Compulsive gambling on the part of another - need advice.

[Mariposa]

Hi TDS,

Background:

I don't gamble. I see no appeal in gambling. I've done a little in Vegas and Oregon; Vegas was about free drinks as long as I threw a couple nickles in the slot machines and tipped the server. Oregon? Played video poker a couple times and lost about $10 overall with a friend as somewhat of a joke. I'd rather be at work or home than in a place that fosters that type of addiction.

Present:

The person to whom I refer, who is not a BLer, has two kids with his ex-wife (a psychologist), and is rapid-cycling bipolar. When I hang out with him in places where there is gambling (practically everywhere in public), I see how he looks at the gambling machines. It makes me feel like I want to throw up. This man needs to concentrate on his career, his children, and his future; not pee it away on video poker. He tried tapping into his retirement fund so he can gamble. Luckily (oh goodness) he can't at present. I have babysat his kids; they deserve better than this. I care about their well-being as well as his.

He has a college degree, works for a major university, and if one were to meet him, they'd never be able to tell. He doesn't really drink and does use herb and pharmies to treat his AD(H)D and other, more physical, conditions, with which herb does help.

Questions:

1. How does a person in the midst of a complicated and long separation/divorce do this stuff? He said, verbatim, that "gambling is like cocaine". What the flying flip?

2. I know he needs professional help, but he is reluctant to get it. His ex, the psychologist, is a nice woman. He seems to have been burnt by therapy. How do I convince him to get professional help?

3. I'm not afraid to tackle the tough issues, and he knows that. I am not a licensed therapist. I don't want to be a babysitter for a grown professional adult. Yet I am compelled to help him. How can I reconcile this in my own mind?

Conclusion:

I have my own life. I am a professional as well. I have to put aside the fact that I have an enormous heart and an even longer task list. I truly worry about him and his children. I don't want to see this dude gamble his and his childrens' future away.

Miscellaneous:

Does anyone have any advice for me? This is causing me even more distress than my travels are - and I haven't traveled for fun in general. I have extremely severe personal obligations for my family. I became a professional consultant, for lack of a better way to put it, because I love my family so much and nothing can interfere with that. My family and I lead a good life due to our collective efforts. My priorities are in order. I'm finally achieving at least a few of my many goals. I have the best psychiatrist ever watching over me as I deal with my own issues. I have the best friends for whom a person could ever ask. To make a crappy gambling joke (yes, I do have a sense of humor ), I've hit the jackpot with my support system.

I am very much in need of advice. If anyone can provide me a way by which I might help my friend, the bipolar/AD(H)D gambler, quit his addiction and his aversion to seeking professional help, please advise.

Thank you, TDS, for being my "safe place" and this thread is my confessional. I care about all of you as well. I hope for us all to lead happy lives.

Thank you, also, to anyone who has read this far. I'm not known for being concise.

Much love and light.

-Mariposa

 

[TheLostBoys]

Gambling is like a drug, its very addicting.......I use to bet on horse racing every day for 7 solid years. I would take at least $200 with me a day to the track. Thank goodness I would never borrow money to gamble but have seen people there do it. I use to see a brain surgeon come tp the track every afternoon wearing his greens & holding a knot of hundreds in his hand that could choke a horse.

This guy would lose $2,000 to $5,000 a day. Gambling can become a sickness. I quit cold turkey w/o anyones help. I just got sick & tired of it one day & quit, of course it didnt help that I won $12,000 in one race & gave back $8,000 in the next 2 weeks.

Anyway, your friend will have to realize that gambling isnt the answer to whatever hes chasing. Its gonna be tough for him to quit but let him know how you feel.

 

[Mariposa]

Gambling is like a drug, its very addicting.......I use to bet on horse racing every day for 7 solid years. I would take at least $200 with me a day to the track. Thank goodness I would never borrow money to gamble but have seen people there do it. I use to see a brain surgeon come tp the track every afternoon wearing his greens & holding a knot of hundreds in his hand that could choke a horse.

This guy would lose $2,000 to $5,000 a day. Gambling can become a sickness. I quit cold turkey w/o anyones help. I just got sick & tired of it one day & quit, of course it didnt help that I won $12,000 in one race & gave back $8,000 in the next 2 weeks.

Anyway, your friend will have to realize that gambling isnt the answer to whatever hes chasing. Its gonna be tough for him to quit but let him know how you feel.

Thanks for your response... my continued best in keeping that turkey cold. I bet on the ponies a couple times when I was in college; forgot that. It was a social situation and I think I lost about $5. I think cold turkey is the best way to go with regards to gambling.

The culture of gambling where he lives and having several bars offering video poker, etc. in his neighborhood, is astonishing. He can literally walk to the corner bar, grab a soda or beer, and gamble.

I have a rough idea of what he is chasing. He is bored with his job and needs structure on his own terms. His job would bore the crap out of anyone.

I'd like for him most of all to come around to the idea of seeking professional help. He has a psychiatrist for medication management. I think he'd thrive with the right psychologist/counselor. I can only be his friend and part of his support system - which is, regrettably, limited.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Thanks for your response... my continued best in keeping that turkey cold. I bet on the ponies a couple times when I was in college; forgot that. It was a social situation and I think I lost about $5. I think cold turkey is the best way to go with regards to gambling.

The culture of gambling where he lives and having several bars offering video poker, etc. in his neighborhood, is astonishing. He can literally walk to the corner bar, grab a soda or beer, and gamble.

I have a rough idea of what he is chasing. He is bored with his job and needs structure on his own terms. His job would bore the crap out of anyone.

I'd like for him most of all to come around to the idea of seeking professional help. He has a psychiatrist for medication management. I think he'd thrive with the right psychologist/counselor. I can only be his friend and part of his support system - which is, regrettably, limited.

Boredom is the main reason my cousin started betting on horses. I know quite a few people that have successful businesses & have their wives run the business while they are at the track blowing the days profits, its a crazy way to live. Most of these guys would have been millionaires by the age of 50 if it wasnt for their gambling & then the kids going to college doesnt help matters.

Your friend will have to find a new hobby to occupy his boredom. It certainly doesnt help that there are poker machines everywhere he turns. Thats gotta be as bad as a heroin addict trying to quit & everywhere he goes there is a dealer waiting in the midst.

Like you've stated, he will need a support system if he cant quit cold turkey. Only way I quit cold turkey was I just got disgusted by the whole thing, physically & mentally & just said enough is enough. Ive had friends try & use gamblers anonymous but none have had any success with it. Imo, you gotta want to quit yourself no matter what anyone else tries to do for you.

 

[Asclepius]

Firstly, you can not claim responsibility over someone's addiction.
It is really honourable of you to post here and be concerned about this person's kid's welfare and obviously you care for this person too, so it must be a trying endevour; for you to be dealing with this.

You can not 'stop' this person, bi-polar or no, they have to claim responsibility for their addiction.
Being a bulimic and the fact that we share many correlations, bio-chemically, with Gamblers, apparently, I'd guess this person is using gambling as an outlet to control his/her anger desire to control their personal issues(may be obvious to you but trying to decipher an addiction, on face value, can be a method for the addict to manipulate you(conciously or not) so please be careful of yourself and dont buy into 'solving' it).

There are GA meetings available in most areas/countries but this person has to take it upon themselves to want to try it out, or else they may say 'yes' merely to appease you.
Has this person admitted that they have a problem to you/anyone(honestly,wholeheartedly-without 'glamorizing' it), or are they unaware of the real, serious problems being caused by their gambling?
Are they taking meds/seeking help for thier Bi-Polar?

Lastly, glad you are looking after your own mental/health and this may have helped your awareness of others issues, however after initial concern and looking for aid for your friend, it's best to let them deal with thier own lives and the problems that arise from that(albeit with positive support if they are willing). Being too involved detracts from yourself and leads to even more convoluted drama for both of you. So suggestions made are wise but there is nothing else you can do; if the person involved is not willing to participate in thier own recovery as themselves IMO.

Its difficult seeing someone collapse into a harsh reality, by thier own violition but that is only something that they can untangle themselves, with objective and self-administered support.
Encouragement is always good but isn't a solution, so be realistic about your actions.
Thats the only advice I can think of that may help.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I went with a friend to a few GA meetings once and found them to be the most intrusive of any 12 step meeting I ever attended. They ask for your phone # in a sign up sheet before the meeting even begin, at least in my region.

Is friends bipolar well managed? I'm not saying controlling bipolar is the total answer to a gambling problem, however I know more than a few bipolars who only get out of control on gambling while manic or hypomanic and otherwise tend to be take it or leave it about gambling.

I'll fall back on my old transactional analysis principle that everything we do is done, at least in part to pass the time. Gambling eats up a good deal of time with the gambler feeling engaged. A different structuring of a persons time including activities where one feels engaged can be important.

Some people will not give up addictive behaviors until they really get burned. Some continue even after. The most we can ever be about another persons problem is a facilitator. A helper needs to have some emotional distance when they can attain it. Sometimes the best thing is to cut a person off from yourself either for your wellbeing or because nothing one can do will really help at this time. Sometimes also we cut people off from experiencing the consequences of their actions which doesn't help. An outsider on the web isn't going to be able to advise as to when cutting people off is warranted though.

If he is really ready a means of getting past this will be found I'm betting. How ready doyou think he is to move past this or minimize his involvement with gambling?

 

[Mariposa]

@ both Enki and Asclepius -

Not sure how well his bipolar is actually being managed. He sees his doc regularly, but refuses talk-type therapy (suppose his previous marriage to a clinical psychologist burned him).

He is trying to taper (and has received what I consider a very rapid schedule) from lithium. He was on 2.4 grams per day; not sure what he is down to now. He has told me he has had some manic episodes in the past week and that they correlated with his gambling. I am not a doctor; I do think the taper schedule is a bit rapid. He has trouble remembering to take his meds as directed.

I'm trying to instill in him the values of being financially solvent. I am not willing to babysit a grown man, as I have stated before, and I know that when a person is in the midst of an active addiction that they can/will be sneaky.

When I'm finished with my travels, I'll invite him on a hike or another fun adventure that involves no gambling or drugs. He will not gamble in front of me or his children. Thankfully, he has his kids for the weekend and I recommended they all build some sandwiches and go to the park for a nice picnic.

It's hard to assess whether he will give it up for good. I hope he does. Enki, regarding TA - yeah, there's something to be said for it; would need to reup my knowledge on the matter, which is very limited. 6+ months of NLP were quite enough. :D

I do indeed have my own issues, which are being medically managed by my awesome psychiatrist and me.

As someone once said, you can't beat the house. I hope he realizes that before he runs his priorities into the ground. I have a very strong sense of responsibility where children are concerned - he also really thrives as a parent. His eyes light up when he is parenting his sons. It's quite nice to see, as I have none of my own nor plan any anytime soon. I hope he realizes that his sons deserve a bright future. He won't be able to provide for theirs until he can provide his own.

 

[captainballs]

I'll offer what little experience I have with compulsive gambling - it ruined me financially over the course of a year after I got addicted to the feeling of watching $500 turn into $2000 or more on a routine basis. I built my whole life, from the country i was living in to the apartment with the sauna in the bathroom, to the clubs that imported DJ's every night, to the top end electronics and semi-professional music studio I set up. next thing I knew, I was down to my last $7,000 and I started getting manic. Then it was $3,000, and then it was nothing. I'm still recovering, because it ruined my life in more ways than one. I haven't touched an options trading platform since 2008, but the temptation is always there. But never forget the pain - there's no worse pain than watching good money go bad, when it could have supported so much more than a habit made of greed.

 

[theartofwar]

^ Mania and gambling go hand in hand for me also. Mari - in midst of any bipolar mania spending money as you and I have talked of almost always seem like a smart idea. Buying absurd things on ebay or whatever the case may be. Gambling is a huge outlet for a rush - I can imagine how frustrating it is for you but it is simply his drug of choice - it hits his pleasure center like dope did for me. Hang in there lady

 

[TheLostBoys]

As someone once said, you can't beat the house. I hope he realizes that before he runs his priorities into the ground. I have a very strong sense of responsibility where children are concerned - he also really thrives as a parent. His eyes light up when he is parenting his sons. It's quite nice to see, as I have none of my own nor plan any anytime soon. I hope he realizes that his sons deserve a bright future. He won't be able to provide for theirs until he can provide his own.

I know several gamblers & have known them for over 20 years, ever since I was 10 years old & it seems they have all been great parents to their children. Its crazy how it worked out. For some reason, gamblers can be great parents no matter what but heavy drug users can be bad parents most of the time.