhaps too much) into theories about why things are the way that they are. While there is truth in psychology, it does not hold true over a prolonged period. Values drive our actions in the long term. It's always healthy to reflect on what we value most, because then we are better enabled to see the ends in themselves and develop a more realistic outlook on what we want from life.

imo this is an amazing response. (especially the underlined).
hes got a really good point, reading about that stuff deffinitley isnt helping
but you shouldnt be ashamed of what you're feeling. and you shouldn't be scared to tell your girlfriend.
im sure she'll understand. thinking about death is part of life.
but just know that it will get better. we all go through our high's and low's in life.

if you dont wanna tell your girlfriend, how about looking for a psychiatrist?
IME it does wonders if you find the right one. i had to go through 6-7 different psych's to find the one that i liked.
it takes time and effort but you'd be amazed how beneficial it is when you've got a good therapist.
alright well hope this helps, im really tired so i couldnt write much.
if you need someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a PM and i would be more than happy to help you out

 

[n3ophy7e]

I'm starting to think I am actually bi-polar but mania is very rare. Last week I was driving to uni and I felt like I have has a spoon full of speed for about a hour and then I spent the trip home thinking of killing myself again. I don't know what I can do to feel normal. I can't tell anyone how I feel. My girlfriend knows I have some depression but I don't think she is aware of the extent of my thoughts.

Tom I can really relate to this. I often feel the same way. Often I just have to force myself to not allow my brain to think about suicide. Don't even consider it as an option. That might sound simplistic but if you don't even allow it to be an option in your pattern of thoughts, your mind finds alternative thoughts to consider when you're feeling depressed and hopeless, and believe me there are ALWAYS other ways of solving your problems!! There is nothing in this world that you are truly helpless to overcome, therefore suicide is not an option.

I'm having a really bad day/night so I don't really have the capacity or energy to reply in full but I would really like to strongly recommend that you seek some counselling. Find a good psychologist that you click with (this can take several go's) and spend a few solid months getting some good therapy sessions. I honestly think you will benefit greatly from this.

Also, don't be afraid of telling your girlfriend how you feel. It HELPS to talk about our feelings

 

[suessmayr]

It seems like every day I'm being amazed by how nearly I seem to relate to alot of the people on TDS. But I don't think I've ever related more strongly to any post that I did to yours just now.

I'm also bipolar 1 but seem to mainly get depression. I used to get alot more mania but for the past 3 years or so it's predominantly depression - I may get intensely fucking 'high' for 30-60mins at a time, but this is rare, like you described.

I have to disagree with the others about talking to your girlfriend - you need to decide for yourself whether it would be helpful. Alot of the girls I went with were specifically chill, content or happy (maybe I sought out people like this to make things feel easier) and whenever they came into contact with my fucked up world of drugs and depression they were just confused. They didn't understand. One of them was brought to the hospital by my mum when I OD'd with morphine - even after that she had only a superficial understanding of what was going on for me.

I also find it helpful to distinguish, like you have, between vague and nebulous thoughts of death and ideation proper, where the thoughts are persistent and invasive. I also find that when it gets bad I think about death as soon as I wake up, and when I'm lying in bed at night. It seems like the whole point with people like you and me is that we're fundamentally sceptical. So the idea that we should simply ignore or reject these feelings seems unacceptable - 'why should I reject them? don't these thoughts have substance to at least the same extent as all the rest?'.

I remember being intensely upset in school after reading a particular book about human physiology. I remember crying one day because I was so distressed by the idea that there was nothing remarkable about our constitution. I don't really know how else to comfort you than to say that you're not alone. If I knew what to say I wouldn't be in the same boat as you.

But I agree that you may benefit from AD's.

 

[tommy34]

Thanks for the replies. Sues put it nicely, it's disheartening realizing there is actually nothing special about humans, the way we feel is just chemicals doing their job. I find it extremely difficult to get my head around life and its purpose. I've spend most of my adult life disliking it. I don't know what reason there is to keep it up.

 

[muvolution]

I can definitely relate to what you are feeling. I just have to go balls-out all the time and be working my ass off every minute of the day, doing crazy shit, or be zonked on drugs. (Been tryin to keep it towards the first two) but when I stop and think about the world, yeah I want to kill myself. I want it to end in some way. But the only thing I can do is just push that out of my mind and go, go, go. I dunno what to tell you man. It's always been like that. If I stop or stagnate, I feel like dying.

 

[Snarky91]

Thanks for the replies. Sues put it nicely, it's disheartening realizing there is actually nothing special about humans, the way we feel is just chemicals doing their job. I find it extremely difficult to get my head around life and its purpose. I've spend most of my adult life disliking it. I don't know what reason there is to keep it up.

Humans are not special eh. That's why every in every wilderness you see herds of other animals muddling around and openly questioning why THEY are not special...

 

[suessmayr]

^ yes, this is obviously true. Humans are self-aware in a way that seemingly no other animal is. But I would suggest that this is more a question of degree than of kind; as the OP said, we have more in common with animals than we don't.

It seems to be almost a symptom of living in this world today, as an intelligent person, that we should be ridden with angst and doubt and loathing. As science refutes more and more of religion and mysticism the world seems to become progressively more plain.

I find it can be helpful to think: 'well, if I am merely an animal, then I ought to behave like one - what other animal idles around doubting itself and hating its environment?' There is seemingly something unnatural about depression if we admit that we're fundamentally a natural part of this universe. But this can seem clinical and unconvincing I'll grant.

Marcus Aurelius wrote that "the instant a man begins to doubt himself and to give way to depression, he becomes, as it were, a tumor, or a separate growth on the universe". This expresses the idea I'm getting at. But it's all just words really isn't it.

 

[FnX]

In a way I can relate as well and I hope you are not offended by me posting here, I am too ashamed to start a new thread anyways.

Every day I think about suicide, especially during the evening/night when I can't get sleep. Sometimes but rarely when I wake up too. I do not consider myself depressed by any means right now, I seem to laugh at things on a daily basis and well... I just don't feel depressed okay? I've been through that many times. Life feels absolutely pointless, nothing but a chore but it's a chore for nothing. I don't even know if I'm enjoying things, if I was I'd think the joy would make me want to live, but there are no such feelings. I just... do things in my life, not knowing exactly why. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to continue like this, in fact I feel like suicide is the ONLY truly rational solution in a situation like this. I mean there's no point reading a book just for the sake of reading either, better just put it away if there's zero meaningful content no?

People try to convince me that life is good and that there are many interesting things yet to be explored. I can agree on the interesting things part, but still I'd rather be dead, no way is it worth to endure life just for the sake of a few interesting things, I do not consider them a reason to live for because frankly, I can get myself interested about just about anything if I want to, or should I say I can find interesting perspectives in even the most mundane things. Nothing special in that, human mind is naturally curious about things.

I don't really have anybody to talk to so I just decided to log in here and empty the contents of my head, not sure exactly why, I don't think this text is of any use to anybody and in fact it might just depress somebody even more, so I feel like I'm inflicting my own pain and suffering into others and I really don't want to do that either. I've heard many arguments about suicide being selfish and what not, but really, I think if somebody were to mourn my death they would be the selfish ones on top of being plain stupid. I would be better of dead, I'm convinced of that and I really don't think there's any sense for others to mourn that I went to a better place (no I do not really believe in a heaven either, I just think that a lifeless state would be far better for me in every way). I just wish it all was easier, I wish I had access to a shotgun for example so I could blast my brains out in a split second. I really like to fantasize how and where I do it, preferably in a public place in broad daylight but in a way that harms no other being. I would especially want to do it in front of people who know me, maybe that tells something about some underlying subconscious issues but I try not to think about it much.

Why doesn't the society around me actually help me kill myself? I know the government etc has invested a lot of money in me already, but I feel like I'm just going to end up draining more of their money if they let me live. Maybe it's wrong to commit a suicide because then the people who cling on to life will have to question why they themselves keep treading on? Maybe it's just cold truth that we're all better off dead and the vast majority of people doesn't want to admit it so the minority isn't allowed to even consider it?

Sure I could just do more drugs to feel euphoria, but that's not a reason to live for either. It's just brain chemistry, empty and "fake" feelings of happiness and content. It's just that existance is so fundamentally pointless it leaves me puzzled why on earth wouldn't I choose to not exist?

I don't think I can fix this issue at all, except by killing myself, but I keep trying various things like an idiot. Things like going to school, socializing with people a bit, trying to have fun and so on. They sure as hell don't make life worth living for me. I've been thinking, that because of various neurological issues that I won't write much about in this post, it might be that I'm unable to do things that I would truly enjoy. So the last card I'm going to play is the stimulant card. I've got an appointment to a private doctor who will hopefully prescribe me some so I can have a last try to create a meaningful life that I can actually enjoy and to do things like read interesting books and watch movies. Currently my freetime sort of consists just sitting at the computer and staring at my monitor, not really doing much, I feel like a prisoner of the screen. Well, this is going to be the last time I bash my head against the wall that I have promised myself. I'm either going to finally punch a hole through and if not, I'll just jump off a bridge or something.

 

[glitterbizkit]

I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to put that on them. I feel like I'm so alone in my own little world and I can't let anyone in because I'm so ashamed of who I am that I will do anything to hide that from everyone.

I don't really have anybody to talk to so I just decided to log in here and empty the contents of my head, not sure exactly why, I don't think this text is of any use to anybody and in fact it might just depress somebody even more, so I feel like I'm inflicting my own pain and suffering into others and I really don't want to do that either.

Hey guys

I don't really have many useful things to say as I'm still in the process of dealing with my own depression and I'm still feeling a little lost... But I just wanted to say, one thing that has helped me loads is to stop feeling depressed because I'm depressed, and to stop hating myself for being depressed. I know what it feels like to be ashamed of who you are, and I know what it's like to want to keep your depression to yourself to avoid bothering other people. I'm getting used to the thought that it's ok for me to feel like this sometimes, it doesn't make me a lesser person. From there on it gets a little easier to deal with it. Wishing you guys all the best