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Fear

calmAnimal

calmAnimal

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 24, 2009
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in the moment
so i have been doing some writing on myself. i realize most of my (negative) actions are based out of fear. fear of rejection, of disapproval, of failure, of not being liked by everyone. and often when i wasnt absolutely positive i would be liked i "shut down" and freeeze up. which is probably worse but im just so scared that i might do some thing wrong, i dont do anything.

this is VERY unsettling, it kinda feels like a rug was pulled out from under me. like my world just got flipped up side down.

to see this pattern through out my life is frustrating but im glad that i caught it now and can work on it.

anyone else see fear as a major part in the motivation of their actions? and what have you done to work on it?
 
Fear of judgment has always been a big motivator for my actions. Trying to keep the peace and walk around on eggshells not to upset anybody. It seems impossible to not be chronically anxious when living this way.

Over the past year or so I've noticed a lot of improvement, but it's still a work in progress. I'm better able to catch myself when my thoughts start spiraling out of control. They'll start to focus on potential judgments of others and then repeat over and over in my head all the mistakes that I think I've made. I often get caught up in it but I try to take a step back and to acknowledge what is really happening rather than believing in the fearful thoughts. I try to replace it with compassion instead. Sometimes I find it helpful to compare my self-judgments to how I judge another person, because I can't imagine ever judging another person as harshly as do myself. It kind of puts things in perspective.

Really I think most people are fear-based, it just manifests in different ways. It's great that you are able to see it in yourself :)
 
man, i'm going through a lot of fear my self.
i'm drawn to isolation like a bug on a windshield. some days i dont want to get out of bed because i'm afriad of fucking something up, because i'm really good at fucking other peoples lifes up.
i'm just now learning to live a sober life without fear. the only thing i should be fearful of is if i ever go out, i'm going to die.
i dont want to die today, i want to live a productive life.

I'm still going through fear facing authority, i hate people that are over me. like police, the director here in the halfway house i'm in. i hate the judge. fuck i hate the bitchs in gas stations behind the glass.

the only place that i'm not afraid of is in the rooms of NA. because people there know exactly what i'm going through.

my biggest character defect is fear.
 
it's hardest for me to shake the fear of police, because they could basically bust into my home and lock me up for years, all making it sound like they're doing a good thing.......

fear is difficult.
 
once i pounded into my head that Fear stems from Anxiety, or is only anxiety felt as fear...
dealing with my fears made dealing with my anxieties easier eventually,
and a very rewarding system started running on its own somewhere.

;)
 
calmAnimal said:
so i have been doing some writing on myself. i realize most of my (negative) actions are based out of fear. fear of rejection, of disapproval, of failure, of not being liked by everyone. and often when i wasnt absolutely positive i would be liked i "shut down" and freeeze up. which is probably worse but im just so scared that i might do some thing wrong, i dont do anything.

this is VERY unsettling, it kinda feels like a rug was pulled out from under me. like my world just got flipped up side down.

to see this pattern through out my life is frustrating but im glad that i caught it now and can work on it.

anyone else see fear as a major part in the motivation of their actions? and what have you done to work on it?
Click to expand...

were addicts brother , were scared to live and were scared to die there for we simply attempt to exist , fear is apart of everyones addiction , a huge part , you are not alone
 
thank you all for your contribututions. Draigon you linked to this thread.

and to those in the program i'm writing my 4th step. its pretty uncomfortable but i know it will help me when i get through it.
 
Yeh fears use to consume my life too. But when I go into fight or flight mode I tend to prefer fighting over flighting which has always been beneficial for at least making myself face my major fears.
Ie. Women use to be a major fear of mine. I wound up joining the seduction community for 4 years to do nothing but approach women sober. Would do it 4 nights a week at one point for 2 years straight. Now that fear has been completely dissolved and I now actually enjoy approaching/talking to women.

I use to also have a serious public speaking phobia which was worse than my fear of women. Before I had a major oral exam due one semester I swallowed 1100mg of phenobarbital and 14mg of xanax. Woke up in the psychward and realized it was time to face that fear as well.

I've read a lot of books about it, including "Feel the fear and do it anyways" by Susan Jeffers (excellent write on fears) and eventually I find systematic desensitization in a very small step by step process has so far worked for all my major fears. I usually will take a few meds initially to get my feet wet, then break to association to meds by lowering doses and continuing to increase the amount of a certain fear I'm exposed to.

So far I'm 2 for 2. My next fear to conquer however is living the rest of my life sober and healthy. And again I'm taking it slowly, step by step, taking myself off opiates and slowly trying to restructure a more routine/productive lifestyle. I've always prefered slowly tweaking habits overtime as its just my prefered route of dealing with shit and always seems more durable in the end as you're able to slowly develop new coping mechanisms. Its a major rule in any form of therapy. Never take a persons coping mechanisms away (say eating) untill you have actually gave them other coping mechanisms to replace it with.
 
PIP, I'm curious how would you define anxiety? I've tended to look at it the other way around....that fear (thoughts) can manifest as physical anxiety (tension, rapid heart beat, clenched jaw, etc..). Like Draigan I mean fear in the sense of thought/worry/anticipation/whatever, rather than fear that is a response to present moment experience such as having a gun pointed at you.
 
well i could describe anxiety as
"thought/worry/anticipation/whatever" or other fear inspiring irrationalities.

calmanimals post reads like a description of "social-anxiety", a fear brought from usually self insecurities, irrational ones.

;)

not everyone fears death, that is an irrational, but deep and respective anxiety that can, be over come.
 
calmAnimal said:
thank you all for your contribututions. Draigon you linked to this thread.

and to those in the program i'm writing my 4th step. its pretty uncomfortable but i know it will help me when i get through it.
Click to expand...

good for you bro !!!!!! my sponsor always told me step 4 is where the rubber meets the road .....pour your fucking guts dont short change yourself , im not sure what it was and to be honest i dont care but after i whole heartedly did my 4 th and 5 th step something magical happened
 
yes i'd say my anxeties and fears are def social. i never really had a fear of physical harm. i played ruff sports and i know that my body can heal. but healing and working on relationships w/ other ppl has always been a problem with me. your either my best friend or i dont really like you and don't know what to talk to you about.

i had a great talk w/ my therapist yesterday. finally started to open up and got some good advice. now i'm just waiting to put the advice into action :)
 
something else id try and do, because why not do as much as you can, with healthy harmless things like this.?

try and go through the day;
wanting less of anything.
&
listening more to anyone.

"your either my best friend or i dont really like you and don't know what to talk to you about"

again engage then just listen, no need to add in much besides acknowledgment of attention -- take what you gather from their words and relate them to your thoughts.

OP Ivy once said, "its just a matter of time, healthy body sick mind."

you've got a handful of catch-22's there man, more then i noted..!
sounds like you're on the right track for sure.

<3
:)
 
CalmA-
I've been working on overcoming fear and its a difficult thing.
I have GAD and Panic Disorder and totally understand fear........
Yesterday I did this exercise in a class where we had an object in our hands and we had to pretend we had never seen it before and to pay attn to each moment of getting to know the object. I noticed as soon as I was able to look at the object like I did not know what it was I wanted to put it down. I became fearful of it. But I held it and tried to become comfortable with it and when I held through and studied the object, I became interested instead of afraid-
Point being, while fear may be your first reaction to something- trekking on through the fear can be powerful and help you to recognize the fear is useless.
I do believe that fear and being scared of things dulls the spirit a bit.......
Your spiritual self is bogged down with this fear and anxiety, its hard to be in touch with your true self......(my opinion)

Here are a few quotes on fear I find motivating:
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” - Sven Goran Errikson

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. ~Mary Manin Morrissey

Panic at the thought of doing a thing is a challenge to do it. ~Henry S. Haskins
 
calmAnimal said:
fear of rejection, of disapproval, of failure, of not being liked by everyone. and often when i wasnt absolutely positive i would be liked i "shut down" and freeeze up. which is probably worse but im just so scared that i might do some thing wrong, i dont do anything.
Click to expand...

I totally relate to this CA!
I still feel the fear I did when i was in my early teens but I think because I dont reject it as harshly as I used to, it is a bit easier to manage. Thats not to say I walk about perfect, far from it...I can get really anxious, especially in certain social situations and I clam up, feel extremely awkward, act arrogant or start to feel angry, want to run-away or if I cant I get physically shakey-all these negative coping mechanisms only add to the stress though, so I usually try to talk myself down in my head, rather than focusing on whats going on outside of me alone.

I remember when I was 14 and at Summer camp, I was extremely shy kid but was terrified of anyone knowing. A group of us were in the basketball court in a circular pow-wow-I was somewhere in the middle. All the kids started conversingf and laughing, I became overwhelmed by self conciousness and became lost for words...all of a sudden the kids talking started inching closer to each other and I was left, seperated and alone stranded outside the circle of the group. I felt like I was looking down on myself, I couldnt move because I felt too ashamed to run away(and didnt want to draw attention to myself) and I was stewing in horror; being the random person abandoned outside the circle...I'll never forget how that felt.

The reason for that story is even today, if I feel twinges of potential rejection within a social setting that memory haunts me but I always just have compassion for me, as that kid who beat herself up while everyone ignored her. Thats the difference, today I'm more on my side than I ever was. So I would say, knowing and respecting your true, nature is definitely a key to healing unwanted fear.

Good luck with your recovery! <3 ;)
 
thank you all!!!

asclepius: yes i can rememeber many times when i was in my teens when i just felt so alone and that everyone disliked me. it has gotten better but just like you said, sometimes it just takes over me. but now that i'm more aware of it, i can do something.

pip: thats actually something i do really well, i listen and just let the other person talk and only put in my two cents when i have experience or encouragement. my problem is i dont know the middle ground, when i listen to someone, i try so hard to understand everything and get to know them, it kinda takes something outta me. so if i don't want to do that i will just ignore them.

my therapist has told me that its ok to just have surface relationships w/ ppl. i dont have to be deep w/ everyone i come in contact with. so thats what i have been working on, the small talk. i have to realize that thats how interactions w/ some ppl will be.

ocean: its exactly like what u described w/ that exercise, i just need to practice and become accustomed to the uncomfortability and not let it overwelm me.
 
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