• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Addiction...It controls me

I

itsjustme7

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 1, 2011
Messages
39
Hi. So I am a decent person. I am an attractive 27 year old female. I am not big into church, but I am still a decent person. But about 2 or 3 years ago, I tried a roxy for the first time. (Oxycodone). I loved it so much. Then I kept doing more and more and more. I got into a habit of snorting 10-15 of the 30mg pills at a time if I could get my hands on that many. But I have been snorting them every day for the past almost 3 years. I LOVE them. But because of this addiction, I lost my boyfriend. I lost my job. I have stolen from family and friends. I have made stupid decisions and gotten arrested. What is my problem? If I could have my way, I would continue to use oxycodone every day for the rest of my life, even after everything it has done to my life. I have one suboxone that I am going to have to use now because I cannot afford anymore pills, since I am now jobless and searching for a job. But I am just wondering how you all feel about addiction. Why do we continue to want to do the drug, even after it has pretty much destroyed our lives? I feel like it is a friend of mine that I am losing when I have to stop. I could have stopped a long time ago, if I wanted to. Also, if I didn't know where to get any, I would have no choice but to stop. But there is always somewhere I can get it. It just amazes me how something like this can be in charge of a persons life.
 
I think you need to distinguish two attitudes: 1) loving opiates and actually, as opposed to just notionally, wanting to use them forever; and 2) loving opiates but hating their effects, or loving more than you love opiates the idea of recovery.

People who recover are the ones who have attitudes of the 2nd kind. I don't think that anyone who has ever been addicted to opiates simply stops being enamoured of them in the way you've described. It's almost illogical if you think about it.

So simply loving opiates is not enough to stop you from getting clean. I adore opiates and I'm 9 days clean. But there are things I want more badly than I want to get high. In my view you need to figure out which category you fall into, and not expect to get (and stay) clean if it's the 1st one.

S
 
That's a good point. I see what you are saying. Congrats on your 9 days, that is awesome. I wish I could just use on the weekends, or just once in a while, ya know? But that is easier said than done. It is probably best to stop all together. There are things that I want more in life than to use opiates forever. It has just been a part of my life for a while now. I just need to get my mind on the right track. Thanks for responding.
 
I think this is probably better suited for The Dark Side so we'll try it over there and hopefully you'll get some good responses!

I also wanted to let you know that I've been studying addiction and addiction counseling for a couple years now so while I am not a certified/licensed professional, if you need anyone to talk to you can absolutely Private Message me any time.




OD>>>TDS
 
Hey there :) Your story doesn't sound any different from the majority of us so don't worry about there being anything wrong with you.

I feel that addiction serves some sort of purpose, or that we at least we perceive it as fulfilling some sort of need. But the reality is that there is nothing we can get from substance use that we can't get elsewhere. It may require some learning and adjustment, but in the majority of cases it's very possible to satisfy these "needs" in other ways or to realize that much of what we thought was a need was really not so. Whether it be confidence, pleasure, anticipation, calmness, etc. If drugs are being used to satisfy some sort of underlying lack that we feel is impossible to satisfy in other ways then ultimately it will just leave as us empty as we felt before we get high.

So why do you love it, what does it do for you? If you can identify this then you may have a better idea as to what sort of action to take to find alternatives to drug use.
 
^ I think this is a valuable post. It can seem very hard to believe, when you've got an opiate habit, that anything in 'real life' other than drugs could ever induce the same level of pleasure. Everything seems to sort of pale in comparison, right?

I think the trick is to try to understand that whatever the case may be regarding real life pleasure, the only way you can give yourself a reasonable shot at achieving it is by making a concerted effort. So just getting clean for a few days or a week and then comparing your position to how you would feel if you were high is not really fair to yourself.
 
After enough positive experiences with a certain drug, it is hard to forget the good times you had with the drug. Your body and mind won't want to give something so rewarding/reinforcing up so easily.

That just means it will take extra time, energy, and will-power to finally quit. Best of luck, Suboxone helped me quit using heroin and now I have no desire to ever use heroin again. :)
 
listen opiates are like a key that unlocks some warmth and something we need in our soul. for people who enjoy opiates this is a deep love connection. i think alot of depressed people have fucked up opiate receptor activity and they give us stupid drugs.

i dont know the specific reason that you use. <snip> atleast thats how i felt not all the time mostly when i was doing alot of opium but the heroin and fantanyl did that too.

you know im just thinking about it i wish that the people who are opiate users could get together they would find alot of people who understand. i know they have na for that but i been there and they do understand but they are like a political orginization it feels wierd.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
yellodolphin said:
listen opiates are like a key that unlocks some warmth and something we need in our soul. for people who enjoy opiates this is a deep love connection. i think alot of depressed people have fucked up opiate receptor activity and they give us stupid drugs.

i dont know the specific reason that you use. <snip> atleast thats how i felt not all the time mostly when i was doing alot of opium but the heroin and fantanyl did that too.

you know im just thinking about it i wish that the people who are opiate users could get together they would find alot of people who understand. i know they have na for that but i been there and they do understand but they are like a political orginization it feels wierd.
Click to expand...


yes, i am just so happy on opiates. so pleased with life, content. i absolutely love it. my tolerance is thru the roof, and i never get the feeling i did when i FIRST tried it, but i still love it. it would be great to be in a room full of opiate users, i agree. and just talk about it...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I think, in spite of my love for opiates, that I would feel a bit disgusted being in a room talking about drug-taking.

I have never met or heard from anyone in my entire life who took opiates constantly and got away with it. Even the accounts we read from Greece and Rome and from the English writers like De Quincey and Wordsworth always culminate in disaster, and these were times when opiates were readily and everywhere available!

Opium is like a riddle and noone has solved it since it was discovered; at least, noone who has an interest in opiates has achieved this, but rather the people who basically don't give a shit one way or the other whether they can get high.

You're clearly not part of this category. And you're going to fuck up I can promise you.

S
 
In my experience... when you love so much how a certain drug makes you feel, you need to suffer some really bad consequences before you finally get to the point that you truly have the desire and will to quit. I guess what I'm telling you is that after losing a job, boyfriend, getting arrested and stealing from your family... things are going to get much, much worse for you. I wish you luck.
 
Hey Itsjustme7 :)...

Your obviously aware of how the negative consequences of your opiate addiction have led to alot of setbacks in your life atm, it is harrowing to understand how much control addiction has over us but like Legerity stated, you certainly aren't alone in this situation.<3

A valued TDS'er posted this link in another site, which you may find helpful:

OverDone said:
.

... Dr. David Linden's Explanation of addiction through a neurological standpoint ....
Click to expand...
 
Afterglow...that is what I am worried about. That things will get even worse. I like to think that I am really in control, but it doesn't seem that way. At least i am aware that I have a problem..I guess that is a start.

Thank you for the link, Asclepius...listening to it now
 
opium and its derivatives just have that quality. 75% of bluelight is junkies. you fuck around with drugs; floating around bohemian style, and you inevitably run into opiates at one point. you remember its warmth, sometimes without fully realising it, and associate it with a sunny day or a fun party.

these drugs generate so many pleasurable chemicals that addiction is just linked to them so strongly. they've done studies with frogs and rats that would keep going to the morphine instead of food, and end up just like human junkies: sick, strung out, then dead [when they have unlimited supply]. it always, always ends badly. so it makes sense to me, because it's just science. it's physical reality. humans are like any other animal. pleasure/reward, pain/punishment cycle. Heroin is the king of that cycle when it comes to drugs, and that's why it so easily conquers human souls, and also any living souls. Insane? Yes. But when you look at the science and medicine of it, it makes a lot of sense -- that people who like rewards, and fear punishment, more than the rest - fearful, depressive, alienated people, who like drugs and partying - get so damn easily addicted to opiates and keep on going, just like a frog or a rat. the key is to rise above your instinct; try to manipulate it; trick yourself into a higher reality.
 
I dont know what kind of job you had before but the food service industry doesnt drug test. Meaning, waitresses, cooks, etc....if you're looking for quick money, thats where you go. Also, it seems you have an addictive personality, that is why you dont want to quit.

Pretty girls like yourself can find drugs very easily......pretty girls & drugs go hand in hand, no offense. If you are trying to quit, you will have to distance yourself from the friends that are able to get you these drugs. To lose your job & bf, means things were & are getting out of hand, obviously.
 
Last edited:
I remember one of my shrinks telling me about one of those experiments with rats: the rats could only access one of three things - water, food, or morphine. I think when they chose one the other options were removed. And all the rats just kept pressing the morphine button until they died of starvation. What a powerful experiment!!!
 
All of the above things you have done , i have as well n i wouldn't like to think i was a bad person.
But when it comes to Opiates and Benzos i turn in2 a different person and do things i wouldn't dream of when sober.
My addiction is in 2 its 17th year and i still mes up , get in debt , make bad decisions all the time.
I've been on Methadone Maintenance for the best part of my Opiate addiction n all this has done is enable me to carry on using without experiencing severe consequences .
Things are a bit different in the U.K , but Addiction is the same all over.
I wish i could say something inspiring and really insightfull , but all i can do is let u no that your not alone in this crazy insanity of addiction.
All the best ,
brimz
 
I just completed a rapid detox that has had a profound life-changing effect on me. I "loved" opiates in probably the same sense that you do. The problem was that they didn't love me back nearly as much. On the fourth day of my treatment I felt like I had never touched them. I did a self-detox several years ago from methadone and it took me six months to feel what four days did using naltrexone. I encourage you to try this method and start attending support groups such as N.A. and/or long-term treatment/therapy. You will find that sobriety can be the greatest high on Earth. Best of luck to you and know that many of us here truly care and want to see all addicts stop having to struggle with their disease. A beautiful world is out there and one can't see it through the haze of drug abuse. Hope to hear a success story from you soon :)
 
thanks for all your responses. After i lost my job, I spent all the money i had until it ran out on getting more oxies. I had 1 suboxone that i have been saving. So when i ran out of money, i started taking the suboxone. That was about 4 days ago....so i have been spreading that 1 sub out..and today i took the last of it. so i havent done any oxies, or roxies or whatever in 4 days. That is the longest I have gone without them in probably 3 years!! I want to keep this going....but I am really worried because tomorrow is my first day without any sub. or anything. I am terrified...I hope I dont feel like shit. We will see....
 
addiction sucks man, it's always on my mind. i don't want to get controlled by it, but it's just sort of a genetic thing. some people just need to try to feel normal by using drugs. i'm not at a horrible point, but it's really just a matter of self control and trying to see your position in life from an outside point of view. if that makes any sense. good luck to all, i really hope that everyone who is suffering can try to put their lives back in order.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top