I feel lonely

[more]

But I'm not, see. Just depression or something, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I should feel miserable right now but I can't. I used to have emotions and feelings, but my mom would abuse me emotionally and my dad detests crying. I don't want to blame them because I know they did their best, but I just wanted you all to know, if that's okay. So, sometimes all I feel is this pressure in my chest, instead of feeling sadness or whatever the moment calls for. I realize this isn't good, and I'm trying to fix it. But, it's really hard since I can't express myself and feel like I'm a burden to everyone and everything I say is a train wreck. I know it's not really, but it just feels that way. I don't know.

I don't fucking know anymore. I'm so tired of this. I feel like no one will ever want to understand, even though I'm probably not so different. I feel like I've just abused everyone's support and friendship and deserve this shit. I've never been this blunt and honest before, so I hope you'll forgive me. I'm sorry for putting the burden on you to read this and reply, I'm so fucking sorry. I just want some fucking advice. I've tried so hard to tell other's what's going on, but it's always misunderstood or I get cut off. Then I forget. My head feel so groggy, I can't think, I can't remember worth shit. I want to die. I don't really feel like, and I promised myself I wouldn't, and I realize it's not ethical and will only hurt the ones who care about me, but fuck, I'm really tired. I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. I'm tired of speaking and no one listening. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of lying and hurting everyone. I bet it'd be better if I was dead. Sure, it'd hurt them at first, but then they'd get over it and see what better lives they can live without me.

I'm sorry, this is just stupid, I'm not going to kill myself. I shouldn't, but then, I really fucking should. I don't know. I'm just lost and confused I guess and nobody notices as usual. Poor fucking me. I wish I wasn't this selfish. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was someone else.

 

[shahab6]

most likely your still depress from the experience you had from before, maybe you should go on a vacation for a few days…

 

[TheLostBoys]

There are very few people in the world I really feel sorry for because of how they are. Its usally handicapped kids & so on. People like us that can have the world by the balls if we put our mind & some effort onto it, I feel no sympathy for.

As for you feeling lonely, you might feel it now & for ever how long but we are not alone in this dark but beautiful planet we call come. If you kill yourself, who really won? No one but the undertaker for hes about to make money on you funeral.

Once your dead, there will be people that will be sad & others that will say good riddance. The only person you have to answer to is yourself, the only person you gotta make happy is yourself. Do you really think these people wanna hear about your problems, NO! Some people are nice & will but those are very far & few between. Just get up in the morning & look in the mirror & tell yourself its gonna be a glorious day, fuck the naysayers!

Take one day at a time & dont worry what others think about you because in the end, you are the one that has to stand up for what you did or said. Depression is a form of expression that is hard to express but easily seen by others. Try not to show your depression because there are assholes that thrive off of others miseries. Let everyone know its all gonna be okay with a smile. Smiling is very contagious......

 

[zooms]

There are very few people in the world I really feel sorry for because of how they are. Its usally handicapped kids & so on. People like us that can have the world by the balls if we put our mind & some effort onto it, I feel no sympathy for.

I'll take being handicapped over having Schizophrenia any day.

 

[TheLostBoys]

I'll take being handicapped over having Schizophrenia any day.

Schizophrenia is a chemical imbalance & could be considered a handicap until a cure if provided. Schizo can also be brought on by heavy drug use, so you have control of what you wanna put into your body. A kid born parapeligic & so on has an excuse, thats my point.

Lets get one things straight. Im not a guy that gonna bring judgement upon anyone but I am responding to the OP's statement as well as I can.

 

[Dave]

more: There's a lot that I could address in your post, having been (and occasionally still slide into) a situation like yours. The thing that really jumped out at me was that you said that "[you] deserve this."

Nobody deserves that.

It really sounds to me like you had a rough upbringing, and while you're making the best of it, I really think that you would benefit from having some professional help. Not someone to pour drugs down your throat, but rather someone who is sensitive and well-trained in the skills needed to identify the root causes of your problems as well as having an array of tools to help you overcome them. I don't know where you're located, but I'm sure that there are psychologist networks out there where you can find someone appropriate to work with you to heal your old wounds.

And if I may offer a bit of small advice: quit apologizing so much. What have you done that requires such subjugation? You've asked for help and advice on a forum whose mandate is specifically to support those going through difficult times-- you've done nothing wrong.



TheLostBoys: This is a bit off-topic, but schizophrenia isn't brought on by heavy drug use, but a latent disorder can be triggered by such use. Also, those with risk factors for schizophrenia (and other such illnesses) tend to seek out drugs in general, either as masking agents or self-medication. Correlation does not imply causation; mental illnesses are incredibly complex, particularly the (usually, mostly) biologically-based ones.

Zooms: schizophrenia is a handicap. A severe one, made worse by the social stigma attached to it.

 

[itsok]

more, I have been having similar feelings after quitting opiates. There are times (several times everyday) when I wish I weren't alive and then, I am too scared and do care about my family to actually end my life. I also think of all the times I should have died and I lived, so I feel like I have to just live through this. Even though one shouldn't live life comparing oneself to others, I do realize that I have a lot to be grateful for and things could be much worse.

Even though I have been severely depressed, I still continued taking my antidepressants and I actually think things are getting better, even though slowly.

Are you or can you see a psychiatrist and therapist?

I think that it is good of you to reach out to ppl, like posting on this board, and you can always PM me to chat too.

Do you do activities and/or socialize? Bc I know that when I am depressed, I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone, but activities and socializing are what help me feel better. Even though I am lonely, I force myself to walk or clean something or research something or reach out to someone. I didn't the first few weeks of my severe depression, but then, it got so unbearable, I had to do something. I couldn't just rot in my bed, feeling sorry for myself and keeping it a secret from everyone I knew by ignoring everyone and not reaching out.

Even reading a book, running a silly errand just to get out of the house, doing art or gardening, walking, biking, watching a movie, going to a yoga class, or cooking food helps me pass the time with less pain.

What are your interests? For a long time I lost all of my interests, but they are coming back slowly...

Do you have a drug history? Just wondering if this may be drug related like mine is.

 

[Deleted member 80237]

I feel like no one will ever want to understand

i would like to. if you want me to.

i have felt a lot like you do now most of my life; before using, while using, after using.

pm me if you feel so inclined.

 

[laCster]

you should never hold back your "bad" emotions because you do not have the accuracy to do so; by shutting out the negative emotions you will also be pushing away the happy ones. do yourself a favor and cry. cry because you are living. cry because you have internet. cry because you have food and parents who care about you. cry because you were made fun of in school. cry because you feel like you are worth shit. cry because in this very moment, you are breathing; alive and moving...

 

[nuttynutskin]

Hey, I don't know you and you don't know me but feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.

 

[laugh]

much love more

 

[Asclepius]

Hey more!

I think Dave, Itsok gave really wise advice there.^




Thanks for being so honest in your post. It's not easy being so candid about feeling so vulnerable, takes alot of guts. Seems like you feel completely stuck ATM. I remember having that pain in my stomach and it was just like a nagging lump of hurt-it is heart-wrenchingly awful.



Seems like you have alot of conflicting feelings going on and like you said, your in a position where your damned if you do and your damned if you don't!
Having a third party on your side could really help take some of the pressure off you. I know myself from being in a seemingly 'functional', dysfunctional Family the issues can be very wooly and diffuse and it can turn into a big ego-trip battle of wills where no-one gets themselves heard or respected the way they need and a giant shit storm of blame and ego-bashing ensues. It's a really stiffling and soul-destroying position to be in.

Whatever you've done, you dont deserve to be cruxified or cruxify yourself for it, for that matter. Just fake it with your Family and play nice for the time being(I know its hard but just to tide things over keep your head down and avoid drama as much as possible) while you concentrate on seeing someone who you can talk to and who will listen and understand you objectively... as a third-party.
Could you arrange that, would your Mother go with that or would you have to organise it yourself or?
Sounds like you and your family are all so stuck up inside each others issues that no one can seperate themselves from it at the moment. You really shouldnt be dealing with all this alone hun, you cant possibly- more importantly its not all your problem to deal with. Please take care and PM me if you want to.