Suicidal Tendencies with Relation to Breakups

[anterrabae]

Why is that whenever I get dumped, (yesterday evening, after 8 months) I feel suicidal regardless of how well the relationship was going? This currently quashed relationship was going nowhere, the guy had two kids from two different mothers, living with a roommate at 43 and is a mild alcoholic with no ambition.

I knew from the beginning it would go nowhere, I was simply lonely after a half decade long tryst with a very wonderful partner. It was always very superficial, often frustrating and the whole time I knew that I deserved and could have better. Yet I didn't budge.

I was actually planning on leaving him until he kicked me out (in front of his four year old daughter who adores me). Logically, I know it's for the better. Mentally, I want to kill myself, even though a good part of me feels very relieved to have him out of my life. I don't ever want to see or hear from him again, at all, ever.

And yet, I have about 500mgs of oxycodone and around 150mgs of alprazolam at hand, ready to eat and prepare a noose out of my dog's leash to slip into once I pass out to ensure I don't wake up.

 

[Mel22]

These feelings can accompany rejection, but are not healthy.

Whilst you were aware the entire time that this person was not good for you, it is hard to be told that you are no longer wanted. It will be a knock to your self-confidence that an alcoholic with no ambition has told YOU that he no longer wants you.

With that being said, you need to understand that being broken up with is not a reflection of your character in all instances. It sounds like this man chooses to run from anything that becomes difficult or an effort, and these things occur and are required in all relationships - even the great ones. This does not mean that you weren't good enough - it either means that you two were simply not compatible (which you seem to realise was the case) or that he is not able to hold a meaningful relationship (which appears evident through your description of his relationship history).

Flush most of your gear and only allow yourself a harmless amount until you are feeling better. Do your best not to entertain these suicidal thoughts, and try not to let your mind plan out ways to commit suicide - even if they seem hypothetical at the moment, having a specific plan and then getting fucked up can be a recipe for disaster.

Breakups are traumatic, and as you were feeling lonely and entered into this relationship seeking relief from that and viewed it as a way to feel better - you are now faced with the fact that it didn't quite help...it can be difficult.

Take some time to reflect on good things, and try and look to the future. Make a plan - even something small, and focus on doing something productive. Achieving things always makes you feel that little bit better. Work on yourself, and try to alter your self-concept.

Have you considered seeing a psychologist at all? It may be a good idea. Use all the help and resources available to you to get yourself in a better place.

Please feel free to PM if you feel like a chat - all the best. Things will get better if you take the right steps towards it.

 

[TheLostBoys]

First things first.....you said you knew this wouldnt last & you also said, this is the best thing that could have happened. Im confused, why are you depressed aside from the fact that you dont have someone to come home to every night?

Also, thats alot of oxy & xanax. Just take it recreationally & have a good time. Make it a celebration party for one, thats you & enjoy the drugs you have in front of you but know your limits!

Once you start doing some oxy, you will forget about him. Thats when you blast the music & dance. You can even punch the pillow pretending its him.

 

[Mel22]

First things first.....you said you knew this wouldnt last & you also said, this is the best thing that could have happened. Im confused, why are you depressed aside from the fact that you dont have someone to come home to every night?

Well, that's the question that was posed to us on here in her first post.

Just because you know something isn't working, that doesn't mean that when it all ends and you are kicked out that you're going to feel good.

The best thing that could have happened? I don't think so. I would think that realising that she deserved better and then mustering up the strength to leave of her own accord would have been a lot more pleasant and healthy.

If someone is depressed, to go on and point out that they have no real reason to be and then asking them why they are is simply counterproductive IMO. The mind is a complex thing, and I feel that you are over-simplifying the situation...the issues here run deeper than simply being dumped by someone she didn't see a future with.

 

[anterrabae]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I already have a psychiatrist, that's where the Xanax comes from. Hell would freeze over before I would flush something as beautifully wonderful as oxycodone and as helpful and relieving as Xanax. I need the Xanax anyway, as my doc has given me quite the habit, and not having any might cause death for me at a later date.

Mel22, I understand entirely all of what you have said. My suicidal thoughts are not rational whatsoever. I know I can do better and that I am good enough. Fuck, I was too good for him. I'm only 27, I know I've plenty of time to find the one that's right for me, and I'm in no rush. Yet there's a part of my mind nagging me to go ahead and get over with it already. I've had the ideations and plans since I was thirteen, that little nag wants to know when I'm going to just do it finally.

TLB, I have taken a few of what I have and it has been making me feel better. But I'm quickly finding a need to redose, but realizing that it's like a band aid on a brain hemorrhage. This night just won't end. And I'm not depressed, what I'm most upset about is that he has in his custody a necklace from my 80 year old great aunt, that has high sentimental value, of which I will probably never see again. I don't know, it's hard to describe, it's just like I automatically enter suicidal mode.

When I have attempted in the past, it was almost a euphoric relief after all was said and done. Perhaps a serious enough gash will produce the same effect and let me out? I don't know.

Whew, wow, 50mg of oxy is a lot for me. I should have never made this thread, I'm just being an unnecessary bother.

 

[anterrabae]

Well, that's the question that was posed to us on here in her first post.

Just because you know something isn't working, that doesn't mean that when it all ends and you are kicked out that you're going to feel good.

The best thing that could have happened? I don't think so. I would think that realising that she deserved better and then mustering up the strength to leave of her own accord would have been a lot more pleasant and healthy.

If someone is depressed, to go on and point out that they have no real reason to be and then asking them why they are is simply counterproductive IMO. The mind is a complex thing, and I feel that you are over-simplifying the situation...the issues here run deeper than simply being dumped by someone she didn't see a future with.

I think TLB is being helpful. If anything I NEED to over-simplify things, I wish like fuck my mind would let me.

Oh and Mel I can't PM you, you're a Greenlighter.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Well, that's the question that was posed to us on here in her first post.

Just because you know something isn't working, that doesn't mean that when it all ends and you are kicked out that you're going to feel good.

The best thing that could have happened? I don't think so. I would think that realising that she deserved better and then mustering up the strength to leave of her own accord would have been a lot more pleasant and healthy.

If someone is depressed, to go on and point out that they have no real reason to be and then asking them why they are is simply counterproductive IMO. The mind is a complex thing, and I feel that you are over-simplifying the situation...the issues here run deeper than simply being dumped by someone she didn't see a future with.

Dont get excited, this is how I talk, you have your opinions & I have mine.......

 

[TheLostBoys]

I think TLB is being helpful. If anything I NEED to over-simplify things, I wish like fuck my mind would let me.

Haha.....ty girl. As for the necklace, is there any way you can get in that house w/o him knowing that you want the necklace back. Like, go over there to get something you forgot to take along & then sneak in to where its at & snatch it up?

Also, if 50mgs of oxy is alot for you, slow down.......tomorrow is another day & we want to have enough oxy for a few more days, ya know............

Remember, time heals wounds & I know it may take a while, but it really does.

 

[Mel22]

I think TLB is being helpful. If anything I NEED to over-simplify things, I wish like fuck my mind would let me.

Oh and Mel I can't PM you, you're a Greenlighter.

In my experience, over-simplifying things doesn't often help - if you don't deal with the underlying issues, you won't likely feel better for any substantial amount of time.

You know yourself though, so good luck with it all.

Forgot about that Greenlighter thing...I'm sure there are plenty of people on here that are willing to have a chat though

 

[Mel22]

"Dont get excited, this is how I talk, you have your opinions & I have mine......."

Takes a little more than that to get me excited

And of course TLB, you are as free to express your opinion as I...we were both simply doing so.

 

[anterrabae]

Mel22, I know, I'm sorry I do need to attend to my underlyign issues. There are enough torwite a really shitty novel. Thanks for the good luck and stuff, I guses my thread's boring you.

Another 50mg, what the hell? Maybe I'll actually get sleeep before work in three hours.

I want to cut but i've so many scars as it is, and who would date a scarliy scar covered fuck with all those underlying issues to boot.

 

[anterrabae]

Haha.....ty girl. As for the necklace, is there any way you can get in that house w/o him knowing that you want the necklace back. Like, go over there to get something you forgot to take along & then sneak in to where its at & snatch it up?

He showed mer where the spare key to hois place was a few days after we met, the fuckass. But I'm sure it's since beeen relocated and I sure as heell am not going to back in that hole in the ground anyway.

We never really lived toogether, I was just there an awful lot.

 

[panic in paradise]

^
sounds like a good idea,,, staying away for now that is, or rather not sneaking in.!
why feed the trolls? as it where...

Mel22
Takes a little more than that to get me excited

oh?!?
well, pre-tell?

 

[Mel22]

Your thread is not boring me at all - my wishes of good luck were not intended to be dismissive in any way. I'm not one to really post on forums - hence only a handful of posts, and I chose to comment on here as I genuinely feel for you and your situation and wish I could help.

It is sad to see you speak of yourself in such ways as you are in your posts. You seem to be really down on yourself. Have you thought about why you chose to enter into a relationship with a man such as your ex? You tell yourself you deserve better and say you were too good for him, but do you really, truly believe that deep down? I hope you do, but if you don't - it is something that you will benefit greatly from if you do learn to believe it. You are capable of happiness, and you are capable of forming and maintaining a meaningful relationship with a decent person (your last 5 year relationship with a great partner).

I'm happy that you are seeing a psychiatrist. It feels useless a lot of the time (besides when they dole out meds), but it is good that you are actively trying to improve your situation. It is hard, and you may feel like you will never recover. Things can happen in life, and everything just changes for the better. Hold hope that this is what will happen for you, and in the meantime, do all you can to better your situation and your mindset.

Please be careful with that Oxy and with your self-harming...trying to hold back would be the safest bet obviously, especially when feeling like this.

In regards to the necklace - can you organise via SMS with him or something, then have a friend to go past and collect it for you?

 

[anterrabae]

Sorry for maybe seeming snippy, I didn't mean it. I really respect that you feel for my situation, even though it is one that I brought upon myself.

I'm not sure if deep down I FEEL these things. I believe that I KNOW them...make any sense? That's the only way I can really convey how I think about my self worth.

The necklace...it's still possible he may give it back, like leave it out in the mailbox or something. I doubt he'll listen to any of my messages, but I got creative and left a 'LOST NECKLACE' note on his fence, noting it was last seen in a bedroom...whether or not it works or if he's just going to be malicious about it is yet to be seen.

 

[Mel22]

Sorry for maybe seeming snippy, I didn't mean it. I really respect that you feel for my situation, even though it is one that I brought upon myself.

I'm not sure if deep down I FEEL these things. I believe that I KNOW them...make any sense? That's the only way I can really convey how I think about my self worth.

The necklace...it's still possible he may give it back, like leave it out in the mailbox or something. I doubt he'll listen to any of my messages, but I got creative and left a 'LOST NECKLACE' note on his fence, noting it was last seen in a bedroom...whether or not it works or if he's just going to be malicious about it is yet to be seen.

No worries at all. You are blaming yourself too much - it is not your fault that you are feeling the way you are. Sure, we could all make some better decisions in life and we all screw up. We must take a certain amount of responsibility for our lives and what they become, but there is a lot that is out of our control, and is simply bad luck. I think you've had your fair share by the sounds of it.

Due to our issues, we are more inclined to make poor and self-destructive decisions at times. Just work on getting better and doing the right thing by yourself.

Really try to look after yourself please, and I hope all gets better sooner rather than later for you. Stick with it, and speak to friends and family if you can. If you are feeling really low or focusing on suicide a little too much, call someone for a chat. Keep yourself safe.

Fingers crossed about the necklace, hope you get it back. Perhaps instead of notes etc. maybe just give him a phone call and ask directly, politely and maturely for it back? Or if the situation won't allow for that or you can predict it turning sour, maybe have a friend go and knock on the door and ask for it?

 

[anterrabae]

Thank you Mel, for your very kind words, insight and genuine care for my situation. People giving a fuck about someone else is a rarity in this world.

By the way, welcome to BL, you have been a great addition to The Dark Side.

You offered PM'ing before, if it's still of interest and you have the means, my AIM account name is Rain8114. Say hi if you like.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You are way better than he was, I am so sorry that he dumped you in front of his 4 year old daughter. He is obviously immature, and I am so sorry for that poor young girl. She obviously deserves better than that too.

There are an endless source of more human beings though and there are a lot of good people out there. Eventually you will find someone who is simply perfect, despite any flaws they might have, they should be eager to work on themselves and should love you for who you are.

I definitely have had suicidal feelings in the past, I think an unfortunate amount of people can go through brief (or even long) periods in their life when they feel like that. However, you have gotten this far, and are a great person at heart. As you said, thar 4 year old loves you. Children are often a great way to tell how good someone is. If someone is able to have a child trust them and have good rapport, then you have to be a good person.

It can be sad when you have to leave people in life, especially if you still care for them. However, I think you should just re-focus your emotions to caring and love as strongly as you can. Report your ex if he is an alcoholic and isn't taking very good care of his daughter (breaking up in front of her = not good parenting skills whatsoever). Try to do what you can to remember that you are a good person at heart/in your soul, and that there are plenty of other guys out there.

First things first.....you said you knew this wouldnt last & you also said, this is the best thing that could have happened. Im confused, why are you depressed aside from the fact that you dont have someone to come home to every night?

Depression doesn't run off of logic and reason.

..............................

RE: necklace: find a man who is willing and able to go over there with you and demand you get it back.

Obviously choose someone who is younger, more fit, not a drunk, and better looking (probably won't be hard considering how crappy your ex is) - this will be a huge blow to his ego and he will obviously assume you moved on already whereas he obviously has not.

If it's gone, I.e. he pawned it, you can SUE him for it. And I hope you do if you try and cannot get it back.​

 

[Asclepius]

It is demeaning and horrible to be treated like that by someone, kicked out of their house. ...

When who you are is being invalidated by someone else, maybe on several occasions ...you just realise how powerless you are over it all and it can feel soul destroying...but you have your own personal truth and you have to honour that above all else. Even if you wish you could just label yourself a 'failure' and write yourself off because it would make more sense than feeling that rejection- life doesnt aknowledge winners or losers, we create that all on our own. You are hurt and you need to start loving yourself.

It always hurts to be rejected Anterrabae and its even worse when the person who rejects you, you realise you are only with, to stifle the loneliness and fill the void of a long, relationship, where you felt like someone special.

I'd imagine you must have been carrying the world of hurt around with you and now its been triggered, you feel like you are a worthless(which you arent of course in reality) and its all come to to the fore.
This has nothing more to do with that guy of eight months and more to do with what you have been trying to hide from yourself...how lonely and unhappy you have been for a long time, settling with what wasnt what you needed and maybe blaming yourself for the fact that the last relationship didnt work out/feeling any other knock to your esteem from down through the years.

Firstly, you deserve much more than some guy who doesn't suit your needs nor your values.
Secondly, STOP blaming yourself for things hun, you are a human being, there is NOTHING wrong with you, you deserve respect even if you have not been treated with it!!

...only yesterday I was looking at your posts and thinking -'what a cool one this seems!', I even looked at your past posts in here and have seen what lovely things you have said and contributed on here...you know this isnt bull because I 'contacted' you. I would be distraught if you did anything to harm yourself like this and I mean that, even though I dont know you personally.

I really know what this feels like because I get completely overwhelmed alot of the time by my own despair. Not too long ago I was feeling similarly but I feel that way alot and because I do, I know that i am hypersensitive to any real/percieved rejection and loneliness I incur...It's not because I am strong/weak, I just know how overwhelming my emotions can be, they really drive me to a kind of hell sometimes but I hang on because I know the enemy is inside of me and only I can face it and deal with it.
I am not long out of a relationship with someone who I love very much and they are very sick and it is heartbreaking sometimes when I think of the potential of what I lost, what could have been, and all that stuff; even though, I too, knew what I was getting into to some extent and it wasnt all 'wine and roses' so I have to take responsibility for what I chose.

Life is so tormenting sometimes but really there are no 'mistakes' only lessons, we feel like failures because this is how harshly we judge ourselves when we are feeling helpless. If things dont work out we blame ourselves because we lack the understanding it takes to accept ourselves as we really are. Only we can try and restore that equilibrium, through choice, by doing right by who we are. By fighting to accept ourselves in whatever state may occur despite how painful ATT.

If you dont know who you are at the moment and your sense of self is fractured then you have to understand that you need to be even more compassionate to yourself, you need it and deserve it.
I really hope you take the time to consider yourself in your distress, only you can make that decision, and it is a decision because rejecting yourself is the most painful thing of all, you are siding with all the things that have hurt you in your life and you dont deserve that hun, in any conceivable way.

 

[anterrabae]

Wow, such touching replies CH, Asclepius. You both brought tears to my face, it is so very rare in this world to find anyone who truly, genuinely gives half a fuck about you, it really is. Your responses make me feel more loved and cared for than that bastard ever did, not ever.

Asclepius, it is really an honor to have been sought out by you, as you seem a highly intelligent individual with superior intuition and an incredible emotional intelligence.

First thing's first. We talked today and he's passing it all off as an argument, because he didn't give me a chance to explain myself and my actions until this morning. He even had the nerve to ask why I didn't tell him yesterday. Maybe because you kicked me out of your fucking dump of an apartment?

To explain things a little, his eldest daughter, 16, hates me and is suicidally depressed. I met this guy through the girl's mother, she set us up. She remained my friend for about two weeks following, but when I tried to stop her from badmouthing him to me, she called off the friendship and hung up. Didn't talk to her again up until this weekend, because he suggested I call her. Why?

Their daughter recently told me to my face 'I hate you' while passing me by, even though I avoid her like the plague. So his reasoning is that her mother is coaching her to hate me (she abandoned the girl as a toddler for crack, now all of a sudden she wants to play mommy). So he hands me his phone with the mother's number dialed and I leave her a message telling her to get the fuck out of my life.

She calls me back the next day, 'oh, the girl doesn't talk to me either, I never bring you up, I miss you, Bob Loblaw...' Later in the day I see him and he asks if she called me. I just said no 'cause I was tired and didn't want to get into it.

She calls again yesterday, blabs to me for hours, oh I'm 8 months clean of crack (how convenient a number), and complains that he can't take the girl to desperately needed therapy. She would take her but doesn't have money for the copay. I offer to pay only 'cause I've been there, I know how importnat finding the right med is.

So I meet her after my depressing babysitting 'job' at his apartment to drop off the money. She comes right up to me and hugs me 'oh I missed you'. Excuse me? Get the fuck off. So the daughter sees this, hides for a bit, then they go off to therapy.

I see him later that day with the 5 year old who is a sweetheart and for some odd reason adores me. We talk a bit. Go inside. The older daughter tattles. I was fratronizing with the devil. He yells at me that I lied to him about her calling me, shoves me out, barely giving me the chance to grab my laptop and bag.

Today he's asking why I didn't just tell him it was for his daughter? When did I have the chance?

Whew. So apparently he will call me later today about retrieving my things, including the necklace.

I think he just turned it on me because the mother told me that he was still fucking his ex wife when he started seeing me, which in retrospect makes sense because one night three weeks in, the ex wife (mother ofthe 5 year old) storms in the bedroom at 3 AM and slaps him across the face, then oddly introduces herself to me. As his wife. Because she was at that point.8(

So I think he's going to try and smooth things out with me later. I need strength, guys. I'm such a doormat and always have been. *Sigh*, I don't know what he will do. I don't really have any local friends to accompany me either.

I have my benzos, but my heart is still going to break through my rib cage. I suppose to those who have replied, and those who will, send me vibes of strength.

I'm so afraid of being lonely, I don't want to be lonely.