Cyanoide
Bluelighter
My history regarding drugs is long and complex, hence no short description would be accurate. I'm 30 years +-2 years living in Northern Europe. I started with drugs in the beginning of the 2000's and got into the world of underground electronic music, mainly psychedelic trance, and lived the whole "rave culture" 110%. I mostly used speed, meth, ecstacy (and pure MDMA), coke cannabis, and GHB. But I also got introduced to the world of psychedelics, using LSD, mushrooms and some RC's.
Due to my own naivety and young age, I thought it was just fun and nothing can go wrong. I used copious amounts of ecstacy, sometimes up to 8 pills a night. In retrospective such amounts sound horrible, but that was how it was back then. Reckless, but fun...Until. The mental problems started. First I couldn't use speed because I got severe panic attacks, then I couldn't use weed anymore for the same reason. The last drop was when I got a violent panic attack after a mushroom+cannabis combo with tremors and some kind of seizures, ending up in hospital. Then I decided, I have to quit.
But it was too late. I started getting panic attacks, obsessive thoughts in my mind (going crazy) and suffering from severe social phobia. For a year, I couldn't attend school and was on sick leave for over a year. I got medication, and until this day I have tried and used some 20+ different medicines (SSRI's, SNRI', NaSSAs, anti-psychotic neuroleptics, beta blockers etc) and attended psychotherapy for 3 years. The only thing that really helped was benzos.
So, I got addicted to them and still am. First it was alprazolam, then diazepam and now clonazepam. I am also using escitalopram, which has done wonders for me, and pregabalin (Lyrica), which I am tapering off now as it is unnecessary. I have tried to quit benzos several times, but I and my psychiatrist have come to the conclusion that I cannot live a normal life without them. The benefits outweigh the negative sides of being addicted to them.
At the moment I have a job, I got a masters degree from a University last year and doing pretty fine. For 6 years I did no drugs, not even alcohol. I cursed everything that had to with drugs, blaming all my problems on them. But I now see the reason was the reckless and unresponsible use of them, a total lack of information about how drugs and the body works that caused the problems. I didn't know what serotonine was back then. Now I now that the extreme and very frequent (every weekend for years) use of MDMA depleted my serotonine reserves, most probably causing irreversible nerve damage in my brain (although I have not noticed any decrease of my intellectual capacity).
What then brought me back to the world of psychoactives? Well, it was a coincidene. I was prescribed Lyrica for anxiety and noticed the side effects were very pleasant. Somehow I came to realise that my hatred for drugs was a trauma that suddenly was crushed. I was aware that, although still having some mental problems, I am extremely aware of what I want from drugs and what my mind can take. No more recklessness. I decided to get back to using drugs, with responsibility and a purpose for using them. I am convinced that occassional drug use can enhance my life quality and creative thinking.
The main purpose to "going back" was self-exploration. So it comes as a no surprise that psychedelics and dissociatives are on my top list. Also, being in a regular job, I needed something to free me from the materialistic, greedy, moneyfilled world and everyday things that involve in working in a company. It's all about money and profit. And, I do like money, but there are things money cannot give me. It is the sense of being one, at peace with myself, exploring depths, though patterns, visuals, smells and realizations not achievable in the "normal" world.
So here I am again. However, some drugs I have left and will not use again. Speed and cannabis are not my cup of tea, and although I am mostly for self-exploration, I admit I still would like to have some coke and GHB every now and then. MDMA wouldn't work with my medicine anyway, so it is not relevant right now. I like beer, but not getting drunk. I also use snus (the swedish variant), nicotine actually being the only substance I never left and have used it continuously for 15 years.
I also suffere from chronic insomnia due to using quetiapine as a (admittedly extremely effective) sleep aid for 4 years. Unfortunately when stopping it I couldn't sleep normally again. But now I use melatonin which has done wonders for my sleep. Without it, I would be forced to go back to a "nasty" drug to get sleep.
I don't know if it is necessary to post what drugs I have experienced with, but maybe it can help understand where I am coming from (note: the * mark means it is a drug I have used since returning to this fascinating world of chemicals last year)
Cannabis
Ecstacy (also pure MDMA)
Amphetamine
Methamphetamine
GHB/GBL
Cocaine
LSD
Mushrooms
5-MeO-DIPT
4-HO-DIPT
4-Acetoxy-DIPT
5-MeO-DMT (*)
2C-I
2C-B
MDAI (*)
MDAT (*)
Methoxetamine (*)
Methiopropamine (*)
4-HO-DPT (*)
5-MeO-DALT (*)
4-AcO-DMT (*)
4-HO-MET (*)
Phenazepam (* illegal here, not sold by pharmacies, bought from a RC vendor)
Prescription medicines used include citalopram, escitalopram, venlafaxine, mirtazapine, paroxetine, fluoxetine, oxazepam, alprazolam, diazepam, clonazepam, temazepam, pregabalin, quetiapine, propranolol, bisoprolol and some I cannot remember. Now I daily use 15 mg escitalopram, 3 mg clonazepam and 225 mg pregabalin (but tapering off, was using 600 mg daily a couple of months ago).
I have quite a stock of medicine and RC's now. Of the new RC's, methoxetamine is one of my favouries, as is 4-HO-DPT (in my opinion one of the most underrated psychedelics there are). Still untestead in my stack are 4-Aco-DMT and 4-HO-MET, both which I will try the coming months. EDIT: Already tested ! I also have 5-MeO-AMT, but based on what I have heard, I will not touch it.
There are still many substances untried which fascinate me. These are especially DMT (the 5-MeO version very familiar), Mescaline, Ketamine and from the RC side DPT.
I also have other interests, being a big sports fan, especially football (soccer for you Americans), alpine skiing, road bicycle racing and Formula 1. I also work out at the gym frequently and like bicycling. Travelling is one of my biggest passions, mountains being the biggest passion of all. Mountaineering and mountain hiking gives me the best kicks of all - better than drugs. The awosomeness, beauty and spirituality (yes, I see spirituality in rocks and cliffs, they are as much nature as anything else) of mountains never cease to amaze me. Quoting the mountaineer Anatoly Bukreev who lost his life on Annapurna 1 doing what he loved (RIP).
I am also a music freak, especially goatrance and psychedelic trance are like a part of me I cannot live without. I feel myself connected to something higher through psytrance. I collect records and I'm a "bedroom-DJ". I haven't attended parties for almost 7 years, but will most certainly do so in the future.
This was a long and probably boring introduction, but at least it had some therapeutic effects for me, as I have no friends anymore who are interested in drugs and many don't even know I use anything. So I have no one to share my experiences with...well until now, hopefully
Due to my own naivety and young age, I thought it was just fun and nothing can go wrong. I used copious amounts of ecstacy, sometimes up to 8 pills a night. In retrospective such amounts sound horrible, but that was how it was back then. Reckless, but fun...Until. The mental problems started. First I couldn't use speed because I got severe panic attacks, then I couldn't use weed anymore for the same reason. The last drop was when I got a violent panic attack after a mushroom+cannabis combo with tremors and some kind of seizures, ending up in hospital. Then I decided, I have to quit.
But it was too late. I started getting panic attacks, obsessive thoughts in my mind (going crazy) and suffering from severe social phobia. For a year, I couldn't attend school and was on sick leave for over a year. I got medication, and until this day I have tried and used some 20+ different medicines (SSRI's, SNRI', NaSSAs, anti-psychotic neuroleptics, beta blockers etc) and attended psychotherapy for 3 years. The only thing that really helped was benzos.
So, I got addicted to them and still am. First it was alprazolam, then diazepam and now clonazepam. I am also using escitalopram, which has done wonders for me, and pregabalin (Lyrica), which I am tapering off now as it is unnecessary. I have tried to quit benzos several times, but I and my psychiatrist have come to the conclusion that I cannot live a normal life without them. The benefits outweigh the negative sides of being addicted to them.
At the moment I have a job, I got a masters degree from a University last year and doing pretty fine. For 6 years I did no drugs, not even alcohol. I cursed everything that had to with drugs, blaming all my problems on them. But I now see the reason was the reckless and unresponsible use of them, a total lack of information about how drugs and the body works that caused the problems. I didn't know what serotonine was back then. Now I now that the extreme and very frequent (every weekend for years) use of MDMA depleted my serotonine reserves, most probably causing irreversible nerve damage in my brain (although I have not noticed any decrease of my intellectual capacity).
What then brought me back to the world of psychoactives? Well, it was a coincidene. I was prescribed Lyrica for anxiety and noticed the side effects were very pleasant. Somehow I came to realise that my hatred for drugs was a trauma that suddenly was crushed. I was aware that, although still having some mental problems, I am extremely aware of what I want from drugs and what my mind can take. No more recklessness. I decided to get back to using drugs, with responsibility and a purpose for using them. I am convinced that occassional drug use can enhance my life quality and creative thinking.
The main purpose to "going back" was self-exploration. So it comes as a no surprise that psychedelics and dissociatives are on my top list. Also, being in a regular job, I needed something to free me from the materialistic, greedy, moneyfilled world and everyday things that involve in working in a company. It's all about money and profit. And, I do like money, but there are things money cannot give me. It is the sense of being one, at peace with myself, exploring depths, though patterns, visuals, smells and realizations not achievable in the "normal" world.
So here I am again. However, some drugs I have left and will not use again. Speed and cannabis are not my cup of tea, and although I am mostly for self-exploration, I admit I still would like to have some coke and GHB every now and then. MDMA wouldn't work with my medicine anyway, so it is not relevant right now. I like beer, but not getting drunk. I also use snus (the swedish variant), nicotine actually being the only substance I never left and have used it continuously for 15 years.
I also suffere from chronic insomnia due to using quetiapine as a (admittedly extremely effective) sleep aid for 4 years. Unfortunately when stopping it I couldn't sleep normally again. But now I use melatonin which has done wonders for my sleep. Without it, I would be forced to go back to a "nasty" drug to get sleep.
I don't know if it is necessary to post what drugs I have experienced with, but maybe it can help understand where I am coming from (note: the * mark means it is a drug I have used since returning to this fascinating world of chemicals last year)
Cannabis
Ecstacy (also pure MDMA)
Amphetamine
Methamphetamine
GHB/GBL
Cocaine
LSD
Mushrooms
5-MeO-DIPT
4-HO-DIPT
4-Acetoxy-DIPT
5-MeO-DMT (*)
2C-I
2C-B
MDAI (*)
MDAT (*)
Methoxetamine (*)
Methiopropamine (*)
4-HO-DPT (*)
5-MeO-DALT (*)
4-AcO-DMT (*)
4-HO-MET (*)
Phenazepam (* illegal here, not sold by pharmacies, bought from a RC vendor)
Prescription medicines used include citalopram, escitalopram, venlafaxine, mirtazapine, paroxetine, fluoxetine, oxazepam, alprazolam, diazepam, clonazepam, temazepam, pregabalin, quetiapine, propranolol, bisoprolol and some I cannot remember. Now I daily use 15 mg escitalopram, 3 mg clonazepam and 225 mg pregabalin (but tapering off, was using 600 mg daily a couple of months ago).
I have quite a stock of medicine and RC's now. Of the new RC's, methoxetamine is one of my favouries, as is 4-HO-DPT (in my opinion one of the most underrated psychedelics there are). Still untestead in my stack are 4-Aco-DMT and 4-HO-MET, both which I will try the coming months. EDIT: Already tested ! I also have 5-MeO-AMT, but based on what I have heard, I will not touch it.
There are still many substances untried which fascinate me. These are especially DMT (the 5-MeO version very familiar), Mescaline, Ketamine and from the RC side DPT.
I also have other interests, being a big sports fan, especially football (soccer for you Americans), alpine skiing, road bicycle racing and Formula 1. I also work out at the gym frequently and like bicycling. Travelling is one of my biggest passions, mountains being the biggest passion of all. Mountaineering and mountain hiking gives me the best kicks of all - better than drugs. The awosomeness, beauty and spirituality (yes, I see spirituality in rocks and cliffs, they are as much nature as anything else) of mountains never cease to amaze me. Quoting the mountaineer Anatoly Bukreev who lost his life on Annapurna 1 doing what he loved (RIP).
I am also a music freak, especially goatrance and psychedelic trance are like a part of me I cannot live without. I feel myself connected to something higher through psytrance. I collect records and I'm a "bedroom-DJ". I haven't attended parties for almost 7 years, but will most certainly do so in the future.
This was a long and probably boring introduction, but at least it had some therapeutic effects for me, as I have no friends anymore who are interested in drugs and many don't even know I use anything. So I have no one to share my experiences with...well until now, hopefully
Last edited:
