For the past few weeks, more and more I think about ending my life. Every time I reach those extremely low points, those points that can't get any lower, I get thoughts of why I don't want to end my life, but more and more often it's on my mind. I feel like I'd never have the courage to do it, but it feels like my tolerance for life is getting thinner as time goes on.
My mother died of lung cancer in December of 2010. She had been ill for 5 years, relying on me to take care of her. Her illness gave me purpose in life, it gave me a reason to be alive. While having purpose, I abused Oxycodone to mask the pain I felt every day. When she died, I quit cold turkey and lost all purpose to my life. I was out of school, out of work and no future ahead of me. I moved in my with father, and ever since then things have been nothing but strained between us. I live with my Step mom in her basement while my father works to keep food on the table. I look for work every other day, and have done so for months with not one single call back. I can't even get in to college because I missed the deadline for enrollment.
I'm an extremely lonely person. I'm 20 years old, and haven't had a girlfriend in 3 years. Everyone women I want to get close to doesn't see me in that way. I constantly think about this girl I love. I've known her a few months, and we've been friends for 5 or 6, but she has no interest in me. I fantasy every day about being with her. I look at her facebook pictures almost every day, and dream of being with her, but I know it'll never happen. I've asked her out, and she has no interest in me whatsoever. I keep thinking of when she told me "It's not going to happen" after I asked her a second time. I feel pathetic. I'm miserable, and I can't help but feel a huge reason nobody wants to be with me is because I'm such a miserable person. I'm not though, not on the inside. I want to love, I want to take care of, I want to do everything in my power to make her happy. But I can't, and it's because I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough, I've always been a failure.
I have nobody to talk to, and even when I do find a friend to listen I don't want to share my troubles because I'm doing nothing but whining. Who wants to listen to a person vent? Nobody. I want to see a doctor, and go to a therapist, but they never helped me in the past. Even now, I'm having trouble getting a therapist again because I have no medical insurance at the moment, something my father won't help me take care of because he is always working.
I lie, I steal, and I'm a low life drug addict. I steal pain medication from my step mother's medicine cabinet. I steal my step mom's xanax. I steal money from my father for drugs, and any money he gives me always goes to drugs. I abuse drugs to punish myself, to make myself feel acceptable. The only time I'm truly happy, is when I'm too high to care. The only time I don't need to be high to be happy, is when I'm with the girl I love, the girl I have no chance with. She makes me so happy, because she is pure beauty. I look at people, and I see nothing but disgusting flaws, disgusting traits. When I look at her, I see none. I see nothing but things I admire. Her eyes, her lips, her body, her personality. Everything about it is amazing. I can't help but hate myself for not being good enough for her. I'll even pay for her drugs when we spend time together just because it's my way of making myself feel like I'm doing something for her. I can't take her to movies, I can't buy her things, all because I have no job or money to do such things. Paying for our drugs, our acid or our ketamine is my way of taking her out. Why do I do it? I guess cause it makes me feel like it makes her happy. She can afford it, I can't, yet I do it any way. I hate my life. I live in a dirty basement, I have no job, hardly any friends, and my father is my only family and not even he trusts me. I think about dieing every day. I don't know why I don't just kill myself. Nothing changes.
I feel so alone. I just want to be loved by someone again. Once my mother died, that was it. I lost all feeling of being loved, and I've been dieing for it ever since. I wish this girl loved me...I'd give anything just to have her for a day. Just having that day would be enough to make me the happiest man alive. I wouldn't need to live anymore, I could kill myself and know I lived the happiest moment I ever imagined. It's all I want. It's the happiest moment I know I'll never have. Fuck me, I wish this pain would go away. I don't know what else to say...I'm done. I don't expect a reply, I just needed to vent to someone, or in this case something. I hate feeling this pain every single day. Someone please help me...
