Poly Drug Abuse

[WatMyConditionIsIn]

i look at drugs as an arsenal of tools that get me through the day. psychological or emotional armor right? so now im in a city with no heroin, and i feel soooo naked. i used to have a full body steel plated suit of armor that for a variety of reasons i had to trade in for what feels like a fuckin cloth tunic. i currently have nothing that gives that sense of "everything is ok" or any euphoria except booze. which of course cannot be used ALL the time. i cant/wont drink before work right? i have clonazepam (which gives me NO euphoria at all, just a very mild sense of relaxation), codeine (which i still am hooked on after a decade. its canada so i can get otc codeine everywhere and its cheap and easy to cwe it. but the only time it ever feels close to good is if i havent dosed in a while and i plug some codeine and stop sweating... weed sucks but i can still smoke a 1/4oz in 2 or 3 days... im working as a social support worker and i started working with an elderly deaf man that really put the emotional hooks in me. i feel so depressed about how he lives, his tiny bachelor suite at the deaf centre, how his meds make him sick and dizzy, etc, etc, etc... and i need stronger/better drugs to numb myself. im afraid im gonna burn out hard. not right away, but i feel the storm brewing. fuck im babbling but if i cant make some new social connections i am going to crash and burn. but i need better armor to do that, or at least ive tricked/convinced myself that i need armor to be social. ah fuck whatever im just babbling bc i cant sleep. i enjoy my job but it IS a major trigger to work w some of the ppl i work with. just feeling really depressed and bored. insomnia doesnt help. whatever fuck it. "Just deal with it you fucking dopefiend"

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey man, sorry to hear you're having a rought time at the moment

It's so easy to say "Just deal with it", but the reality of the situation is that you are a HUMAN, a highly intelligent and emotional creature. I reckon you need to start validating your emotions and to not keep trying to push them down and ignore that they exist. Everybody feels pain, everybody gets sad/angry/anxious etc, It's normal. Also, we are empathic creatures so it's only natural that you feel the old man's pain and get sad for his situation. Again, that is normal. To try and suppress those feelings is to ignore the fundamental aspects of the human emotional experience....which is futile because your emotions aren't ever going to disappear.

How long have you been using drugs to numb your emotions? I totally understand that it's a long and difficult process to re-learn how to deal with your emotions without drugs, but you have to start somewhere/sometime. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that you have no connections for H at the moment, do you think you could possibly use this to your advantage and try to face your emotions sober?

Have you ever had any counselling for your drug use (or for anything else)?

 

[WatMyConditionIsIn]

been using for 11 years. been hooked on opes for 8, used down (heroin) for the last 2. have and am currently talking to a councillor that helps a bit. so yeah been numbing myself for a while now...

 

[n3ophy7e]

That's great you're seeing a counsellor. Is there anything in particular which you dislike about feeling negative emotions? I mean, sure, they are unpleasant, but they always pass. Are you worried that if you are sober, the negative emotions won't stop?

 

[WatMyConditionIsIn]

no im aware that emotions are fleeting. but im so used to self medicating... us dopefiends are notoriously unable to cope with temporary emotional/psychological pain. and i know its temporary. im just impatient and anyone who has quit heroin knows how time dilates during wd and paws...

 

[Legerity]

no im aware that emotions are fleeting. but im so used to self medicating... us dopefiends are notoriously unable to cope with temporary emotional/psychological pain. and i know its temporary. im just impatient and anyone who has quit heroin knows how time dilates during wd and paws...

You may be more capable than you think. Emotions that are felt fully are not as painful as the fear/anxiety/depression that come from avoiding them. At least in my experience it is the expected intensity of emotions that I run from, and that expectation does not seem to match up with the actual emotion itself once I allow myself to feel it.

If you can slowly let yourself feel certain things that you would normally distract yourself from, you can kind of build up your confidence in your ability to do so. In the past I couldn't even cry at a funeral I would stuff it down. Now I tear up watching a cheesy scene in a movie or sitcom 8)

And yeah as n3o said counseling can be very helpful with these things if you have the right person. All the best

 

[Ixchellian]

Rarely a day goes by without my mixing some sort of novel multi-chemical cocktail up in my synapses..... and I've been pulling that stunt for many long years. I handle it fine (imho) as long as the chems have a psychedelic profile.... but the minute opiates got mixed in, that's when everything gets messy.
At least with psychedelics, I can make both objective & subjective choices.... but starting opiates removed objective thought. Everything becomes a reaction, almost as a mimosa plant reacts.... albeit slowly... but give a mimosa something like speed, benzos, or what have you... and there's no way the poor plant is going to function properly.

When I kicked opiates, the emotions that had been buried by years of blank experience, came up at once.... and no amount of foreign chems can fix that.... and polydrug use involving tranquilizers, CNS depressants, etc..... is only a recipie for ugliness.

Sitting in a hot shower, sobbing and screaming, and turning into a melting pile of saddness.... the white noise of running water does help with depression and time-dialation.

Keeping your habit simple is key, although I think we've all had the urge to build up a good briefcase drug collection. Take the trip, enjoy the ride...... as the great HST said..... but the fear will be right there in the back seat.
Be safe.