I want to be completely normal, sober and most of all, I want my brain to return to the way it was, before I ever used drugs.
I know it will be a long time before this will happen, but I think its just another way to get high and I know she is right... Of course, my addiction has to always look for another way to get high, even if it means doing it legally... I'm so tired of these games that addiction plays on my mind.
This is how it is for me, so to speak...
Me: w00t, clean and sober for a week!
Addiction: Spice... it's not a drug. It's just spice. It's not crack. You'll be fine, especially if you only do it once or twice every 6 months. No big deal.
Me: Ahhh, this spice makes me feel so high...
Wife: Not again, I am so tired of this. Why can't you just not be high?!
Me: It's just spice. It's not crack!
2 hours later, I am thinking to myself that I feel guilty... I feel like I sort of relapsed, but not completely. Of course, this is probably just my "addiction" talking. I don't even feel like I am addicted to drugs, or maybe I'm just addicted to feeling "different".
I do feel though, that I am learning more and more every day and the battles are getting easier to beat.
*sigh*
Time for sobriety attempt number... fuck me, I lost count.
Funny thing is, apparently I think I've got sobriety, addiction, and depression all figured out and I tell people not to get high, and then I turn around and go get high. What the fuck? Talk about ironic.