Nitrous and suicide

[griffenspade]

I had a pretty epic nitrous binge a few months ago, I found a science and surplus store, and bought a small weather balloon. Its lik 3-4.5 feet across.

after quite a few balloons I slipped in and outta consiousness. I dont remember much, but that, every time i "came back" from fishing out, i was highly pissed, off, like I want "MORE" "MORE MORE"

The nitrous world just seems soooo much better than this one, and it really upset me to come back to this one. Everytime id come back, it feet like being sucked back into my stupid human form, from eternal paradise. Its like realizing the other side of the nitrous cloud is wayy better than this side of life.

I have not done nitrous since then. But I have this strange obsession of having a very pleasant and dreamy death from nitrous.

Also, i'v found myself pursing it in other forms, like now, I really liked being choked out while having sex.

All of this is starting to worry me a bit, I have a beautiful life, lots of friends, and stuff to do, im only 22 yrs old, no money problems really, good job ect... I get to go raving every weekend, no parents, no probation ect...

But I do get sad every now and then. Sometimes really really really sad. But mostly after rolling, I'll go from mini-rolls to very sad, like 20 times a day, for maybe 2-3 days after rolling. And its really at these times.....

Like a movie in my mind, I want to put on the requiem for a dream song, sit in a small room, take off my clothes, sit with a bottle of liquor, cry and say good bye, and let that wonderful sound of cccucuuccusshshshshshshshshsh nitrous excaping from a tank fill the air.

: / I'v never told anymody i know in person this fantasy, but when I get stressed out, I think about it. <snip>

 

[Legerity]

Many people develop anxiety/depression from frequent MDMA consumption. If you are consuming it every weekend and it is making you feel that way, it may be wise to take a long break from it. At the very least, roll much less frequently. A lot of people get away with using MDMA weekly for a while but then it often stops providing the desired effects or begins to create various mental health issues.

To anybody feeling suicidal I would recommend therapy to have somebody to speak to about these things. Going to therapy doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you it is just an opportunity to have some guidance and open up in a safe environment. Friends or family can also be a helpful support network if there are people you feel comfortable talking to.

 

[Asclepius]

Hey griffen,

It is a horrible state to feel like you have so many good things in your life(logically) and yet something is missing, you feel awful and want to escape yourself.
Sometimes we dont really know what is really going on for us and how to manage it.
I have been there and you are not alone in this griffen.

Am glad you dont use Nitrous anymore but it seems like you are still trying to escape from yourself with the chocking/MDMA so there is something deeper here that you need to address and mabe Therepy could help support you in finding a way through this pain you are going through?.

^Legerity's recommenfations are really wise here. IF the MDMA use is making you feel worse longterm and causing Depression then it is time to address this for yourself.
Therapy can be a much needed support and you only have to disclose as much as you feel comfortable with but most Therapists have heard it all so dont judge you the way you may imagine. Would you you feel ok about getting this kind of support ATM or..?
Am so sorry that this is so hard and confusing for you right now but you cn get through this with help. Again you are not alone in this, state hun.

Thank you for being so candid about your experience on here. You can send a Private message to me or any of the Mods if you want to?
Mind yourself for the time being and let us know how things are going for you?.

 

[muvolution]

Alot of drug users have a suicide fantasy.

I do nitrous very similar to you, it sounds like, which is why I haven't done any in several years. I would go through 4 cases in a sitting, just staying as close to unconscious as I could the entire time. i can def. sympathize with "getting pulled back into your body"

Just stay away from nitrous, at least until it goes away, as that will prevent you from acting on it, and from what I gather, it is somewhat normal to have suicidal ideation sometimes, as long as it is only ideation, not action.

 

[griffenspade]

Its not just the MDMA useage. I'v cut that out for quite a while now, its been almost 3 weeks. I reallly couldnt stand it, i can kinda see, why seratonin should be a "time released" thing
Being super happy then really sad, dozens of times a day was driving me really crazy.

Its the future, that im worried about. Getting fucked up used to be a one day thing, now its become multi-day affair. I went to peacefest in chicago, had a really good time this weekend, but at sunday night, i feel this crushing sadness. and I didnt even roll.

On top of that I see myself with a career in the elctronic music industry. I mean i'v been going to raves since 16 yrs old, and now im 22 with a very strong buissness background a love for electronic music. I have the rescources and ambition to do this.

But at the same time ALL (and I specifiy ALL) of my friends like to get fucked up, some have died from using. Every weekend getting fucked up is the priority, for virtually everybody I know. Its kinda sad, I wish I could get away from it all sometimes. But here in the midwest the only young people that dont do drugs is the bible thumpers, and I cant stand those people.

My life, my dream carreer, my friends, social circle is completely revolveds around gettin fucked up. So "getting away" is kinda tough at this point. idk, i guess i just have to navigate through it.

But gosh, whenever life gets really stressful, I just think about that sweet sweet gas, and the sound of cusshshshshsshshshssh, and never waking up to all this stupid shit : /

 

[muvolution]

<snip>

<snip>

And your future career revolves around making music, not getting fucked up. If you can't make music without x, it is time to re-evaluate.

 

[laCster]

man, make sure you are taking b-complex vitamins. you are probably experiencing a vitamin b12 deficiency from all that nitrous and are experiencing the side effects.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I get to go raving every weekend,

But I do get sad every now and then. Sometimes really really really sad. But mostly after rolling, I'll go from mini-rolls to very sad, like 20 times a day, for maybe 2-3 days after rolling. And its really at these times.....

Mate, if you're taking ecstacy every weekend you are completely exhausting your brain of serotonin, so it's no wonder that you're feeling sad! I know, because I used to do the exact same thing, rave every weekend and take copious amounts of drugs. Eventually I completely lost the plot, developed a serious eating disorder, started self-harming again, and had depression that lasted for years as a direct result of abusing ecstacy. Sure, rolling is really fun but it can have some pretty serious consequences if we over-do it.

I would strongly recommend that you take a long break from rolling (and from raving, if you don't think you'll be able to abstain from rolls if you're still going to raves), and lay off all other drugs including nitrous during this time as well. You need to give your brain a chance to recover and to feel happy again. It took me about 6 months of no drugs before I felt even remotely normal again so it could take that long for you as well, although everyone is different, it could only take a few months. You'll just have to wait and see how you go. During this time be good to yourself, eat healthily, drink plenty of water and get lots of sleep. Exercise also REALLY helps as well so if you can get some good exercise in at least a few times a week you will definitely notice a change for the better.

It might also help to consider speaking to your doctor about how you're feeling as well, there are a lot of treatment options for depression so you don't have to go on feeling this way. Take care and keep us updated with how you're going okay?

 

[b4rd]

Many people develop anxiety/depression from frequent MDMA consumption. If you are consuming it every weekend and it is making you feel that way, it may be wise to take a long break from it. At the very least, roll much less frequently. A lot of people get away with using MDMA weekly for a while but then it often stops providing the desired effects or begins to create various mental health issues.

To anybody feeling suicidal I would recommend therapy to have somebody to speak to about these things. Going to therapy doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you it is just an opportunity to have some guidance and open up in a safe environment. Friends or family can also be a helpful support network if there are people you feel comfortable talking to.

When i was using E constantly, I would get bouts of suicidal thoughts; but only when i was using the E. I would suggest on the nights that your friends go out and roll, to do something else, maybe plan a night at home with another friend who doesnt roll.

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