What have I done to myself? (Benzos and Painkillers)

[fixedatzero]

So this is kind of my storyline

Feb 2009 - Dropped out of college due to social/general anxiety, panic attack problems.

May 2009 - Went to psychiatrist, was prescribed Ativan (as needed) but didn't realize the dangers. Wasn't told they were addicting. (Also switching from Zoloft to Lexapro)

July 2009 - By July 2009, I was taking them like candy, running out, and cold turkey withdrawing (hell) and not realizing it. Switched to Klonopin up to 4mg a day.

August 2009 - Started to educate himself about benzodiazepines. Started to become hopeless and afraid of what I got myself into. Started taking hydrocodone because the benzos honestly stopped working. Was depressed, didn't know what to do with myself. Also switched from Lexapro to Pristiq.

September 2009 - Stopped taking vikes. Got a job.

Jan 2010 - Was taking 8mg of Klonopin for about a month. Doctor was okay with it. I decided I needed to help myself. I decided to start slow tapering.

Feb 2010 - Initiated a schedule to cut. I was ready to do this. I wanted off these drugs. I also got myself into a relationship with someone.

May 2010 - After the agonizing w/d symptoms, difficulties at work, and relationship problems- I gave in and took a 7.5mg vike.

June 2010 - Ended my relationship. Was taking vikes every now and then.

July 2010 - 22nd birthday, I started taking vikes everyday. I even was stupid enough to increase my Klonopin dosage. As long as I was high, I didn't care.

So until November 2011, I was wasting my paychecks on Vicodin 10mgs, sometimes taking up to 40mg a day at this point. This got me through work. I was also back up to 6mg of Klonopin. Sometimes oxys now.

December 2011 - Now up to 90mg of vikes a day. 30mg of Oxycodone.

January 2011 - Reality check. Poor. Left job on leave of absence. Stopped vicodin c/t (somewhere I missed up there that I have tried doing c/t before failing pretty quick, I was very naive then)

February 2011 - So depressed even after the initial at home detox, doctor switched me to Cymbalta. Now this drug caused HELL for me for some reason. Absolute HELL. Was clean, looking for rehab with the support of my family. Even after a month later, the anxiety and depression was killing me inside. Rehab centers wouldn't really accept me because of my high Klonopin dosage. They wanted to rapid detox me- every nearby facility. I couldn't taper on my own (because I wanted to get off that too). I was also taken off Cymbalta and put back on a lower dosage of Pristiq.

March 2011 - Family didn't know what to do at this point. I was not liking the idea of rehab or NA. My family heard from many facilities that 6mg of Kpin was what was making me so depressed. I didn't know what to believe. So I started a quicker taper this time. I also relapsed this month, this time with Opana but hoping to only take the edge off of withdrawal (being stupid again). At first it started out small. Snorting 10 mg maybe twice a day. This lasted maybe 14 days. I started fearing for my life and stopped. I don't remember the withdrawal being TOO bad but sure enough, the PAWS came along.

*Towards the end of March I was also prescribed Seroquel in addition to my lower dosage of Pristiq but I only took the samples and never got it filled due to the bad stories.

April 2011- Didn't want to deal with PAWS anymore, the whole month of April, I made my way down to 3mg however I snorted Opana every day. Sometimes up to 90mg spread out. Ran out of Opana towards the end of April.

This is actually my third day clean and I'm going insane. I am going insane. I'm detoxing at home because I'm so fucking afraid that I'm a full blown addict now. I tell myself no, I'm not an addict because I've had two close encounters with OD'ing, I've read stories about institutions, jail and death, and I could never do this again. In fact, I could never get my hands on Opana again. I don't even want to try. But I'm so afraid that the cravings are going to ruin my life. The PAWS is going to ruin my life. The benzo withdrawal is going to ruin my life. I cry almost every moment because I'm living in darkness and I feel diseased- everyone tells me that I need rehab or NA. I don't want that kind of lifestyle, I want to fight this and never look back. My family supports me but I feel so alone when they're not here with me. I've become a socialphobic in a matter of days. I don't have much to say to anyone. I feel doomed. Living in a nightmare. The cravings scare me but I need to know they go away. I'm afraid to go on the internet sometimes. Everything is so black and white. I'm losing my mind. The anxiety right now- jesus christ. I'm in total fear. Tomorrow is day 4 and I'm praying (as an atheist) that it subsides but I doubt it. I don't care about the psychical aspects. I need some good news...this hurts way too fucking much. I can't smoke a cigarette anymore. I just saw my brother, sister and some of my friends get in the car to go to a comedy club and you know if I had snorted some Opana, I'd be going. In fact, I had a ticket to go. But I sat there hysterically crying. I want people back in my life but I don't want to leave my family. That's why rehab scares me. Not even for a day! I'd panic. They're everything to me. I'm done with this. Benzos, painkillers, I want my life back. I have no desire to use even though I'm in hell right now.

 

[damagedun]

You may not have the desire to use right now, but us addicts will have mental obsessions out of nowhere and it's extremely hard not to when that happens.

It sounds like you don't want to do aa/na/ca/ha but from my own experience, that was my only option. Can I ask why you don't want to go that route?

Since I've been going to cocaine anon and heroin anon and gained faith in a higher power, my life has changed 100% for the better.

For withdrawals, the opiates will pass in a few days, for benzos you may want to check out Heather Ashtons manual http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/ - it's a safe way to withdraw and it's pretty comfortable.

Keep praying and when you want to use call someone sober and just be honest and talk about it, trust me things will get better. I was a heroin / benzo addict for 8 years and my life is amazing today with no mind altering substances, we all can recover.

 

[fixedatzero]

You may not have the desire to use right now, but us addicts will have mental obsessions out of nowhere and it's extremely hard not to when that happens.

It sounds like you don't want to do aa/na/ca/ha but from my own experience, that was my only option. Can I ask why you don't want to go that route?

Since I've been going to cocaine anon and heroin anon and gained faith in a higher power, my life has changed 100% for the better.

For withdrawals, the opiates will pass in a few days, for benzos you may want to check out Heather Ashtons manual http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/ - it's a safe way to withdraw and it's pretty comfortable.

Keep praying and when you want to use call someone sober and just be honest and talk about it, trust me things will get better. I was a heroin / benzo addict for 8 years and my life is amazing today with no mind altering substances, we all can recover.

Thanks for the reply.

I feel like addict is a label and it's very subjective. Yeah, I may want to use again, especially right now. All I think about is incredible family > institutions, jail, death when I see a prescribed pill bottle or anything that may trigger this.

The NA route for me is scary, I am an atheist and I know many atheists do use this. I don't feel like a junkie. When those cravings kick in, I will absolutely talk to someone close. I don't get things off the street. I don't have enough energy to doctor shop. My only method of getting opiates has been cut off completely. I'll tell you this much, I'm really happy for you and glad your story ends like that but I don't plan on 8 years of this. At all. In fact, this was a mistake. I went from a 4.0 GPA college student who had social anxiety problems and depression to this just because I wanted help. While I don't feel it's a so-called blame game, I do partially hold my psychiatrist accountable for this. I've been studying benzos ever since August and all that I've learned from the Ashton manual, he hasn't a clue. He thinks I could have tapered 6mg of Kpin in a matter of weeks. He wanted to prescribe me 10mg at one point. I don't know why NA scares me, partially because I don't want to be part of that 'scene', I feel this is just a point in my life where I have to struggle to get back up and really give a fuck. Another reason is social anxiety. It's a whole process you really have to dedicate your life to when there are alternative options like therapy (when I'm ready) or just getting on with life -fighting, and hurting. And I feel if I can make it through this, I can conquer anything.

I almost want to tattoo myself just so I can remember how much of a struggle all of this was and I really wasn't in TOO deep with drugs. I had complications but I want to fix them.

I can't predict the future, the cravings could be so bad I may be forced to go to NA. The cravings could be severe, manageable. The cravings- I truly want to believe will dissipate. I read so much stuff online about how they won't go away, once an addict always an addict. I don't believe that. I believe I took the wrong road and I'm going to find my way through the support and love of my family and through building myself back, letting my brain reshape itself and finding real life.

I read on another board some people saying things like "acceptance is key when taking opiates, you have the right to be happy in this fucked up world" and many other things like that. The world is pretty fucked up. I don't think I'll ever wake up saying WOW, life is so perfect! I believe I can start to accept things.

I'll also mention that all my life I've been a quitter and weak. Quitting college was the worst mistake I've ever made but people fuck up. There are ways out. I feel a bit more optimistic getting all this out even though this is only one day. In another two weeks, I could put a hole in the wall and lose it. I guess focusing on the big picture isn't a great idea. I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to be 23 in July and July is actually when they want me to return to work. Who knows... right now I just need to be around the people I love until I feel independent again.

 

[J. G. Wentworth]

Like anything in life, to succeed you need the knowledge and the tools and the humility to ask for help. Asking for help does not mean you are weak. You are just in over your head.

NA, AA. etc. Do not get hung up on the atheist thing. That is why they call it a higher power. "the group" is more powerful than you. Let their love and care be your higher power. There are things/people that are more powerful than yourself.

You can have all the will power in the world, but without the education and "tools" that rehab and various programs have to offer, you lessen your chances of success. Most addicts have low self esteem and poor coping skills coupled with a genetic predisposition for addiction. Experience is a great teacher and the folks at rehab and AA/NA have experience. Draw from it. Check your ego at the door and let the folks who have walked the path of sobriety helpshare their experience with you.

Do not get caught up in the differences between you and them. Focus on the similarities.

Who am I?

I was you 25 years ago. Was sober for 23 years. Got cancer and smoked pot while on chemo for a year. That was my excuse to "use" again. Cancer gone, chemo done. I continued smoking pot for another year up until last week. I have disc problems in my back and rely on pain killers. My wife died and I needed benzos to deal with the panic attacks.

I got problems. Moderation and I always take awhile to come together. You can do it and there is no shame is admitting you cannot do it alone. If I got a plumbing problem, I call a plumber. If I got car problems, I call a mechanic. When I realized I needed to stop smoking pot all day every day, I got honest with with a few close friends, a couple of them in the program.

Here's the rub. There is no pill to fix it and there is no immediate gratification like there is with the drugs. It truly is a one day at a time thing. Sometimes, just one hour at a time. Sober friends is how I made it before and how I am doing it again.

Cravings can and do go away. If you want a drug free life, then you have to learn from those that are drug free. If I wanted to learn to play basketball, I would seek out people who can actually "play ball". Experience is what is in those meeting rooms; people who understand and you can lean on and teach you to live life on life's terms.

Last tip: There are some sick groups and healthy groups. Try several different groups until you find people who have what you want: Happiness in sobriety.

 

[3dmusic]

Don't stop benzos suddenly, you could seizure and the w/d from sudden stoppage can be fatal.
I don't mean to scare you, but its important I say this.

 

[Z Y G G Y]

humility to ask for help

Do not get caught up in the differences between you and them

Words of gold

I get the feeling that you think you are different than us, those other addicts, who got addicted. For some reason you can't accept the fact that you did get addicted just like all those other people that did. Physically and mentally addicted.

Think of this as a disease. For some reason you got caught up on the fact this is a moral failing on your part and why not, that's what society has been hammering into your head. Addicts are scum. You don't think you are scum therefore you are can't accept the fact you are an addict. But you got addicted. The logic doesn't make sense to you and it shouldn't. So how does it work? Addicts are people, good people most of the time. Just like all people. Getting addicted to a substance does not mean you are worthless junkie scumbag. It means you were not happy with your life. You took a substance that changed things for the better and got caught up in a trap. It made your life better at first and now it makes it hell. How does does make you a bad person? It doesn't. And the type of addiction you are going through is right now the most common type in this country. Not anymore the heroin addict that is stealing to get his fix and would sell his children for a bag.

Being physically dependent on a substance and getting cravings is difficult stuff. If you continue thinking of this as a moral failing on your part and not as a disease you will have a few more years before you do end up in rehab and counseling. You have to be at the point where your life is so important to you that you don't care about anything but getting better.

Why is rehab so bad? Like I said, being an addict does not mean you are a bad person, it just means cravings and physical dependency and rehab is there to make it better.

If you can get your family to help out and get you into a 3 month place then your chances of recovery are so much better than if you choose to do it alone. Your chances of success alone are slim at best. This is crucial. Go to a rehab for 3 months and once you get out I can almost guarantee you will be back here thanking people and applying back to school. Because in rehab you will be surrounded by people like you trying to get better. You will have your day planned, get daily exercise, daily therapy, daily psychologist and psychiatrist. Counselors any time you need to talk on top of the tons of people just like you who you can talk to. It will make PAWS and w/d a million times better. You will be able to do it. It is the easy way out. If you wanted to become a doctor and you knew a way to get accepted into med school very easily, much easier than it normally is, while still ending up with the knowledge and skill to be a great doctor, would you do it? Sure you would, it would be stupid not to. Rehab is not for the weak. It's for those who got the resources to do it cuz its not cheap and those that want to succeed.

Just do it. Ask your family to get the resources and if they want you better they will. Insurance might cover a part.

Don't worry about the addict label, worry about how you'll be in 5 years.

I'll tell you this much, I'm really happy for you and glad your story ends like that but I don't plan on 8 years of this.

To me this statement sounds really condescending. Like you feel you are better than this person. If you don't start accepting reality you might face a lifetime of addiction. 8 years is not long. Some people suffer much longer, some less. With the attitude you got now, you will probably suffer a few more years.

HUMILITY

Like you said "oh thanks for the reply" but I am totally not like you. I think accepting that you are not different than other people who got addicted to a substance is the first part at getting better. You are not there yet, but hopefully one day you will.

 

[J. G. Wentworth]

When I went to rehab at 19, I was relieved to find out I was not crazy; just simply sick with a disease of the mind and an allergy of the body.

Whether or not you believe in the disease model of addiction, support helps.

I could not recently stop smoking pot until I ran out. Knowing what I know now and having the behavioral tools to use helped. It also helps that I am 44 now and not 19. My thinking and perceptions are different than what they were at 19.

Good luck to anyone who needs to quit or just stop for awhile.

FYI: Sex potentiates sobriety! :D

 

[Z Y G G Y]

^so true. One of the things that increase endorphins, along with exercising, laughing.

I hope people understand that having an addiction is not a moral failing. It doesn't make them a bad person. Understanding this fact will make getting help easier.

When you think you are better than all the people in rehab and rehab is for scum and bad people then you will have a hard time going. And IMO rehab is one of the best things for someone addicted to substances. It makes you not alone. You have to understand that the people in rehab are just like you.

All that matters is having a good life. Whatever way it takes you to get there.

I think by trying to bring this guy down to Earth about his reality, I scared him away. But I think he needs to know that he is no different than anyone else that gets addicted. We all think that we took the wrong turn. That we shouldn't be where we are. We are all the same.

 

[gm777]

Posted by 3dmusic I don't mean to scare you, but its important I say th»s. Don't stop benzos suddenly, you could seizure and the w/d from sudden stoppage can be fatal.

This is definately true. I had 3 seizures in 2 weeks time attempting to kick cold turkey off a massive opiate and benzo addiction. That's 3 humiliating ambulance rides to the ER. The first 2 times I woke up in the ER and had no idea what happened. Chewed my tongue into a bloody and raw swollen mess, arms and kneecaps covered in blood. All 3 times it happened with no warning and at least 5-6 days into my detox. And it happened both times in the street in front of my house. So the neighbors got some entertainment at least. Pretty bad I know....

Going through those 2 withdrawals at the same time is absolute fuckin hell, I know. Those benzos are an evil bitch to overcome. I had no idea of the dangers of benzo withdrawal at the time. Those wirhdrawals seemed like they weren ripping me apart from the inside out. Not a moments peace. Downright hellish experience. It took me what seemed like eternity to be normal again. It was almost a year. I've even gone back to on opiates then withdrals too many times to count but I'll never abuse benzos again. Too hard on the mind and body.

Tried the rehab NA thing and it wasn't for me. Too much time involved with all the meetings. Plus my subutex doc was a filthy piece of garbage who turned my stomach. Eventually I told him to get fucked. He then called my PM doc and told him I was a drug addict. They fefused to treat me even with no narcotics. Then it was game time, which was fine with me. By then I had stockpiled enough valliums to safefully taper on my own.

NA was no good for me, but maybe for someone else though. Depending on your size of benzo habit,you might wanna let a doc walk with you on that one. But only you can weigh the health risks and the dangers.

Much success

gm777

 

[Cyc]

ll 3 times it happened with no warning and at least 5-6 days into my detox. And it happened both times in the street in front of my house. So the neighbors got some entertainment at least. Pretty bad I know....

So by your 2nd seizure, the doctors at the hospital didn't think to admit you to in-patient treatment for detox/taper? They just kept releasing you?

Wow, talk about failing at medicine. They should go rewrite the MCAT. Fucking idiots.

 

[gm777]

So by your 2nd seizure, the doctors at the hospital didn't think to admit you to in-patient treatment for detox/taper? They just kept releasing you?

Wow, talk about failing at medicine. They should go rewrite the MCAT. Fucking idiots.

I haven't been to a doctor since then, for anything and this was almost 8 years ago. But yes that's correct, they released me that day every time. And they took blood and saw the ridiculously high levels of opiates and benzos and trace levels of cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamine.

I was obviously trying anything for escape and relief by that 3rd one. I just didn't give a fuck anymore. The worst part of the whole hospital experience was the 3rd time when my whole family was in there just staring at me layin there all pale, skinny, and depleted. Had about 2 months of beard growth(usually tan and clean shaven), and they don't see me often. Plus my wife and little boy were there. My Mom was crying. It was just the way they were lookin at me. Humilating experience to say the least. I was done. No more fuckin around with rehab docs and relying on them for anything.


Shortly after that I was finally hit with the layoffs that were still goin on after four years straight. I had plenty of time in my hands to kill. So I just locked myself in my house and went through it with my family. My wife would run for my OTC relief and I just laid in bed watching the walls breathe.

 

[J. G. Wentworth]

^ Thats a helluva bottom to hit. Thank you for posting that.

 

[gm777]

Your welcome, no prolem. Actually felt pretty good. Haven't ever told a soul about how massive of an addiction that I had created.

 

[Bojangles69]

Yah thats pretty intense dude. And I hear you about being in wds and having no desire to use. I find I'm the same way. When you can feel what the drugs have actually done to you it has a knack of making you hate the drugs in the moment.

I still always try to taper off drugs/meds regardless though. Cold turkeying off anything isn't fun and you could have brought your doses down much lower imo before jumping off. But if your mind is set to do this thats all that matters! Good luck!!!

 

[Z Y G G Y]

Agree. People often say that if you want to change you have to do it for yourself. I find that untrue. When you see how your behavior effects others, that is the biggest catalyst for change I've ever had. Me, I don't care as much, I can mostly compromise and change. But my family and what they want I care tons.

But I know they have my best interest at hand so I want to have theirs.

So by your 2nd seizure, the doctors at the hospital didn't think to admit you to in-patient treatment for detox/taper? They just kept releasing you?

Wow, talk about failing at medicine. They should go rewrite the MCAT. Fucking idiots.

Yeah, seriously. When it comes to drugs and w/d, BL is where the experts are. You don't find many doctors who know what they are talking about.

These days I understood that by going to a doctor only two things can be accomplished, either surgery or antibiotics. All else is rather useless and short term and will create more problems for me than benefits.

 

[gm777]

"practicing medicine"

I've said this for a while...

That's why they call it "practicing medicine." A large majority of them don't have a fuckin clue as to what they're doing. Like I said, haven't been to one in years for anything at all, and I work for a very large company (brand is world wide)with excellent benefits. I just haven't used them based upon countless bad experiences. Its just turned me against any doctor/patient setting ever since.

Some might say that's being ridiculous. Maybe, but going through all that bullshit? For example that first ambulance ride, I was starting to come back to reality when we were pulling in to the ER. There were these massive EMTs, one in the back with me, the other driving, both were big as a brick shithouse redneck country boys. EMT in the back asks me, "how yee feelin boy?" I say like motherfuckin hell, "gone give yee a lil sumptin at'll make yee feel better." The drug addict in me was thinking, yeah all right, not a problem.

Now picture this, this is happening as we're rollin into the big double doors into the waitng room to the ER. As soon as he hit my vein, my whole body turned ice cold and I managed to say, what the fuck did you just put in my vein? I slumped over and started vomiting on myself and the floor, immeditely started convulsing and folding my body up backwards. My neck was tight to the point where I could barely breathe. Soon after that, it brought me right back into my seizure which apparently wasn't over. My wife was in hysterics.

After it was over we found out he had dosed me with something for an ODing patient, which I was not I had an adverse reaction to say the least. And I was quite the opposite, in severe benzo withdrawal, DTs from benzo opiate hell. He had told my wife he was sorry for making that mistake. Then he asked me if I was half- Mexican? WTF? No sir, I just work outside a lot in my yard and tend to get fairly brown in the summertime. Jesus...

Yeah, I'm done with being a human pin cushion. My faith in the medical field is gone for a while. They're so ready and willing to operate at the drop of a dime. But whenryit comes to a safe taper schedule for benzos, like the ones in the book posted earlier above, (which I read entirely,every unexplainable symptom of mine is covered) they are ignorant of the facts, or just plain lazy? Either way the damage is done and could have been prevented in all likelihood.

Also, anyone who is in that hellish benzo withdrawal needs to check out that link for a safe taper. Especially if you've been abusing at higher doses for an extended period of time. It could save you a significant amount of physical pain and mental anguish and posssibly your life.