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Divorce

64tf

64tf

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2002
Messages
3,593
Location
Columbus Oh
After almost 6 years of marriage my wife and I have decided this isn't going to work. She is moving into an apartment next week, and we're beginning the process of a divorce. We have a child, house, car, and almost 10 years together that will need to work out. It's extremely complicated, and very stressful. I feel physically ill most days. We talked to our daughter about it last night, and it was heart breaking. I have always wanted to make my first marriage my only marriage, but it didn't work out that way.

We're doing a good job of working together on the split. We don't plan on any big court battles, and we're going to have shared custody of our daughter. I'd like to hear from other bluelighters about their experiences with divorce.
 
Mine was really easy. He wasn't a malicious guy, even though it was my decision that I wasn't happy. I try not to put all the blame on him. I evolved and matured, he didn't, and I became unhappy and miserable. I cried, yelled, everything that I wasn't happy and he basically thought I would never have the nerve to get out.

As you know, it's never just one thing in these situations. It's a bunch of things, so it's hard to explain in a forum post. We had no kids, but he moved out and left me the place, took a bunch of his stuff and that's it. The only argument we had was over a computer. lol

I don't regret it at all. I regret hurting him. He needed therapy, and I just went off an partied with friends.

I'm less heartless than I was back then, but I'm also more secure in myself. So many people told me that the second marriage is the best one, but I'm not so sure I want to get married again. I would be perfectly happy living with someone for the rest of my life. I tried it and didn't like it. lol
 
meh - all i can say is that it sounds pretty easy, like you guys aren't going to fight over things. but, once you get moving, i promise that you will.

make sure you have a good attorney and don't believe everything your wife says. many people do have a pretty seamless divorces, but they're in the minority. just protect yourself and treat it as a business deal.

my soon to be ex and i battle over the dumbest shit. just today she started a fucking shitstorm about picking up a bed on friday instead of sunday. but she's crazy. hopefully your soon to be ex isn't as crazy as mine.

you already know this, but just make sure the decisions you make are in the best interest of your child.

sucks man. sorry you're going through this. i feel you.
 
Mine was just finalized June 1st. We were married 23 years. We didn't fight over any material items - that was actually the easiest part. Emotionally, however, was far more difficult. We spent the last several months living in the same house (for financial reasons), and he had a girlfriend most of that time. That dynamic added some stress.

Luckily that is behind me... I'm enjoying having my own space, and know that healing takes time and that the future will hold some more positive and fulfilling experiences for me.

I hope that for your child's sake you stay on good terms. I think it is important to remember that most material items don't really matter. Try to make sure that you keep true to what is fair. In the end, having a decent friendship will be far more important to help raise your child than the huge battle over who gets to keep the china.
 
Cougar said:
Mine was just finalized June 1st. We were married 23 years. We didn't fight over any material items - that was actually the easiest part. Emotionally, however, was far more difficult. We spent the last several months living in the same house (for financial reasons), and he had a girlfriend most of that time. That dynamic added some stress.

Luckily that is behind me... I'm enjoying having my own space, and know that healing takes time and that the future will hold some more positive and fulfilling experiences for me.

I hope that for your child's sake you stay on good terms. I think it is important to remember that most material items don't really matter. Try to make sure that you keep true to what is fair. In the end, having a decent friendship will be far more important to help raise your child than the huge battle over who gets to keep the china.
Click to expand...

You sound a lot like me. I was so happy to have my space. I was so happy to finally feel like I was no longer under this guy's thumb who didn't support me in change. I felt so free. I still wish I hadn't hurt him, but he was not for me. I am so happy it's behind me. Even the relationships that have turned horrible haven't made me think that I made a mistake. I love my freedom.
 
We both really want to keep the lawyers out of this. We've had a few bumps so fair, but we're doing pretty good. Next weekend will be rough when she moves, but I'm going to go out of town to a family reunion so I won't be around for it. It's inspiring to see that some people have gotten through this without a war breaking out.

ChickenScratch was there a event, or point that it would bad, or was it going that way from the begining?
 
64tf said:
We both really want to keep the lawyers out of this. We've had a few bumps so fair, but we're doing pretty good. Next weekend will be rough when she moves, but I'm going to go out of town to a family reunion so I won't be around for it. It's inspiring to see that some people have gotten through this without a war breaking out.

ChickenScratch was there a event, or point that it would bad, or was it going that way from the begining?
Click to expand...

Check out this thread where ChickenScratch talks a little about his situation and helps someone else out with some dad issues.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=579376
 
64tf said:
ChickenScratch was there a event, or point that it would bad, or was it going that way from the begining?
Click to expand...

yea, if you read that thread that lysis linked you'll realize that i'm dealing with an extremely difficult person. i've just had to make sure that i set boundries so she doesn't use me, because she will if given the opportunity. it sucks.

example...she sends me an email telling me what she's going to take from the house the other day. keep in mind, we've pretty much done all of this on her terms and she's gotten everything she wants. anyway, there is a nice shelf in our kids room that i had made clear i was going to keep a couple of months ago. the shelf starts a shit storm because now she wants it, but i held my ground and told her she was not getting it.

here's the deal...i feel fucking ridiculous arguing over a shelf and i could do without it. but it goes back to my boundries. because of the child she is going to be in my life forever and i feel like i need to show resistance to certain things in order to not get walked all over in the future. this is something my shrink and i have talked a lot about.

kinda like training a puppy to be honest. there are a million sticks in the woods but your puppy wants the one damn stick that some other dog is playing with, but you make your puppy go find another stick so he doesn't grow up to be an asshole dog that gets everything it wants when it wants it. i hate to compare the mother of my child to a fucking dog, but it's the best comparison i can think of.

anyway, it sounds like you and your wife are more on the same page than me and mine, so it could work out for you pretty easily. on that note, you might just want to get a consultation from an attorney just to have it in your back pocket in case you need it.

again, sorry you're going through this. divorce is horrible, especially with a child.
 
also, there is a lot to my story that i may share at some point. but she's trying to take me for a lot of money. she hasn't worked in almost 4 years and is refusing to even look for a job waiting tables or in retail or something. so, yea....she got nasty and i got a good lawyer.

of course, there are two sides to this story. i haven't been perfect, but i'm doing my best to be fair in the divorce process.
 
64tf said:
We have a child, house, car, and almost 10 years together that will need to work out.
Click to expand...
Now she has a house, car, total say when you can see your kid and about ten years of secrets that are now being spread to all your family and friends.

I'd add my experience but she stalks Bluelight and I don't need the grief. Things are good all things considered several years down the track. Make sure you get a lawyer for no other reason but to make sure your rights as a father are not given up. Give her your material objects and as much money as you can afford to pay for the time you were together. Keep the big screen tv, your golf clubs and your dignity.

My divorce was as smooth as can be expected for a young professional (bullshit future earnings :| ), I am just happy that my kids are happy and we can all sit down and have a meal together and there is not tension or spite. My only regret is she moved the kids 100km away and I only see them on the weekends. My lawyer didn't see that one coming. :|
 
my ex straight up took my flat screen that i purchased before we were even married and that i mounted on the wall by myself. this kind of set the precedent for dividing up belongings. it was the one thing i asked that she not take.

but yea, material shit is best to just let go of. just get a lawyer, you don't even have to tell your wife you have one. if she's fair, you might not even need him, but it's best to have him just in case.

i still have my golf clubs. so i got that going for me, which is nice.
 
^^ My ex took the big TV too with the surround sound, but I admit it was his. I kinda hated it, but had to let it go. He was really nice and left me most stuff, but he did say x was "his" and he wanted it when he got his own place. It kinda annoyed me, because he lived with his mom for 3-4 years, so I wound up basically being a storage facility for him. I didn't have a big place and had 2 couches and 2 cats that he kept saying he was coming back for. I finally threw away the couch after holding it for a year.

He finally bought his own place after a total of 6-7 years living with his mom. He was a huge momma's boy, which was another reason I couldn't stand it anymore. Some of our arguments stemmed from him doing what his mom said.

For a while, he had a key to my place and would come into the house whenever he wanted. I kinda thought he was going to move back, but he started showing up to my house unannounced, which got really old. He wrote me a very heart-felt letter one night and I put it away to keep, because he really let it all out in this letter. One day, I was feeling down and I went to read the letter and it was gone. I never asked him, but I think he went back on his mom's advice and stole the letter back. I wouldn't be surprised if his mom put it in his head that I would use the letter against him to take shit from him. I was so pissed off that he would go through my stuff and steal a letter. I also had a gun under my bed that went missing too, and I know he came in and took it without asking. After that, I told him he needed to stop. I was so pissed off at him for taking things without asking. I would have let him have anything (even the letter if he really wanted it back), but instead he came in and stole it behind my back.

So anyway, to the OP, change the locks or take her key, if you haven't already.
 
I've had to leave stuff at the house because the garage to my apartment wasn't available yet. It creates a weird situation, and I wish now that I had just rented a storage unit, sorted through the stuff and got my stuff out of the house. He can't fully make the place "his" with my stuff hanging around, and it keeps me tethered to him and the house. He got angry with me shortly after I moved out and destroyed some pictures, so I want to be very cautious about not upsetting the balance right now. I was able to move some things out this weekend, and my garage will be available August 1st, so I am VERY close to completion!

My advice to anyone in this situation is to go through the house.. mark things "his" and "hers", so there is no question on what was agreed. Then move the stuff out...ANYWHERE ELSE... with both parties present to make sure the agreement is honored.
 
It's tough on anyone, 64tf, and all I can say is to divide responsibilities fairly and never give up on your daughter. I clearly won't say more than I hope the two of you are able to co-parent, and that it is tough to give up on a dream.

-mariposa (only daughter of a set of divorced parents who loved each other, but things didn't work out between my parents)

PS - you know how to contact me if you're in need of a listening ear.
 
Unfortunately, I can contribute to this thread. After 5 years of marriage (together for 7) we are separating.
He wants children and to move back to Connecticut. I want neither. There is no compromise on this one :(

He is moving back home to CT next month. We have to wait 6 months living apart before filing for divorce.

So far, things have been amicable. He isn't asking to take a lot with him. We are having the house assessed and he will get half the equity in payments from me payable after the divorce. We will have a laywer draw up a martial settlement agreement before he leaves the state outlining who gets what which cannot and will not be contested at the divorce hearing.

This fucking sucks but there has always been a part of me that knew this would happen eventually.
 
I'm sorry, PI. Sounds like my divorce, so (not sure if you've gone through this) I can tell you it's the best way to go about it. No arguing about anything and just split everything. We didn't own our place, but I kept the place we were in for a while (renting). The only thing that really bothered me was he would continue to come into my home without telling me. Sometimes, I'd be doing my thing and he'd just show up. I felt bad, but I had enough and yelled at him that he needs to call before just showing up. I also know he took some stuff from my house without my permission because he just believed it was his. Like..I had a gun under my bed and it was suddenly gone. I wasn't happy with that.
 
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