Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

[RollinOnACoaster]

I need someone to talk to if possible. I've posted before about the pain i'm in, the condition I have that is making me lose my ability to function, and that I bounce from doctor to doctor, continually told that they dont know. It's gotten worse. My muscles are starting to waste, I have to eat so much more protein it makes me feel ill and heavy just to break even. I'm being started on steroids to hopefully slow the degeneration, and the pain i'm in now has me hallucinating. I don't want to drive because if I have a hallucination while doing so, I may hurt someone else. But I cannot afford nott o, since if I dont, i'll become homeless.

I feel like a puppet. I want to die, but part of me just cant do it, I cant leave my friends, even though I know they'd understand. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and by doing so, all i'm doing is continuing my own torture.

It'd be so easy. Death is the easiest thing to do, we're so fragile... Why can't I? Why am I being forced to deal with this?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

MDMA abuse which has resulted in me having severe sexual dysfunction at the age of 20 had me pondering about suicide today. Still trying and hoping thing will get better/change

Can you describe more about your situation ? What do you mean by sexual dysfunction, do you mean erectile dysfunction, or are you experiencing a lack of desire/arousal?

Have you thought about going on a medication to get help for this? There are ways you can get help for this. I study pharmacology, and I have an inkling that there are medications that would be able to help. Have you tried any?

I need someone to talk to if possible. I've posted before about the pain i'm in, the condition I have that is making me lose my ability to function, and that I bounce from doctor to doctor, continually told that they dont know. It's gotten worse. My muscles are starting to waste, I have to eat so much more protein it makes me feel ill and heavy just to break even. I'm being started on steroids to hopefully slow the degeneration, and the pain i'm in now has me hallucinating. I don't want to drive because if I have a hallucination while doing so, I may hurt someone else. But I cannot afford nott o, since if I dont, i'll become homeless.

I feel like a puppet. I want to die, but part of me just cant do it, I cant leave my friends, even though I know they'd understand. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and by doing so, all i'm doing is continuing my own torture.

It'd be so easy. Death is the easiest thing to do, we're so fragile... Why can't I? Why am I being forced to deal with this?

No one is forcing you, but I am sure that there is more enjoyment and experience to your life that is worth having lived out. You can always change your mind if you are alive, but you can't hit the rewind button in life once you have ended that same life.

Have you considered telling your doctors you have had hallucinations due to the pain? I am very sorry to hear about your condition, I am not sure if I have heard about it previously. I myself have had quite a bit of muscle, tendons, etc. to regenerate from a temporary condition, that I should be able to recover from. Nonetheless it has been the most painful experience of my entire life and I have been in excruciating pain for at least the last 8 to 12 weeks for the beginning of this year.

Feel free to PM me if you want to tell me more. That goes for anyone.

 

[BrahamCracker]

i hate when people tell me i have to be the one to be more positive and improve myself. I don't know how to be positive. I compare myself to legends, and when i cannot equal them without trying, i get depressed. seriously anything makes me negative/down. I'm such an easy target and i'm trapped in my mind. I cry for hours just hoping something will help me. The problem is i hate how the only person who can help me is me. I just wish i had some help or something i believed in.

Even though all i get are thoughts and wouldn't be able to follow through with suicide, i wish every night that i won't wake up or somebody will run me over tomorrow. Just because i don't want to deal with the pain and disapointment i bring myself everyday.

i just want happiness so i can bring others happiness. I feel like a safety deposit box, locked away are all the great things i can do but i'm not sure how to pick the lock and get em out. I wish i was ignorant and believed in god (if you do, i don't mean you are ignorant). I have so much doubt, nothing makes it through. I go through life without drugs, but it doesn't matter. That one accomplishment of quitting drugs pales in comparison. I have so much pain and no way to hug it.

I do not know what it is like to be happy, or maybe i just forgot. It's been so long i am not sure anymore.

 

[theartofwar]

^ When you say something you could believe in... I can completely understand that. I was raised in a protestant church going family, i learned throughout the years that it was just a mask - underneath was just bullshit. I still wish I had some belief, anything to hold onto - i just don't. This world is so fucking evil if some diety created it he can fuck right off..

 

[TINK]

You're so mean....When you talk....About yourself
You are wrong.......Change the voices......In your head
Make them like you........Instead
So complicated
Filled with so much hatred

 

[rangrz]

I get to write a suicide report up...emacs or vi?
*sigh*

 

[theartofwar]

A member has offered to help me with my ptsd and suicide - I am going to be working with him and his friend. No more letting time pass and waste time and string along those here who care for me - I apologize for not being more responsible. You guys know who you are and I should have seen my own weakness in taking advantage of your kindness. Being lonely and suicidal is no excuse for poor choices. I feel I should say this publicly for those that understand it, for those that don't I made poor choices in how I conducted myself and I deeply regret it.

 

[trll]

To n3ophy7e'

Hi, I just read your thread on suicide.
I was comforted by the statement

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

My ex and father of my eldest child left us last August. He was unwell, with bi-polar disorder, which we were unaware of. As he lived in Spain we didnt get much time to be close enough to know how badly he sufferd, and he chose the well times to visit. It has been such a monumental shock and i am doing my best to help my son come to some kind of understanding. We will never know what went on for him that day, but he laid out pictures of his children and some words as well as some items of spirituall significance. He had been happy all weekend acording to the freinds and loved ones around, then on monday he ended his life here in this world by shooting himself in the head. it seemed so planned.
It helps me to think he did not "choose" and I know he would never want to hurt anyone by his actions, he was a kind generous man, he was a doctor and an artist and a spiritual soul.
I cant even feel angry that he has caused our son so much suffering, has failed to deliver on so many promises, has gone from us when we so needed him, that he isnt around to guide our boy from teen to adult. I just feel so so sad.
we miss him and always will.
Thank you for your insight and thoughtfulness in opening of this thread.
bx

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi bx, thank you so much for sharing that with us, it takes a lot of courage to open up with a sensitive issue such as this. I am so sorry to hear that your son's father left you all before his time. I sincerely hope you and your son (and all others who knew and loved him) are coping okay. I hope that with each day that passes it gets a little easier

 

[TINK]

To n3ophy7e'

Hi, I just read your thread on suicide.
I was comforted by the statement

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

My ex and father of my eldest child left us last August. He was unwell, with bi-polar disorder, which we were unaware of. As he lived in Spain we didnt get much time to be close enough to know how badly he sufferd, and he chose the well times to visit. It has been such a monumental shock and i am doing my best to help my son come to some kind of understanding. We will never know what went on for him that day, but he laid out pictures of his children and some words as well as some items of spirituall significance. He had been happy all weekend acording to the freinds and loved ones around, then on monday he ended his life here in this world by shooting himself in the head. it seemed so planned.
It helps me to think he did not "choose" and I know he would never want to hurt anyone by his actions, he was a kind generous man, he was a doctor and an artist and a spiritual soul.
I cant even feel angry that he has caused our son so much suffering, has failed to deliver on so many promises, has gone from us when we so needed him, that he isnt around to guide our boy from teen to adult. I just feel so so sad.
we miss him and always will.
Thank you for your insight and thoughtfulness in opening of this thread.
bx

My thoughts are with you and your family. It truly a difficult thing for someone to understand what goes on in someone's head. We can all say I know what you are going through, but we really don't. Everyone's experience is different. All I can say is that you need to make sure that his son does understand that he didn't choose this. That his dad did not chose death over his son. Most people that don't understand suicide see it as a selfish act. I can not stress enough how important it is to talk about it. Talk about all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Lacking coping skills to deal with the emotional pain can also lead to many other issues. Also, be aware of what could be possibly hereditary and arm your son with everything he will need to grow up and be a well adjusted young man.

Hugs....

 

[Captain.Heroin]

My thoughts are with you and your family. It truly a difficult thing for someone to understand what goes on in someone's head. We can all say I know what you are going through, but we really don't. Everyone's experience is different. All I can say is that you need to make sure that his son does understand that he didn't choose this. That his dad did not chose death over his son. Most people that don't understand suicide see it as a selfish act. I can not stress enough how important it is to talk about it. Talk about all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Lacking coping skills to deal with the emotional pain can also lead to many other issues. Also, be aware of what could be possibly hereditary and arm your son with everything he will need to grow up and be a well adjusted young man.

Hugs....

You are so right TINK; suicide is a selfless act, not a selfish one. I talked extensively about this in another TDS thread.

Most importantly, your advice to talk about it, not just the good, or the bad, or the ugly, but all of the above - that's the best advice you can really give someone in this sort of situation.

Coping skills are definitely something else that we should all work on. I am even thinking of writing a comprehensive list of coping skills, and posting it in its own TDS thread. Any input from the TDS Moderators? I know all the TDS Mods are great people so any input from them, one way or the other, will be helpful.

 

[theartofwar]

Do you guys think suicide , or suicidal traits are hereditary ? Or at very least certainly can be ?

 

[ocean]

We have had these conversations in TDS before, and often times this thread gets derailed by the discussion of why and hows of the act- but to help people who are in need at this time.
Whether you feel it is selfish or selfless isn't really to be discussed here.
The purpose of this thread is to help people in need atm.
Please see The first post.
Let's not sway from that as the discussion tends to get heated and carried away.
Thanks guys




CH- I think a coping skills thread would be great!

 

[AlkaloidsEye]

I just wanted to thank every single soul who has contributed to this thread for their input.

I've had several suicide attempts (been a long time since an actual attempt), but i was feeling very bad yesterday and i found this thread.

n3ophy7e Your first post kept me from doing some dumb shit and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Typed words seems really cold sometimes, but i can't emphasize how much that meant.

To everybody else feeling down? I don't know what to say other than; You are not alone. Ever. I know you might feel that way sometimes, but that is when you get cut off from what is real. I'm not saying don't commit to suicide if you feel that determined, but i'll say from my own experiences....

if i had killed myself all those years ago i would have missed many many wonderful relationships and adventures. It is on most days, now after much personal work, that i practice a deep and profound sense of gratitude for what i do have and what i have experienced.

Not every day is bright and shiny, but it has gotten a lot better since those days.

Please be kind to yourselves people. I really mean that.

to all

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Do you guys think suicide , or suicidal traits are hereditary ? Or at very least certainly can be ?

I fear that many psychological conditions can be hereditary. Suicidal ideation or attempts could also be hereditary, but they are not hereditary for ALL cases.

There appears to be certain drugs which can increase suicide ideation and attempts without increasing depression, one of which is isotretinoin.

Other drugs may indirectly increase suicidal ideation and attempts by causing depression as an intended or paradoxical reaction, and then the depression can cause feelings of helplessness, and so on.

I would certainly hate to think that suicidal ideation or attempts are hereditary, to say the least. I tend to think of both as a result of non-hereditary effects - environmental or otherwise. This is just my 2 cents though, I have no studies or conclusive evidence to say either way.

Do you ask this because of behavior you have seen in your parents, or other family members? Or do you ask this because you wouldn't want to bring a child into this world just to have them experience the same horrifying reality you have endured?

 

[panic in paradise]

i just wanted to thank every single soul who has contributed to this thread for their input.

I've had several suicide attempts (been a long time since an actual attempt), but i was feeling very bad yesterday and i found this thread.

N3ophy7e your first post kept me from doing some dumb shit and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Typed words seems really cold sometimes, but i can't emphasize how much that meant.

To everybody else feeling down? I don't know what to say other than; you are not alone. Ever. I know you might feel that way sometimes, but that is when you get cut off from what is real. I'm not saying don't commit to suicide if you feel that determined, but i'll say from my own experiences....

If i had killed myself all those years ago i would have missed many many wonderful relationships and adventures. It is on most days, now after much personal work, that i practice a deep and profound sense of gratitude for what i do have and what i have experienced.

Not every day is bright and shiny, but it has gotten a lot better since those days.

Please be kind to yourselves people. I really mean that.

to all

...

 

[n3ophy7e]

I just wanted to thank every single soul who has contributed to this thread for their input.

I've had several suicide attempts (been a long time since an actual attempt), but i was feeling very bad yesterday and i found this thread.

n3ophy7e Your first post kept me from doing some dumb shit and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Typed words seems really cold sometimes, but i can't emphasize how much that meant.

To everybody else feeling down? I don't know what to say other than; You are not alone. Ever. I know you might feel that way sometimes, but that is when you get cut off from what is real. I'm not saying don't commit to suicide if you feel that determined, but i'll say from my own experiences....

if i had killed myself all those years ago i would have missed many many wonderful relationships and adventures. It is on most days, now after much personal work, that i practice a deep and profound sense of gratitude for what i do have and what i have experienced.

Not every day is bright and shiny, but it has gotten a lot better since those days.

Please be kind to yourselves people. I really mean that.

to all

This is really heartwarming to read, AlkaloidsEye. I am so glad you decided to stick around. Thank you for sharing this with us

 

[AlkaloidsEye]

n3ophy7e It is you and all the others whose stories i read that deserve thanks. It can be really hard to share stuff that is so intimate for us with others, but without sharing these events and thoughts we would never know that there are others who feel equally as lost.

If anyone gets into a bad headspace and needs to talk just him me up with a PM. I'm not saying i can help, but i'll do what i can.

panic

Just an aside that i thought might help some of the members. For years and years i was a strict atheist and then i moved into agnosticism after many years as a researcher. While I don't have faith in a particular deity; i do have faith now. In the universe and in other human beings. That faith has nothing to do with religion, but everything to do with simply being open to all the amazing and wonderful things that exist all around us all the time. It does not undermine my science background or rational thought. It helps me to stop and give thanks for simply being here at all.

We are taught to focus on the negatives and that is what is presented to us in the media. Shootings, stabbings, murders, people doing horrible things to each other....

but that is the shit they put up because they want to get you to buy something. We don't hear the millions and millions of positive stories about how one person maybe helped someone get some food ... or that another person showed patience towards another... or maybe a random stranger smiled at you or said something nice...

Think of this... how many people do you know that use drugs daily and are completely ok? Plenty in most cases. Why is that? Don't we always hear or read about addicts that are stealing this or robbing people?

Negativity is, in actuality, the very small minority of all human interactions. It couldn't be any other way; otherwise we would have all killed each other off a long time ago. Caring, love, compassion, kindness... these are all traits that everyone who has posted in this thread have. Otherwise you could not feel so bad at times.

If you are feeling down; go and volunteer at an animal shelter or maybe see if someone you know needs some helps or is also feeling down. Giving kindness allows us to receive it as well.

We all benefit from love and caring. So maybe you'll feel better if you do something selfless for another?

 

[n3ophy7e]

For years and years i was a strict atheist and then i moved into agnosticism after many years as a researcher. While I don't have faith in a particular deity; i do have faith now. In the universe and in other human beings. That faith has nothing to do with religion, but everything to do with simply being open to all the amazing and wonderful things that exist all around us all the time. It does not undermine my science background or rational thought. It helps me to stop and give thanks for simply being here at all.

Nicely worded AE. This is precisely the path I am seeming to be following with my spirituality My faith lies in the Universe and physics, and the fact that by some minuscule chance we are here at all. It helps me to be grateful, to respect nature, and to try and make the most of the time we have here.

 

[TINK]

I am so glad you found somewhere you feel at home. Or at least that is how I describe it.