ichosewisely
Greenlighter
Once again, I fucked up and I only have myself to blame, that's all for now.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
- Thread starter ocean
- Start date
- Status
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
well a part of why im here atm apart from my drug issues is the fact i got heavily involved with activisim after a fantastic trip and revelation that things in the world were very wrong and i was going to play a huge role in changeing the world once i had found my calling... Problem is ive tried and tried and have not had a lot of success as my social skills are lacking and the online stuff ive seen has done my head in, syria, spain, the uk, africa, the US falling to shit, the monetary system, social enslavement, annon, Opsafekids, just to skim off the top of my head..
More on topic i dont know if ive posted this here b4 i couldnt seem to find it so heres my rant for my fellow bluelighters especialy the ones in OZ.
Our Australian Constitution. More should read it. We don't have a Bill of Rights or Human Rights Law enshrined in our law. We are covered by UN Conventions, but we know how much consideration our Government gives our obligations to UN Conventions. They were ignored when we invaded Iraq, but were tauted when we invaded Afghanistan. They are ignored regarding Aboriginal people and Refugee/Asylum Seekers.
We cherry pick when it comes to the UN and don't really take them seriously. It is a Government Source and so cannot be disputed. It is a shame Australians don't understand what is in our Constitution, I think you would find most Americans know theirs, which is a wonderful document, shame it is being treated with contempt by consecutive Presidents
end rant.
More on topic i dont know if ive posted this here b4 i couldnt seem to find it so heres my rant for my fellow bluelighters especialy the ones in OZ.
Our Australian Constitution. More should read it. We don't have a Bill of Rights or Human Rights Law enshrined in our law. We are covered by UN Conventions, but we know how much consideration our Government gives our obligations to UN Conventions. They were ignored when we invaded Iraq, but were tauted when we invaded Afghanistan. They are ignored regarding Aboriginal people and Refugee/Asylum Seekers.
We cherry pick when it comes to the UN and don't really take them seriously. It is a Government Source and so cannot be disputed. It is a shame Australians don't understand what is in our Constitution, I think you would find most Americans know theirs, which is a wonderful document, shame it is being treated with contempt by consecutive Presidents
end rant.
LoveHateLove
Bluelighter
I've just returned from a 2 month backpacking adventure (9 countries in europe). The first month I stayed fairly strong and managed to abstain from heavy booze/drug use. But I slipped up of course, and started drinking hard to quell some of my nervous tendencies. This led to speed which led to a relapse on valium (and copious amounts of everything really). So there's a two month trip that I really don't fuckin' remember but it cost me 10k (and some possible legal issues in Germany).
I get home and the first news I receive is that my Mom does indeed have cancer, and due to other health complications, it's likely inoperable. I want nothing more than to take that sickness for her. She has been the one thing that has kept me alive in the past few years. If it wasn't for her love I would have ended this shitshow a while ago. Fuck you cancer. Fuck.
I get home and the first news I receive is that my Mom does indeed have cancer, and due to other health complications, it's likely inoperable. I want nothing more than to take that sickness for her. She has been the one thing that has kept me alive in the past few years. If it wasn't for her love I would have ended this shitshow a while ago. Fuck you cancer. Fuck.
Fyasko.
Bluelighter
did those 2 people know you before you lost the 40lbs?
because hun, if you saw someone and they had lost 40lbs, (and that takes a lot of effort) wouldnt you wonder what they had been doing?
im not saying that they should've asked you like they did.
if you're a healthy weight, and you're happy with your body, then you shouldnt be affected by those comments.
^ Wise words there!
I think the majority of women in the world and men dont feel good about their body- image.
Ocean, it isnt necessary for you to be dissapointed in yourself for what happened. If you are worried that you werent aware of your weightloss, then maybe it means you just got to pay more attention to yourself however if you are healthy and feel you are doing better in Therapy etc then that is something to be positive about hun.
Peoples concern for us is just concern, we dont have to take it on board especially if it means we end up feeling bad about ourselves and beat ourselves up with it. I guess just be aware of yourself, if something is 'wrong' then you will be feeling it within yourself first I rekon.
Be proud of yourself for how far you have come in your life.
Man, am so sorry you got this news on your return.
I hope she the both of you will get through this together.
I think the majority of women in the world and men dont feel good about their body- image.
Ocean, it isnt necessary for you to be dissapointed in yourself for what happened. If you are worried that you werent aware of your weightloss, then maybe it means you just got to pay more attention to yourself however if you are healthy and feel you are doing better in Therapy etc then that is something to be positive about hun.
Peoples concern for us is just concern, we dont have to take it on board especially if it means we end up feeling bad about ourselves and beat ourselves up with it. I guess just be aware of yourself, if something is 'wrong' then you will be feeling it within yourself first I rekon.
Be proud of yourself for how far you have come in your life.
Man, am so sorry you got this news on your return.
I hope she the both of you will get through this together. 
ColtDan
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2009
- Messages
- 24,876
Fyasko.
Bluelighter
ColtDan
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2009
- Messages
- 24,876
im so sorry to read this
feel so sorry for you both... fucking hell... i dunno what to say. you must been feeling so bad, what a complete fuck up
Ixchellian
Bluelighter
It is a shame Australians don't understand what is in our Constitution, I think you would find most Americans know theirs, which is a wonderful document, shame it is being treated with contempt by consecutive Presidents
end rant.
You'd be surprised to learn that alarming numbers of Americans don't even know our Pledge of Allegiance, how the Declaration of Independence begins..... or even which document contains the Bill of Rights.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
All in all though? If shit hits the fan, I'd think Aus/NZ would be two of the safest places to be..... survivalwise. There are a LOT less ppl in that neck of the woods, and plenty of space to repopulate later 8)
Last edited:
ocean
Bluelight Crew
Thanks fyasko and Asc.......
My Dr. of course knew me before, but I think I was just being oversensitive the day I posted that.
I'm comfortable with myself and fine with it all....
That day (and for a few days after) I was concerned I was slipping mentally about my self image issues and worried about not seeing myself right.
Again, I think I was just worrying too much
Thank you for your responses though.
LoveHateLove- I am so sorry to hear this
I hope that since your post you've learned more of the situation- Is she going to go through chemo?
I will send positive energy your way.
My Dr. of course knew me before, but I think I was just being oversensitive the day I posted that.
I'm comfortable with myself and fine with it all....
That day (and for a few days after) I was concerned I was slipping mentally about my self image issues and worried about not seeing myself right.
Again, I think I was just worrying too much
Thank you for your responses though.
LoveHateLove- I am so sorry to hear this
I hope that since your post you've learned more of the situation- Is she going to go through chemo?
I will send positive energy your way.
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
Jumping in here.... LoveHateLove am sorry to hear that uv recieved that news, it really is a painfull thing to know a loved one is seriously ill having been there myself as a child.
Me I'm just pissed that im feeling so lethargic, im walking everyday for a km as part of this get better thing, but cant communicate with people which i find frustrating. When I'm home i have these days where i struggle to get anything done, and theres lots to do, Today is shaping up 2 be one of those, I just wanna go to bed and if i end up there il have another unproductive day.
Me I'm just pissed that im feeling so lethargic, im walking everyday for a km as part of this get better thing, but cant communicate with people which i find frustrating. When I'm home i have these days where i struggle to get anything done, and theres lots to do, Today is shaping up 2 be one of those, I just wanna go to bed and if i end up there il have another unproductive day.
zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
bout to be homeless, again. this time, not my fault or due to any of my actions.
bring on the bullshit, i guess. I'm sick and tired of this shit. I don't even know where to go or what to do.
bring on the bullshit, i guess. I'm sick and tired of this shit. I don't even know where to go or what to do.
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
Man that sucks
It's something i live in fear of everyday... PM us if u wanna 4 a chat I get really pissed when i see the extent of homlessness not just here but its shocking in the states
RevDrucifer
Bluelighter
I have so many beautiful people/things in my grasp, but don't have the emotional outlet to let it thrive.
Guilt adds to anger day by day.
Guilt adds to anger day by day.
UnicornPower
Greenlighter
I am sick of insecurity, my family has been through 3 bankruptcies thanks to my fathers terrible business deals and it's just too stressful. Especially watching my mother have to move again at 55 because the owners are selling the house. They should be retired and enjoying each other, not fighting, worrying about where they are going to go in a couple of months and how they will afford it.
Fyasko.
Bluelighter
people piss me off, i can honestly say i only have 1 or 2 real friends, at most.
i wanna vent, but have no fuckin idea where to start.
all i can say is that i have no idea whats going on in my life right now.
im starting Effexor today, so hopefully that'll help,
i wanna vent, but have no fuckin idea where to start.
all i can say is that i have no idea whats going on in my life right now.
im starting Effexor today, so hopefully that'll help,
about 2 or 3 weeks ago i woke up in my car, parked, door open with one leg out the car, apparently on my way to go walk up to my friends house. he had invited me over and i did some H beforehand. i guess it was a stronger batch but anyway i was outside my friends house and they found me nodded out . so about a week ago i check into detox, again. got maybe 5 hours sleep in the 5 days i was there, and went to work the day after i got out (25th) (i do construction/roofing)
i really didnt want to work, but i have rent to pay, so i grabbed some blow that morning. first time i did blow in ages, i really hate that stuff.
ive got this fucking fixation that i need drugs to be productive, cause when im sober im lethargic and dont really wanna do anything.
damn im really fucked up
i really didnt want to work, but i have rent to pay, so i grabbed some blow that morning. first time i did blow in ages, i really hate that stuff.
ive got this fucking fixation that i need drugs to be productive, cause when im sober im lethargic and dont really wanna do anything.
damn im really fucked up
^ FWIW- me too and you know what, its fucking okay to be sometimes! I hope the lethargy wavers man. Maybe keep an eye on your health and try to invest in recupperating and not abandoning yourself when you do feel lethargic- I know its easier said than done however perhaps there are legitimate medical and/psychological reasons for your lethargy that you can find out about? Keep that chin up and dont surrender to neglecting yourself! 
@ Fyasko: Man I hear this, I have been feeling the exact same way of late, very alienated. I too will be taking some form of anti-D's as soon as I get my financial stuff sorted. We dont have to suffer this without getting some kind of support. I have a difficult time dealing and trusting relationships too, so plz dont think you are alone in this hun. Reaching out and venting when you feel you can/are ready always helps. Dot forget to get angry at your losses; remember it isnt all down to you that these things occur. Sometimes life is just a plain, difficult pain in the arse!! Good luck with the anti-D's, I hope they help and keep on fighting for yourself.
So sorry to hear this man! Have you any alternative place to stay in the interm, any plan that you can put in action, anyone/organisation to contact that can help you out? Let us know whats going on for you hun!
I remember feeling hell as being; having everything you need but not being able to appreciate it. :/ This is a difficult place to be in to say the least.
Have you considered therapy? Perhaps it may be an option to help you learn how to unfurl your emotions. Please be kind to yourself and strive to take things easy with yourself, berating yourself is only going to increase the problem and make things more difficult for you and others. I dont know your situation but I really hope that you share this with someone. Feel free to pm me if you want.
Im guessing your Father does not want to see sense? I hope that you concentrate on yourself during this time and remember that you are NOT responsible for any of this nor do you have to carry on this legacy of insecurity into your own life. You must be strong to endure these dramatic upheavels over and over. However, you should not have to carry the burden of the fallout on your own, Is there anyone you can talk to about this? You sound like a very levelheaded and compassionate person, I would hate for this stress and insecurity to be integrated into your sense of self. Plz dont carry this alone and let us know what is happening for you and what you are doing to manage hun.
I hope the lethargy wavers man. Maybe keep an eye on your health and try to invest in recupperating and not abandoning yourself when you do feel lethargic- I know its easier said than done however perhaps there are legitimate medical and/psychological reasons for your lethargy that you can find out about? Keep that chin up and dont surrender to neglecting yourself! @ Fyasko: Man I hear this, I have been feeling the exact same way of late, very alienated. I too will be taking some form of anti-D's as soon as I get my financial stuff sorted. We dont have to suffer this without getting some kind of support. I have a difficult time dealing and trusting relationships too, so plz dont think you are alone in this hun. Reaching out and venting when you feel you can/are ready always helps. Dot forget to get angry at your losses; remember it isnt all down to you that these things occur. Sometimes life is just a plain, difficult pain in the arse!! Good luck with the anti-D's, I hope they help and keep on fighting for yourself.
So sorry to hear this man!
Have you any alternative place to stay in the interm, any plan that you can put in action, anyone/organisation to contact that can help you out? Let us know whats going on for you hun! I remember feeling hell as being; having everything you need but not being able to appreciate it. :/ This is a difficult place to be in to say the least.
Have you considered therapy? Perhaps it may be an option to help you learn how to unfurl your emotions. Please be kind to yourself and strive to take things easy with yourself, berating yourself is only going to increase the problem and make things more difficult for you and others. I dont know your situation but I really hope that you share this with someone. Feel free to pm me if you want.
This is truly sad and also must be terribly painful for you to be experiencing a heart-wrenching situation that you have no control over and are caught up in the middle of.I am sick of insecurity, my family has been through 3 bankruptcies thanks to my fathers terrible business deals and it's just too stressful. Especially watching my mother have to move again at 55 because the owners are selling the house. They should be retired and enjoying each other, not fighting, worrying about where they are going to go in a couple of months and how they will afford it.
Im guessing your Father does not want to see sense? I hope that you concentrate on yourself during this time and remember that you are NOT responsible for any of this nor do you have to carry on this legacy of insecurity into your own life. You must be strong to endure these dramatic upheavels over and over. However, you should not have to carry the burden of the fallout on your own, Is there anyone you can talk to about this? You sound like a very levelheaded and compassionate person, I would hate for this stress and insecurity to be integrated into your sense of self. Plz dont carry this alone and let us know what is happening for you and what you are doing to manage hun.
Last edited:
Fyasko.
Bluelighter
is anyone else okay with being a loner?
i know its just gonna be for a few more weeks until school starts and i can make new friends,
but i'd just like to know if you guys are comfortable with being a loner (if you are one)
i know its just gonna be for a few more weeks until school starts and i can make new friends,
but i'd just like to know if you guys are comfortable with being a loner (if you are one)
addictivepersona
Bluelight Crew
^ I wasn't always but now I'm okay with having one or two close friends. Unless you're talking about not having any friends... I wasn't okay with that when I had that... :-/
I don't feel well. At all. At work today, there was something wrong with the water making it bright yellow and smell a bit funky when it sat out (like in the toilets--it smelled close to urine upon first whiff). Well, of course I have an opaque water bottle and didn't notice the smell... So I drank about 20 oz of it. Felt okay at first, but then I noticed this listless feeling that has only gotten worse as the day has gone on because I haven't drank enough since then... All the water in the building was coming out yellow (you couldn't tell while the water was running, but if you let it pool, you could tell)... Tried getting water from the water cooler but that stuff is just disgusting... So instead of drinking about 20oz an hour like I normally do, I've had 10oz in the past couple hours. I also haven't eaten in awhile. I have no appetite / desire for food, let alone the desire to cook or clean like I normally do on Thursdays.
Ugh. tl;dr I feel like shit.
I don't feel well. At all. At work today, there was something wrong with the water making it bright yellow and smell a bit funky when it sat out (like in the toilets--it smelled close to urine upon first whiff). Well, of course I have an opaque water bottle and didn't notice the smell... So I drank about 20 oz of it. Felt okay at first, but then I noticed this listless feeling that has only gotten worse as the day has gone on because I haven't drank enough since then... All the water in the building was coming out yellow (you couldn't tell while the water was running, but if you let it pool, you could tell)... Tried getting water from the water cooler but that stuff is just disgusting... So instead of drinking about 20oz an hour like I normally do, I've had 10oz in the past couple hours. I also haven't eaten in awhile. I have no appetite / desire for food, let alone the desire to cook or clean like I normally do on Thursdays.
Ugh. tl;dr I feel like shit.
- Status