drugs are tearing my life apart

[soundsystem00]

I have been using drugs heavily on and off since 2005. mostly Xanax has been the biggest issue but honestly ill do whatever I can get my hands on.

recently I picked up my first felony charge. I sat in county jail for 6 months before being bonded out. in that 6 months I seriously analyzed my lifestyle and how it was affecting me and my family. I finally made bond and my lawyer promised he could beat the case.

I began reconstruction of my life. eventually I was built back up and had a new phone, new car, and a good job. that is when a wave of depression hit suddenly and unexpectedly. I began slipping back into old habits. it was so easy and happened very fast. one day I lost it all. took 3 2mg Xanax at work and got fired. missed my court, lost my truck and got kicked out of my dads house.

so here I am again with nothing. I don't see rehab as an option because of my financial state and the fact that I sat in jail so long without drugs and saw so much that should deter drug use.

I would like to go back to school butam afraid of relapse. I have to learn to say no. that's the bottom line. benzos often come my way and I have trouble resisting. I really need to change my surroundings but even then I would still encounter drugs.

I would just like to know what anyone reading would recommend in my situation. I cut a deal with my case and took 5 years felony probation. if I were to even get a degree I don't know if I would be able to surpass my competition with a record like this. there is a place I could go to work locally andmake pretty good money but my repitition the passed years is get a job, do good for a while until the shit hits the fan then start over. I want to break the cycle somehow.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi soundsystem, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles man. Firstly just let me say that I sincerely hope that you can work something out in your situation that will enable you to steer clear of drugs. Humans are capable of amazing things, please know that your current situation will NOT last forever, you will get through this rough patch

I understand that rehab isn't an option right now due to expenses. But what about regular counselling? You can find some reasonably priced drug counsellors, maybe get in touch with your local community center and see if they have something like that to offer you. I really think that you would benefit from getting some help with a therapist because from what you have written it sounds like you have the basic knowledge and motivation to be clean for a little while, but you need some further help staying clean long-term. A therapist/counsellor can give you this help.

Other than that, what is your support network like? Do you have any close friends or relatives who can help you through this? The more support you have, the better your chances are of staying clean.

School is a fantastic idea because it will help give you motivation, as you will have an actual goal that you are striving for (getting good gradges and then getting a degree). It will also give you more confidence and self-esteem because you will be achieving something that will be beneficial to your future.

Do you think it's possible for you to get some regular counselling? In my opinion that is what you should consider as your top priority at this stage.

 

[HighonLife]

I have been using drugs heavily on and off since 2005. mostly Xanax has been the biggest issue but honestly ill do whatever I can get my hands on.

recently I picked up my first felony charge. I sat in county jail for 6 months before being bonded out. in that 6 months I seriously analyzed my lifestyle and how it was affecting me and my family. I finally made bond and my lawyer promised he could beat the case.

I began reconstruction of my life. eventually I was built back up and had a new phone, new car, and a good job. that is when a wave of depression hit suddenly and unexpectedly. I began slipping back into old habits. it was so easy and happened very fast. one day I lost it all. took 3 2mg Xanax at work and got fired. missed my court, lost my truck and got kicked out of my dads house.

so here I am again with nothing. I don't see rehab as an option because of my financial state and the fact that I sat in jail so long without drugs and saw so much that should deter drug use.

I would like to go back to school butam afraid of relapse. I have to learn to say no. that's the bottom line. benzos often come my way and I have trouble resisting. I really need to change my surroundings but even then I would still encounter drugs.

I would just like to know what anyone reading would recommend in my situation. I cut a deal with my case and took 5 years felony probation. if I were to even get a degree I don't know if I would be able to surpass my competition with a record like this. there is a place I could go to work locally andmake pretty good money but my repitition the passed years is get a job, do good for a while until the shit hits the fan then start over. I want to break the cycle somehow.

whats up man? you back in texas now? you just get outta county? dallas? or did u get busted in Cali? what was the charge if u dont mind me asking?

i too have had the same vicous cycle with jobs, get a new one, work hard n do good for awhile, then get complacent n either quit or get fired.

im in a similar situation myself right now, i know its been awhile since we talked and i know i was always "quitting" when we were talkin but i have a had a bit of bad luck lately n i have decdided this has to be it as well, im 3 months clean from dope n this is day 4 with no nothing (weed included)

man i dont know what to tell ya tho, getting a job might do well to help u get back on ur feet n start feelin better but maybe u need some time to work things out, im not really sure. the onlything i can recommend is to just try to be constructive, keep working on ur music, i remember enjoyin what i heard awhile back, hows that coming btw?

anyways man, i hope things start to turn around for ya, if u want anyone to talk to man im always here, i havent been around BL much the last couple of months but i have been all over the boards this last week (just got fired again) soo again man if u wanna talk im here if not no sweat, keep ur head up, thats all i can say, its what i keep tellin myself

good to see ya back around the baords tho

 

[TheLostBoys]

The thing is you're gonna have to find happiness in your life w/o drugs. Its gonna be difficult but you gotta get threw those cravings for benzos & what not. Thank goodness I never found the attraction to benzos like others do.

 

[gavatron@oz]

sounsystem00

hey there mate, your story is familiar one, not just to me but im sure to alot of us.,

Firstly,as the N3ophy7e mentioned, the help and guidance that a drug counseller can offer will quite often put the issues in your life into perspective.. Alot of problems that ive seen as devastating and unbearable in the past have been alot less influencial as what i thought they were once a counsellor breaks it down for you..

Luckilly in Australia our health system has realised tne impact of mental health amongst mostly youg people,and we have a system where upon a referral from a gp, your given 6-8 free vivsits to a psychologist..however you should be able to find free couselling. For years i was anti- psychologist,as my miss' would see one- i struggled to understand how knowledge learnt from theory could have someone guide you in life,but after hitting rock bottom( first time!) i gave in and ,after trying a few different psychologist,ive now found a drug addiction specialist who has steered me out trouble almost always.

You seem to be respectable,willing and capable to work..Are there any hobbies,along with your music that can help fill in your time?? Physical activity is very beneficial..surfing for me has been my outlet..

The drug use,addiction,or the re-occuring cycle that yiu speak of is actually a symptom of underlying issues, and no doubt these would come out with counselling. Some of the things bottled up and tucked away in our memory,some you dont even seem like they influence you today are often the cause of addiction. As metioned above,support groups important.Non drug using preferably..

The way you ascess problems or hurdles in your life may me contributing..for me it was so easy to turn to the meth when things went wrong..im still struggling like shit,and when one thing i life goes bad it has a roll on affect as you've seen.

Chin up though buddy.Ever thought of a move away from dallas?

All in all youve got your head screwed on right,without knowing you,to me it seems its the way you perceive problemsor troubles in life that brings you back to the benzo's.

All the best mate,take that job perhaps,but dont get too complacent and comfortable with this issue aftet a few months,thatd when i comes back and bites you on the ass again..

All the best..your world is made up of your thoughts,create what you want. Pm me when or if ever you like.im no rocket scientist.but ive had some good cyber friends n bl that have been very helpful to me at dark times.

ENJOY MATE! stay safe,take care of yourself.

 

[soundsystem00]

whats up man? you back in texas now? you just get outta county? dallas? or did u get busted in Cali? what was the charge if u dont mind me asking?

i too have had the same vicous cycle with jobs, get a new one, work hard n do good for awhile, then get complacent n either quit or get fired.

im in a similar situation myself right now, i know its been awhile since we talked and i know i was always "quitting" when we were talkin but i have a had a bit of bad luck lately n i have decdided this has to be it as well, im 3 months clean from dope n this is day 4 with no nothing (weed included)

man i dont know what to tell ya tho, getting a job might do well to help u get back on ur feet n start feelin better but maybe u need some time to work things out, im not really sure. the onlything i can recommend is to just try to be constructive, keep working on ur music, i remember enjoyin what i heard awhile back, hows that coming btw?

anyways man, i hope things start to turn around for ya, if u want anyone to talk to man im always here, i havent been around BL much the last couple of months but i have been all over the boards this last week (just got fired again) soo again man if u wanna talk im here if not no sweat, keep ur head up, thats all i can say, its what i keep tellin myself

good to see ya back around the baords tho

sup man? yeah I have kept a distance from bluelight because I always hung out in OD and it makes me crave drugs.

I got hold of one of my friends in dallas. he is a little older than me. we use to do a lot of heroin together back in the day but he has turned his life around and stayed clean for a long time now. there is a halfway house he stays in and there is am extra bed available. he can plug me in to a good support network of sober people. the best thing about it is that I would be in downtown dallas. since a big reason for my drug use is Boredom I think it would help a lot to be busy all the time. we know a lot of local dallas djs so there would always be something fun to do. I haven't made up my mind yet but I am seriously considering this route.

 

[HighonLife]

that sound good man, sounds like ur taking steps n thats all u can do

i dont wanna shit on your birthday cake or anything but i do just wanna give some caution and say u should def consider whether or not bein in a halfway house in downtown dallas will be the best thing (and dont get me wrong ur friend will know better about this particular halfway house then me, if he has legit clean time there then maybe its a good atmosphere but not all halfway houses are good atmospheres, just sayin)

i definately get what ur sayin about being busy n constructive n keeping ur mind occupied, but from personal experience, if i go South of Commerse St. i start fiendin, im fine when on Commerce cuz there is enough goin on n stuff but just as a reference if i go south of commerece or god forbid I-30, man i start fiendin lika motherfucker.

but man if u just keep to ur music n keep ur nose clean then it shouldnt be too much of a problem

 

[phactor]

Halfway Houses can be great as long as you are really damn serious and honest with yourself. Its great to surround yourself with other people in recovery, but just like everything else in life, there are going to be people that are just using it to try to get out of trouble.

Cling to those who have stayed clean and do what they do. Go to meetings (SMART, AA/NA or both) at least for awhile. I did a 90 in 90 and it helped out alot, even though I eventually realized that the 12 steps were not for me. I still go to a meeting here and there.

 

[soundsystem00]

yeah I don't know anymore. I'd really like to go to school at unt to tell the truth. I have always wanted to go to school there bur it would be a lot of work to get in. I haven't gone to school in so long that it would be real hard to get back in the groove. I'm thinking about trying to get a job at a local factory. it would at least hep me financially. I'm just so smart and feel like its a waiste to work shit jobs. I'm just so confused.

 

[HighonLife]

yea man, im tryin to get back into UNT aswell

1st time i had to WD cuz of Oxy then took a year off, tried again, was on academic probation and failed cuz of my heroin habit

i didnt sign-up for the fall semester (pretty sure i wouldnt have been allowed to) soo now im tryin to get back on my feet before i go and plead with admissions

i think school is a good idea, its just real troublesome for me b/c alot of my usage was done at school, in between/before/during, classes. i def used it for my anxiety and i go crazy bein on campus not doped up

 

[phactor]

Don't move too fast. I would get some good amount of clean time before returning to school. I graduated college but am now looking into getting a masters. I have to be very cautious of this though because school can cause additional stress.

School always kept me from getting too out of control, the homework kept me busy and I didn't want to go to class high or sick/hungover. It took me a few years to get serious, but when I did school was very good for me.

yea man, im tryin to get back into UNT aswell

1st time i had to WD cuz of Oxy then took a year off, tried again, was on academic probation and failed cuz of my heroin habit

i didnt sign-up for the fall semester (pretty sure i wouldnt have been allowed to) soo now im tryin to get back on my feet before i go and plead with admissions

i think school is a good idea, its just real troublesome for me b/c alot of my usage was done at school, in between/before/during, classes. i def used it for my anxiety and i go crazy bein on campus not doped up

Associations fade over time. If you have been clean or really cut back and got off the opiates I'd bet you would be fine after some time. I have no idea where you are at. Not attacking you, but it sounds like you failed school because you put your habit before school. That is what many addicts do. I would be cautious because it seems like you use school as an excuse/rationalization for using.

 

[Asclepius]

^ I totally agree with phactor here!

Take things one step at a time. I have seen so many leap into ideas without addressing their fundamental issues and addictions and it is so easy to go from feeling like everything is under control, to getting swept back into it; by Depression or any minor/major setbacks(as has happened to you already). I would think focusing on the root of things first before trying to tackle any long term plans would make more sound sense.
Best of luck with it!